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  05:58:52  7 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---

Haiku thread?

No it was angry (by my standards) assault. It doesnt have much of the haiku structure, isnt it?
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what to be angry about?
  10:56:55  7 February 2004
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Nauris Krauze
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/09/2003
Messages: 44

---QUOTATION---

what to be angry about?
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I really didnt like your attitude, that`s all. I mean, in a competition where most of the stories are written by a teens, its easy to stand out, as you, IanC and maybe couple of others do. Geez, for most of them it might be the first such kind of experience ever. You`re Kamasutra adept in a company of virgins, so to speak.
So you`re a giant here and instead of belittling them even more, you could offer constructive comment.

Yeah, I`m your Yoda, amoki - beware of your Dark Side
  11:17:48  7 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---

what to be angry about?

I really didnt like your attitude, that`s all. I mean, in a competition where most of the stories are written by a teens, its easy to stand out, as you, IanC and maybe couple of others do. Geez, for most of them it might be the first such kind of experience ever. You`re Kamasutra adept in a company of virgins, so to speak.
So you`re a giant here and instead of belittling them even more, you could offer constructive comment.

Yeah, I`m your Yoda, amoki - beware of your Dark Side
---END QUOTATION---



Well, you could have been more straight to the point- I don't mind people go straight the point. What I have meant is that the story is simple, so it is great. That was why I put a instead of a or !

To be honest, I was reevaluating every story inside the contest by uploading the stories into my mobilepocket for pda, so perhaps I may have got a little awkward in my description. You know, I have been reading about 120 entrees after what killziq asked for my opinion of top-ten works, and I am down to 42 more. So sorry if I got a little frustrated on this piece.

To be on more on the constructive side- the story is plain a simple, not toying with any fluffy language that drive me nuts (a lot of people write so whiel migling it with action -The loss of innocence was a fine example. But the author could have done more by putting in some emotions. Say, elaborating about fear. Even crying like "I don't want to die in this hellhole, Help1" would do. Try to make the stories's character felt like that it could be grasped, and you can have an awesome story.

P.S- I have read your 'Long way down the hill' while doing the evaulation, yoda. Quite interesting I should say, but the language was a little... eh... too complex for my mind. Mind boggling, that was the word. Nice try on the plot, about a former human tranform into a mutant, then come out with all those funny thought and emotion, then finalyl kill by its former friend, the Carl Zeiss guy. Another thing was that you could have been more straight-to-the-point by telling clearly that the 'hero' was a mutant instead of giving vague image of fur and the like. I only manage to realise that it was a mutant towards teh end of the story, abotu 3/4, and then your mind-bogglign language finally dawned on me. Oh yes, the funny language I am mentioning is something like "metal-monster roars", which in the end, I realist it was a truck... Good effort really.
  11:22:39  7 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---

what to be angry about?

I really didnt like your attitude, that`s all. I mean, in a competition where most of the stories are written by a teens, its easy to stand out, as you, IanC and maybe couple of others do. Geez, for most of them it might be the first such kind of experience ever. You`re Kamasutra adept in a company of virgins, so to speak.
So you`re a giant here and instead of belittling them even more, you could offer constructive comment.

Yeah, I`m your Yoda, amoki - beware of your Dark Side
---END QUOTATION---



Look, I am a teenager also, but what really distinguish me from the rest is that I tried very hard to learn from the mistakes of others, studied language plot structures of stories, did one hell of a research, and trying to learn from the big shots. Damnit, I even had Goodspeed to read my stories two years back. So, again, I am not trying to belittling somebody who just started because I knew how it felt like to be a newbie.
  15:20:22  7 February 2004
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KakerMix
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/13/2003
Messages: 18
Well, I appreciate the comments.
I knew about the lack of emotion, and that can be, well, *fixed* easily enough.

Like I said, short story. And I got some comments. So, you could say I got what I wanted

And also, I'll toy around with other story ideas. And, as always, I'll try to get it as original as I can.
  16:10:12  7 February 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124

---QUOTATION---

what to be angry about?

I really didnt like your attitude, that`s all. I mean, in a competition where most of the stories are written by a teens, its easy to stand out, as you, IanC and maybe couple of others do. Geez, for most of them it might be the first such kind of experience ever. You`re Kamasutra adept in a company of virgins, so to speak.
So you`re a giant here and instead of belittling them even more, you could offer constructive comment.

Yeah, I`m your Yoda, amoki - beware of your Dark Side

Look, I am a teenager also, but what really distinguish me from the rest is that I tried very hard to learn from the mistakes of others, studied language plot structures of stories, did one hell of a research, and trying to learn from the big shots. Damnit, I even had Goodspeed to read my stories two years back. So, again, I am not trying to belittling somebody who just started because I knew how it felt like to be a newbie.
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Distinguish? I have seen many other good stories here, some of which I think the ideas are very creative and fresh. (Alot of the recent ones) Some of the stories I seen here are too long for their own good, yes, I would read it yes, but I simply don't have the time or patience to read all that for my own good(even my story was pushing the limit of length). I wish to keep this professional as possible, but this is a contest of many, and it is not just the big players on the board that will create good work.
  20:33:54  7 February 2004
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Nauris Krauze
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/09/2003
Messages: 44
Well, I have a dark side as well, so sorry for anger flash, amoki. I simply think that this contest, although a pure PR event, is very good, and maybe some of those who have posted their stories here, will become hooked and find an interest in writing.

And abut language in my story..well, as you could see from my "assault" - that`s how I like it. Frankly, I hate obvious stuff stated obviously. Written word may have hundreds of meaning, dimensions and nuances, so I say, lets use them. I dont claim being good at it. Actually, if I thought being myself good at it, I wouldnt have taken part in such a contest

And feeling of the story came more or less from Strugacki brothers anyway - I`m a big fan of their works, although Stalker ("Picnic on the road" I guess could do for an English translation of original title) is their most known title, they have many fine works in sci-fi genre. Its a pitty, but I dont think much of it has been translated in English.
  20:56:51  7 February 2004
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Nauris Krauze
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/09/2003
Messages: 44
Besides, "weird language" was used because of the mutant hosts within the narrator. He basically sees world with their "thousand eyes", they dont understand or know many concepts, many words/images dont make sense to them. So truck simply could not be a "truck" for them, as they dont have a concept and associations we have with this word (engine, gas, backseat, drive-in: that all flashes through our conscience when we see the word, while bugs dont have any of it.)
  21:28:34  7 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Besides, "weird language" was used because of the mutant hosts within the narrator. He basically sees world with their "thousand eyes", they dont understand or know many concepts, many words/images dont make sense to them. So truck simply could not be a "truck" for them, as they dont have a concept and associations we have with this word (engine, gas, backseat, drive-in: that all flashes through our conscience when we see the word, while bugs dont have any of it.)
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But the former-human mutant has intellect, right? it still has (vague) memory of its past, and a truck is not really the kind of word that was easier to forget than a name...
  21:30:45  7 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---

and it is not just the big players on the board that will create good work.
---END QUOTATION---



big good hand from me for this one.
 
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