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Narrow House, Ukaine

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  04:21:49  4 January 2004
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GSMARTENS
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/21/2003
 

Message edited by:
GSMARTENS
01/05/2004 3:17:07
Messages: 5
Narrow House, Ukaine

(This is my story, I spent a while on it. its pretty long so i dont know if there is some sort of posting restrictions, but if you guys have the time to read that really would be great. All critism welcome, string me up if you want to hehehe.. I think there are a few typos but ya know.. sorry the text is not correctly indented or centered to represent paragraphs and headers. Plus this text in not in its entirety, some words have been ommitted by some filter of sorts, i am not sure whether it is based on a net filter that is on this computer or on the forums. more likely it is from this computer so i apologize if certain sentence dont make sense. -Greg Martin)






NARROW HOUSE, UKRAINE: THE BEGINNING
- -
PART I


Of all the belligerence solidified in his life, in his heart, it made perfect sense to stay out in this dreary landscape. Every season was ripened with grief. An empty sorrow as to be the blue veins interpolated inside, barely pumping. Beyond this there was nothing else. The rare occurrences of happiness culminated only half as quick as they left for Efiv, like the fading light of a destitute his life bled under his eyelids. -


Efiv Korsakov was born in the troubling year of 1988 on the west side of Kiev. The capital of present day Ukraine was very different then. It was two years after the first Chernobyl catastrophe, and as most parts of the world today, the satellite was far enough away from disaster to fear but horribly to close to correctly understand. The tragedy that preceded his young life was only a precedent for his own personal blow's. Early on, Efiv's Father was plagued with cancer in the last years of the CCCP and past away. His Mother died shortly after its collapse. Of his two brothers he lost the younger to the Russian mafia.

The last time he saw his older brother was on a drab day, twenty two years after the fateful fall of the Communist Government. Valdemar, Efiv's senior of two years, paced away for the long journey to the Chernobyl Zone on an algid, overcast eve late in 2011. The kind of murky surrealism beset that day that can be found in the en, monotone hue of low hung clouds that only sweep lower and become darker by every degree of the dying day's light. The wind shook and knocked the trees, and cool air traversed the meadow's tract pushing down the stocks in waves. And here in the blue-grey haze Efiv stood on the porch of his grandfather's house and watched his closest friend's back fade into the thickets. The property had been in the family since the fall of that Communist Party. Most times here were decent living with his brother, but a latent undertone always seemed to exist uneasily, and tonight this under girthing crept up into the mainstay. His stomach churned. He felt evil dance in the damp, dying November.

. . .

Forward a year and a winter and Korsakov's stare was transparent. His broad shoulders slouched back in a posture that made the chair creak under his lean, but heavy body. This man of twenty-three already had a hard, steady gaze that was compounded by the griefs of prior years. His countenance was serious with shining eyes that were both telling and deprived. As he sat, Efiv was caught up in memories and thoughts of the past. Imprinted and remember off his mind, it was a lump of sour, severed endings.

One month earlier Efiv had a visit from a brooding, tall man. This man, a Stalker, carried a clean dignity with a face covered in grim. He had generalities to his features that if not dirty, were Slavic. Foremost though, he appeared to have come out of some paramilitary outfit and was overcast with a glow of misery. Soon Efiv realized he worked for the Russian Special Operatives by arbitrating his radiation suit and an FN2000 assault rifle swung casually across his back. These were carried along with an assortment of other high priced accouterments usually indicative of state sponsorship.

The Stalker held a small bundled package. Efiv knew what it was. The soldier looked most like an honest man and from the beginning Efiv perceived his sincerity: for this man to return his brother's sparse belongings did show integrity, a rarity for a Stalker. He had no need to thieve Valdemar's meager clothing and equipment (what was left of it). And he may have been appropriating ROE orders. Yet, the act was in itself kind even as Efiv began to crumble inside.

After Efiv invited him into the house, they walked to the center of the small living room. The solider appeared to be in his thirties and in good physical condition. Efiv was 23, yet his facial expression wore like an old man's. His attire was much different from the other, reflective of his rural upbringing. He wore leather metallurgy pants his father had owned when he worked in a foundry as a young man. The faded soot-blue, cotton thermal that was once cobalt fitted strangely over the large stature of his upper body.

Efiv sat down, but the man only kept standing. So, here this Slav stood facing Efiv in his small, dingy house with the sun's soft rays bleeding through the shanty's windows. Efiv now sat in his gutted arm chair, already knowing what the visit was for. The soilure chair completely reflected his feelings inside as outside the warm Spring air settled in the lazy afternoon.

The upright solider spoke slow with empathy, "I am Captain Svoyan Nostovich." He said, "These, I believe, belonged to your brother?" extending the twain-tied package.

"Yes, they are his," answered Efiv, a little curtly.

With a pause and a sigh Svoyan relaxed his arm and started again, "My insertion team came across his body three weeks ago when we found him in the brush, torn up badly and . It took some time to trace him to you with the little information we found in the field . . . The 6th Army gives its deepest sympathies."

The Russian sponsored Sixth Army was responsible for containment and operations in the Chernobyl sector. They constituted the better proportion of major maneuvers in the area, and almost every thing they did was 'Black'.

Even so Efiv took the bundle in his hands and after sometime he quietly mumbled back, "Thank you." Then his throat choked before he said, "I have condolence at least knowing his end." His words connected with a glossy stare.

An odd minute later Svoyan tentatively said, "Well, you are by yourself out here? - Alone yes? Your provincial document said Valdemar was your last relative."

Efiv, answered outside of himself, affirming, "Yes. Yes, I am th-the only one here." Then he brought his eyes back to the solider's, showing a little curiosity in his face he said, "Yes?"

With understanding in the Captain's voice he spoke, "Well, if you do ever need anything I am stationed at the S-3 on Highway M20 leading North to Kiev. It is outside the perimeter . . . Though," A little hesitation ed in Nostovich's voice as he shifted his weight, "honestly, if things get tough here, you could join up. We need good men. I could get you placed in almost any station. The pay is quite good and it is healthy in all respects."

"You mean hire out to you like a decrepit mercenary? Go get killed like my brother? Yeah, thank you for the offer, but I am fine here. I support myself. I am use to my lot in this life. I'm fine." Efiv said, lying, with a little pride in his tone.

Nostovich reading Efiv's discontent on the suggestion said, "If you do change your mind, it's always open." And then softly he added, leaning in slightly, "These parts are not safe." -that glow of misery grew a bit stronger with these last words.

The soldier fell quietly then. Efiv answered back, nodding slightly as a silence cropped up between the two. The conversation fled in the gravity that any small hope Efiv held was laid to waste. His brother was . And, even though this man's last comment was intriguing, almost compelling, more pressing feelings were upon him. He sat and looked at nothing with a face of solemn bewilderment.

Here Nostovich gave a silent farewell and headed off into the sunlight. The shimmering, wild grains swayed around his waist. He disappeared into the same thickets Valdemar did a year ago. Efiv then opened the small bundle. He held the items in his hands and felt a sharp pain pulse through his chest and head. His mind blurred. The cursed, golden day was so far from the cold stirrings hollowing his insides. Efiv, wrenched and gutted, doubled over in dark contrast to the radiance that plumed around him in radiance only skin deep.


Now the long days of a month had past into his current situation. He sat staring sully eyed out into the wilderness of his surroundings, the wilderness that swallowed his brother. A transparent stare was on his cold features. Depression was becoming his constant companion. Efiv barely tended to his garden, barely left the insides of his house. Somehow there was comfort in that- being inside, in the dark, the senses that had always ted his life and at present threatened to bury him.

In this state, dreams of the most depressing nature started to present themselves in the most lucent senses of sleep. He could see his brother die. He could feel the agony. The more the worse, every night beating the serotonin out of his mind.

Soon after these different sorts of dreams began. They were more omens of the future. At first Korsakov did not recognize the premonitions, but the haze soon gave way to understanding. As when he found a delivery man coming to the monthly mail drop near his home. Efiv was steadily walking the dirt fairway outside the outskirts of his home. Here he came to a curve and was completely hit. The image of a wrecked truck shot through his mind. The feeling of the actual crash stopped his breathe short only a half second before seeing it. Already taking in the moment in unison with a recall of a twin memory, Efiv watched almost in slow motion. He could not stop it from happening.

Korsakov ran to the while living this dream in flux of the present. The driver's mangled legs were broken with protruding, ied bones coming out of his gray Soviet-era overalls. The dark red saturation contrasted heavily with the pearlseed of the cloth. The man was pinned helpless under the shady outreaches of the roadside oaks. His spine bent back as he hung half way out the truck door upside down. The smell of motor oil and gasoline permeated around a mangled engine block. Efiv witnessed in his mind the y mess and knew it all like yester year. He knew he had dreamt it and seen this several nights before. Although it had turned murky and befuddled as all dreams do. The revelry was in fluid recollection as Efiv aided the man and went for help.

The fact of the matter was that in honesty he could recall the future he dreamt only once the plot of time began, only in the present as it happened, only in the worst moments. These pernicious visions would always in confusion the first minutes of the morning after being dreamt- as he half lucidly recalled and felt the knowledge of something beside himself. Like an unnatural demon snuck into his cold, mourning room and swelled his mind with the ungodly information. Then it would fade into the gray, fatty tissues of Efiv's cerebellum solely to be thrown back like an ill man's vomit to palpitate his every wit.

In a single course of complete impotent action he stood by and watched. How could he change the future by any means? Always these living premonitions would refocus themselves in his conscious right before something happened, or as it would occur, never to be changed, never to be denied.

. . .

And so the season fell into the next and August withered. In this late summer Efiv turned to a start in his bed. Damp, the white sheets were spread in long wads around him. Under the expanding moon light from his window he lazily rolled off his worn mattress. The next minute he stumbled the few short meters to the kitchen. And as grabbing a drink of aging vodka, he felt his senses jolt, as instinctually as an animal's.

Intuitively Efiv headed toward the stoop silently as possible. The moon was out in full, and the creeping effulgence flowed through the glass panes. At that moment, as light lathed the room, Korsakov felt an acute sense of being watched. Discomforting, it was a tenfold impression of a somewhat unusually usual tinge. Slowly he gripped his fingers around his bolt-action next to the front door. He glanced with half his face symmetrically lit along the door
  17:28:06  9 January 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Narrow House, Ukaine
---END QUOTATION---



Well, Greg... I didn't have much time to read your pieces from my PDA, but I have covered about half of it (notice the word 'half'). I am taking some time off after finishing my Part 5. Damn, typing could really take time. I typed 19 pages of MSWORDS, Font 12 in Times New Roman, just to finish my Part 5! As you can imagine, it is an ardous process. And to add that I have to finsih my grand finale by next week- I think GSC is waiting for me to post up before they post every work up.

But nevertheless, this is what I found:
1) You story is interesting- a welcoming break from the usual cycle of Zone killing and stuff (read my comment in 'fed up'). It's good, so I am reading it, and maybe will reread it before I say more on my next post.
2) your language is good, but a little too good for me. You lines are goofing me up, so that was why I read ChanSD5's first. It is quite hard to interpret hard lines, so maybe you should make things a little simpler next time. But its taste for this point though, so don't hesitate to ignore this if you think your writing style cuts you off from the other stories. Sometime keeping thins straight the point has its advantage too.

I can't promise you more analysis from this point, but I wil do my best. *yawn* it is 1.18 am on my watch, and it had been a hard night of typing for me. But don't worry- you will hear from me soon enough. So far I can tell, your story is on the thought-provoking side because it lacks action, and only time would judge me wrong after I finish your story.
  01:38:30  12 January 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Hello, Mr Marsten. I have finished your story last night- quite an interesting story you've got. But I have to hurry. The sketch for my finale is to be finsihed today, then finsihed being typed tomorrow night.

1) Interesting plot. Your story got the stuff. Instead of tension, you replaced them with curiosity (both are almost indentical twins.) And monster you have created yourself is surely a very fresh idea. But one thing I have to tell yuou is about the #$%##$@$@$@#!@@!@#1 monster's name. For classification, numbers and letter would be sufficient. A name would be better, because you want your story to be those kind that leave an impresiion behind, so a name would help very much. I'll be waiting for Part 2, since you got me started after they burnt down the house... I find your plot is very similar to mine, since ours have nothing to do with the usual killing stuff, instead our own main character was thrown into the chaos we built for them. The only difference between yours and mine was that my Zone story was more to the human's greed side, your's covering up.

2) Character- Efiv got his own thoughts and mind. But I am not very sure you give any description about his physical self, aside from the beard and facial hari stuff after his brother died. You also built up the other characters, like The Captain and the mysterious woman (but how come you gave the woman a description instead of Efiv? Maybe my mistake though- took me two days to finish your story, so I might forget something.) But I think you didn't put in any description for the monster, did you?

3)language. This may be your biggest selling point, but note the word 'may'. Although you may have a very impressive English Education (from a reputable Boys's High in your country, eh?), your sentence are quite hard to chew. You only had a few sentences that really sturck right down to the point. I prefer those kind of sentences, but I don't know abouit the others.

4) NOw to your technical flaws-
i) why don't he kill himself with the gun that he had instead of using ropes? He had a gun after all. But then agin, if he did blast his brain out with a shotgun, the parasite could not have infested him, and that ruined the whole story. So it might be wise if you put it that a voice told him to hang himself.

ii)If the military burnt down his house, why don't they just kill him? A murder case is more harder to be solve compared to arson, right? (may be wrong though). again, here you have to convince the reader, maybe even put down a killing attempt, although it is a little too late for that.


I haven't finish with the kill. As soon as I finish my work and got my house ready to be sold, I will read it again. But this is a very interesting story you have got- definitely better than those crap inside the top-ten billboard. Those story, although undeniably some have some quality in it, are of mediocre quality.

Better get your part 2 ready for posting, because I will like to see them too. And do tell me about a little bit about yourself so I know what to comment. I am a 18 (!) year old who had learnt the trades from the big brothers here, so you can count on me.
  01:40:12  12 January 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
It would be great for me too if you can get the time to read mine. But be warned- they are more to a novel then a short story. (Surprisingly this is a very short novel :/)
  02:53:51  16 January 2004
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GSMARTENS
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/21/2003
 

Message edited by:
GSMARTENS
01/16/2004 3:13:09
Messages: 5
Hey Amoki, sorry i haven't checked this board in a while. I sort of gave up that i would get any replies. but ya thanks for all the positive criticism, its really nice to get some one else's point of view on this stuff. But you are right about the lack of physical description for Efiv. When i started this story way back in June/July I was planning on it to be about 4 or 5 times as long, but i didn't like the way it was going in the beginning so i quit writting for sometime until about November. I decided i should finish it then and barreled through the last two parts and did some editing on the first two. Anyways, where i am going with this is that i didnt really make an outline or plan ahead and make character profiles like i should have done. So ya, I realized this near finishing and went back and added some characteristics to Efiv, near the beginning of the story;
---QUOTATION---
His broad shoulders slouched back in a posture that made the chair creak under his lean, but heavy body. This man of twenty-three already had a hard, steady gaze that was compounded by the griefs of prior years. His countenance was serious with shining eyes that were both telling and deprived.
---END QUOTATION---

and
---QUOTATION---
Efiv was 23, yet his facial expression wore like an old man's. His attire was much different from the other, reflective of his rural upbringing. He wore leather metallurgy pants his father had owned when he worked in a foundry as a young man. The faded soot-blue, cotton thermal that was once cobalt fitted strangely over the large stature of his upper body.
---END QUOTATION---

-so i added a little in near the end but it still is not as concise or consolidated as it should be.

Also you are right about it beeing to wordy, my sentence structure gets really confusing and i lose alot of the meaning from all the description. I let my parents read this and my mother said the same thing. It does lose its poignancy.

In any case i had to rush to finish this on time for that contest and i didnt get to edit it enough to where i wanted it to be. but thats how it goes i guess. but i dont know if i want to write more. I don't really like the whole setting or anything. If I did finish the story in its entirety, though, i would like to do it in three parts. "Narrow House, Ukraine: The Beginning" for the beginning. Then a middle Part that would be far in the future cataloging his son's life and stuff, which would leave more questions about what went on in between. Then to finish i would write the 3rd ending part that would take place in the time period between the other two parts,1 and 2. Ya, tell me what you think of that.. anyways sorry i am writting so much. oh and btw, i am 19 and live in Nevada, USA. but if you want to collaborate more that would be awesome. my email is gwegor@yahoo.com. I will try and read your stories when i can, ok. I look forward to it. Later -greg

.....p.s.

The controller who controls the mutants (which are usually referred to in russian as "ghost" -that is what that writing is; it's russian since the people reading this at GSC are ukrainian. i didnt think it wrong to leave it as such for the better part of the story. sorry.) but the controller is the one who burnt down his house because Efiv ed one of the Controller's "ghost" mutants. That is who the strange creature is in the trees when he gets back to his home. Sorry i didnt make that clear. anyways i got alot of stuff to do right now. I apologize i cant elaborate more on your questions/points. If you want i can email you my story, since my father put a filter on the browser that unfortunately filters out words like out of odic. Things like that. so certain parts of the story dont completely make sense like they should... but anyways take care Amoki...
  01:42:58  17 January 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Hey Amoki, sorry i haven't checked this board in a while. I sort of gave up that i would get any replies. but ya thanks for all the positive criticism, its really nice to get some one else's point of view on this stuff. But you are right about the lack of physical description for Efiv. When i started this story way back in June/July I was planning on it to be about 4 or 5 times as long, but i didn't like the way it was going in the beginning so i quit writting for sometime until about November. I decided i should finish it then and barreled through the last two parts and did some editing on the first two. Anyways, where i am going with this is that i didnt really make an outline or plan ahead and make character profiles like i should have done. So ya, I realized this near finishing and went back and added some characteristics to Efiv, near the beginning of the story; His broad shoulders slouched back in a posture that made the chair creak under his lean, but heavy body. This man of twenty-three already had a hard, steady gaze that was compounded by the griefs of prior years. His countenance was serious with shining eyes that were both telling and deprived. and Efiv was 23, yet his facial expression wore like an old man's. His attire was much different from the other, reflective of his rural upbringing. He wore leather metallurgy pants his father had owned when he worked in a foundry as a young man. The faded soot-blue, cotton thermal that was once cobalt fitted strangely over the large stature of his upper body. -so i added a little in near the end but it still is not as concise or consolidated as it should be.

Also you are right about it beeing to wordy, my sentence structure gets really confusing and i lose alot of the meaning from all the description. I let my parents read this and my mother said the same thing. It does lose its poignancy.

In any case i had to rush to finish this on time for that contest and i didnt get to edit it enough to where i wanted it to be. but thats how it goes i guess. but i dont know if i want to write more. I don't really like the whole setting or anything. If I did finish the story in its entirety, though, i would like to do it in three parts. "Narrow House, Ukraine: The Beginning" for the beginning. Then a middle Part that would be far in the future cataloging his son's life and stuff, which would leave more questions about what went on in between. Then to finish i would write the 3rd ending part that would take place in the time period between the other two parts,1 and 2. Ya, tell me what you think of that.. anyways sorry i am writting so much. oh and btw, i am 19 and live in Nevada, USA. but if you want to collaborate more that would be awesome. my email is gwegor@yahoo.com. I will try and read your stories when i can, ok. I look forward to it. Later -greg

.....p.s.

The controller who controls the mutants (which are usually referred to in russian as "ghost" -that is what that writing is; it's russian since the people reading this at GSC are ukrainian. i didnt think it wrong to leave it as such for the better part of the story. sorry.) but the controller is the one who burnt down his house because Efiv ed one of the Controller's "ghost" mutants. That is who the strange creature is in the trees when he gets back to his home. Sorry i didnt make that clear. anyways i got alot of stuff to do right now. I apologize i cant elaborate more on your questions/points. If you want i can email you my story, since my father put a filter on the browser that unfortunately filters out words like out of odic. Things like that. so certain parts of the story dont completely make sense like they should... but anyways take care Amoki...

---END QUOTATION---



Hey mate, if i said I will give your story a review, I will. You just gotta believe me. But anyway, good story. Maybe if you have some more time you can write it for leisure, but make sure that it doesn'r mess with you college time.
Me? I am an 18 year old who is currently working in my Uncle's cpu shop and preparing to coninue my Year 13 the week after next.
Abou the ghost stuff... well, everyone is unique though, I am not going to say anything about that. But I kinda fell lost to the horrendous mutant the just put in the official webstie- kinda scary, you know.
 
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