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S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 1 (Preview)

Question What did you think about this preview.
Answers
10 - Great Detail Has Been Show, Cannot wait for another preview.
9 - It Was Good I Guess.
8 - Eh, I Have Seen Better.
7 - Well, Its Ok But Not The Best.
6 - I don't like books So IDC.
5 - Crappy.
4 - Lame.
3 - Who Cares.
2 - F*** This.
1 - To Low To Say.
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  19:34:08  19 February 2011
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Derranged
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 04/12/2010
Messages: 1009
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 1 (Preview)

This is just a small preview of the book I am writting about Stalker. I am trying to add as much detail as I possibly can to make it look more like a real book.

Also, if you see any spelling mistakes please take it into consideration that it's 3:30 am where I live.

--------------------------------
After the horrible cold night in the rusty old car Draunov cracked his knuckles and began a new day.
He pulled out his Ak and took out its magazine, He took every round out and cleaned them with his shirt.
After putting the rounds back into the magazine Draunov quickly loaded the gun at the sound of a bush rustling.
He poked the front half of his rifle out of the old cars window aiming at the bush.
Looking down the sight and not looking away for one second just to notice it was just a rat.
Draunov lowered his weapon in a sigh oh relief, He opened up his backpack which laid beside him to pull out a cantine of water.
So thirsty Draunov thought guzzling the whole cantine of water and slipping it back into his backpack.
He kicked open the rusty cars door and pulled his backpack out behind him.
Draunov with his gun at the ready walked down the long narrow road which would lead him deeper into the zone.
--------------------------------

I hope you liked it.
  23:28:12  22 February 2011
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Zezibesh
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/04/2011
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---

Also, if you see any spelling mistakes please take it into consideration that it's 3:30 am where I live.
---END QUOTATION---


This is never a real excuse, you know. If you're doing something late at night, you're supposed to fix it in the morning before posting it.
But I digress.


---QUOTATION---

--------------------------------
After the horrible cold night in the rusty old car Draunov cracked his knuckles and began a new day.
He pulled out his Ak and took out its magazine, He took every round out and cleaned them with his shirt.
After putting the rounds back into the magazine Draunov quickly loaded the gun at the sound of a bush rustling.
He poked the front half of his rifle out of the old cars window aiming at the bush.
Looking down the sight and not looking away for one second just to notice it was just a rat.
Draunov lowered his weapon in a sigh oh relief, He opened up his backpack which laid beside him to pull out a cantine of water.
So thirsty Draunov thought guzzling the whole cantine of water and slipping it back into his backpack.
He kicked open the rusty cars door and pulled his backpack out behind him.
Draunov with his gun at the ready walked down the long narrow road which would lead him deeper into the zone.
--------------------------------

I hope you liked it.
---END QUOTATION---



It wasn't bad, but the way you put attention to detail as you claimed seemed a bit stiff. It's like you're starting. A new sentence. For no good reason. At all.
See what I mean?
Now, I cannot claim I'm an experienced writer myself, but here's how I'd change some parts:

Don't capitalize "he". Remember, the Zone is a proper noun, it requires capitalization. This part bugged me: "So thirsty Draunov thought guzzling the whole cantine of water and slipping it back into his backpack.". It's a good sentence yes, but you can't differentiate where Draunov's thoughts end and where the rest of the sentence begins, this could be easily fixed with some use of quotes.

Also, in a batch of hypocrisy, I rewrote a small section of the story to more my liking. Hope you don't get offended.

"Draunov pulled out his worn Kalashnikov and hit the magazine release with his finger. He proceeded to slowly take out every individual round and started rubbing them with his not-so-clean shirt, polishing them to a bright sheen that made him smile with satisfaction. Maybe this damn gun wouldn't jam today after all.
After he was done loading the magazine Draunov heard a rustle in a nearby bush. He entered the magazine, shouldered the rifle, loaded a round in the chamber and thumbed the safety off in one swift motion."

Something like that. I do not know if you have written stories in the past, but if you're attempting to write an actual book I have to say that you're gonna need experience. It's hard to come up with enough interesting material for a full book.

I hope my post was helpful in some way, I'm not any good at giving criticism (apart from nitpicking and throwing sarcastic comments around).

PS: Don't make so many poll options next time
  00:54:20  23 February 2011
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Derranged
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 04/12/2010
Messages: 1009
Lol thanks, and nice little re-write you did there. I know I am not the most talented writter but I am so busy my brain is kinda tightened up with other things which makes it hard to write a story.

So thanks for the advice and I will put that into motion once I have some more time.
  20:41:03  26 February 2011
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Xseven
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/14/2011
Messages: 42

---QUOTATION---
Lol thanks, and nice little re-write you did there. I know I am not the most talented writter but I am so busy my brain is kinda tightened up with other things which makes it hard to write a story.

So thanks for the advice and I will put that into motion once I have some more time.
---END QUOTATION---



My advice is you have to write it using a word processor and THEN post it on forum. You can save, check, making adjustment and you dont have to worry much. Take some time before posting it on forum. Check and double check afterward have a read proof tested. You wont struggle much that way and surprisingly your story would be more detailed(longer) but more (what is the word?) quality/proper?
 
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