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Rewright Wat a way to go............. by Wilmer Donkor self

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Question do you like it?
Answers
want to make love to it;)
Love it:D
liked it:)
was ok(Y)
............................................. :-/
disliked it:|
it sucked :E
it was total bullshit (N)
burn this crap and execute the writer:M
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  21:10:40  20 February 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
Messages: 20
...............


never mind this



---QUOTATION---
The discussion Continu's...................................................................

and further more read both our story's (i am reffering to this comment:

no... I've change the victim to Tar instead of Barkoff- because Barkoff is the veteran ones. He should be the one who take cover first, not shooting out. This is really what I called realistic. Like I said again, Tar was cool under fire, but he WAS not taking cover. This is one of the place where I change the plot just to show realistic.


YOU are the one who lets Barkoff get hit with an rpg an I let Tar get hit READ BOTH STORY'S AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND (you dont have to explain what is your fault because you obviously didn't double check your story.)

---END QUOTATION---



this forum is getting way confusing because of all our different posts
but the drug addict thing is still a cliche
  03:51:43  21 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
The discussion Continu's...................................................................

You said that he was doing fine untill hr found the coffeeshop, refering that he has gotten a drug addiction, but sinds the coffeeshop only sells weed (and thats all they sell sinds there is a strong servalence on them) which us not an addictive drug (maybe mentally when you have VERY WEAK will) still its way to cheap to have to steal money and not woth the risk of burglary.

And its still a cliche to make a dutch man a drugaddict.

and further more read both our story's (i am reffering to this comment:

no... I've change the victim to Tar instead of Barkoff- because Barkoff is the veteran ones. He should be the one who take cover first, not shooting out. This is really what I called realistic. Like I said again, Tar was cool under fire, but he WAS not taking cover. This is one of the place where I change the plot just to show realistic.


YOU are the one who lets Barkoff get hit with an rpg an I let Tar get hit READ BOTH STORY'S AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND (you dont have to explain what is your fault because you obviously didn't double check your story.)
---END QUOTATION---



you got that part right, sport. I didn't double-read the story.

Obviously, the information I had on the 'coffeshop' issue had long expired, so thanks for informing in.

The point I am trying to prove is that while writing, you have to give your character a background- does a rich guy with a stable job goes into the Zone just for fun?- which in this case I put in a former drug addict. The 'coffeeshop' is just a 'medium' which happened to be in Holland, so I took full advantage of it. Perhaps my information is wrong, but this only a rough example of how a quality story could go. Focus on the main issue instead of the little ones. Also, this happens to prove that you must do your reseach before writing, because I am getting bomb for that right now

And by the way, I don't know anything about smoking pot, because I had never take a single 'fun' drug in my life. The worst I took is anabolic steroid, which is to prevent asthma. In this case, again, you know more.
  14:47:08  21 February 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
Messages: 20
Real??

Have you read my rewright yet? i followed your advice and gave the charecter a background:


---QUOTATION---
My brother told me to stay home and wait for him to find a big catch. But I got inpatient and wanted to go. Geus wat, that was the wrong choice. My brother said he wouldn
  21:02:53  21 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
02/21/2004 21:07:40
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Real??

Have you read my rewright yet? i followed your advice and gave the charecter a background:

My brother told me to stay home and wait for him to find a big catch. But I got inpatient and wanted to go. Geus wat, that was the wrong choice. My brother said he wouldn
  05:10:20  22 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I scrolled through the stories inside the website and happened to come out with some stories with your comment on it which, on my opinion, is not that compatible with the real quality those stories really are except for a few exception. I urge you to read "The difference between you and me Part 1,2 and 3' (4 isn't ready now) and 'the inhuman condition.' Those are the stories which I expect to be on the top ten AND really worth the title of the being a top ten. (No, you won't find them at the top ten listing at the contest.) Those story are around the forum somewhere. I think you will like them.
  12:07:54  23 February 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
Messages: 20
you miss the point

if radiation can effect the brain enough to give mental control over objects it might just be able to bring insanity out (espesialy in the zone) and if you read the story you will see (if you have a brain to think with ) that his parents died in the blast (the dream) he saw his town burn down (somehow) he servived and hold's his brother responseble (people often look for someone to blame for the loss of kin or parents and the brother was the onlyone other then himself to be involved) and dont say that alternation of dna cant change mental state. We as humans have no idea yet wat a change of dna can do (death, heavy mutation, changes of mental situation etc.) so it sounds a bit ignorent to say that something is impossible in a GAMEworld that has a lot of impossible (or possible) elements that are at this time things we know nothing about.
  16:37:44  24 February 2004
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Goodspeed
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/25/2003
Messages: 70
Oh boy....

Guys, I think this isn't going anywhere. Wilmer, I've read your story. If you don't mind somebody else interfering here, I'll give you a brief review. First of your rewrite is MUCH better then the one posted on the contest board. I'm glad that you did it. In the future it might be a lot easier to run a spellingscheck with the language set to either English (UK) or English(Verenigde Staten) to get the faults out. I understand if English isn't your native language, but you should understand that a story with many grammatical errors will get a lot of criticism.

But as a learning experience your story shows where you improved. The spelling aside, the main issue with your story is, as Amoki already told you (probably continuously), that it's a bit shallow. It hasn't got any depth. It just tells us about a bunch of guys riding in, get shot up and die. I you wanna be a writer, professional or just for fun, you might wanna try and work at the story some more, before writing it down. I can explain it all here, but it'll be easier to check out the thread with the tips and tricks.

Oh, and Amoki? Don't go too far man. I know you wanna help, but rewriting their entire story? Come on, then it isn't *their* story anymore, is it? Give advice, help people out, but don't go making this personal. If they don't agree, try to convince them. If they just won't listen, well, there's nothing you can do about it. If you press them, they'll only get angry and all you get is a flame war.
  06:08:24  25 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Oh boy....

Guys, I think this isn't going anywhere. Wilmer, I've read your story. If you don't mind somebody else interfering here, I'll give you a brief review. First of your rewrite is MUCH better then the one posted on the contest board. I'm glad that you did it. In the future it might be a lot easier to run a spellingscheck with the language set to either English (UK) or English(Verenigde Staten) to get the faults out. I understand if English isn't your native language, but you should understand that a story with many grammatical errors will get a lot of criticism.

But as a learning experience your story shows where you improved. The spelling aside, the main issue with your story is, as Amoki already told you (probably continuously), that it's a bit shallow. It hasn't got any depth. It just tells us about a bunch of guys riding in, get shot up and die. I you wanna be a writer, professional or just for fun, you might wanna try and work at the story some more, before writing it down. I can explain it all here, but it'll be easier to check out the thread with the tips and tricks.

Oh, and Amoki? Don't go too far man. I know you wanna help, but rewriting their entire story? Come on, then it isn't *their* story anymore, is it? Give advice, help people out, but don't go making this personal. If they don't agree, try to convince them. If they just won't listen, well, there's nothing you can do about it. If you press them, they'll only get angry and all you get is a flame war.
---END QUOTATION---



Thank God for Goodspeed. I was unwillingly stuck in this muck and here comes Goodspeed. Thanks, mate. And what does a klootzak means? BEcause I can easily reply with somethign like *kanak-kanak*
  06:09:54  25 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
which means "kids" in Malay.
  11:48:49  25 February 2004
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Goodspeed
(Senior)
 
On forum: 07/25/2003
Messages: 70
To be perfectly honest, it's the Dutch equivalent of '*sshole'. But in Wilmer's defence, he kinda wrote it down jokingly. I think you provoked him a bit. You set the standard for his writing way too high, when he just started out writing and then pressed him too hard.

I know you mean well, you don't have to tell me. Just keep an eye on it, okay?
 
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