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The Boy

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  08:30:37  2 January 2004
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Kristophan
(Senior)
 
On forum: 12/10/2003
 

Message edited by:
Kristophan
01/02/2004 8:31:48
Messages: 120
Hello folks and welcome to another story inspired by the world of Stalker!



The Boy

It was terrible!
In the space of a few minutes the land, and the lives of every person living there, was irrevocably altered. The disaster at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant was, without a doubt, the biggest and most catastrophic man made disaster that the human race had ever witnessed.
The cost to the planet
  04:51:08  19 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
hehheh,I was stil reading your story when you posted the comment about your story not getting attention and now at the 2nd page of the story. Somehow the Left Behind series in my PDA got my attention more then your story, and , heh heh, The Rapture is kind of more important then anything I know. But anyway, I finished your story

How you opened the story was good- I liked it. But other than this, I really have to rant a lot. First of all, your plot is not as worthy as your language skill, although I can really see the effort there is in here. Some how you did not breath a lot of life into your story, which make your character dull. Who really is 'the crazy lady'? What is really so special about the boy that you make it the title? You did not put that well enough, so I really have to say the dull things about your story. Plotwise, it is ordinary to be honest. It has some difference then the rest, but... characterization some to play again. Too bad.

But keep up the work.
  05:58:55  19 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 01/28/2004
Messages: 154
I'm all for the plot (although it seems sortof empty, like my shortened one). I'd also like to inquire into the 'crazy lady'.

Some advice that my teacher gave me when we read (I think...) Call of the Wild. The dog is beaten by a man in red. This man is never given a name. He's a dull figure, and because we never learn anything about him specifically we don't feel for him. Especially his name. Although names don't need to generally mean something, when you're missing it your reader will develop a negative opinion of your character more easily.

(such as in the book, the man in the the red sweater beats the dog, and because we don't know why he's doing it, and we know nothing about him, we generally assume the worst, based soley on his actions). I would also suggest fixing some of the descriptions (as in, it was across from the Palace of Culture). Although this can give you a good relationship between where your buildings are, I have no idea where these buildings are relative to where the boy was running (all I know is the dogs were 200 yards into the park at one point).

Maybe it's a sequel or something, but I think explaining why the boy lives in the zone would help a little (unless he's not in the zone, but that's not the impression I got).
  11:29:22  19 March 2004
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Kristophan
(Senior)
 
On forum: 12/10/2003
Messages: 120
Fair points.
I did, however, deliberately leave a lot of things unsaid. I like to leave the readers ot make their own judgments and connections, even if it means that they don't end up with the same characters that I envisioned.
I suppose when I'm writting I always have the whole picture (including all the little details) in my head, but perhaps I leave too much in there instead of putting it on the page.

I also got a bit worried/annoyed with the way I kept reffering to her as the 'Crazy Lady', and I have started a story about her specifically (nowhere near finished).
As for the boy, I honestly think I have explained why he lives (just inside) the zone.

Thanks again for the comments.
  20:51:32  19 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
you, had just suffered some of the major mistakes I have seen, my friend.

Never deliberately left a lot of things unsaid. While letting the readers' imagination run wild is a good thing, always try to give them a rought sketch.of the surrounding. In your case, you only gave the major things. Try giving some of the small things in detail. For me, I'll put in things like this:
1) Ferris Wheel
2) rows buildings with flaky paints, possibilty broken building (possible because their I-beams gone weak)
3) old Moskvichs both beside the road. the one beside the road is covered with grass, while the ones at the road had their bonnet opened, their batteries gone.

Sounds good enough? Although the setting I gave might not correlate with your setting, this is roughly what I think is good.

You have been checking the forum like everyday, didn't you Kristophan? Your response is quick.
 
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