ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
Town-32

« Previous 10 events | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 | All Messages
Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  12:16:24  24 September 2009
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
snorkbait
Nexus 6
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/21/2008
Messages: 1081
Good story. I liked the build-up, travelling to the town, setting up camp... It all went together well. Ditto for the attack.
It did seem a bit rushed after that, though, especially around the sudden bandit attack. I was also surprised by the death of Kuznetsov, as a lot of the story had been focalized through him: typically, that person has to survive.
The epilogue actually seems to return to the form shown before the river crossing. Yuyiy's reaction is understandable and the narration is more patient.
In common with the other bits, though (especially 'In the beginning...'), there are a lot of interesting points and ideas here.
  13:09:43  24 September 2009
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198
thanks - when I finally finish all the stories for "Tales From The Zone" I will be doing a final reedit and will be looking at the "weak bits". Or I may be bored one day and just do it.
  10:42:18  17 October 2009
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Racemate
Loner
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/11/2009
 

Message edited by:
Racemate
10/17/2009 16:10:02
Messages: 1252
Good, I like it.

There are some the same mistakes with the names in the beginning, unless you meant something else.

Your military are kinda too civilized/refined (the meeting Andriy with Lyosha). Although, some variation could be there.


---QUOTATION---
They are like some romantic hero out of Soviet and Pre-Soviet literature to my men.
---END QUOTATION---



Which ones do you mean?


---QUOTATION---
He could see others near the gate under the same feelings of depression.
---END QUOTATION---



It seems, it should be shown in more detailed here. I mean, I can understand Anton's feelings, since he describes them. But how it looks from outside? It doesn't say anything. So, it's a bit unclear, what Anton has seen.


---QUOTATION---
The Gunner in the rear vehicle reported movement in the tree line. The front vehicles turret swung around to verify and just managed to see a sudden flash as if something had exploded. He could just see the large projectile streaking towards the rear BTR and everyone heard the cry from the rear Gunner, ‘RPG!!!’
---END QUOTATION---



It would be sharper, more intensive, if some direct speech would be used there.


---QUOTATION---
...Konstantin stood his ground as he fired his AKM at the approaching bandits. Pyotr saw a ... ... ran to the second helo as it touched down to load the survivors.
---END QUOTATION---



I understand your writer's stream to put all in narration, first. So, it wouldn't be extra, if it was diluted with some direct speech here, too.

IMHO.
  16:14:54  17 October 2009
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Danlo
The Lazy Writer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/21/2008
Messages: 5198

---QUOTATION---
Good, I like it.

There are some the same mistakes with the names in the beginning, unless you meant something else.

Your military are kinda too civilized/refined (the meeting Andriy with Lyosha). Although, some variation could be there.
---END QUOTATION---



what do you think I should have put?


---QUOTATION---
They are like some romantic hero out of Soviet and Pre-Soviet literature to my men.

Which ones do you mean?
---END QUOTATION---

I didn't have any in mind at all - tbh honest it just seemed like a good line - I've only read pre-Soviet literature (well Anna Karenina) and that was some time ago so names escape me.


---QUOTATION---
He could see others near the gate under the same feelings of depression.

It seems, it should be shown in more detailed here. I mean, we can understand Anton's feelings, since he describes them. But how it looks from outside? It doesn't say anything. So, it's a bit unclear, what Anton has seen.
---END QUOTATION---

- I see what you mean


---QUOTATION---
The Gunner in the rear vehicle reported movement in the tree line. The front vehicles turret swung around to verify and just managed to see a sudden flash as if something had exploded. He could just see the large projectile streaking towards the rear BTR and everyone heard the cry from the rear Gunner, ‘RPG!!!’

It would be sharper, more intensive, if some direct speech would be used there.
---END QUOTATION---

I understand what you mean - but the only way I can see to give it more impact would be the rear gunner having conversation with another soldier and then he sees movement - says so over the intercom and has just enough time to shout RPG - let me work on it


---QUOTATION---
...Konstantin stood his ground as he fired his AKM at the approaching bandits. Pyotr saw a ... ... ran to the second helo as it touched down to load the survivors.

I understand your writer's stream to put all in narration, first. So, it wouldn't be extra, if it was diluted with some direct speech here, too.

IMHO.
---END QUOTATION---

Everytime I read that I feel that its a bit sparse but can't think what to do with it - I'll try adding some speech and see how it goes.
  11:42:38  18 October 2009
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Racemate
Loner
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/11/2009
 

Message edited by:
Racemate
10/18/2009 11:43:13
Messages: 1252

---QUOTATION---
Your military are kinda too civilized/refined (the meeting Andriy with Lyosha). Although, some variation could be there.

what do you think I should have put?
---END QUOTATION---



Kinda some strong words or expressions. Especially in Lyosha's speech, since he had been living in the Zone some time, and had become resentful, embittered.

Especially when a bottle of strong liquid had been consumed.

But be careful with that, you easily can make them lowbrow warriors.


---QUOTATION---
They are like some romantic hero out of Soviet and Pre-Soviet literature to my men.

Which ones do you mean?

I didn't have any in mind at all - tbh honest it just seemed like a good line - I've only read pre-Soviet literature (well Anna Karenina) and that was some time ago so names escape me.
---END QUOTATION---



Yeah, it's a good line, but it's the very delicate point in the same time. Since there are a lot of people who love Soviet and Pre-Soviet time, and plenty others who hate it. Especially, if you do not mention exactly which hero.


---QUOTATION---
I understand what you mean - but the only way I can see to give it more impact would be the rear gunner having conversation with another soldier and then he sees movement - says so over the intercom and has just enough time to shout RPG - let me work on it

Everytime I read that I feel that its a bit sparse but can't think what to do with it - I'll try adding some speech and see how it goes.
---END QUOTATION---



Maybe, using a short phrases, exclamations, etc. along with action would make a whole picture more alive, methinks.
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2019 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.