Message edited by: operative x 07/25/2003 6:14:41
As the stalker awoke from a loud scratching sound and jolt from his belt, his head arose, he paned down to look at the start of the disturbance. As his visions clarity grew stronger, so did his fear. The noise was made by a massive rat. It was bleeding from the mouth with its bloodshot eyes it quickly chew the bindings of a small pouch of food. As it noticed its victims awareness it led out a loud shriek then quickly dashed away. The stalker shot out of his sleeping bag, he then ran to the rats nest disguised under a dead soldiers helmet. His hand slowly creep under like a snake, he grab the rats neck then loosened his grip after feeling the jolt and crunch of broken bones. As the stalker stood up, he noticed a sparkle outside of the window on top of a building. He ignored it than sat down on is sleeping bag. But before his body fully came in contact with his sleeping bag he felt a gush of wind. A bullet flew through the stalkers hair, giving him a flesh wound to his scalp. Then another shot went straight to his shoulder striking a mirror behind him. The force of the blow knocked him to the floor low enough to hid him from anymore shots. He reached for his rifle and quickly grabbed a shard of glass. He used his foot to drag out a fallen clip from his bag then smacked it into position. He then lifted the shard finding the position of the sniper. After pausing for exactly 5 seconds he popped up holding up the barrel with his dangling numb hand. He took several shots then finally striking the man in the face. But if there was one thing a stalker always new was that army troops didn
Well, your story does has it's good points. You can write graphically, but that's also your main problem. You ONLY write graphically. There is virtually no plot, just a short 'scene'. My guess is that you just wrote down something cool that you came up with. However, that's not exactly a story, is it?
But if you worked out a plot, tried to imaging if the dialogue is anything near realistic, then you could go a long way. Just don't give in to the tempation of quick results.
PS Please work out the grammar and spelling. It's a real distraction for someone who's trying to read your story objectively.
‘Right, this calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.’
- Vyvyan, The Young Ones