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The story i sent - LOOK AT ME.I'M DEAD.

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  21:42:48  24 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
Messages: 138
The story i sent - LOOK AT ME.I'M DEAD.

LOOK AT ME - I'M DEAD.













REPORT n#120001979 - Soldier Dmitri Kowalski, M.I.A.

Report was sent automatically by his personal VIDEOCAMERA to the Special KORPS security
basecamp outside ''THE ZONE'' when his vital sensors stopped working:

CAMERA FILE 0023 - MISSION ''S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 001'' LOG CREATION 25 may 2010, 15.24 pm
- 23 minutes video record - OPERATIVE KOWALSKI.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A soldiers broke up with this video file in the Officer's Tent, without saying anything more then:

SOLDIER - ''A video record arrived from Kowalski, his vital sensors are dead!!''

OFFICER - '' But what the...DAMNIT!Was he caught from another corporation?
Oh well, gimme that immediately!''.

*puts the record on the computer system, pushes play*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...a disturbed image shows up on screen.As reported previously, is disturbed
as in the interior the electric objects seems to be disturbed by some kind of unexplainable
magnet field.
The image is a confused and dark close up of a mask-covered, difficult to identify, soldier.
The voice of COLONEL D.KOWALSKI can be clearly eard.Seems that this mask-man is in front of
him, has a black cotton mask and a gas mask on half face(a standard equipment common to most
soldiers), an unidentified very dirty of dust and blood military gear, and a a knife in his
hand, as it's possible to see just the point of the knife that shows up in the close up image,
pointing towards Kowalski's direction, that is identified as the first person view the
camera is giving.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OFFICER - ''HE GOT CAUGHT.DAMNIT.''

SOLDIER - *staring at the image* - ''Oh God..Why the soldier is not killing him?
What's happ...Wait he's talkin'...''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kowalski - ''Rain..RAIN, ALWAYS RAIN in this damn place, never stops, and under these rain two face in a cold room of cement,
looking eyes to eyes, with same expression.Seems unreal.
LOOK AT ME, AFTER THAT MEMORY CAME TO MIND, I'M ALREADY DEAD, BRAIN AND HEARTH ARE DEAD.
DON'T POINT THE KNIFE TO A DEAD MAN, IF YOU WANT TO AVOID BAD LUCK!
Ah what the brain in such difficult moments can do....some other thoughts comes to my mind...''

**slow fade to black, but it regains a clear images, as unfortunately it sometimes buzz disturbed**

Kowalski - ''It happened that day, yes, that day.Don't i remember well? 30 MAY 1996.
Heh, YES i'm sure, it was the day Khristov came back with that bag full of rotten paper
he had in his room for days, that sort of book was inside that bag, the exact day i did my last university
exam at the Anthropology Faculty, ''general sociology'', a 3030 success, yes...I'm sure of that.
It was in April. just in time for the summer Thesis session....
And most important that day
  22:24:05  24 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
Messages: 138
Ok i wrote this one in a whole hour in the night of more then a month ago.I was thinking about a scene to write about a screenplay i am working at, but i couldn't get the exact inspiration, otherwise i finished to be inspired from the Stalkers OL site's ambient music, and i ended up making this story.

Actually , it ended up like a ''first draft'' of a screenplay, with the dialogues at a ''progression'' stage and yet to be completed and refined, but hey i leave it like this, i already sent the story a lot of time ago.English it's not my language.

Anyway: here to thank you for all the suggestion i will recieve, and for the little literary club we made here.

Thanks again.
  06:06:51  25 September 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Its a mess from a first glanse. Its a mess. Nothing else. The paragraphing is really terrible! I was heartless te first moment I see that. Hope you didn't post that up for the contest, or else you are going to get lots of AMRAAM tailed on your back/

Now, for the good part. It has a nice plot, driven like what I am reading in my school's literature component drama series. Nice going, mate. Nicelly narated about a special Ops guy, but please, bear in mind Special Ops don't crack down. That's the first thing that make sure when you join the Special Ops in the army.

Now, for the bad part again. You are using lots of expletives. This is from my point of view though. I think you might want to make the conversation more lively, but that isn't a good way, my friend.

I still need some tiem to chew on the whole story. Will post up later as follow up.
  08:38:29  25 September 2003
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Icarus Nine
(Senior)
 
On forum: 09/23/2003
Messages: 64
LOOK AT ME.I'M HAPPY.

Ignore the header of this message.

The structure is unreadable, I frankly skipped through a good 70% of it. I can't tell who's saying what, when you're describing scenery, anything at all. It's all a jumble of text that my eyes cannot bear.
Course, my fatigue doesn't help, but I can still write this post.

And this one is just for amoki: Three soldiers coming back from the Afghanistan war killed themselves and their wives. I'm sure you've heard of it. Two were members of the special forces, and the other reportedly from the Delta force (cream of the crop).
Everyone can break down at some point, there isn't a special kind of person that won't lose it. Resilient, perhaps, but never impervious.
  19:40:53  25 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
Messages: 138

---QUOTATION---
Its a mess from a first glanse. Its a mess. Nothing else. The paragraphing is really terrible! I was heartless te first moment I see that. Hope you didn't post that up for the contest, or else you are going to get lots of AMRAAM tailed on your back
---END QUOTATION---



hehe...i know!

I cut and paste from the notepad, didn't realize the paragraph mess it did, in the post format, actually it's really difficult in this form to separate the dialogues from the scene description....also there are 2 scenes going on in the same plot with different people and locations, it was so difficult to take care of this, as a result, i couldn't make it good.
LOL.

But what about the plot and the situations, i care more about that (of course, is what remains )

emm..thanks
  06:39:38  26 September 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
LOOK AT ME.I'M HAPPY.

Ignore the header of this message.

The structure is unreadable, I frankly skipped through a good 70% of it. I can't tell who's saying what, when you're describing scenery, anything at all. It's all a jumble of text that my eyes cannot bear.
Course, my fatigue doesn't help, but I can still write this post.

And this one is just for amoki: Three soldiers coming back from the Afghanistan war killed themselves and their wives. I'm sure you've heard of it. Two were members of the special forces, and the other reportedly from the Delta force (cream of the crop).
Everyone can break down at some point, there isn't a special kind of person that won't lose it. Resilient, perhaps, but never impervious.
---END QUOTATION---



Thanks mate, I didn't heard or know it. Thanks for the info again.
  07:14:06  26 September 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I like the message you tried to convey- conscience. About a trooper breaking down. Nice touch, my friend.

But there are certain issues that I would like to tackle. Hope you can patient.
1) If someone really had conscience, he would also had his rationalisme in his head. (you said English wasn;t your primary language, so I will keep it understandable.) He can still think, and if he can still think, he will be seeing a counselor of some sort. The Military has that kind of people. ( I am not that sure about this, so feel free to correct me. I will not feel angry.) THe US Army realised a need for counselors after the Korean War, because people who seen war seems to have bad expereince with it i.e Dreams. So you should consider this point. The Special Korps you mentioned, should be rich, but keeping a trooper's welfare is also important for the company- nobody wants to lose its best people.

2) For a guy who don't use English well, you seems to use a lot of expletives. Be sure u understand those words' meaning, because for anybody who take a second to think about the 'adjectives' and the follow-up words, the sentence can be, eh, funny. I am a Malaysian, and English is my third language aside Malay and Chinese. If you are afraid of spelling mistakes, you should have used MS Word for spelling check, just like me. But aside from that, your english is quite OK, I should say.

3) You did a nice touch on portraying the Kowalski guy. No comment about that. Nice background, his characteristics grow with the story.

Your novel also made people think a lot. I hate to say this, but the jumble you have made made people skip the story. What a waste. You should do another post. The moderator wouldn't mind, I guess. My suggestion to you? Repost it here. Redo the paragraphing, and people will enjoy your work, no doubt about it. Keep up the good work, my friend. ( just an expression, don't take it to seriously.) you have potential to be in the top, just like everyone's work, but yours are quite good.

Repair it!
  21:41:23  26 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
Messages: 138

---QUOTATION---
For a guy who don't use English well, you seems to use a lot of expletives. Be sure u understand those words' meaning, because for anybody who take a second to think about the 'adjectives' and the follow-up words, the sentence can be, eh, funny.
---END QUOTATION---



Thank you very much for the comments, really much appreciated...emm, can you make me examples on what i have done? i can't understand what those expletives.Lost my dictionary somewhere in the library, don't know what this word expletives mean
  23:22:22  26 September 2003
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273

---QUOTATION---
For a guy who don't use English well, you seems to use a lot of expletives. Be sure u understand those words' meaning, because for anybody who take a second to think about the 'adjectives' and the follow-up words, the sentence can be, eh, funny.

Thank you very much for the comments, really much appreciated...emm, can you make me examples on what i have done? i can't understand what those expletives.Lost my dictionary somewhere in the library, don't know what this word expletives mean
---END QUOTATION---



Expletives basically means strong or offensive language, 'fuck' being the most common example of this. You do drop quite a few of them in there, although on the other hand it's unlikely people, soldiers in particular, would mince words in a situation like this. It's all down to personal judgement really, but I wouldn't worry too much.

To add to earlier comments, the writing is very well paced and tense, it also sounds 'real', although the fragmented structure does add to it's effectiveness you might want to consider tidying it up a bit if you're considering submission.
  19:57:55  28 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
Messages: 138

---QUOTATION---
For a guy who don't use English well, you seems to use a lot of expletives. Be sure u understand those words' meaning, because for anybody who take a second to think about the 'adjectives' and the follow-up words, the sentence can be, eh, funny.

Thank you very much for the comments, really much appreciated...emm, can you make me examples on what i have done? i can't understand what those expletives.Lost my dictionary somewhere in the library, don't know what this word expletives mean

Expletives basically means strong or offensive language, 'fuck' being the most common example of this. You do drop quite a few of them in there, although on the other hand it's unlikely people, soldiers in particular, would mince words in a situation like this. It's all down to personal judgement really, but I wouldn't worry too much.

To add to earlier comments, the writing is very well paced and tense, it also sounds 'real', although the fragmented structure does add to it's effectiveness you might want to consider tidying it up a bit if you're considering submission.
---END QUOTATION---



Oh now i understand....well, in our Army soldiers use LOT of Expletives, they just talk that way, and the more they are high in grade the more their languages are dirt.I just made it that way...i don't like the hero, but the anti-hero.Kowalski is an idiot, has a controversial way of talking (lot of expletives-suspect literature knowledge and study for a soldier), and can't really figure out a reasonable existence, acting like a teenager sometime.Quite a strange guy.
  08:55:02  29 September 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
[quote]Oh now i understand....well, in our Army soldiers use LOT of Expletives, they just talk that way, and the more they are high in grade the more their languages are dirt.quote]

Hummm.... Interesting. Which country are you from? Poland? Romania? And since your are in the army before... you now are in a University? Oh dear. A 17 year-old poking an adult...
  13:31:03  29 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
 

Message edited by:
Arthur Gordon Pym
09/29/2003 13:37:04
Messages: 138

---QUOTATION---
Hummm.... Interesting. Which country are you from? Poland? Romania? And since your are in the army before... you now are in a University?
---END QUOTATION---



No i am Italian.I was not in the army, but i made 2 times something that we call ''3 days'', where you live as a soldier for 3 days and make also some medical visits, then yuo decide to join army or continue to study - we do this in italy at 17 years old, a little before finishing the high school, cause lot of guys, expecially from poor families, make the one year military service immeditely even before finishing high school.I, instead, continued to study at University, so i am still delaying the military service.

But it's quite common, i know lot of soldiers, and my parents know some officials, and some of my cousins made the Army service, it's normal.Some of the best and creative expletives are from the soldiers in the Army, lol.

Expecially the general i have met in one of those days i did, he could really make the difference in a barrack for the dirty things he used to say,

Don't tell me that in your army soldiers and officials are polite, kind, and well educated! Here is the opposite, hehe


---QUOTATION---
Oh dear. A 17 year-old poking an adult...
---END QUOTATION---



Well , imagine that if i joined the army, the only fact that i finished the high school, would grant me to automatically join the officer's school.This means that in almost an year, i could make a 45 years old sargeant clean my shoes, and yell at him at pleasure.

  13:38:14  29 September 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
Messages: 138
oh and also:

can you give me suggestions on what i need to do for a good paragraphyng in the post form? i can't make it like a scrrenplay form, so i need hints.Thought that ''-----------'' that i used to separate scene were enough..

i have to do some tidying for submission (although i had submitted more then a month ago)
  06:19:13  30 September 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I know you are not going to believe this, but in Malaysia, yes, the soldier are don't quite do so. (our language don't offer much expletives, and those who make a carrier onto a soldier here usually don't know their English well. If they do, they wouldn't be a soldier ) Of course, not that they dont' want to.

Okay, this is going to be tricky. I advice you do it on Word first. Then, move them here by dragging. The paragraphing should be automatically done, I guess.

By the way, you probably wouldnt make it for the next update. Early october, as promised, if on Friday. But make it fast; who knows, it might make it to the good hands of "Koan" and posted!
  15:05:43  29 October 2003
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Arthur Gordon Pym
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/28/2003
 

Message edited by:
Arthur Gordon Pym
10/29/2003 15:06:46
Messages: 138
Still a week since i sent for the THIRD time my story, and still no update of my fanfic.I bet it's useless, maybe for the ''sort-of-screenplay'' form i choosed, or for the expletives, i am sure the story will never be updated, and my re-paragraphing work will be useless.

Also , no reply at all by the admin, that ignored at all me and my question about what i have to do to my story in order to make it updatable.

 
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