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The Creature In the Warehouse

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  17:20:47  9 October 2009
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Racemate
Loner
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/11/2009
 

Message edited by:
Racemate
10/09/2009 17:47:27
Messages: 1252
Replacement for deleted section


---QUOTATION---
His legs suddenly buckled and Luka slumped to the floor, coming to rest in a sitting position with his feet tucked under him. His rifle clattered to the floor and he just sat there staring into space.
---END QUOTATION---



Look at this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catatonia

http://www.minddisorders.com/Br-Del/Catatonia.html

Of course, there can be different form of catatonia. IMO, it should be more dramatic, like: Luka stood in rigid, immobile poses, squeezing his rifle in firing position, staring into space, ... and so on. After friendly Bear's (Makar's) talk they could take his rifle away, and make him sit down on the ground..., etc.


---QUOTATION---
...'Looks like he's gone catatonic.'
---END QUOTATION---



Maybe, you shouldn't name things so directly, giving readers something to think about.



---QUOTATION---
'Well Luka might have been shooting at something from his past,...
---END QUOTATION---



Did I miss something? How did Sanyok know that?
  18:03:48  9 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
 

Message edited by:
Danlo
10/09/2009 18:06:28
Messages: 5198

---QUOTATION---
Replacement for deleted section

His legs suddenly buckled and Luka slumped to the floor, coming to rest in a sitting position with his feet tucked under him. His rifle clattered to the floor and he just sat there staring into space.

Look at this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catatonia

http://www.minddisorders.com/Br-Del/Catatonia.html

Of course, there can be different form of catatonia. IMO, it should be more dramatic, like: Luka stood in rigid, immobile poses, squeezing his rifle in firing position, staring into space, ... and so on. After friendly Bear's (Makar's) talk they could take his rifle away, and make him sit down on the ground..., etc.

...'Looks like he's gone catatonic.'

Maybe, you shouldn't name things so directly, giving readers something to think about.

---END QUOTATION---



its not actual catatonia but most people would think that what has happened to him was catatonia (basically if I explain what's going on here it'll spoil the rest of the story)


---QUOTATION---

'Well Luka might have been shooting at something from his past,...

Did I miss something? How did Sanyok know that?
---END QUOTATION---



Oopsss missed something - edited now
  17:16:04  12 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
Final Section

Sanyok walked back and stood next to Yuri, his fingers looked wet and glistened with a dark substance.

'Well Luka might have been shooting at something that only he could see, but it looks like we were shooting something real and I think we hurt it.' He indicated the blood on his fingers. 'I just checked the cat-walk and it's covered in blood. Whatever it was we took a bloody great chunk out of it.'

'We need to leave here now,' Makar said before anyone could shut him up.

'Makar you are damn coward.' Yuri shouted at him. It was all he could do to stop himself putting his fist into Makar's face. What is going on with me? Why am I being like this? Something here is doing this to us! Something is trying to drive us crazy!

'I'm sorry Makar, you are right we should leave. Something here is trying to drive us away. And that reason we aint goin' anyplace.' Yuri finally said after he calmed down. Makar and Sanyok looked at their Sergeant as if he had just taken leave of all of his senses.

'You've got to be joking!' Makar said

'Are you fuckin' insane man,' Sanyok said loudly at the same time.

'Whatever is doing this is very powerful and it must be doing this because it can't get away.' Yuri tried to explain without losing his temper. He guessed that whatever was doing this was trying to make him get so angry he'd kill one of his own men, and it had very nearly succeeded. 'I can't allow something that dangerous to remain this close to the new base. The General will only send us out again to take care of it, so we might as we do it now.' He knew that his argument didn't hold water, but he hoped it would be enough to keep his men together. Enough to stop them falling apart.

'Come on Makar,' Yuri said as he saw Sanyok begin to realise what was going on. 'You going to give into this thing? Are you going let this thing win?' Makar's face suddenly broke into a evil grin that cut his face from ear to ear.

'Hell no!' He cried.

Something suddenly hit the catwalk again. Everyone turned to see a man sized, two-legged creature. It was only clothed in a loose pair of trousers and was moving slowly towards them. It tipped its head back and bellowed into the ceiling. All three men brought their weapons and started firing at the creature. It screamed as its body was torn apart by the weapons fire. It bellowed again, this time it was more like a scream of pain. It increased its speed and jumped off the cat-walk and kept running for the door. Before the squad could get another shot off the strange creature was out the door and gone.


The four men made camp after a thorough search of the warehouse. They didn't find another creature and no one reported anymore strange feelings, thoughts or apparitions. Little Luka woke-up about thirty minutes after the creature escaped. He said that he remembered nothing after entering the warehouse.

They took turns taking watch and they had a quiet night. The next day they left the warehouse and headed back towards the Duty Outpost in the Garbage. About two hundred metres from the warehouse they discovered the body of what they thought was the creature they had fired upon in the warehouse. It was badly shot-up and had obviously died from its wounds. Sanyok examined it closely and declared that it was a Controller, and they all knew that they had been lucky to come away with their minds intact.

'Why didn't it just rip our minds out our heads like they usually do?' Little Luka asked. It was a question everyone else had on their lips but didn't want to ask.

'Who knows little man,' Bear said finally. 'It's just one of the many mysteries of the Zone.'
  15:59:55  13 October 2009
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Racemate
Loner
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On forum: 02/11/2009
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No bad.

You know, it looks a bit comic in the middle part. More exact, all things which happened in warehouse are good and comic in the same time. IMO. Maybe, I'm mistaken.
  17:01:01  13 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198

---QUOTATION---
No bad.

You know, it looks a bit comic in the middle part. More exact, all things which happened in warehouse are good and comic in the same time. IMO. Maybe, I'm mistaken.
---END QUOTATION---



which bit?
  14:53:37  14 October 2009
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Racemate
Loner
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/11/2009
 

Message edited by:
Racemate
10/14/2009 15:03:47
Messages: 1252

---QUOTATION---
No bad.

You know, it looks a bit comic in the middle part. More exact, all things which happened in warehouse are good and comic in the same time. IMO. Maybe, I'm mistaken.

which bit?
---END QUOTATION---



It's difficult to say exactly which bit. It's more like general feeling. I was trying to find what were wrong, and failed to find any real proof to it.

A couple of words here, phrase there, that passage... no, each word seemed was right, but all together they gave not that unreal picture, but more as you looked through a soap story, or a comic book, or that kinda movie in which director made lots of efforts by adding plenty mannered/affected scenes to cover lack of idea.

As I said it was just a half-conscious feeling in the beginning, but after you said you used the film The Keep as a reference it became more clear.

And again it's not that bad. This style has a lot of fans. All I tried to say this story obviously differs from your other ones which you have posted here so far.

IMHO.
  16:28:01  14 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
I do try different styles depending on the story - most of the stories have led to me usual style some needed a different approach - like Firefight (Fireside tale 2) - very different to what I usually write.

And I did try to inject some humour into certain sections because that's how some people - especially this lot - deal with stressful situations.
  16:35:26  14 October 2009
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Racemate
Loner
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/11/2009
 

Message edited by:
Racemate
10/14/2009 16:43:53
Messages: 1252
Surely, buddy. Russians even made STALKER comic books thread at their forum.

http://stalker-game.com/ru/cx_frame.php?id=15
  19:27:25  14 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198

---QUOTATION---
Surely, buddy. Russians even made STALKER comic books thread at their forum.

http://stalker-game.com/ru/cx_frame.php?id=15
---END QUOTATION---



really wish I could read all that

I'm gonna do a complete read through of the story and see what I see
  21:28:14  14 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
Story in full

I can't see anything obviously wrong wit hi t- I have made some minor corrections.

The Creature In The Warehouse


Rostok Factory Complex,
Ukrainian Chernobyl Exclusion Zone
12th October 2011, 13:15

Duty Incursion into Rostok, scouting the area for possible new Headquarters.


'I don't have a good feeling about this one!' Little Luka said. No one paid him any attention. No ever did. The five man Duty squad stood outside one of the largest warehouses they have ever seen. It must have covered a good square kilometre and was about three stories high. It's massive steel doors, about two stories high themselves, where closed but a pair of human sized double doors set into them were closed by nothing more than a very old rusty chain and padlock.

'Oh, come on Yuri, there's no way we're ever gonna get this far from the main section and we've scouted that already.' Makar was the eldest of the five men and the laziest.

'That's Sergeant to you Corporal Makar. We need somewhere to hold up for the night, it'll take too long to get back to the Garbage and I don't fancy getting caught out in the dark. Remember lads this is Bloodsucker territory.' Yuri looked around at his woefully inadequate and inept squad. Why the Colonel had thought these four men would be best for this job he had no idea.

Bear raised himself up to his massive six foot two inches and picked up the RPK that he habitually carried - especially as he was usually the only one who could carry it.

'Aye, aye Sergeant.' He muttered.

'That's the navy. Christ Bear I swear you are as stupid as you are big.' Yuri snapped at the big man. Bear just smiled. He had dropped out of a Physics degree at Kiev to come to the Zone so he knew how stupid he really was.

'Leave the big guy alone Yuri,' Sanyok called. 'Are we going inside or what?'

Yuri swung around to face the only one of this bunch of misfits he was really scared of. I should just punch him in the face, he thought, that would show him who was in charge. But I have a better idea.

'We go in and thank you for volunteering to go on point Sanyok.'

Sanyok's shoulders sagged and he slowly took his Groza off his shoulder and headed for the door. He used the butt of his weapon to smash the rusty lock and pulled the ancient metal chain and opened the door. Typically one of the doors stuck and the other would only open part of the way.

As Sanyok squeezed himself between the double doors he suddenly felt something he had not felt since he was a small child. He suddenly had an immense wave of fear wash over him. He remembered the feeling from when he had been a child, he would hide under the covers with a torch so that the monster under the bed wouldn't get him. He looked into the warehouse and noticed that the interior had suddenly became an awful lot darker than he had noticed before. In fact as this building had windows nearly a single storey in height it was a lot darker than it should be. The fear swept through him like a wildfire, he felt cold chills running down his spine. He couldn't move. He was frozen in terror at what could be awaiting them inside this building.

Why am I so scared? There's nothing there that can hurt me, not after I shoot it full of holes anyway. Why can't I move? It does look very dark in there. I have faced worse things than the dark before now. It is very dark in there. I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was ten. It's just a childish thing.

'Sanyok man, you ok? What's the hold up?' Makar's voice broke what had gripped Sanyok's mind and the dark seemed less impenetrable, less foreboding, less sinister. Sanyok straightened himself up and turned back to his sergeant.

'Nothing! Nothing at all!' He said and coughed to hide the obvious trembling in his voice. Hopefully everyone else will just think he had dust in his throat. 'Just moving inside.'

The fear had not left him entirely though. Sanyok found himself staring at every shadow and covering every dark patch. It was as if he was expecting something to jump out at him at any moment. He moved away from the door very slowly, like a man who could not swim moved away from the only floating object in the sea. He felt rising panic swelling with him and he fought to keep it down.

He looked about himself and took stock of what he was surrounded by. The warehouse floor was covered with long rows of various machines that did not seem to serve any purpose. The machines were of different construction and various sizes. There was a catwalk about five metres above him, but it was empty and looked rusty and completely unsafe. High above in the dim shadows of the roof he could just about make out enormous rafters. Ropes and chains hung from the rafters and connected the ceiling with the catwalk and the warehouse floor. The air was dusty and the windows covered in decades of dirt. What light made it into the warehouse came in as dusty shafts that did little to illuminate the interior.

All in all it was not a welcoming sight. But the worst thing was the noise, or rather the completely lack of sound. The only thing that Sanyok could hear was the thud of his own boots on the concrete floor, the rustle of his clothing and the creak of the double doors as his comrades followed him in.

We're all gonna die in here!

There was no reason for the thought, yet it kept playing through his mind. He turned to look at his friends in a hope that their friendly faces would help to boost his flagging defences against his own fear. But their faces looked just as uncomfortable about being here as his probably did.

We're all gonna die in here!


The quiet was, possibly, the most disturbing thing. Sanyok was about ten metres in front of the rest of the squad yet he could quite easily make out every word that was whispered.

'Anyone else feel that?' Little Luka whispered.

'Feel what?' The Sergeant replied.

'The feeling that something's gonna run it's talon up your spine any second?' Makar asked.

'That's it.' Luka said.

'You two knock it off right now!' Yuri said as loudly as he dared through clenched teeth.

Sanyok suddenly stopped; something had caught his eye. He raised his arms slowly to let the others know that he needed then to stop. He continued to watch the area that had caught his attention though the corner of his eye. Something had moved. Something large had stirred slightly. Sanyok could feel the sweat break out on his forehead and begin to run down the side of his face. Something big was living here. And he guessed that it probably wouldn't like to be disturbed.

He slowly turned his head so that he could take a good look at whatever it was. He could feel the fear crawling up his spine and simultaneously flooding his bowls and cramping his stomach. We're all gonna die!

There was nothing there. The place where he had seen movement was completely empty. In fact there was nothing there that could move. Sanyok let his breath out as he realised he had been holding it since he thought he had seen movement.

He suddenly tried to twist his back backwards ninety degrees to upright in an attempt to avoid something that was swinging at him from the roof. He felt its passage as a faint breeze a swishing sound. He straightened up, raised his weapon at the general area where whatever it was had gone and shouted, 'CONTACT!' He started firing. He then dropped and rolled further down the aisle he had been walking and came back up firing at the same place. He heard the rest of the squad open up, but they were firing blindly at the roof.

Sanyok was pulling a fresh magazine out of his webbing when he heard Yuri shouting.

'CEASE FIRE! Cease fire! Sanyok what did you see?'

'Something tried to decapitate me Sarge!' Sanyok shouted back. 'It was swinging down from the roof and swung back up there.'

'Did you see anything at all?' Sanyok could hear the incredulity in the Sergeant's voice.

'I felt it pass by my head,' he said. He knew there had been something there. Hadn't there been something there?

'I was watching you Corporal. You've been jumpy since we entered this place. I didn't see anything you just reacted and then started firing.'

There was something, Sanyok told himself. I swear I saw something. Did I see something?

'I think this place is havin' a bad effect on all of us Sarge!' Bear stated quiet calmly. Thank God he said it, Sanyok thought.

Suddenly there was a enormous metallic crash as something large hit the cat-walk above their heads. The noise was almost deafening in the extreme quiet of the warehouse.

'There it is,' Little Luka shouted and started firing at a large man-sized shadow on the cat-walk. Suddenly the air in the warehouse erupted into gunfire and something screamed an inhuman scream.

Everyone stopped firing at Yuri's shouts of 'Cease Fire'. Five sets of headlamps were switched on and were trained on the area where they were firing at. There was nothing there. Yuri turned to face the youngest and smallest member of the squad.

'Ok, you little shit, what did you see?' The anger in his voice hit Little Luka like a physical slap in the face. The small man, backed away. He was physically shaking as if he had just seen the most scariest thing in his life. His face had gone completely white. 'Come on Luka, speak.' The Sergeant was almost shouting at him.

'Come on Yuri, calm down, let the boy speak.' Makar said as he stepped closer to Yuri and gripped his arm tightly. 'Can't you see the lad is shitting himself?'

Yuri looked from Luka to Makar and back again. Christ, he thought, what is wrong with me? Of course he could see that the boy was terrified. So why did he continue shouting at him? He looked around him. It's this place. It's getting to all of us. Or something in here is messing with our heads. He looked back at Luka, 'look Luka I'm sorry. Something here is getting to us all. Can you please tell us what you saw?' His voice had lost nearly all of its bluster now.

Luka's eyes were wide open. His pupils were so large you couldn't see the colour of his eyes.

'He...he was...he was here...here. He was here!' He stuttered. Saying that took everything out of him and he collapsed: his legs suddenly buckled and he slumped to the floor, coming to rest in a sitting position with his feet tucked under him. His rifle clattered to the floor and he just sat there staring into space.

Makar walked over to him and gave the young man a shake, 'Hey, Luka. You okay? Hey Luka.' He said loudly but there was no response from his friend. He bent down and looked at Luka closely and then turned to Yuri. 'Looks like he's gone catatonic.'

'Oh, fuck me. That's all we need.' Yuri shouted at the roof. 'We can't just stop here until he comes around.'

'If he's really catatonic he may never wake up?' Makar said. Bear walked over to Little Luka and easily lifted him off his feet.

'I'll look after the little man,' he said. 'He don't weigh anythin'.'

Sanyok walked back and stood next to Yuri, his fingers looked wet and glistened with a dark substance.

'Well Luka might have been shooting at something that only he could see, but it looks like we were shooting something real and I think we hurt it.' He indicated the blood on his fingers. 'I just checked the cat-walk and it's covered in blood. Whatever it was we took a bloody great chunk out of it.'

'We need to leave here now,' Makar said before anyone could shut him up.

'Makar you are damn coward.' Yuri shouted at him. It was all he could do to stop himself putting his fist into Makar's face. What is going on with me? Why am I being like this? Something here is doing this to us! Something is trying to drive us crazy!

'I'm sorry Makar, you are right we should leave. Something here is trying to drive us away. And that reason we aint goin' anyplace.' Yuri finally said after he calmed down. Makar and Sanyok looked at their Sergeant as if he had just taken leave of all of his senses.

'You've got to be joking!' Makar said

'Are you fuckin' insane man,' Sanyok said loudly at the same time as Makar.

'Whatever is doing this is very powerful and it must be doing this because it can't get away.' Yuri tried to explain without losing his temper. He guessed that whatever was doing this was trying to make him get so angry he'd kill one of his own men, and it had very nearly succeeded. 'I can't allow something that dangerous to remain this close to the new base. The General will only send us out again to take care of it, so we might as we do it now.' He knew that his argument didn't hold water, but he hoped it would be enough to keep his men together. Enough to stop them falling apart, barely.

'Come on Makar,' Yuri said as he saw Sanyok begin to realise what was going on. 'You going to give into this thing? Are you going let this thing win?' Makar's face suddenly broke into a evil grin that cut his face from ear to ear.

'Hell no!' He cried.

Something suddenly hit the catwalk again. Everyone turned to see a man sized, two-legged creature. It was only clothed in a loose pair of trousers and was moving slowly towards them. It tipped its head back and bellowed into the ceiling. All three men brought their weapons and started firing at the creature. It screamed as its body was torn apart by the weapons fire. It bellowed again, this time it was more like a scream of pain. It increased its speed and jumped off the cat-walk and kept running for the door. Before the squad could get another shot off the strange creature was out the door and gone.


The four men made camp after a thorough search of the warehouse. They didn't find another creature and no one reported anymore strange feelings, thoughts or apparitions. Little Luka woke-up about thirty minutes after the creature escaped. He said that he remembered nothing after entering the warehouse.

They took turns taking watch and they had a quiet night. The next day they left the warehouse and headed back towards the Duty Outpost in the Garbage. About two hundred metres from the warehouse they discovered the body of what they thought was the creature they had fired upon in the warehouse. It was badly shot-up and had obviously died from its wounds. Sanyok examined it closely and declared that it was a Controller, and they all knew that they had been lucky to come away with their minds intact.

'Why didn't it just rip our minds out our heads like they usually do?' Little Luka asked. It was a question everyone else had on their lips but didn't want to ask.

'Who knows little man,' Bear said finally. 'It's just one of the many mysteries of the Zone.'
 
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