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Melancholy Faith

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  07:29:36  29 December 2008
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AlaskanKnight
(Senior)
 
On forum: 02/20/2008
Messages: 127
Bumped because I thought all ya'll might like reading this.

Bumped because I thought all ya'll might like reading this.

Ahahahaha

The mad bumper strikes again.
  09:07:11  26 October 2007
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378

---QUOTATION---
Excellent!
---END QUOTATION---



If I have to delete one more of your goddamn posts with that same one word, I might just hit the "ban" button by accident.
  04:17:36  22 June 2007
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Kayne
Shiner
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 05/13/2007
Messages: 261
6/10

I didn't really have a good idea of what was going on until the third section, and I couldn't visualize what was happening. An upstairs room in a chapel? what was in it? How did the other soldier get there before him?
Despite the fact that there is only one location in the story it wasn't very well described.
  08:55:01  12 June 2007
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Zero-One-Alpha
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 03/31/2007
Messages: 246
i agree this is quite a good story
  06:15:46  12 June 2007
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Hellwege
Veteran
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 04/02/2007
Messages: 279
nice story kinda creepy at some points overall great story though
  14:27:33  11 June 2007
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ComradeLopez
(Novice)
 
On forum: 04/16/2007
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---
Death occurred even to the inanimate on this day...
---END QUOTATION---



I particularly liked this line; and overall a very well writen short story.

The end came rather suddenly, however - I can't help but feel that those last moments with the artifact could have been drawn out; to give the transformation that was taking place more space in which to develop and become real.

But the style was very competent; and not overly verbose or flowery, unlike alot of writing on the internet.
  07:12:44  10 June 2007
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Zero-One-Alpha
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 03/31/2007
Messages: 246
so these guys are military? youve not mentioned the word through the story...

good story though keep writing..whats the next one about?
  08:03:05  24 March 2007
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Hey,

I've read through the story, and I still think my Top Eleven decisions stands even though this story was not brought to my attention before.

Your story is quite well written, but ultimately all it boils down to is: what is the point of reading the story? Was it a good read? And unfortunately, having read through the 100 stories inside the contest, I am sorry to tell you that stories like yours are all too common in the contest.

You have the tension right, but there wasn't much of a plot, and nothing special about it. Most of the stories which have been chosen have their strong points: for example, Me and My AK (Headhunter) has a fairly melancholic style for it... for a lost (and much prized) AK (!), which probably makes it stands out for the rest of the contest entries. "The Difference Between You and Me" by Ian_C has a fairly strong character and plot development while retaining the STALKER feel.

Not to worry though: keep practising. I'm sure you'll get to enter another literary contest in the future.
  07:46:16  23 March 2007
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NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22

---QUOTATION---
Don't worry. It is your story, and I'm not challenging it. I've been a writing tutor/editor at a Dutch university for over 2 years, and I know the importance of letting a writer write it's own story. I'm don't want to tell you how to write your story, I'm just telling you my experience as a reader.

What I was basically trying to say is that it starts out as a psychological drama and later on it becomes more of a action/war/spy-ish story. The parts are a bit unevenly balanced, which makes the first part slightly hard to get trough, while the second action-filled part reads quite fast. Maybe you could increase the interlace between the psychology part with the action part. It would make your story more balanced. And you might want to consider the 'loop-technique'. The ending of the story could reflect on the beginning so people would feel satisfied because you story has come full circle. This is a trick that many short story writers and journalists use.

About the action part: a more thorough description of what is happening in what surroundings makes it easier for the reader to get into the story. Especially the "WHERE" part of what is happening is a bit to shallow. For example:


The corridor went through many sharp turns, one after another. There were a few doors that were opened slightly. Kiev investigated the rooms nervously, his training deserting him. All he found, however, were dimly lit, abandoned offices. It only fueled his sense of anxiety, and he clenched his jaw to stop the flow of emotion.


Describe what he sees, describe those dimly lit offices. Make the reader feel he's there and he's walking next to the character. This is what I miss the most, while the description of the characters moods are too many.

Summoned in one final word: Balance.

From what I can see you are a good writer. 7/10 is pretty good coming from me (I'm a HUGE critic). Plus this story is in itself better than any story I have ever written!

Keep it up!
---END QUOTATION---




Thanks for the compliment,...and I do see where your criticisms are coming from. And, not to sound arrogant, but this story IMO is not indictive of my true writing ability. I tend to rush most of my projects.

But anyway, I do see how the story's melancholy tone (especially at the beginning) could be a turn off. I'm going to start a new story sometime soon, even though the Contest is closed, it'll be a good exercise for me at least.
  15:44:09  22 March 2007
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Deznaj
(Senior)
 
On forum: 03/21/2007
 

Message edited by:
Deznaj
03/22/2007 15:51:15
Messages: 116
Don't worry. It is your story, and I'm not challenging it. I've been a writing tutor/editor at a Dutch university for over 2 years, and I know the importance of letting a writer write it's own story. I'm don't want to tell you how to write your story, I'm just telling you my experience as a reader.

What I was basically trying to say is that it starts out as a psychological drama and later on it becomes more of a action/war/spy-ish story. The parts are a bit unevenly balanced, which makes the first part slightly hard to get trough, while the second action-filled part reads quite fast. Maybe you could increase the interlace between the psychology part with the action part. It would make your story more balanced. And you might want to consider the 'loop-technique'. The ending of the story could reflect on the beginning so people would feel satisfied because you story has come full circle. This is a trick that many short story writers and journalists use.

About the action part: a more thorough description of what is happening in what surroundings makes it easier for the reader to get into the story. Especially the "WHERE" part of what is happening is a bit to shallow. For example:


---QUOTATION---

The corridor went through many sharp turns, one after another. There were a few doors that were opened slightly. Kiev investigated the rooms nervously, his training deserting him. All he found, however, were dimly lit, abandoned offices. It only fueled his sense of anxiety, and he clenched his jaw to stop the flow of emotion.

---END QUOTATION---



Describe what he sees, describe those dimly lit offices. Make the reader feel he's there and he's walking next to the character. This is what I miss the most, while the description of the characters moods are too many.

Summoned in one final word: Balance.

From what I can see you are a good writer. 7/10 is pretty good coming from me (I'm a HUGE critic). Plus this story is in itself better than any story I have ever written!

Keep it up!
 
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