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A lil somethin somethin..........The Journal of Ludwig

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  22:55:48  6 December 2003
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chickenballz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 12/06/2003
 

Message edited by:
chickenballz
12/06/2003 23:01:52
Messages: 2
A lil somethin somethin..........The Journal of Ludwig

Heheheh, I joined just for the writing.


*********

The Journal of Ludwig: Milk Run
By Byron Tsang/chickeballz

  02:56:47  7 December 2003
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Icarus Nine
(Senior)
 
On forum: 09/23/2003
Messages: 64
You can make another if you like... *looks at chickenballz hungrily*
One of the few stories where I continued to read because I wanted more. And more. And...

Sad to say, you don't need improvement. Or if you do, I don't care.
Anyways, good job.
  13:21:15  10 December 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
So, I am not the Chinese around in this part of the forum...

Now, not that I want to burst your bubble, but your story did not appealed to me as to Icarus 9. Maybe it is taste, but it is more to the head.

Firstly, your story is another story of survival and killing and blasting around with guns. It does not stand out from the usual lines of 'superdudes', although only one person (the protagonist) died. *yawn*. I have enough of that kind of story, and I guess a lot of people who actually read story and use their head to think would probably too feel this way. Look at the top ten quality story (NOT THE LOUSY STORIES IN THE TOP TEN LIST) like 'The inhumane condition' and 'The difference between you and me.' the striking resemblence between these two are their theme.

Now, to your technical aspect. I am sure you did your research. Either that, or you played SWAT GST . Anyway, how do you explain a HK G36C ended up in The Zone, somewhere in Ukraine? Snatched from the German border guards? smuggled? You gotta be kidding.

Another thing to consider is the elaboration of a bloody scene. Avoid 'gore' 'blood' . Personally, I have enough of that, but I don't know what is other's opinion.

Strategic aspect. You character's strategy does not sound logical to me. Why only go defensive when only about 2 members are already dead,especially when you know you are being stalker by your sworn enemy? (unless they are dead in the first contact with them, which I don't think you mentioned.

Chracter aspect. Personally, I prefer that you don't use first person perspective, because somehow the readers would already knew you would survive, and that already kill some tension (but you can always keep your readers grounded- look at Ian C's story).

You 'brother Kavanagh' strikes me. I am a Christian (no offense, but Catholic is NOT Christian). But then again, poor guy, that Brother. And Oh yes, you did a really good job on creating identities on your character. No doubt about that .

Final comment- Good language. You did a good description on your story, to be frank. It is quite good.

ON doing a sequel? Depends. You can create a sequel to tell what is the Larva, why it is so enigmatic to others. But do get other's opinion for this.

And Oh, welcome to this part of this forum.

  06:30:14  11 December 2003
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Nemorz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/21/2003
Messages: 28
Personally, I thought it was reasonably researched, you have good knowledge of guns and obviously some experience in writing stories.

A diary is pretty brave, I don't think I've seen anyone else do it in that format. I can, however, say that it was long and quite tiring to read.


As amoki said too, it's the same thing (I can't really comment mine is a survival thing too..) but apart from that I think it's really good. Certainly a cut above most of the others.
  18:56:38  11 December 2003
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ruinertained
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/14/2003
Messages: 16

---QUOTATION---
I am a Christian (no offense, but Catholic is NOT Christian).
---END QUOTATION---



Ooh, religion debate! *gets out boxing gloves*
  22:40:24  12 December 2003
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chickenballz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 12/06/2003
Messages: 2
No amoki, u are not the only azn. In fact, I am a chank. Yes. A chank.

Anywho, back on the comments.

Word, I felt that the whole 'last man standing' theme was rather overused. Still, I couldn't really see any other ending to it, mainly due to the fact I didn't want Uzziel dead. I'm rather fond of the motherfucker. But honestly, I didn't want to be too focused on what was actually happening. Afterall, my forte, or so I feel, is creating character and dialogue. Action? I can do that, but I'd usually prefer not to.

On weapons: I think it's quite possible that foreign guns be brought in. Sure, that might not be in the game, but I really don't care for such details. If German guns can be brought into Canada (which is likely) without anyone knowing, I'm sure they can be brought into the Zone as well.

On strategy: I hope people noticed that my characters were rather crazy. Or sane. Depends on the perspective.

The first-person style of writing? I find it so much easier to express inner thoughts that way. It feels more personal, u kno?

Brother? That's jus a nickname from Uzziel.

Anyways, I kinda feel like continuing Uzziel's story...well, kinda differently, but whatever. If I do, it will be later. I'm busy. I'm lazy. School's a bitch.

So yeah, thanks for the comments and whatnot. And does anyone know how to change the font? No? Yes? Oh well. I might put up something later. But that's later.
  06:43:54  13 December 2003
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Icarus Nine
(Senior)
 
On forum: 09/23/2003
Messages: 64

---QUOTATION---
On strategy: I hope people noticed that my characters were rather crazy. Or sane. Depends on the perspective.
---END QUOTATION---


Admittedly, that's the main reason I liked it.

I have read that:
A story, even one with a ludicrous plot, will survive quite well if only it has good style. Admittedly it may not become a great, renowned, or legendary. But it will be good, for long enough at least.

And I must say, you have quite a good style
  12:26:26  13 December 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Yes, Icarus 9, I agree with you. Mr Tsang, your writing skill is good, I must say that.
 
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