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The Creature In the Warehouse

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  22:45:19  7 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
 

Message edited by:
Danlo
10/09/2009 1:16:01
Messages: 5198
The Creature (continued)

Everyone stopped firing to the Yuri's shouts of 'Cease Fire'. Five sets of headlamps were switched on and were trained on the area where they were firing at. There was nothing there. Yuri turned to face the youngest and smallest member of the squad.

'Okay, you little shit, what did you see?' The anger in his voice hit Little Luka like a physical slap in the face. The small man, backed away. He was physically shaking as if he had just seen the most scariest thing in his life. His face had gone completely white. 'Come on Luka, speak.' The Sergeant was almost shouting at him.

'Come Yuri, calm down, let the boy speak.' Makar said as he stepped closer to Yuri and gripped his arm tightly. 'Can't you see the lad is shitting himself?'

Uri looked from Luka to Makar and back again. Christ, he thought, what is wrong with me? Of course he could see that the boy was terrified. So why did he continue shouting at him? He looked around him. It's this place. It's getting to all of us. Or something in here is messing with our heads. He looked back at Luka, 'look Luka I'm sorry. Something here is getting to us all. Can you please tell us what you saw?' His voice had lost nearly all of its bluster now.

Luka's eyes were wide open. His pupils were so large you couldn't see the colour of his eyes.

'He...he was...he was here...here. He was here!' He stuttered. Saying that took everything out of him and he collapsed on the floor in tears.


(edited - removed the last section as it didn't flow with the rest)
  01:14:17  8 October 2009
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HL2 Master
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 06/28/2008
Messages: 271
GREAT MAN!



---QUOTATION---
'I want Yuri to get some sleep.' No one commented that this was possibly the first kind thing he had ever done for Luka, or for any of them for that matter.
---END QUOTATION---



The one mistake I saw.

HL2
  10:45:11  8 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
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On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
corrected
  14:56:38  8 October 2009
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Racemate
Loner
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On forum: 02/11/2009
Messages: 1252
The Creature (continued)

No bad.


---QUOTATION---
'He...he was...he was here...here. He was here!' He stuttered. Saying that took everything out of him and he collapsed on the floor in tears. Yuri looked at his watch and decided it was best to make camp here. He called Sanyok back and they built a fire.
---END QUOTATION---


IMO, these two sentences look like from different parts of the story. I mean, they felt breath of death at that place, and moment later they decided to make a camp there.


---QUOTATION---
He told them about his childhood, about his father's physical abuse of him and his brothers. It was the reason he had ran away to the Zone in the first place.
---END QUOTATION---


Don't you think it would be better to give it as a direct speech?


---QUOTATION---
Two hours later whatever it was was back. Yuri could feel the fear and resentment at others start to build. He quickly let Sanyok know what was happening and he woke Makar and Bear.
---END QUOTATION---


Some direct speech here would make this episode more alive, methinks.
  16:00:39  8 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
Yes

Yes and

Yes

- all three bits need to be expanded - why make camp at all?

As usual my stories do have a tendency to write themselves so the narrative gets away from me. tbh - I think the section after the Luka tells him what he saw needs to go and be replaced. More than likely Luka would go completely catatonic when forced to face his memory I think.
  17:32:38  8 October 2009
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Racemate
Loner
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On forum: 02/11/2009
 

Message edited by:
Racemate
10/08/2009 18:28:26
Messages: 1252

---QUOTATION---
tbh - I think the section after the Luka tells him what he saw needs to go and be replaced. More than likely Luka would go completely catatonic when forced to face his memory I think.
---END QUOTATION---


Well, catatonic condition means a person cannot deal with a problem, it's shocked. It's kind of self-defense mechanism of mind against traumatizing factors.

Usually if people can talk about what hurts them means they can abstract away from a problem, that rather is as a step to recovery.

Of course a person can fall in catatonia again that means the problem goes deeper, and person's mind failed to overcome it.
  18:20:49  8 October 2009
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belizarius
Strelok Holmes
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On forum: 09/02/2009
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Great story so far..I like it a lot
  19:54:26  8 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198

---QUOTATION---
tbh - I think the section after the Luka tells him what he saw needs to go and be replaced. More than likely Luka would go completely catatonic when forced to face his memory I think.
Well, catatonic condition means a person cannot deal with a problem, it's shocked. It's kind of self-defense mechanism of mind against traumatizing factors.

Usually if people can talk about what hurts them means they can abstract away from a problem, that rather is as a step to recovery.

Of course a person can fall in catatonia again that means the problem goes deeper, and person's mind failed to overcome it.
---END QUOTATION---



good point - I think he just goes catatonic without explaining why - gives them another handicap.


belizarius

thank you
  01:16:14  9 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
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On forum: 10/21/2008
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edited - removed the last section as it didn't flow with the rest
  13:56:22  9 October 2009
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Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
 

Message edited by:
Danlo
10/09/2009 18:05:04
Messages: 5198
Replacement for deleted section

His legs suddenly buckled and Luka slumped to the floor, coming to rest in a sitting position with his feet tucked under him. His rifle clattered to the floor and he just sat there staring into space.

Makar walked over to him and gave the young man a shake, 'Hey, Luka. You okay? Hey Luka.' He said loudly but there was no response from his friend. He bent down and looked Luka closely and then turned to Yuri. 'Looks like he's gone catatonic.'

'Oh, fuck me. That's all we need.' Yuri shouted at the roof. Bear walked over to Little Luka and easily lifted him off his feet.

'I'll look after the little man,' he said. 'He don't wait anythin'.'

Sanyok walked back and stood next to Yuri, his fingers looked wet and glistened with a dark substance.

'Well Luka might have been shooting at something only he could see, but the shadow we were shooting appears to be something real, and I think we hurt it.' He indicated the blood on his fingers. 'I just checked the cat-walk and it's covered in blood. Whatever it was we took a bloody great chunk out of it.'

(edited for obvious glaring mistake)
 
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