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Sniper

Question Was this good?
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Yes
No
Needs criticism
I f**king hate you
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  05:16:56  10 July 2009
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willer357
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/06/2009
 

Message edited by:
willer357
07/12/2009 5:54:22
Messages: 23
Sniper

This is my very first story, so be be brutal!
I have made some edits for a few mistakes from the first writing, so it should be a little better.

He watched, in the bushes, as his target came out of the house with a few friends. He looked at his watch, and found it right on time-8:33 AM. He was having trouble trying to trace the movements of his target, who was obviously wasted, judging by the sudden, lurching movements and the open bottle of vodka in his hand. The rest of the guards around him were obviously contempt of what must have gone down in the talk between the target and the leader of their squad.

The squad had found the man three days before, near death, but to the snipers anger they couldn't just leave business well enough alone, and took him in to heal him. They had stopped at an abandoned factory between two hills with one road that led in and out, and the sniper was on the peak of one hill with his self made custom version of the Dragunov sniper rifle. He was hiding in some bushes, thinking of the satisfaction he would have over getting his job done after two weeks of laying down and stalking his target, which he had to admit had made quite an amazing recovery for only three days of healing.

He watched the man attempt to balance as he lurched forward into a fence near the exit road, seeing his mouth move as he attempted to thank the group again. 'Fucking idiot.' Thought the sniper-'He thinks I'm gone? He'll learn not to be naive.' He slowly held his breath and steadied his hand as best he could. He watched the crosshairs of his scope fall right above the targets head, felt his finger wrap around the trigger like a snake. He counted to himself. 3...the target was shaking the group leaders hand. 2...the leader turned around, probably telling all his men to either get ready to move or telling his patrols to fall in. 1......he heard a rustle just beside him, and looked to his right.

He nearly died of a ruptured heart right then and there- a patrol man, guarding the road, was right there. Not even three feet from him stood a man, so close that he could hear the clacking of his gun as he shifting his weight from foot to foot.

All it would take now was an accident. The guard didn't even have to know that the sniper was there, because the gun was pointed downward- right into the snipers face almost. The snipers heart skipped a beat, as he started waiting... he was waiting for something. The guard obviously didn't see him, but that didn't mean that the second he turned to the left and looked down to fall in that he wouldn't see the man with an expensive gun that matched the caliber of the wounds they had just found on the man right there beside him.

The sniper closed his eyes, wondering why the guard didn't hear the cataclismic earth shaking boom that his heart made with every beat, why the guard didn't hear every single on of those giant snaps of the brush he was on- he cursed in silent the spectacular noise that every twig made when it snapped, like the boom of a fireworks show. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to wait. But his thick fear cemented him in place, forcing him to choose the latter of the two options.

...Was it just him, or had they been waiting there for three years. That must have been it, because otherwise there would be no explanation for the sun to be in the exact same place as before. No, he told himself, at most it had only been a few seconds, but those seconds felt like years! And each minute felt like a decade, as the guard just stood there, oblivious to the man right next to him, choking himself to death just so that he would not hear the breathing.

The sniper was solemnly staking out his options. He could go for his old Soviet pistol with a built in suppressor? No, the men would see the guard fall and know. He could stab the victim but keep him upright? No, he wouldn't be able to finish his mission. His only option was to wait to be caught or not, and be at the guards foolishness. He might as well have swallowed cyanide.

And then, a miracle from god himself. The sniper heard dogs barking in the distance, and his eyes strained to see them over the crest of the hill opposite them. Yes! There they were! The pack had followed the scent of blood, looking for fresh pray.

Suddenly things happened in fast forward. The guard saw the vicious dogs and immediately ran towards the group, with no time to signal the attack on his radio he started firing at the dogs.

His group got the message and did something that the sniper would later laugh at as one of the most stupid things to do: the entire group, EVERY last one of them looked over to where the guard was shooting, without even readying their guns. It was almost as if it was set up!

The sniper did not miss his chance to laugh at his luck. He immediately grabbed his pistol from his holster and shot at the shooting guard. The first silenced round was covered up by the sound of a rush to prepare for the impact of a pack of ten to fifteen dogs rushing at them. It went straight up in a diagonal, from the base of the skull where the spine comes in, through the brain, and out the eye. No one noticed the guard fall, and his shooting stop, as they had started shooting at the dogs as well.

The sniper quickly went back to his sniper rifle and aimed at his target. All he needed dead was the man, no one else. He had no problems with the others, and had neither the time, nor the energy, nor the ammo to take on this group.
He took aim at the target...and shot...and watched as his bullet raced through the air and went straight into the body of his target. He had learned before by his trainer 'In a hurry, aim for the center of gravity. Let the bullet do the rest.' He put that into use now, and watched it work.

He saw the man fall, but that was not enough. He shot again, and again, and again, and again. He emptied his clip into the man, and then unhooked his backpack. He now needed to get out, fast.

thanks for reading this if you made it this far, sorry about the wall of text, please tell me what I need to work on. Thanks!

I'm not sure if I should waste the space of creating another thread so I'll just add onto it:

Heart sat at the bar with a bottle of vodka and a piece of bread. He didn't want any attention, so he sat in a dark corner, keeping to himself. He didn't look like much to anyone; he simply had on a rookies vest, not really much to the eye, but it had many suprises that could help survival in the zone.
He was half-way through his bottle even though he had been at the bar for over an hour. He never liked being late. When your late, you let people have time to prepare.
Suddenly, a tap at his shoulder. He turned to see Long.
Long was his name because he was one of the best snipers you could find. He could hit the eye of a rodent over a hill from a mile away, even though he constantly insists that it was a fluke. But Heart knew better, he had seen flukes, and he had seen intentional shots, and that one shot seemed of the latter catagory.
"I've got the kill you wanted, but I want a raise. You told me that no one ever stepped foot in that region because of the radiation." Heart was suprised. Long never asked for a raise, much less more information on his job. "No one ever hung around there, there were never any factions or loners or mercs or even monolith that eve-" Heart stopped talking when he got a good look at Long after his eyes adjusted to the light of the bar's lights. Long was a mess. He had scratches and bruises, bandages over his left arm, no pack, he looked too thin for health...he didn't even have his most treasured item: his SVD custom dragunov.
"Well, I guess that there were just too many people in the other places, 'cuz I get there and there is a group that just loves to get in other peoples business. and thats not even the beginning! I know why no one ever goes there now!" Heart couldn't resist asking. "Why?"
When Long spoke, it was like an earthquake that was kept quiet so that others wouldn't hear "Because it's a breeding ground for nothing but the worst nightmares the zone ever spawned! I almost died five times in a row!"

sorry, I gotta go to sleep. I know it's incredibly cliche and bad in some spots so I'll try and fix it later.
  14:28:47  10 July 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
Good first try - shows promise - I did only skim read it and will reread when I have some more time but some critism/thoughts for you

- difficult to read on the forum (someone pointed out to me that putting a line between paragraphs breaks things up to make it easier to read).

- Good idea and crosses over an idea I had for a linking story for Sparrow from "Hunting the snork" about his first job.

- a bit short but my first published story was only 800 words and the first complete story I wrote was about 300 words.
  17:32:18  10 July 2009
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willer357
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/06/2009
Messages: 23

---QUOTATION---
Good first try - shows promise - I did only skim read it and will reread when I have some more time but some critism/thoughts for you

- difficult to read on the forum (someone pointed out to me that putting a line between paragraphs breaks things up to make it easier to read).

- Good idea and crosses over an idea I had for a linking story for Sparrow from "Hunting the snork" about his first job.

- a bit short but my first published story was only 800 words and the first complete story I wrote was about 300 words.
---END QUOTATION---



Thanks for the tips, I had to make it short because it was late and my brother was gonna be home soon, and force the computer away from me I am trying to figure out if I should put this in the same area as in the game or keep it seprate? or ?
  17:54:44  10 July 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
For this story I don't really think it matters as long as its in the zone
 
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