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Prey of One, Predator of another Part 1

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  04:28:27  13 November 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Prey of One, Predator of another Part 1

hi eveyone

determined not to be outdoned, I think I want to let everyone judge my story first, see what's the outcome. I have learnt a lot from my previous entry + looking at the comment from the others. So after the first 3 experiments, I decided to get to business

My story is probably a six-parter, designed to be short so that I could get the reader's attention for a shorter period of time. I don't know about the rest, but hope they are good

Here goes:

Prey of one, Predator of another
Part I: Genesis

Drip. Drip. Drip.
Daniel Gillian opened his eyes to the annoying sound from the tap. The tap was leaking again, as usual. He was in his bed, in his room, in the Camp. Not that he did not bother to fix it- there were no material to do it.
He awaked to see the wooden ceiling above him. ?Thank God I?m alive.? He muttered. Many stalkers never woke up in their sleep. Radiation, the silent enemy, kills silently. That is the Universal Truth a stalker must know.
He stared at the table in front of him across the table. Aside from two metallic suitcases and a loaf of bread, the table was bare. One contained the parts for his FN2000, the other the accessories. The loaf of bread was to be his breakfast- no jam, no butter, no tuna. Nothing to go with. Daniel sighed. Just another lousy day in the Zone.
The sturdy young man dragged himself to the bathroom and stared at the mirror. So far, no rash. The radiation had not got him- yet. He looked as his Casio. It was almost 12.00 o?clock noon now. He had taken too much time assembling the FN2000 last night.
After he washed himself clean with the typical yellow Ukrainian imitation soap, he began to dress for ?work?. He donned on his Spectra Shield armor and his NBC Class V suit. He had to use the best equipment- he did not want to be sterile or die young.
While he put on the final layer of NBC suit, he saw the FN2000 on his table and paused. He acquired the piece of equipment last night from the fat, old and mean fellow everyone knew as The Dealer. For his AKM and most of what he had, he got the 10,000-ruble advance piece of armament. It was worth the price. It must be.
But now, he only had a single 100-ruble note. He must find work today to put food on the table, literally. The money would not last him two days in The Camp. He stared at the loaf of bread. That was his last loaf.
His eyes swept across the bare room again. At the side of the bed was his Bible, the one his loving mother gave him before he left Heathrow airport, now covered with dust. In The Zone, the religious ethics had no use. One had to cheat, kill or steal. The Brit was a Methodist, but it was a long time since he touched it. But he still believed that God is in control- that?s why he was still alive.
Daniel took his backpack hanging at the corner and put the assembled FN2000 with its accessories in. His ammunition was already in, along with some tin food.
Daniel took a last look at his room and sucked in the warm and humid air. He was going to miss the warmth, the coziness of his bed, and the shelter- he was going into The Zone. Then, as if it was a ceremony, he slammed the door shut, locked it, and walked down the stairs slowly.
When Daniel finally stepped onto the solid ground, he looked around and breathed in the cold air of autumn. The Dealer?s attic was crowded with stalker?s trying to get a deal, as usual; the queue was so long that the staircase was overcrowded. The Bar was too blooming, not to mention The Strip Bar not far away.
The Strip Bar. It was a place filled with filth, where the lust of men came out. Daniel went in once- by accident. A fellow stalker played a joke on him when he was still innocent, still na
  05:18:29  18 December 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
hello everyone. I need feedback on this story, about every nook and cranny that I can think of. Because during the holiday, my batch of 'white-mice' had departed for good (I had graduated), I no longer had feedback from my friends. And Goodspeed, understandibly, had lots of work to do at Lufthansa. So, I am asking for opinion around. Because of the desperate schedule I had, I need the comments fast, before christmas.

So, pleaseeeeee, help me out on this one.
  16:46:55  18 December 2003
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273

---QUOTATION---
hello everyone. I need feedback on this story, about every nook and cranny that I can think of. Because during the holiday, my batch of 'white-mice' had departed for good (I had graduated), I no longer had feedback from my friends. And Goodspeed, understandibly, had lots of work to do at Lufthansa. So, I am asking for opinion around. Because of the desperate schedule I had, I need the comments fast, before christmas.

So, pleaseeeeee, help me out on this one.
---END QUOTATION---



I'll look it over tonight, I appreciate how agonizing it can be when you post something up then sit there drumming your fingers.
  23:30:04  21 December 2003
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
Okay, here we go, it's somewhat lengthy so prepare yourself.


Drip. Drip. Drip. ( I always find it more effective to put sound effects in Italics, as it sort of sets them apart from the main prose and gives them more emphasis. That
  03:52:28  23 December 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I was very happy to see you have turn my work into yours... Now this is top ten

but enough of emoticons. I was very interested in your occupation, since you have what it takes to be an English Teacher or a novelist. And so, I end up in yahoo, typing your name, and smiled as the screen came up... only to have that smile gone in a few minutes time.

Apparenly, your 47 years old with a daughter, an avid swimmer, and an Englishmen. But aside from that, there's nothing about your job, so I just have to assume you are a English teacher.
  10:51:17  23 December 2003
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273

---QUOTATION---


Apparenly, your 47 years old with a daughter, an avid swimmer, and an Englishmen. But aside from that, there's nothing about your job, so I just have to assume you are a English teacher.
---END QUOTATION---



I'm afraid I must pour cold water on these conclusions!

Actually, I'm 25, not married, don't swim, although I am an englishman.

I'm very flattered you think I'm a novelist or english teacher, my ultimate aim is to actually write novels for a living but I've got a fair way to go yet - currently shopping around with the synopsis for my book. As for education, I never did that well in it, my preferred subject was always english and although I managed to salvage a degree in it I always preferred to read other books rather than the ones we were set on the course ( some of those 'classic' works are so dry and boring ).

Glad I could help, you have a real enthusiasm for writing ( the ammount of work you've come up with since this competition started is amazing ) and that can go a long way. I'm relieved you didn't take any of the alterations personally ( I know what it can feel like when someone goes through your writing and picks it apart, which is why I had those paragraphs explaining my changes ), learning the right grammar and rules of language is something every writer goes through, none of us really enjoy it ( we just want to write damnit! ), but, like writer's block and first drafts - it's all part of the process.
  07:00:34  24 December 2003
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Apparenly, your 47 years old with a daughter, an avid swimmer, and an Englishmen. But aside from that, there's nothing about your job, so I just have to assume you are a English teacher.

I'm afraid I must pour cold water on these conclusions!

Actually, I'm 25, not married, don't swim, although I am an englishman.

I'm very flattered you think I'm a novelist or english teacher, my ultimate aim is to actually write novels for a living but I've got a fair way to go yet - currently shopping around with the synopsis for my book. As for education, I never did that well in it, my preferred subject was always english and although I managed to salvage a degree in it I always preferred to read other books rather than the ones we were set on the course ( some of those 'classic' works are so dry and boring ).

Glad I could help, you have a real enthusiasm for writing ( the ammount of work you've come up with since this competition started is amazing ) and that can go a long way. I'm relieved you didn't take any of the alterations personally ( I know what it can feel like when someone goes through your writing and picks it apart, which is why I had those paragraphs explaining my changes ), learning the right grammar and rules of language is something every writer goes through, none of us really enjoy it ( we just want to write damnit! ), but, like writer's block and first drafts - it's all part of the process.
---END QUOTATION---



Hahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaa

GuessI got a little mad. Well, (sigh), seems like THe Internet isn't that opened! There must be another Ian Clements of England. Maybe you should look for him- he even had a daughter! hahahhaa

Frankly, I too was amazed by myself. My Enlgish teacher told me I have a gift for writing. not to be too proud of myself, but among the 40 17 years old, my essays are among the best. But the teacher said my works only touch the surface of issues, and after I found out about this contest, I was very enthuasitic about it. Even now, I am.

The first three work, 'My stalker memoir' , was a total disaster. If you recalled how we met, during the july-october rift last year, my work was posted right before the rift. the vote results really drive me crazy, so I worked hard in typing. But after they got Atem, the votes of my work showed (after those works are posted), and I was disappointed. I almost stop joining the competition because those readers don't vote for effort. They only go for little things like spelling mistake, grammar, or the length. Those little details really drove me mad.

Until I met Goodspeed.

Goodspeed beared a lot reading from my (childsih) works, and gave me lots of comments after only reading 10 pages of my work. Then I start improving. Next, I start looking and started studying all the stories in The Contest. Found out that most stories are divided under three categories: - cause of the incident, mindless killing, or trying to descript an event under the Zone. So I had an idea- putting the corrupt essence of the CIS government official into my work. And you know what's the best? I know how to put tension. That's why, Ian C, you probably don't know what is going on until the very last part. The first episode only threw in a vague projection of what is really going on in my story.

I start working. So far, I already have 4 out of 6 episode readied, but the reediting process is far from over.

then, interesting folks like Midnight Rambler and you (Ian C) start showed up. Your works also started to be the subjects I studied. Although my work isn't a resemblance to my of this works, I am learning. Your edidting really relieved me a lot. In fact, I am putting in most of the correction.

And oh, I am only 17. A typical science student, that's why my work are quite boring in description, but most of the time my technical data is accurate because I am good in memorizing.
  02:04:15  26 December 2003
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124

---QUOTATION---
Apparenly, your 47 years old with a daughter, an avid swimmer, and an Englishmen. But aside from that, there's nothing about your job, so I just have to assume you are a English teacher.

I'm afraid I must pour cold water on these conclusions!

Actually, I'm 25, not married, don't swim, although I am an englishman.

I'm very flattered you think I'm a novelist or english teacher, my ultimate aim is to actually write novels for a living but I've got a fair way to go yet - currently shopping around with the synopsis for my book. As for education, I never did that well in it, my preferred subject was always english and although I managed to salvage a degree in it I always preferred to read other books rather than the ones we were set on the course ( some of those 'classic' works are so dry and boring ).

Glad I could help, you have a real enthusiasm for writing ( the ammount of work you've come up with since this competition started is amazing ) and that can go a long way. I'm relieved you didn't take any of the alterations personally ( I know what it can feel like when someone goes through your writing and picks it apart, which is why I had those paragraphs explaining my changes ), learning the right grammar and rules of language is something every writer goes through, none of us really enjoy it ( we just want to write damnit! ), but, like writer's block and first drafts - it's all part of the process.

Hahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaa

GuessI got a little mad. Well, (sigh), seems like THe Internet isn't that opened! There must be another Ian Clements of England. Maybe you should look for him- he even had a daughter! hahahhaa

Frankly, I too was amazed by myself. My Enlgish teacher told me I have a gift for writing. not to be too proud of myself, but among the 40 17 years old, my essays are among the best. But the teacher said my works only touch the surface of issues, and after I found out about this contest, I was very enthuasitic about it. Even now, I am.

The first three work, 'My stalker memoir' , was a total disaster. If you recalled how we met, during the july-october rift last year, my work was posted right before the rift. the vote results really drive me crazy, so I worked hard in typing. But after they got Atem, the votes of my work showed (after those works are posted), and I was disappointed. I almost stop joining the competition because those readers don't vote for effort. They only go for little things like spelling mistake, grammar, or the length. Those little details really drove me mad.

Until I met Goodspeed.

Goodspeed beared a lot reading from my (childsih) works, and gave me lots of comments after only reading 10 pages of my work. Then I start improving. Next, I start looking and started studying all the stories in The Contest. Found out that most stories are divided under three categories: - cause of the incident, mindless killing, or trying to descript an event under the Zone. So I had an idea- putting the corrupt essence of the CIS government official into my work. And you know what's the best? I know how to put tension. That's why, Ian C, you probably don't know what is going on until the very last part. The first episode only threw in a vague projection of what is really going on in my story.

I start working. So far, I already have 4 out of 6 episode readied, but the reediting process is far from over.

then, interesting folks like Midnight Rambler and you (Ian C) start showed up. Your works also started to be the subjects I studied. Although my work isn't a resemblance to my of this works, I am learning. Your edidting really relieved me a lot. In fact, I am putting in most of the correction.

And oh, I am only 17. A typical science student, that's why my work are quite boring in description, but most of the time my technical data is accurate because I am good in memorizing.
---END QUOTATION---



LOL Amoki, I am in the same league as you are.. I am 16. Writing has been my passion since 2nd grade. I recently got involved into STALKER and I heard about this neat writing contest.. The setting and mood really intrigued me and this is how I got into the contest.

Very entertaining piece of literature by the way.. I am not done with it.. because it is Christmas holidays, I read the beginning and I want to read more as soon as I have time.
  15:28:53  26 December 2003
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
LOL Amoki, I am in the same league as you are.. I am 16. Writing has been my passion since 2nd grade. I recently got involved into STALKER and I heard about this neat writing contest.. The setting and mood really intrigued me and this is how I got into the contest.

Very entertaining piece of literature by the way.. I am not done with it.. because it is Christmas holidays, I read the beginning and I want to read more as soon as I have time.
---END QUOTATION---



Yeah, you are a Chinese right? Because I am one from SEA. You don't see much writings from South East Asia thoug, because the teens here prefer to play games then writing. I am a little bit of both though.

by The Way, to everyone, it is possible to extend the submission date, provided that you contact Atem for help. I did, and he let me do so... I can submit before 10/1/2004.
GSC ain't that bad after all
  21:34:32  26 December 2003
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
 

Message edited by:
Chansd5
12/26/2003 21:35:08
Messages: 124

---QUOTATION---
LOL Amoki, I am in the same league as you are.. I am 16. Writing has been my passion since 2nd grade. I recently got involved into STALKER and I heard about this neat writing contest.. The setting and mood really intrigued me and this is how I got into the contest.

Very entertaining piece of literature by the way.. I am not done with it.. because it is Christmas holidays, I read the beginning and I want to read more as soon as I have time.

Yeah, you are a Chinese right? Because I am one from SEA. You don't see much writings from South East Asia thoug, because the teens here prefer to play games then writing. I am a little bit of both though.

by The Way, to everyone, it is possible to extend the submission date, provided that you contact Atem for help. I did, and he let me do so... I can submit before 10/1/2004.
GSC ain't that bad after all
---END QUOTATION---



Wow are you sure? Thats nearly a year from now!
 
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