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The tale of the Weapon Broker

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  07:35:14  13 August 2011
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009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
Messages: 754
Yeah, try to slow down and be more careful, and use Win Word or Internet Explorer's spell checker when you don't writing (or any spell check provided by your web browser that is). The story is very atmospheric but the spelling mistakes often ruins that mood.
  05:46:17  13 August 2011
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Zugbarrh
Veteran
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/01/2009
Messages: 883
was good, though as 009 says about the spelling, but it was good.


Zug
  04:14:37  12 August 2011
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D_Money
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/07/2008
Messages: 146
Spellcheck

Hey Trainerr,

You've done a really good job given English is not your first language but I highly recommend putting your story into Microsoft Word and using the spell check function. You'll see the mistakes when there's a red squiggly line underneath each word.

Your core story is good though.

Cheers,

Dan.
  19:29:13  11 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
The Journey begins

Here is the next chapter, any feedback is welcome ( as are critiques wich i really eny reading to improve my writting)

The sun was now high in the sky, Gregors PDA showed it was around 10 o clock, to be precise it was the 11. Of August. The weather slowly changed to a cloudy state and when the sun hid behind the could the man smiled. He looked at Gregor and smiled.
˝So, now you are on a wanted list in the zone, you merely escaped the Rookie village and why? Just because you stated you were a cop.... If you ask me you are really stupid.˝
Gregor sighted and looked back to see if somebody would follow them.
˝Im new, I wanted to make a good impression... That's the first rule they tell you when you start working an an office˝
˝Oh, you clearly don't have any weapon experience, you have no clue how to use a Geiger counter and your equipment is just stupid˝
Gregor looked at his jeans and long sleeved pullover, He knew he wasn't protected against bullets, or other dangers. He planed to buy everything in the zone, but it turned out that the prices were far beyond his financial status, he sighted.
˝Yes, I know. But that asshole Sidorovich took almost my whole money for this PDA and this pistol˝
˝I know... He is wery greedy these days... I think we haven't meet properly... My name is long forgotten, but they call me the Broker. For the stalkers who meet me, call me The Christ... They mock me because I have faith... And my faith is my shield˝
Gregor rolled with his eyes
˝You know, your really to religious... Still, your faith saved me. My name would be Gregor Sa...˝
He was interrupted by the Broker.
˝No last names in the zone... If Bandits find your identity then you are in a bad position in the zone..
First they warn you and want something for you, But if you can't give it to them than they will blackmail you... They will go after your family...˝
Gregor went pale, He didn't know that a error like this could endanger your whole family.A stupid error and somebody would loose his family. The zone was far crueler than he tough.
˝Ok... Then just Gregor˝
The broker nodded and offered his hand for a handshake, Gregor hesitated a bit, but shook his hand.
˝We have about three hours until the stalkers will be loved outside the village... I soke with Wolf and he will help us, He said that Vlad is going on hi nerves and that he always tries to scare the newcomers away from the camp... I came here to trade the old weapons to Sidorovich... After that I wanted to get to the Bar... And it seems that you have no choice to come with me˝
Gregors eyes widened. Is he really going to drag me around the zone? I have no protection against radiation, no experience, no knowledge. And what scares me the most... No choice.
˝A-alright, but I have nothing to give you for rescuing me˝
˝I don't need anything, but some company is always something I annoyed... Come on, God will protect us..˝
The Broker stood up and walked towards the road.
Gregor sightline and followed him.And here I go, deeper into the zone, I hope this Broker has some weapons for me, or at least something I could use.
They walked in silence until they came to the collapsed train bridge. Some soldiers were guarding the the road, as gregor noticed it his hearth beat speed up, his mouth become a bit dry.
˝What, do we go passed them? If they see us they will kill us... I mean I don't want to die˝
The Broker rolled with his eyes.
˝Gregor relax and let me handle it... You have to learn some things about this conscripts... They are always friendly with you if you have what they want... And they always want vodka˝
They walked to the bridge. As soon as the soldiers noticed them they pointed their weapons at them. The commander walked forward and spoke.
˝This area is off limits, hand over your weapons, artifacts, and money˝
˝Kamrov, you are really talkative today... Don't you recognize me?˝
Kamrov looked annoyed
˝Oh great, The Christ... What did you come to bore us with your preaches? Do you want to talk about your god? If it is that case then you will soon speak with him personally˝
The broker shook his head
˝Oh, I wanted to bring you some drinks.... But If you don't want them˝
He turned around and slowly started to walk
˝IM NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD TO PLAY GAMES... Hand the vodka over and you two can pass... It better be something good and not some speeches low budget Vodka¨
The Broker turned around and walked to Kamrov. He then gave him his backpack, which was apparently filled with 12 Vodka bottles. As soon as Kamrov saw the bottles he smiled.
˝Alright, we will have a sudden attack of blindness... You have 1 Minute to pass understood?˝
The Broker nodded and motioned Gregor to follow him. As they passed the beneath the bridge Kumara shouted
˝Christ, return whenever you want... But you better have the same vodka with you˝
The Broker nodded, but didn't turn around.
˝God will punish them with accordingly... The livers shall decay in their body's... Corrupted they are and corrupted they die, like the underplayed conscripts they are...˝
Gregor Paled a bit. Why do I follow him, Is this really smart? At least he can pressured, I just hope He wont be all this Religious on the whole journey.
  21:15:20  8 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
Thank you 009, your tips are really helpful. I will add a new chapter soon and It will have such details you describet. As it is clearly visible Im not form an English speaking countrie and its kinda hard for me to express the things I think in English.
  08:20:11  7 August 2011
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009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
Messages: 754
*Claps*

Very good, this thing shows huge potentials to be something big. I like the "Roadside picnic" esque atmosphere, with alot of natural human interactions. I like the mysterious Weapon Broker, which despite by hatred for anything "cool" or "over the top", he still felt like something that would fit with the Stalker universe and your own atmosphere. Which is far more than enough to make me happy. In overall, you're going in the right way to make your Zone feel alive, and that's great work. My only gripe with this is some (not all just some, maybe about 2 or so) of the dialogs don't feel fluent enough, for example:

˝You know, I had more practice with a pistol than probably most of the men here and I killed before I came to the zone and I tend to kill again to get what I want, and right now I want some quality time with my new pistol˝

It seems like he just said the whole thing in one breath, which makes it feel very unnatural. It'd be better like this:

˝You know, I had more practice with a pistol than probably most of the men here. I've killed before I came to the zone and I'll kill again to get what I want; And right now I want some quality time with my new pistol. Got that?˝

The comma in this part needs to be put in a better place:

˝Oh, how cute the new guy has a weaon and now he is looking at it like a baby at his mothers tits˝

Could be better as:

˝Oh how cute, the new guy has a weapon and now he is looking at it like a baby at his mother's tits.˝


Oh and one last thing, why did you left out some of the good part in the first version? Like the:

˝Ha ha pick on the new guy, I bet you had the same gun and the same look when you came to the Zone˝
˝Me? I had a Kalashnikov with me, I came preapared˝

The:

The nearby Stalker smilled ˝Oh, you shot ONE man? just one tiny Man? Oh man Im soo scared form you and the bandits with the Aks and other weapons should really wach out, because you man have a PISTOL˝ He bursted out laughing

And the fact that some of the Stalker asked Vlad to tell Gregor about the weapon broker and not just by him self.

Why I might ask? I kinda like that, It should have been merged.
  20:04:10  5 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
The Rough Start

Ok here is the Re-written part, I spellchecked it twice, still Im sure there will be see mistakes... Just keep the critiques coming.


It was a fairly normal day In the Rookie Village. Stalkers doing their normal daily routines. The mood in the village was a little happier than usual, because a new rookie came from the Big lands.
His name was Gregor, but the rest of the stalkers just called him Rookie.
It was now 3 hours that Gregor had been called by Sidorovich and some of the men started to spread rumors about what he is doing there, Wolf Ignored them and started to talk about his adventures to lighten the mood.
After some while Gregor returned form Sidoroviches bunker and proudly carried a Pm Makraov and a spare mag, he sat down at the campfire and started to examine the old worn out pistol.
Some Stalkers started to make fun out of him.
˝Oh, how cute the new guy has a weaon and now he is looking at it like a baby at his mothers tits˝
The Stalkers around him bursted out in laughter, while Gregor just ignored them. The teasing continued until the sun started to set and it was time to talk about the news in the zone.
A quite tall man sat besides Gregor and stared at him, that bothered Gregor and he frowned
˝What, you never saw a cop cleaning his gun before?˝
The Stalker smiled
˝You know, even if you were a Cop before, here we are all the same... Criminals, we came here to find fame and fortune, to get rich or die trying... Or in my case just to outrun the police and I give you an advice Cop, Don't talk around your past here you could get killed because of that˝
Gregor smirked a bit.
˝You know, I had more practice with a pistol than probably most of the men here and I killed before I came to the zone and I tend to kill again to get what I want, and right now I want some quality time with my new pistol˝
The stalker sitting opposite to Gregor smiled
˝Vlad, be careful, I think he is able to kill an army of bloodsuckers with his bare feet ˝
Some stalkers laughed, while Vlad just shook his head.
˝Rookie, you know... The first mistake you just did was to say that this pistol is new, the second that you threatened a stalker in the rookie Village˝
Wolf reloaded his Ak47u and pointed it towards Gregor saying:
˝If you are going to make trouble, then we will force you to run trough the minefield˝
Gregor sightened and continued ˝to play˝ as some stalker stayed with his pistol.
˝Rookie, you better stop playing around, or you might hurt somebody˝
˝Shut up Vlad, let him learn the Hard way˝
Vlad Glared at the Stalker who said that.
˝You know Panda, you still owe me some money so shut up or im going to sell your weapon˝
Panda mumbled something and walked away from the campfire.
˝Look Rookie, I just want to tell you about ... The Weapon Broker˝
Gregor Raised an eyebrow
˝Weapon Broker? Like Sidorovich?˝
Vlad shook his head and some of the Stalkers moved away from the campfire.
˝The weapon broker is the main supplier of the traders... A man that never misses a gun, a man that always finds the body of a dead man... And most importantly a man which can fix you every gun, some say he is a mutant because he has the same habit like the Guide, to get trough any anomaly and some say he doesn't even exist...˝
Gregor smiled
˝You know, you really suck at telling horror story... A man that can fix every weapon is called a mechanic and they are really common outside the zone, and that he can get trough any anomaly... Well I would call that just lucky...˝
He was interrupted by a Click sound behind his head, as he turned around he saw a Man wearing a black leather jacked, His face was hidden behind a black hood, Straight at Gregors face was a Tolkaiev TT aimed. The man spoke with a dry calm voice:
˝I see... You don't believe in story like this one? No well, then you don't need your pistol˝
The man Grabbed holstered his Tolkaiev and quickly grabbed Gregors gun and disassembled it giving him the parts back. Gregors blood boiled.
˝ARE YOU FUCKING MAD ? YOU JUST fucking disassembled my pistol, you are lucky I don't shoot you ˝
Vlad went pale like a ghost while the man just aimed his Tolkaiev against Gregors head.
˝Boom... And you would just be a another victim in this zone... A another wothless body where I can take the belongings of a dead man and sell it again... But Im in a good mood today so I will let you live˝
He holstered the gun and slowly alked towards Sidoroviches Bunker. Gregor stood up and walked inside the nearest house where he desperately started to assemble his pistol again. After some time Vlad came to him and smiled.
˝You don't look like a cop... And you can't even assemble a gun, But you have guts I have to give you that˝
He took the parts and carefully assembled them back into a weapon. Gregor smiled happily
˝Thank you... You are the first here who accualy cares about what I am doing˝
˝You know rookie... No, that's lame, Please tell me your name, and be honest about what you did before you came into the zone˝
Gregor sightened
˝My name is Gregor... And I worked in a office, when my wife died I came here, and I like it until now˝
˝you know.. You are eally lucky that you are still alive... Not many people talked to the Broker and live to tell about him and it is weird that he came to this village like this... He usually doesn't show himself to anybody except the Traders...˝
˝Well anyway IM a bit sleepy so Ill sleep now OK?˝
˝Man Gregor it is the Zone, You can sleep, piss or shit where you want and when you want... But don't talk about it ˝
He laughed while Gregor lied down and closed his eyes. As soon as Gregor fell asleep he walked outside leaving the rookie alone in the house.

The next morning Gregor was shaken awake by the same man that aimed a pistol against his head.
˝Come on stand up, We have to leave ˝
Gregor glared at him
˝And why if I have the liberty to ask you?˝
The Man looked outside the window.
˝Because your friend Vlad ha s put a bounty on your head, and some of the Stalkers want you dead because you stated you were a cop... I wont let that happen, because God gave me a vision that I should save you... And I will do it˝
Gregor shook his head, and stood up.
˝God gave you a vision? Man that sounds like you were smoking three days without a brake and...˝
He was interrupted by a Grenade flying trough the window, The man picked it up and stared at it, Gregor couldn't move he was stiff from shock, Five seconds passed and the Grenade didn't detonate.
˝We have to go NOW!˝
The man threw the grenade outside the window and it detonated, he the grabbed Gregor by his arm and pulled him with him. They Ran outside the Village. Some Stalkers opened fire and missed Gregor by an inch. Wolf rushed outside his house and started to shout at the Stalkers and the gunfire stopped.
They continued running until the man decided they were far enough from the village. Gregor looked at him shocked.
˝Are you fucking crazy? The Garbage could detonate in your hands˝
˝It wouldn't, and if you stay with me you are safe... Or at lest a bit safer. But don't thank me thank god˝ He kissed a small cross in his hands.
˝What do you mean it wouldn't detonate? And you are clearly to religious for my taste.... But thank you ˝

Ok this is the end of the first chapter write critiques and comments.
  18:10:39  5 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
Thanks for the feedback

Ill re-write the first two parts till this Evening

For my grammar I apologize... I know it sucks, but speaking english is 100 times easier for me -.- Ill do the Re-Written part in the best possible english.

Trainer
  05:46:34  5 August 2011
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Zugbarrh
Veteran
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/01/2009
 

Message edited by:
Zugbarrh
08/05/2011 5:48:37
Messages: 883
Its good ill tell you that, except for the spelling of course, cant wait for more!, but i have to agree with the other guys posts.

Zug
  03:43:18  5 August 2011
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009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
 

Message edited by:
009
08/05/2011 3:43:57
Messages: 754
Quite good, although a lot more revisioning is required, for example the part where the Weapon Broker was first mentioned:


---QUOTATION---
˝There lives a man in this zone... Well Im not shure if you can call him a man... Well he collects the weapons from dead stalkers and repairs them...˝

...

The rookies blood boiled ˝ARE YOU FUCKING mad? do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get this wea...˝he was interupted by the mans Tolkajev TT aimed at his head.

˝Boom, and you would be just a nother victim... where I could get a nother wapon.. or maybie not ˝ Some of the stalkers went pale, some laughed. Vlad backed away slightly.

---END QUOTATION---



There should be a better explanation about the Weapon Broker, like having Vlad introduce an engrossing story about him. Instead of just the "he collects the weapons from dead stalkers and repairs them..." explanation, which makes the part felt rather weak, and critically hurt the great atmosphere you're trying to develop.

Other than that, I like it.
 
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