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The apprentice of Lab X18

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  00:44:57  19 May 2008
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MadMatic
(Novice)
 
On forum: 05/15/2008
 

Message edited by:
MadMatic
05/20/2008 14:29:14
Messages: 40
The apprentice of Lab X18

Hello!!!
Haven't made a lot of post here yet, so i might as well start whit a story of my own. Also this will be my practice for my English subject at my high school finals, becose you see English is not my native language, so fell free to correct my spelling
So whit out further a du, my story:


»I still remember the day i graduated, what a day it was. I had spent 4 years at the Andronov School of special interest education, and i was full of energy, full of live to finaly accomplish something. The ceremony was prety good concidering the conditions, they even managed to get a band into that God for saken place, so top secret that even the parents had to register for a visitors pass 4 months in advance. Soon after that i was assigned my first, and as later faith would have it my onely assignment.«
»Matthew, get up we have to get a move on« A deep voice interrupted the story
»Are you writing again? What good will THAT do you when some crazy Duty lunatics will be pointing a gun at your face?! A?
»It's all i have left…the writing…« Matthew the jung man who was writing sheepishly replys » Just surviving might be enofh for all of you, but i might as well put a bullet to my head if there is nothing other then that for me…«
»Heh, ok,ok, i see. But you got to shape up boy. Writing is of no use here in the zone, this is the onely art that will help you« and he picks up his AK-47 »Now come on, we got guard duty« And so went on guard duty once again the man who was:
The apprentice of Lab X18
So there they where, on a guard tower waching for what ever the zone threw at them.
»At least the weather isn't as bad as yesterday« Matthew declered in an attempt to start a conversation.
»Yea« the man replied, not removing his wach from the forest below them
»You think there will be rain in the afternoon« Matthew attempted again to break the silence
»Nah, doubt it« again whit a short answer, afeter wich an annoying silence took place
»Ou come on, Pyotr!« The boy finaly had enofh »You know i hate this stupid silence, let's talk about something, please« Finnaly the man looks at Matthew whit a suprised face
» We are the onely thing that stand betwen our base and the horrors of the zone and you want to chit-chat? Get serius, i have enofh to wach out whit out having to talk about the weather«
»Well what am i supposed to do?«
»Do some of your writing, then, just give me some peace« The man finaly gave in and Matthew took out his book.
»Now where was i?« he asked him self
How bleek and monotonos the countryside was to me as i traveled by train to the Ukrain.
I traveled pass great citys like Moscov and »enjoyed« hours an hours of Belarus steps, until i finaly arrived to the place which would seal my fate. Agroprom. I was assigned to the division for buricratical affairs, wich was exactely what the name suggests, every day that i was there all we did was fill in forms, check cargo lists, inspect manifests, i would have gone mad of boredom if i wasn't transfered by a lucky coincidence one day. I wass taking some files to a town called Yantar, by foot of corse, that a friend of my supervisor had frogoten at work. I didn't mind, Yantar was a nice little town ba a lake, and a trip there was a nice change. And on the road, about half way there i meet an old man, who was trying to change a flat tier. Clerly he was too week, to do it him self, so i helped. Not long after that the Lada had all it's tiers good again, and the old man invited me for some tea. Little did i know at the time but this old and seemingly helpless man was the head of an experimental laboratory that was a sub-division of our Agroprom facility. Over the tea we started talking and soon he found out where i work and where i was educated. And so he invited me to come work under him, on this realy important thing he was working on. Quite frankly i dident think much of him or of the project he was working on, but the pay was a little better, and i was sick an tired of that pencil pushing job i had. I packed my things and went….«

»MATT GET DOWN!!!« A bullet came wushing thru the floor of the guard tower and shocked Matthew so much that he almost jumped from the 20 meter high tower.
»WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!? START SHOOTING!!!« Pjotr sceremed at him, and whit out giving it a thot, he grabbed his machine gun and begun to shower the ground whit bullets. But the more he pulled the trigger the more the attackers destroyed ther position, until finnaly Pyotr yelled »WE HAVE TO JUMP, AND MAKE A RUNN FOR IT!!!«
»ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'L NEVER SURVIVE THE FALL!« Matthew scremed and grabed hold of a wooden bord, as if that would keep him safe »NO TIME TO ARGUE…JUMP!!!« And they both jumped, and the last thing Matthew felt before it all went black, was the cold air bursting at his face and a strange sensation when his body hit the ground. After that he lost time for some time
….
….
» Oy, we's got a live one here ya' all«
»You don't say, well lucky him…«
  11:32:56  19 May 2008
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BB_Berserk
(Senior)
 
On forum: 04/06/2008
Messages: 124
nice start mate
  22:53:46  19 May 2008
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AlaskanKnight
(Senior)
 
On forum: 02/20/2008
 

Message edited by:
AlaskanKnight
05/19/2008 22:55:41
Messages: 127
Well, I feel like doing some critiquing (No, that's not spelled correctly), so I'm gonna just provide some general critiques on your English.

If you don't want them? Too bad!

1) face?! A?
I think what you meant to say was 'Eh?' While the word 'I' does sound like the letter I and is spelled as such, 'Eh' does not follow such rules. Why? Because it's Canadian, of course.

2) onely
This should be 'only'. Not sure how to explain this one as I'm not an English teacher, but yea.

3) sheepishly replys
'Replys' should be 'replies'. When you have a word such as 'reply', 'fry', or 'cry' and it is changed to the present tense form the 'y' dissapears from existence (Not as dramatic as it sounds) and is replaced with an 'ies'. Thusly 'reply', 'cry', and 'fry', when changed to the present tense, would change to read 'replies', 'cries', and 'fries'.

Be careful, though, as 'fries' are also a type of food.

4) week
Watch out! With this word and a great deal of others in the English language there are others that are spelled slightly differently that look quite similiar. So, with 'week' there is also 'weak'. A 'week' is a period of time spanning seven days, Monday through Sunday. If you are 'weak' then you aren't very strong.

5) dident
I'll give you credit for sounding it out, but it's not spelled correctly. I forget what these things are called, but in case you don't have one I'll give you a general list.

-Did not = didn't-
-Have not = haven't-
-Will not = won't-
-Can not = can't-
-Do not = don't-
-Should not = shouldn't-
-You have = you've-

These word combinations, for lack of a better term, should generally only be used in casual conversation or writing. It's best to only use them in a character's speech in writing and to just use the whole phrase in the narration.

Ok, I'm done now. I've got work to get back to...

If my help(Or not?) has bothered you, let me know. If it has not, let me know. If you have more questions, let me know. If you want to give me a million dollars, then DEFINITELY let me know.

But if I ignore your language skills, which I am partially doing as you are still learning, the story seems pretty interesting, and it's an idea that I haven't thought of before.

Plus, the fact that you've come and started writing a story in a language that isn't yours is pretty sweet, so kudos there. Keep up the good work, man.
  03:26:53  20 May 2008
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odyseus
(Senior)
 
On forum: 03/04/2008
Messages: 50
Well, most of the spelling is correct, but youve missed some of the confusing words. Things like With (Whit), enough (enogh), and Because (becose), its pretty good for someone whos learning English.
Stories good, but is it before the blow out or after, he said he was going to walk from Agroprom to Yantar, and that it was peaceful out, but with all the bandits and anomolies and mutants out im left wondering why he would go by himself.
  05:54:01  20 May 2008
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AlaskanKnight
(Senior)
 
On forum: 02/20/2008
Messages: 127

---QUOTATION---
Well, most of the spelling is correct, but youve missed some of the confusing words. Things like With (Whit), enough (enogh), and Because (becose), its pretty good for someone whos learning English.
Stories good, but is it before the blow out or after, he said he was going to walk from Agroprom to Yantar, and that it was peaceful out, but with all the bandits and anomolies and mutants out im left wondering why he would go by himself.
---END QUOTATION---



My guess would be pre-blowout.
  14:28:26  20 May 2008
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MadMatic
(Novice)
 
On forum: 05/15/2008
Messages: 40
thanks for the very,very long lesson Alaskan Knight, it did help
But not 1 milion dollars worth, maybe some other time, when i find a hiden stalker stash in my back yard

As for the question of the time raised by odyseus, the current time is after the blowout (when the bandits attack and all that) but the time he is writing about is from the pre-blowout time, before it all went horrible wrong and when he was still just a normal citizen in a normal region.
hope that clears things up.
Thanks again for the lesson in English gramar
  18:48:36  24 May 2008
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MadMatic
(Novice)
 
On forum: 05/15/2008
Messages: 40
The "exciting" part 2
Hope you find if enjoyable


»Ou my head« was the first voice Matthew made, not realizing where he was, »Well,well, looky here, i see you'r conscious again, boy« An anoying voice shatered the silence, and it was just then that Matt fully realized where he was, or rather that he had no idea where he was. »Well, glad to see your not dead, those damn snorks go crazy when they smell roting meat, and being eaten by a snork is not a pretty thing. Even if you are dead, hehe«
»Where am i?« was the first guestion that interupted the unknowen man. »Ou terrible sory, where are my maners« the man stud up took his rifle, wich was lying on the table, and HIT Matt in the face whit it. »Don't EVER speak unless you are spoken to, UNDERSTAND!«
It might have been from the paine of the blow or from the shire suprize that the blow came to his face, but now Matt was dizzy, nacious and became terrified for his life. »Listen up, you bandit, i am onely going to say this once. You are a prisoner in hands of Duty, the protectors of order in the zone, and you will be punished for the crimes that you have comited whit your fellow Freedom brothers« at this point point any execuse would just worsen the situation, so silence, was the wright thing. The man, who finaly reveled himself to be a Duty solider or officer, began to explor Matthews backback, onely to be angered by there not being any valuable objects in it »What cind of fighter are you?! No atrifacts, no ammunition, just a book and some bread« and in his anger he threw the book right into Matt's face, wich was still aking from the hit whit the rifle. The Duty man threw him in some sort of holding cell, and it was after the pain hat eased a bit that the suroundings of our hero where explored. He was locked in what was probaly in better times a bathroom. »Great, my last hours will be spent stuck betwen a toilet and a steel door, how did i get into this mess?« and it was at that moment that he discovered his book lying on the flor. It filled him whit a strange sence of securety.
»Go how did i get into all this…«
Lab X16 a very secretive place, every thing was very top secret. We dident know each other, we did not know what exactely we where doing, we just did what we were told. People that were to curius dident stay there very long. Before the disaster up in Pripyat we dident experiment whit strange things like after. It was mostl weapons testing and projects for the army. That all changed after the power plant reactor exploded. I was fidling around whit some chores where the alert was sounded. What a panic folowed. No body knew what was going on. Even a fight betwen scientists assistent and a security officer broke out. Some time later a person named Kruglov had informed us about what had happened via the intercom, and we were given strick instructions what to do next. Evacuate.
He stoped writing to listen to some footstepes walking outside in the hallway. There was still hope in him that they will come and rescue him, but whit ever pasing moment that hope faded away. He started to write again, just to keep his mind of a things that would make him loose hope.
We spent two weeks in some baracks, god knows where, we were not alowed to go any where outside of the barrack walls. A prety anoying situation. But after we got back to the lab we found ourselves being re-specialized for an all too diferent cind of testing. The radiation caused some very stange stuff to apper, at first just objects. We saw batteries fuzed together whit plants, artifacts as we call them today, where puzzling, terrifeing and interesting all at once back then. Then some time later came the more scary things. Living creatures. I hope to god that they where animals, i can still here the terrible screams of those..those..things. Not like anything you would here in a normal life. Too many times i had to help carry them still alive into the examination rooms, onely to take what ever was left of them after the examination , out again.
The land was changing too, you cod see it day after day. We weren't alowed out after a while. To hazardus environmental conditions, was the official explanation, like we codn't see the strange creatures and hear the gunfights outiside. There was a much bigger danger then the environment, the environment was dead here, it was that was living here that scared the shi*t out of me. Traped in that building and in that underground facility all that day, surounded by military personel that was keeping us in as much as it was keeping the creatures of the zone out, it was unbearable.«

He again stoped writing and started listening very closely for something he thot he had heard. Quietly he asked himself
»Was that a gun shot?«
 
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