ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
The tale of the Weapon Broker

« Previous 10 events | 1 2 | All Messages
Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  08:20:11  7 August 2011
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
Messages: 754
*Claps*

Very good, this thing shows huge potentials to be something big. I like the "Roadside picnic" esque atmosphere, with alot of natural human interactions. I like the mysterious Weapon Broker, which despite by hatred for anything "cool" or "over the top", he still felt like something that would fit with the Stalker universe and your own atmosphere. Which is far more than enough to make me happy. In overall, you're going in the right way to make your Zone feel alive, and that's great work. My only gripe with this is some (not all just some, maybe about 2 or so) of the dialogs don't feel fluent enough, for example:

˝You know, I had more practice with a pistol than probably most of the men here and I killed before I came to the zone and I tend to kill again to get what I want, and right now I want some quality time with my new pistol˝

It seems like he just said the whole thing in one breath, which makes it feel very unnatural. It'd be better like this:

˝You know, I had more practice with a pistol than probably most of the men here. I've killed before I came to the zone and I'll kill again to get what I want; And right now I want some quality time with my new pistol. Got that?˝

The comma in this part needs to be put in a better place:

˝Oh, how cute the new guy has a weaon and now he is looking at it like a baby at his mothers tits˝

Could be better as:

˝Oh how cute, the new guy has a weapon and now he is looking at it like a baby at his mother's tits.˝


Oh and one last thing, why did you left out some of the good part in the first version? Like the:

˝Ha ha pick on the new guy, I bet you had the same gun and the same look when you came to the Zone˝
˝Me? I had a Kalashnikov with me, I came preapared˝

The:

The nearby Stalker smilled ˝Oh, you shot ONE man? just one tiny Man? Oh man Im soo scared form you and the bandits with the Aks and other weapons should really wach out, because you man have a PISTOL˝ He bursted out laughing

And the fact that some of the Stalker asked Vlad to tell Gregor about the weapon broker and not just by him self.

Why I might ask? I kinda like that, It should have been merged.
  21:15:20  8 August 2011
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
Thank you 009, your tips are really helpful. I will add a new chapter soon and It will have such details you describet. As it is clearly visible Im not form an English speaking countrie and its kinda hard for me to express the things I think in English.
  19:29:13  11 August 2011
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
The Journey begins

Here is the next chapter, any feedback is welcome ( as are critiques wich i really eny reading to improve my writting)

The sun was now high in the sky, Gregors PDA showed it was around 10 o clock, to be precise it was the 11. Of August. The weather slowly changed to a cloudy state and when the sun hid behind the could the man smiled. He looked at Gregor and smiled.
˝So, now you are on a wanted list in the zone, you merely escaped the Rookie village and why? Just because you stated you were a cop.... If you ask me you are really stupid.˝
Gregor sighted and looked back to see if somebody would follow them.
˝Im new, I wanted to make a good impression... That's the first rule they tell you when you start working an an office˝
˝Oh, you clearly don't have any weapon experience, you have no clue how to use a Geiger counter and your equipment is just stupid˝
Gregor looked at his jeans and long sleeved pullover, He knew he wasn't protected against bullets, or other dangers. He planed to buy everything in the zone, but it turned out that the prices were far beyond his financial status, he sighted.
˝Yes, I know. But that asshole Sidorovich took almost my whole money for this PDA and this pistol˝
˝I know... He is wery greedy these days... I think we haven't meet properly... My name is long forgotten, but they call me the Broker. For the stalkers who meet me, call me The Christ... They mock me because I have faith... And my faith is my shield˝
Gregor rolled with his eyes
˝You know, your really to religious... Still, your faith saved me. My name would be Gregor Sa...˝
He was interrupted by the Broker.
˝No last names in the zone... If Bandits find your identity then you are in a bad position in the zone..
First they warn you and want something for you, But if you can't give it to them than they will blackmail you... They will go after your family...˝
Gregor went pale, He didn't know that a error like this could endanger your whole family.A stupid error and somebody would loose his family. The zone was far crueler than he tough.
˝Ok... Then just Gregor˝
The broker nodded and offered his hand for a handshake, Gregor hesitated a bit, but shook his hand.
˝We have about three hours until the stalkers will be loved outside the village... I soke with Wolf and he will help us, He said that Vlad is going on hi nerves and that he always tries to scare the newcomers away from the camp... I came here to trade the old weapons to Sidorovich... After that I wanted to get to the Bar... And it seems that you have no choice to come with me˝
Gregors eyes widened. Is he really going to drag me around the zone? I have no protection against radiation, no experience, no knowledge. And what scares me the most... No choice.
˝A-alright, but I have nothing to give you for rescuing me˝
˝I don't need anything, but some company is always something I annoyed... Come on, God will protect us..˝
The Broker stood up and walked towards the road.
Gregor sightline and followed him.And here I go, deeper into the zone, I hope this Broker has some weapons for me, or at least something I could use.
They walked in silence until they came to the collapsed train bridge. Some soldiers were guarding the the road, as gregor noticed it his hearth beat speed up, his mouth become a bit dry.
˝What, do we go passed them? If they see us they will kill us... I mean I don't want to die˝
The Broker rolled with his eyes.
˝Gregor relax and let me handle it... You have to learn some things about this conscripts... They are always friendly with you if you have what they want... And they always want vodka˝
They walked to the bridge. As soon as the soldiers noticed them they pointed their weapons at them. The commander walked forward and spoke.
˝This area is off limits, hand over your weapons, artifacts, and money˝
˝Kamrov, you are really talkative today... Don't you recognize me?˝
Kamrov looked annoyed
˝Oh great, The Christ... What did you come to bore us with your preaches? Do you want to talk about your god? If it is that case then you will soon speak with him personally˝
The broker shook his head
˝Oh, I wanted to bring you some drinks.... But If you don't want them˝
He turned around and slowly started to walk
˝IM NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD TO PLAY GAMES... Hand the vodka over and you two can pass... It better be something good and not some speeches low budget Vodka¨
The Broker turned around and walked to Kamrov. He then gave him his backpack, which was apparently filled with 12 Vodka bottles. As soon as Kamrov saw the bottles he smiled.
˝Alright, we will have a sudden attack of blindness... You have 1 Minute to pass understood?˝
The Broker nodded and motioned Gregor to follow him. As they passed the beneath the bridge Kumara shouted
˝Christ, return whenever you want... But you better have the same vodka with you˝
The Broker nodded, but didn't turn around.
˝God will punish them with accordingly... The livers shall decay in their body's... Corrupted they are and corrupted they die, like the underplayed conscripts they are...˝
Gregor Paled a bit. Why do I follow him, Is this really smart? At least he can pressured, I just hope He wont be all this Religious on the whole journey.
  04:14:37  12 August 2011
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
D_Money
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/07/2008
Messages: 144
Spellcheck

Hey Trainerr,

You've done a really good job given English is not your first language but I highly recommend putting your story into Microsoft Word and using the spell check function. You'll see the mistakes when there's a red squiggly line underneath each word.

Your core story is good though.

Cheers,

Dan.
  05:46:17  13 August 2011
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Zugbarrh
Veteran
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/01/2009
Messages: 883
was good, though as 009 says about the spelling, but it was good.


Zug
  07:35:14  13 August 2011
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
Messages: 754
Yeah, try to slow down and be more careful, and use Win Word or Internet Explorer's spell checker when you don't writing (or any spell check provided by your web browser that is). The story is very atmospheric but the spelling mistakes often ruins that mood.
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2019 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.