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Melancholy Faith

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  18:30:27  27 October 2006
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NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
 

Message edited by:
NocturnalMe
10/27/2006 18:53:05
Messages: 22
Hmm....this part of the forum seems pretty dead. Probably no chance of getting my story into the contest at this point.

Wow!, over 1600 hits and only one member has responded. go figure...
  20:29:17  15 February 2007
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Mord
Tofu Zombie
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/13/2007
 

Message edited by:
Mord
02/15/2007 20:29:51
Messages: 225

---QUOTATION---
Hmm....this part of the forum seems pretty dead. Probably no chance of getting my story into the contest at this point.

Wow!, over 1600 hits and only one member has responded. go figure...
---END QUOTATION---



It was good, just noticed a few mistakes. When you used the word "women" it should be "woman" instead. Women refers to more than one, and you were only speaking of one woman.
  06:47:47  27 February 2007
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Obfuscated
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/21/2007
Messages: 32
I quite liked the wording and descriptions used in the story but I felt the ideas were a bit disjointed and thrown in. The story could have been better if Kiev was not so hollow, he seemed perpetually pissed which made the story tiring after a while.
  03:11:31  21 March 2007
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NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22

---QUOTATION---

It was good, just noticed a few mistakes. When you used the word "women" it should be "woman" instead. Women refers to more than one, and you were only speaking of one woman.
---END QUOTATION---



Ah, thanks for catching that mistake. So...what would you rate it from 1-10?
  03:41:54  22 March 2007
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Deznaj
(Senior)
 
On forum: 03/21/2007
Messages: 116
I give your story a 7/10

Your writing style and pacing are good. The description of the action could be a bit more extended. In an action-filled short story like this the portrayal of all the actions and reactions and placing them in the setting is important to give the reader a way to 'see the action'. I'm a big fan of fantasy writers like R.A. Salvatore and Raymond E. Feist because they can really bring a written scene to life. Reading a story is picturing it in your head. The better it is written, the easier this picturing becomes.

I found the content of your story the weak point. Basically it is a small story about an assault or hit in the world of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. For some reason you throw in A LOT of psychology, especially for such a short story. I found that quite tedious and at the end rather pointless: I found no real significance for it in the story. This also makes the beginning very heavy, the title alone could be enough to make people kill themselves.
  07:31:15  22 March 2007
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NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22

---QUOTATION---
I give your story a 7/10

Your writing style and pacing are good. The description of the action could be a bit more extended. In an action-filled short story like this the portrayal of all the actions and reactions and placing them in the setting is important to give the reader a way to 'see the action'. I'm a big fan of fantasy writers like R.A. Salvatore and Raymond E. Feist because they can really bring a written scene to life. Reading a story is picturing it in your head. The better it is written, the easier this picturing becomes.

I found the content of your story the weak point. Basically it is a small story about an assault or hit in the world of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. For some reason you throw in A LOT of psychology, especially for such a short story. I found that quite tedious and at the end rather pointless: I found no real significance for it in the story. This also makes the beginning very heavy, the title alone could be enough to make people kill themselves.
---END QUOTATION---



7/10? Ouch, I guess I do see your points though. As for the whole psychology stuff being pointless, that was more or less the point of the story. But for the sake of curiousity, why did you think it was pointless? Would you say the story in and of itself was illogical? Not really trying to challenge your points, just trying to learn from my mistakes.
  15:44:09  22 March 2007
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Deznaj
(Senior)
 
On forum: 03/21/2007
 

Message edited by:
Deznaj
03/22/2007 15:51:15
Messages: 116
Don't worry. It is your story, and I'm not challenging it. I've been a writing tutor/editor at a Dutch university for over 2 years, and I know the importance of letting a writer write it's own story. I'm don't want to tell you how to write your story, I'm just telling you my experience as a reader.

What I was basically trying to say is that it starts out as a psychological drama and later on it becomes more of a action/war/spy-ish story. The parts are a bit unevenly balanced, which makes the first part slightly hard to get trough, while the second action-filled part reads quite fast. Maybe you could increase the interlace between the psychology part with the action part. It would make your story more balanced. And you might want to consider the 'loop-technique'. The ending of the story could reflect on the beginning so people would feel satisfied because you story has come full circle. This is a trick that many short story writers and journalists use.

About the action part: a more thorough description of what is happening in what surroundings makes it easier for the reader to get into the story. Especially the "WHERE" part of what is happening is a bit to shallow. For example:


---QUOTATION---

The corridor went through many sharp turns, one after another. There were a few doors that were opened slightly. Kiev investigated the rooms nervously, his training deserting him. All he found, however, were dimly lit, abandoned offices. It only fueled his sense of anxiety, and he clenched his jaw to stop the flow of emotion.

---END QUOTATION---



Describe what he sees, describe those dimly lit offices. Make the reader feel he's there and he's walking next to the character. This is what I miss the most, while the description of the characters moods are too many.

Summoned in one final word: Balance.

From what I can see you are a good writer. 7/10 is pretty good coming from me (I'm a HUGE critic). Plus this story is in itself better than any story I have ever written!

Keep it up!
  07:46:16  23 March 2007
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NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22

---QUOTATION---
Don't worry. It is your story, and I'm not challenging it. I've been a writing tutor/editor at a Dutch university for over 2 years, and I know the importance of letting a writer write it's own story. I'm don't want to tell you how to write your story, I'm just telling you my experience as a reader.

What I was basically trying to say is that it starts out as a psychological drama and later on it becomes more of a action/war/spy-ish story. The parts are a bit unevenly balanced, which makes the first part slightly hard to get trough, while the second action-filled part reads quite fast. Maybe you could increase the interlace between the psychology part with the action part. It would make your story more balanced. And you might want to consider the 'loop-technique'. The ending of the story could reflect on the beginning so people would feel satisfied because you story has come full circle. This is a trick that many short story writers and journalists use.

About the action part: a more thorough description of what is happening in what surroundings makes it easier for the reader to get into the story. Especially the "WHERE" part of what is happening is a bit to shallow. For example:


The corridor went through many sharp turns, one after another. There were a few doors that were opened slightly. Kiev investigated the rooms nervously, his training deserting him. All he found, however, were dimly lit, abandoned offices. It only fueled his sense of anxiety, and he clenched his jaw to stop the flow of emotion.


Describe what he sees, describe those dimly lit offices. Make the reader feel he's there and he's walking next to the character. This is what I miss the most, while the description of the characters moods are too many.

Summoned in one final word: Balance.

From what I can see you are a good writer. 7/10 is pretty good coming from me (I'm a HUGE critic). Plus this story is in itself better than any story I have ever written!

Keep it up!
---END QUOTATION---




Thanks for the compliment,...and I do see where your criticisms are coming from. And, not to sound arrogant, but this story IMO is not indictive of my true writing ability. I tend to rush most of my projects.

But anyway, I do see how the story's melancholy tone (especially at the beginning) could be a turn off. I'm going to start a new story sometime soon, even though the Contest is closed, it'll be a good exercise for me at least.
  08:03:05  24 March 2007
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Hey,

I've read through the story, and I still think my Top Eleven decisions stands even though this story was not brought to my attention before.

Your story is quite well written, but ultimately all it boils down to is: what is the point of reading the story? Was it a good read? And unfortunately, having read through the 100 stories inside the contest, I am sorry to tell you that stories like yours are all too common in the contest.

You have the tension right, but there wasn't much of a plot, and nothing special about it. Most of the stories which have been chosen have their strong points: for example, Me and My AK (Headhunter) has a fairly melancholic style for it... for a lost (and much prized) AK (!), which probably makes it stands out for the rest of the contest entries. "The Difference Between You and Me" by Ian_C has a fairly strong character and plot development while retaining the STALKER feel.

Not to worry though: keep practising. I'm sure you'll get to enter another literary contest in the future.
  07:12:44  10 June 2007
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Zero-One-Alpha
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 03/31/2007
Messages: 246
so these guys are military? youve not mentioned the word through the story...

good story though keep writing..whats the next one about?
 
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