| 16:50:00 9 June 2010
On forum: 12/17/2009
A Stalker who Delivers Many Artifacts begains to feel Bleed Out Alot and Feel Uneasy About His lack of Stamina
He asks His Boss, Sedorovich, For Some Sort Of Compensation for this.
Sedorovich sits the Stalker down and asks him about his job
Sedorovich: I see you Deliver Artifacts and require some compensation
Stalker: Yes. I feel so sick
Sedorovich: Alright, So you Carry Around any Thorn Artifacts, Stalker?
Stalker: Yes There are many Burnt Fuzz Anomaly In the Red Forest I carry a few on me.
Sedorovich: And What About Droplet Artifact?
Stalker: Oh yeah. Around the Garbage There is many Burner Anomaly to Find these
Sedorovich: And you wear these ON you while Carrying them?
Stalker: Well yea. Most Stalkers if they see you with a belt full of Artifacts they will back off opposed to them in your pack, In that case they shoot you for them
Sedorovich: So you wear Droplet Artifacts and Thorn artifacts while walking around the zone
Stalker: Yeah, thats right.
Sedorovich: Well no wonder why you are Bleeding All Over The place and losing Stamina, If you wear those artifacts on you that will happen!!. I am not paying you Roubles for Stupidity Stalker!
Stalker: I Dont have any artifacts on me right now I am asking compensation for getting Shot in the Leg.
if anyone has of their own feel free to post them.
| 21:30:07 12 June 2010
On forum: 10/11/2008
How do you call a really fat stalker?|
Answer a ''meat chunk''
2 bloodsuckers are eating a vampire says on to the other ''Do you think this is cannabilse?'' in which the other replies ''Oh my god! A talking bloodsucker!''
How do you call a fat crippled stalker?
How do you call a rookie stalker?
Why do Snorks stay so close to the ground?
Cause they lost there contact lenses
| 03:12:53 13 June 2010
On forum: 12/17/2009
Once I hide my loot in tree. In night I went for it but I saw someone at tree. I went closer and asked: ''who are you, from which faction?" No answer. I asked again: ''who are you, from which faction?". Still no answer. I asked harder: ''who are you, from which faction?". Then a silent voice: ''I'm controller.''
''Why you didn't said in start?"
this is the best one
| 03:02:00 14 June 2010
On forum: 01/22/2008
A bunch of randomly bad stalker jokes by Maiman!|
I could always mention my famous Zhui Hui Joke but thats been said enough... and its in my sig so I am kinda mentioning it anyways.
Two stalkers are bartering, one offers the other an Eye, the other is offering a Snowflake. The First stalker accepts the deal and cuts out his own eye, to which he explains "good deal no?"
The Dutyers are defending against a horde of mutants, the mutants are many and they probably wont survive... And the Controller asks the zombie where he can get a psy protector which he replies, I dunno I didn't have one...
Dutyer: SO FAHNNY JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three stalkers are talking around the camp fire.
First Stalker: where can I get food
Second Stalker: you can go to Sidorovich
First Stalker: good plan want to come?
Second Stalker: sure what about you
Third Stalker remains silent.
Second Stalker: what is wrong with him?
First Stalker: he starved to death, why do you think I asked for food
A cloaked trader is selling a magical top hat that is said to tame any beast, a stalker buys it and immediately puts it on a bloodsucker, it didn't work, so the stalker returns to the trader and asks why it didn't work explaining how he almost died in the attempt, the trader informs him that he must also put the magical suit on him, so the stalker buys it and almost dies dressing the bloodsucker, it didn't work, so the stalker returns to the trader and asks why it didn't work, the trader informs him he needs the magical monocle, which the stalker buys and puts on the bloodsucker, it almost gets him killed, it didn't work. The stalker is pissed and returns to the trader asking why it didn't work, to which the Trader replies "It always works for me, but I guess that's because I am actually a controller.
Moral of the story: Don't wear suits
Three stalkers have escaped the zone and have survived every danger in the zone by a hundredfold, they then decided to go brag at a bar and picked up some chicks, one of the chicks asks to drive and they drive off a cliff and explode.
Moral of the story: Even God doesn't let a woman drive
that one I admit was pretty bad...
A stalker hears a noise and runs out guns blazing, to which a bloodsucker replies, do you mind I am trying to take a piss here.
And that is how pellicles are formed!
What do you call a drunk Stalker? Immune to Radiation
What do you call a fat out of shape stalker? Mercenary Scar
How many Dutyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 17, 1 to screw it in and 16 to disobey orders and attack the freedom base.
How many Freedomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It will get done but when depends on how much 'Herb' Ganja has brought in
How many Bandits does it take to screw in a lightbulb? an odd number, because they will each try to steal it
How many Mercenaries does it take to screw in a lightbulb? depends on how much money you have to spend
How many Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Are you kidding, do you seriously want a PhD in the obvious
A Stalker is walking in the zone and finds Duke Nukem and immedietly asks why he isn't saving the world in Duke Nukem Forever to which Duke Replies "I don't play with toys, blow it up your ass!"
A stalker stumbles into a bar and asks for antirads, to which Barkeep replies he is out but passes him votka, the stalker asks why he gave him votka and the stalker immedietly takes it, he only feels slightly better after drinking the entire bottle, the barkeep informed him that it only lowers a little bit, the stalker bought more and more votka until finally he dropped dead. To which the barkeep said "I should have warned him about alcohol poisoning, what do we do with the body?"
"well he can't go there" said Gharik
"but I said come in don't stand there" replied Zhorrik
Barkeep "SO FAHNNY JOKE!!!!"
Seven stalkers were in a showdown against a master stalker, the master stalker fired two shots from his SPAS-12 and killed one of the stalkers before throwing the gun at another quickly raising his desert eagle and firing six shots into him, he turned and fired three more into another stalker but his gun jammed so he threw it at the other stalker, he pulled out three grenades and threw them behind him and pulled out his knife, the stalkers were dead except for one, he raised his knife behind his ear and threw it..
[FATAL ERROR: ]
[BUGTRAP ERROR REPORT: ]
[Do you wish to send an error report ]
[[Yes] [No] ]
I'm back baby.
| 04:10:40 14 June 2010
On forum: 05/21/2010
Message edited by:
two stalker on a cliff look in their binoculars at the Cordon rookie camp.|
1st stalker: I don't remember that there was zombies in rookie camp. Care if I shoot them?
2nd stalker: Don't know, maybe if you wouldn't be that idiot you would notice all the vodka bottle laying around.
In the bar, a stalker came in with a butterfly on his shoulder.
Barkeep: Hey, stand away from me with this thing!
Stalker: Why? It's cute and unoffensive.
After he said his last words, the bug get on his face and explode.
Moral of the story: everything can kill you, even freaking flies.
A Dutyer is put in jail with a Freedomer.
Dutyer: I think it's the first time I like a freedomer
Dutyer: When you will starve to death you will make a good pillow.