ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
My first story... EVER (so go easy :P)

1 2
Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  01:04:39  30 November 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Nemorz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/21/2003
 

Message edited by:
Nemorz
11/30/2003 1:08:43
Messages: 28
My first story... EVER (so go easy )

Untitled as of yet, suggestions welcome..

Part 1: "Insertion"

His worst fear had become a reality. A clever controller and his inept
ability of mind control.

Stories of controllers consuming peoples minds, even each others on occasion,
were all too common. They say, however, coming across one is a rarity, even
in a hell-hole like "The Zone".

It all started on a scavenger mission, the "Crimson Hand", 2nd Platoon were
ordered to secure the area and take any usefull equipment from a former
military outpost.

One of their Scout's, Private Erik "Eagle Eye" Yavorsky, had spotted the
outpost earlier that morning, but something was "out of place" as Erik
himself put it. The question haunting everyones minds was "Why leave a
perfectly fine outpost?". They would have the unfortunate luck in finding
out first-hand.

As they inserted via helicopter, the outpost had a purple mist on
the ground. The instant they stepped off you could have heard a pin drop,
eery silence allowed them to hear their very hearts beat ferociously.
Instantly, the squad took the safety off their rifles and proceeded through
the gate with extreme caution. Luitenant, Peretz Zohar ordered Ensigns, Babicka and
Nalepa in first. Their flashlights switched on, they proceeded into the compound.
A distant sound of barking dogs could be heard, but they didn't pay
too much attention to it as it sounded quite a while away, however it did
shake them up a little.

All of a sudden they could hear a metallic noise on the ground, as if a tin was pushed,
everyones' ironsights fixed on this location. Sweat dripping down their faces, glowing
in the purple mist and the bright moonlight, they were afraid of what the
night could concuct. One rat came out of a small pot-hole in the road,
cocky Ensign, Babicka began laughing, pulled out his firearm and shot it square
in the chest. The rest of the squad joined him, in a
situation such as this, one has to make the best of things.
Seconds later they heard a loud sound of scratching and squeaking, laughter
soon turned to silence. From the hill to their left they could see the ground
moving, at night this is how it looked. Knowing that the time had come, everyone
quickly turned their rifles towards the mass of rats spouting from the
dark hills and opened fire.

The formerly green coloured grass had soon become red with blood after a few short minutes
of gun-fire. Their minds at rest, they emptied the chambers and discarded
the spent clips, replacing them quickly with a full one.
The rest of the rats and wolf-rats quickly turned and retreated, looking down
around them they could see a river of crimson red, and Ensign, Nalepa
laying almost lifeless on the gravel road. No-one heard him scream, or fall
to the floor, but there he was..

Realizing the smell of his open wounds would attract unwanted attention, they
quickly picked him up and proceeded on to the main facility. Once inside, they
propped him up against the wall and assessed his wounds. It seemed he had
only been victim to small rat bites to his ankles and shins, on his way
down he hit his head off a rock and knocked himself unconscious.

A few minutes past and Nalepa opened his eyes slowly, and began mumbling,
but people often talked alot of nonsense when semi-conscious, so the squad
ignored him and continued treating his wounds.

Realizing they could be stranded there until evac, 2nd Luitenant, Danylo Samek
began sifting through the computer systems to lock down the facility and use the
stationary camera access. He soon found the lock-down codes and closed all doors
and access to the facility, but the cameras were inoperable.

Danylo Samek: "I've got the lock-down access codes sir, but the cameras are out of operation"
Luitenant, Peretz Zohar: "Ok, get the doors locked down and see to his wounds. Yavorsky, on me."

Lt. Zohar and Ensign, Yavorsky began searching the rooms for potential threats. The dust from
the carpets swept into their faces with each step. As they came to the 4th room down the hall,
the door appeared jammed or locked from within. "I can pick the lock." boasted Yavorsky.
"Get it open then soldier." replied the Luitenant. "Yes sir".

The Luitenant put his back to the hallway wall and ordered Yavorsky to boot it open on his command.
This was a procedure both of them had done back in their anti-terrorist training years earlier.
"3... 2... 1... GO GO GO!" screamed the Luitenant. BLAM. The door swung open to reveal a terrified
Soldier who opened fire on them as they entered. "STAY AWAY! YOULL NEVER TAKE MY MIND!". Both
Yavorsky and Zohar sought cover behind the concrete walls until he had used his whole clip on
the opposite wall. They quickly moved in and disarmed the frightened man, stood him up and
began asking some questions.

Luitenant, Zohar: "What happened here?"

Soldier: "C-c-c-controller"

Ensign, Yavorsky: "Where is it now?"

Soldier: "D-don't know. Are you here to rescue me and my outfit?"

Luitenant, Zohar: "No. Wheres the rest of our outfit? I haven't seen any bodies."

Soldier: "Most started turning on us. T-the c-controller made them shoot us. It was
horrible. I ran, didn't s-see what happened after that."

Ensign, Yavorsky: "Sir, shouldn't we keep searching? This thing might still be in here."

Luitenant, Zohar: "Ok, let's get back to the others and report in. If there is one we'll
need all the firepower we have. And see if Nalepa is able to fight. We can't drag his ass everywhere."

Ensign, Yavorsky: "Yes sir."

When they got back to the control room where Nalep and Babicka were, Nalep was back on his feet, barely.

2nd Luitenant, Damylo Samek: "Ok, get your shit together, lock n' load. We got us a controller.
Before you freak remember, it can only take over the weak-minded. Be strong and remember who the enemy is!"

The squad replied: "Sir, Yes, Sir!"

2nd Luitenant, Damylo Samek: "One last thing.. If your teammate pulls a gun on you, kill him. We only
have one chance at this and I don't wanna lose ya out there"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want honest feedback and suggestions if you have them for the stories title. I realize I'm not a great story-teller which is why i need FEEDBACK.
  11:32:21  30 November 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
11/30/2003 11:35:23
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
My first story... EVER (so go easy )

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want honest feedback and suggestions if you have them for the stories title. I realize I'm not a great story-teller which is why i need FEEDBACK.
---END QUOTATION---



Good, honest to god fellow

Obviously, I think I have to metion this again and again- do your research! In the story, in the gameplay, in the video. Because you didn't do your research, your story lacked the 'feel'. Rats, according to GSC (check GSC-game.com) are afraid of fire. After 30 seconds, if they didn't take the target down, they will regroup and attack. So my suggestion to you, if the team did find rats, thet better start running.

Then we have the logic problem. Areyou ex-military? Probably not. I am also not though but let me tell you something- shootting hundred of rats even with laser pointers is a huge challenge for a 8-men special force team ( I assume 8), not to mention they are using the AK rifles, which had one hell of a recoil. To get the feel of aiming, try Rainbow Six- Rogue Spear. It is a very old game, I know, and the graphics ain't great, but the crosshair system really rocks, and the aiming is quite realistic, not to mention the array of guns.

Also, you mentioned that your character are quite afraid during their insertion into the Zone, but you too mention that they are CTs. This is ironic. There is a HUGE difference between CTs mission and Zone missoin, at least from my watch. CT missions, is a situation that the operative knows civilian lives depended on them. Zone missions, is that their life between on theirselves. Now, which is more scary and carry more tension? To say that Spec Ops people are trained to be confident of theirself and not afraid in time of crisis.

Well, that's it, at least for now. I am not to good with your language analyst, so I'll leave it to guys like Ian C, midnight Rambler or Goodspeed.

And don't worry- your story is still ok compared to a lot of entries in the contest. I've seen worse story
  18:38:22  30 November 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Nemorz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/21/2003
Messages: 28
Thanks, I need honest feedback. I'll probably do more research as you suggested and perfect it

But thanks again, feedback is the only way I can improve.
  14:26:02  1 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
uh oh, more comments coming in

1) I forgot to mention this. Guys in the SpecOps seldom use Scouts- they always operate silently and would be always prepared for enemy. Scout are use in major battles i.e none SpecOps to report on enemy movement. Even if they use scout, it is in situation whereby the site isn't 'known', which means unknown territory. Now, even if they use scouts, scouts carry light weaponary for silent infil and exfil, which mean they would be using Bizon SD and AKSU-74 SD or AS VAL or Vss Vintorez (what?what do you mean, you don't know thsese weapons ) for the CIS territories, and for the Western countres like USA or GB there will go for something like MP5SD series, M4A1SD or AW "covert' silent sniper (if not mistaken, sileced version of the AWP. I assume you play CS)

2) How come I did not see any of your men using radio or earpiece?

3)Platoon, is a very very scarry term in military. It means a lot of soldier. How come only a few cannon fodders in the story? You probably mean squad.

4) The term for Ukrainian Special Forces can be Spetnatz or Berkut.

5)You squad probably have too much L-tee around. ordinaryly, a squad consist of a Commision officer (Lt. and above.) and secong in command is probably a Sgt.

6) your guys are little too chatty, don't you think? There is a controller around to hunt them, and there are all too happy to give away their postition.

I am done, perhaps for now or perhaps for good. I am probably done with the technical issues. The language issue? I'll probably leave it to the language experts around here. Where are they?
  18:10:13  1 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Nemorz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/21/2003
Messages: 28
I doubt theres anything wrong with my language.. Research is my only downfall
  19:13:15  1 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
ruinertained
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/14/2003
Messages: 16
Hey Amos, since when are SpecOps not used to gather intelligence? hehe
  21:28:02  1 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Zig
Ye Oulde Zigge
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 11/21/2003
Messages: 315
good so far, bud.

just get busy makin the fixes the guy said above :]
  04:29:56  2 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Hey Amos, since when are SpecOps not used to gather intelligence? hehe
---END QUOTATION---


Did I mention that? If I did, sorry though. SpecOps are also used to gather intelligence and lots of other stuff like fighting the drug war in south Columbia
  15:49:52  2 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
 

Message edited by:
Ian_C
12/02/2003 15:50:44
Messages: 273
Nice touches for a first piece which set you on the right path; the barking of dogs in the background for example ( it's all too easy to neglect your background, something you were obviously aware of, so well spotted ).

It's all a bit.....formulaic ( by that I mean 'squad lost contact with, other squad comes in, underestimates the odds, finds lone survivor, etc', pretty familiar stuff ), although as you're just starting out this is to be expected. None of the characters are very well defined, although I appreciate how it can be difficult to find time for characterisation in an action piece.

I wouldn't worry too much about the weapons ( I think Amoki has spent too long around zx8086 ), although getting a factual detail wrong can really grate with the gun-nuts, it's pretty easy to find all the info you need with Google really.

Some small touches that you might want to consider; the scene where a soldier shoots a rat in the chest, I just had a mental picture of the rat getting shot and keeling over, whereas if you did shoot a rat with a pistol it would prob flip through the air or at least roll a short distance ( depending on the power of the pistol ), also when you speak of 'inept ability of mind-control' that should prob read 'adept', as adept means extremely skilled at something whereas inept is just the opposite.

It's a good start, just keep refining, trying new ideas, reading the work of others and seeing how they make things work ( very important ), and you'll see the quality of your work just get better and better. In fact, have a look at the thread Goodspeed started in this forum on advice for those thinking of submitting, it's full of useful tips.
  16:06:11  2 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Nice touches for a first piece which set you on the right path; the barking of dogs in the background for example ( it's all too easy to neglect your background, something you were obviously aware of, so well spotted ).

It's all a bit.....formulaic ( by that I mean 'squad lost contact with, other squad comes in, underestimates the odds, finds lone survivor, etc', pretty familiar stuff ), although as you're just starting out this is to be expected. None of the characters are very well defined, although I appreciate how it can be difficult to find time for characterisation in an action piece.

I wouldn't worry too much about the weapons ( I think Amoki has spent too long around zx8086 ), although getting a factual detail wrong can really grate with the gun-nuts, it's pretty easy to find all the info you need with Google really.

Some small touches that you might want to consider; the scene where a soldier shoots a rat in the chest, I just had a mental picture of the rat getting shot and keeling over, whereas if you did shoot a rat with a pistol it would prob flip through the air or at least roll a short distance ( depending on the power of the pistol ), also when you speak of 'inept ability of mind-control' that should prob read 'adept', as adept means extremely skilled at something whereas inept is just the opposite.

It's a good start, just keep refining, trying new ideas, reading the work of others and seeing how they make things work ( very important ), and you'll see the quality of your work just get better and better. In fact, have a look at the thread Goodspeed started in this forum on advice for those thinking of submitting, it's full of useful tips.
---END QUOTATION---



Why, Mr Ian Clements, Why? (qutoed from the Matrix revolution )

PErhaps, but it was just part of the techncal issue that I would have liked to tackle. I am not a gun nut, but then, Nemor, you seldom mention your use of guns. Which could be realy bad in a competition which is based on a FPS. Just my take on things though.

Most importantly, don;t give up!
  16:11:37  2 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I read it for the second time before I realise that this story is based on a salavging clan. I must had been confused by the military bearings.

Anyway, the second time I read it, it reminded me of X-com.
  20:04:27  2 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
Not to worry Amoki, I was just kidding with you, although I must admit I was pretty surprised when I saw that your 'need help with weapon issues' thread has reached about nine pages.

I've done a fair ammount of weapon research myself, and come away with a great deal more respect for the Russians as engineers than I had before, I knew they were talented and held in high regard but some of the weapons they created were quite remarkable ( not that I'm overly keen on firearms per se, but even people like myself have to be impressed that an assault rifle as old as the AK-47 is still held out as the ideal, and has rarely been bettered ).

BTW, my re-writing of Part 3 is going well, it's totally different to the one you read as I've decided that Parts 3 and 4 are going to be told from Lukin's point of view ( something which has tested my writing skill, but that's never a bad thing ).
  06:12:17  3 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
ruinertained
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/14/2003
Messages: 16

---QUOTATION---
Not to worry Amoki, I was just kidding with you, although I must admit I was pretty surprised when I saw that your 'need help with weapon issues' thread has reached about nine pages.
---END QUOTATION---



You're kidding. lol I'll have to check that out.
  14:26:14  3 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Not to worry Amoki, I was just kidding with you, although I must admit I was pretty surprised when I saw that your 'need help with weapon issues' thread has reached about nine pages.

I've done a fair ammount of weapon research myself, and come away with a great deal more respect for the Russians as engineers than I had before, I knew they were talented and held in high regard but some of the weapons they created were quite remarkable ( not that I'm overly keen on firearms per se, but even people like myself have to be impressed that an assault rifle as old as the AK-47 is still held out as the ideal, and has rarely been bettered ).

BTW, my re-writing of Part 3 is going well, it's totally different to the one you read as I've decided that Parts 3 and 4 are going to be told from Lukin's point of view ( something which has tested my writing skill, but that's never a bad thing ).
---END QUOTATION---



You do that.

I have to put up such long post because I had a lot of things to ask, I am doing a new story, and it had nothing to do with the usual lametns on the cause of The Zone, stalker dying here and there etc., you know the things. I had even post up the story here in the forum, it was somewhere in the Lt.Con. Hopefully it is good enough to win me the game
  17:25:39  3 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Nemorz
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/21/2003
Messages: 28
Thats what this contest is about?

I had no idea..
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2019 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.