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The tale of the Weapon Broker

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  19:14:07  3 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
The tale of the Weapon Broker

Welcome to my prologue of my story, wich I will start writting soon. I had this idea today while playing STalker SoC with the some weapons mods, and I always wondered what haeppenes to the broken weapons in the zon, I cant imagine That Sidorovich has a unlimited supply of Makarov Pmms and sawed of shootguns.


It was a awrage day in the rookie Village. Wolf was talking about his adventures, when the local ´New guy´came from Sidoroviches bunker, he sat down near the campfire carefully exmining his first weapon- A makarov PMM. Some of the Stalkers rolled with theyr eyes.

A experienced stalker who sat near him laughed
˝You know, you just look like a baby wich is looking at his mothers tits˝
The men around him bursted out laughing while the Rookie sightened.
˝Ha ha pick on the new guy, I bet you had the same gun and the same look when you came to the Zone˝
˝Me? I had a Kalashnikov with me, I came preapared˝
The Rookie rolled his eyes and enthusiastic started to fill the magazine of his pistol.

˝Carefull rookie, you could hurt yourself, or you could hurt anybudy here around˝Shouted Wolf from the window of a nearby house, The stalkers laughed aggain while the rookie blushed.

˝I know I may look like a rookie, but I was in the police and I have shoot a man˝ The nearby Stalker smilled ˝Oh, you shot ONE man? just one tiny Man? Oh man Im soo scared form you and the bandits with the Aks and other weapons should really wach out, because you man have a PISTOL˝ He bursted out laughing

˝Hej Vlad, tell the rookie from where all this pistols come from˝
˝Oh man come on, do you honestly think Im so stupid that I dont know that they come from the weapon factory?˝
Vlad, a tall man wearing a ¨Sunrise¨ stalker suit stood up.
˝You know rookie... You are really dummer than I tought... THe weapon you are using has probably been used to kill a man before, or in the best case it wasnt used too much ˝
The rookie Raised a eyebrow
˝What do you mean with that?˝
Vlads expression darkened, he sat down at the oposite side of the campfire so he could look at the rookie straight into the face.
˝There lives a man in this zone... Well Im not shure if you can call him a man... Well he collects the weapons from dead stalkers and repairs them...˝
˝You mean he gets payed for that ? Thats nothing so special˝
˝Nothing so special you say? Well most of the weapons wich he can collect are from dead stalkers from anomalies, he somehow manages to get trough anything... just like the... Guide I think˝
The rookie smilled ˝Wow, a stalker wich collects old used weapons nothing special˝

A tall man wearing a hooded leather jacked stepped behind the rookie, about 4 pistols hung outside his backpack and most of his jacked was covered in blood. His voice was calm and dry.
˝Interesting, you seem not to care how the weapons are repaired˝he took the rookies pistol and dissasembeled it in a brief moment and gave him the pieces.
The rookies blood boiled ˝ARE YOU FUCKING mad? do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get this wea...˝he was interupted by the mans Tolkajev TT aimed at his head.

˝Boom, and you would be just a nother victim... where I could get a nother wapon.. or maybie not ˝ Some of the stalkers went pale, some laughed. Vlad backed away slightly.

˝I have important buissnes with Sidorovich... the bunker is off limit for this night... goodbye ˝ he walked away, leaving the rookie at the campfire.



OK this would only be a first taste, please write your crtiques, comments, ideas...
  17:00:20  4 August 2011
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Bladewraith
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 10/21/2010
Messages: 306
Critiques
Might recommend you use spell and grammar check.

Comments
Very good Start/Premise, I want to carry on reading
Keep Going
  17:37:55  4 August 2011
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Zugbarrh
Veteran
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/01/2009
Messages: 883
Me to, pretty entertaining so far.

Zug
  23:08:07  4 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
The begining of problems

The rookie took The pieces and walked inside the nearest house, Vlad followed him.
˝Rookie... Do you have any FUCKING Idea how lucky you are? That was the weapon broker, the man that collects the weapons... You could have been dead in a moment, and you start complaining˝
The rookie ignored him and tried to assemble the gun back together. After ten minutes of failure he decided to stop.
˝Vlad... could you help me?˝
Vlad noded and quickly assembled the gun back together.
˝For a former cop you seem to know really nothing about guns, and what is your name? Calling you rookie gets boring after a while˝
˝My name would be Gregor... And I lied with the cop thing... I worked in an office and I never even had a gun in my hands before˝
Vlad smiled and took a can of what was supposed to be meet and opened it.
˝Gregor, you know we are all brothers here in the Zone and we shouldnt have secrets... If Sidorovich would hear that you were a former cop, well then you would be screwed... Still I see you need some help, so if you want you can come with me sometimes and we can hunt some of the Boars here˝
Gregor noded happily and took a harmonica from his backpack
˝You are the first person here who treats me like an actual person... Thank you˝
Vald laughed while eating, resulting in some spitting
˝Look, dont get all sentimental here ok? We are still criminals for being here... but please lighten the mood and play something˝
Gregor noded and started to play some old songs. After a while he stopped and looked outside the window, it was already night and the hauling of the local dogs started.

˝Stuid dogs... i thought the Zone was a quiet place˝
Vlad looked at him perplexed
˝Im sory, but are you some kind of retard? I mean The zone is full of mutants, monsters and anomalies, the houling is a nice change for instance˝
He lied down onto the floor.
˝Go and sleep a bit, tommorow Sidorovich will give us new work and I heared it will be messy˝
Gregor shruged and fell asleep.

The night passed far to quick for Gregors taste and when he woke up he was supprised. Besides Vlad sat The Weapon Broker. He stood up and smiled.
˝Good morning˝
The broker just Glarred at him and continiued the chat with Vlad.
˝And you really think he would make my investment worth? DO you really think he can withstand a small emission... I dont think so and I am never wrong˝
Vlad glared at Gregor.
˝You khan test the rookie out if you want and if you think he is worthy than you can take him with you˝
Gregors eyes widened.
˝Wait, wait, wait... Dont I have anything to say in that?˝
The Broker Stared at him and gave him a wanted poster with Gregors face.
˝You have a bounty on your head, if you stay your dead... If you come with me... well we will see how long you will last˝

Gregor was pale and shivered.
˝Ill rather go with you then...˝
  01:42:12  5 August 2011
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The Ghost
(Senior)
 
On forum: 04/08/2011
Messages: 50
Its pretty entertaining, but remember to use spellcheck.
  02:12:27  5 August 2011
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Simbalime
Bacon
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 08/24/2009
Messages: 348
Yup, i'm with Ghost. but now for the good part; Interesting story, really like the setting so far. keep it up
  03:43:18  5 August 2011
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009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
 

Message edited by:
009
08/05/2011 3:43:57
Messages: 754
Quite good, although a lot more revisioning is required, for example the part where the Weapon Broker was first mentioned:


---QUOTATION---
˝There lives a man in this zone... Well Im not shure if you can call him a man... Well he collects the weapons from dead stalkers and repairs them...˝

...

The rookies blood boiled ˝ARE YOU FUCKING mad? do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get this wea...˝he was interupted by the mans Tolkajev TT aimed at his head.

˝Boom, and you would be just a nother victim... where I could get a nother wapon.. or maybie not ˝ Some of the stalkers went pale, some laughed. Vlad backed away slightly.

---END QUOTATION---



There should be a better explanation about the Weapon Broker, like having Vlad introduce an engrossing story about him. Instead of just the "he collects the weapons from dead stalkers and repairs them..." explanation, which makes the part felt rather weak, and critically hurt the great atmosphere you're trying to develop.

Other than that, I like it.
  05:46:34  5 August 2011
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Zugbarrh
Veteran
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/01/2009
 

Message edited by:
Zugbarrh
08/05/2011 5:48:37
Messages: 883
Its good ill tell you that, except for the spelling of course, cant wait for more!, but i have to agree with the other guys posts.

Zug
  18:10:39  5 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
Thanks for the feedback

Ill re-write the first two parts till this Evening

For my grammar I apologize... I know it sucks, but speaking english is 100 times easier for me -.- Ill do the Re-Written part in the best possible english.

Trainer
  20:04:10  5 August 2011
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Trainerr
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/03/2011
Messages: 17
The Rough Start

Ok here is the Re-written part, I spellchecked it twice, still Im sure there will be see mistakes... Just keep the critiques coming.


It was a fairly normal day In the Rookie Village. Stalkers doing their normal daily routines. The mood in the village was a little happier than usual, because a new rookie came from the Big lands.
His name was Gregor, but the rest of the stalkers just called him Rookie.
It was now 3 hours that Gregor had been called by Sidorovich and some of the men started to spread rumors about what he is doing there, Wolf Ignored them and started to talk about his adventures to lighten the mood.
After some while Gregor returned form Sidoroviches bunker and proudly carried a Pm Makraov and a spare mag, he sat down at the campfire and started to examine the old worn out pistol.
Some Stalkers started to make fun out of him.
˝Oh, how cute the new guy has a weaon and now he is looking at it like a baby at his mothers tits˝
The Stalkers around him bursted out in laughter, while Gregor just ignored them. The teasing continued until the sun started to set and it was time to talk about the news in the zone.
A quite tall man sat besides Gregor and stared at him, that bothered Gregor and he frowned
˝What, you never saw a cop cleaning his gun before?˝
The Stalker smiled
˝You know, even if you were a Cop before, here we are all the same... Criminals, we came here to find fame and fortune, to get rich or die trying... Or in my case just to outrun the police and I give you an advice Cop, Don't talk around your past here you could get killed because of that˝
Gregor smirked a bit.
˝You know, I had more practice with a pistol than probably most of the men here and I killed before I came to the zone and I tend to kill again to get what I want, and right now I want some quality time with my new pistol˝
The stalker sitting opposite to Gregor smiled
˝Vlad, be careful, I think he is able to kill an army of bloodsuckers with his bare feet ˝
Some stalkers laughed, while Vlad just shook his head.
˝Rookie, you know... The first mistake you just did was to say that this pistol is new, the second that you threatened a stalker in the rookie Village˝
Wolf reloaded his Ak47u and pointed it towards Gregor saying:
˝If you are going to make trouble, then we will force you to run trough the minefield˝
Gregor sightened and continued ˝to play˝ as some stalker stayed with his pistol.
˝Rookie, you better stop playing around, or you might hurt somebody˝
˝Shut up Vlad, let him learn the Hard way˝
Vlad Glared at the Stalker who said that.
˝You know Panda, you still owe me some money so shut up or im going to sell your weapon˝
Panda mumbled something and walked away from the campfire.
˝Look Rookie, I just want to tell you about ... The Weapon Broker˝
Gregor Raised an eyebrow
˝Weapon Broker? Like Sidorovich?˝
Vlad shook his head and some of the Stalkers moved away from the campfire.
˝The weapon broker is the main supplier of the traders... A man that never misses a gun, a man that always finds the body of a dead man... And most importantly a man which can fix you every gun, some say he is a mutant because he has the same habit like the Guide, to get trough any anomaly and some say he doesn't even exist...˝
Gregor smiled
˝You know, you really suck at telling horror story... A man that can fix every weapon is called a mechanic and they are really common outside the zone, and that he can get trough any anomaly... Well I would call that just lucky...˝
He was interrupted by a Click sound behind his head, as he turned around he saw a Man wearing a black leather jacked, His face was hidden behind a black hood, Straight at Gregors face was a Tolkaiev TT aimed. The man spoke with a dry calm voice:
˝I see... You don't believe in story like this one? No well, then you don't need your pistol˝
The man Grabbed holstered his Tolkaiev and quickly grabbed Gregors gun and disassembled it giving him the parts back. Gregors blood boiled.
˝ARE YOU FUCKING MAD ? YOU JUST fucking disassembled my pistol, you are lucky I don't shoot you ˝
Vlad went pale like a ghost while the man just aimed his Tolkaiev against Gregors head.
˝Boom... And you would just be a another victim in this zone... A another wothless body where I can take the belongings of a dead man and sell it again... But Im in a good mood today so I will let you live˝
He holstered the gun and slowly alked towards Sidoroviches Bunker. Gregor stood up and walked inside the nearest house where he desperately started to assemble his pistol again. After some time Vlad came to him and smiled.
˝You don't look like a cop... And you can't even assemble a gun, But you have guts I have to give you that˝
He took the parts and carefully assembled them back into a weapon. Gregor smiled happily
˝Thank you... You are the first here who accualy cares about what I am doing˝
˝You know rookie... No, that's lame, Please tell me your name, and be honest about what you did before you came into the zone˝
Gregor sightened
˝My name is Gregor... And I worked in a office, when my wife died I came here, and I like it until now˝
˝you know.. You are eally lucky that you are still alive... Not many people talked to the Broker and live to tell about him and it is weird that he came to this village like this... He usually doesn't show himself to anybody except the Traders...˝
˝Well anyway IM a bit sleepy so Ill sleep now OK?˝
˝Man Gregor it is the Zone, You can sleep, piss or shit where you want and when you want... But don't talk about it ˝
He laughed while Gregor lied down and closed his eyes. As soon as Gregor fell asleep he walked outside leaving the rookie alone in the house.

The next morning Gregor was shaken awake by the same man that aimed a pistol against his head.
˝Come on stand up, We have to leave ˝
Gregor glared at him
˝And why if I have the liberty to ask you?˝
The Man looked outside the window.
˝Because your friend Vlad ha s put a bounty on your head, and some of the Stalkers want you dead because you stated you were a cop... I wont let that happen, because God gave me a vision that I should save you... And I will do it˝
Gregor shook his head, and stood up.
˝God gave you a vision? Man that sounds like you were smoking three days without a brake and...˝
He was interrupted by a Grenade flying trough the window, The man picked it up and stared at it, Gregor couldn't move he was stiff from shock, Five seconds passed and the Grenade didn't detonate.
˝We have to go NOW!˝
The man threw the grenade outside the window and it detonated, he the grabbed Gregor by his arm and pulled him with him. They Ran outside the Village. Some Stalkers opened fire and missed Gregor by an inch. Wolf rushed outside his house and started to shout at the Stalkers and the gunfire stopped.
They continued running until the man decided they were far enough from the village. Gregor looked at him shocked.
˝Are you fucking crazy? The Garbage could detonate in your hands˝
˝It wouldn't, and if you stay with me you are safe... Or at lest a bit safer. But don't thank me thank god˝ He kissed a small cross in his hands.
˝What do you mean it wouldn't detonate? And you are clearly to religious for my taste.... But thank you ˝

Ok this is the end of the first chapter write critiques and comments.
 
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