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Two storys for your consideration.

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  15:13:21  31 December 2003
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TheOath
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/17/2003
Messages: 6
Two storys for your consideration.

Feel free to coment:

Two storys written by my mom -BM

TheOath



The Initiation

Ian had only been two and his sister a baby when their parents had vanished in the disaster at Chernobyl. Then, they had lived with their grandmother until the zone grew, and the army forced them to evacuate. There were no jobs and little money. Everything was the zone now. The army, scientists, stalkers, and dealers, everything centered on the zone. The zone owed them. The zone was Ian
  08:02:08  1 January 2004
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Trevor Hardy
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/01/2004
Messages: 2

---QUOTATION---
Two storys for your consideration.

Feel free to coment:

Two storys written by my mom -BM

TheOath


The Initiation
...

The Stalker
...


---END QUOTATION---



Wow! I have read many of the stories submitted for the competition, but this is the first time I have read something I can honestly say was good. While these are both very short, as far as technique, style, grammer and other technical aspects go, these are VERY good. Tell your mom she has real talent and should seriously consider writing as a career (if she isn't already, although I have a feeling she must have written or edited a lot to be this good). Very well done!
  14:50:30  1 January 2004
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Sablehawk
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/01/2004
Messages: 9

---QUOTATION---
Two storys for your consideration.

Feel free to coment:

Two storys written by my mom -BM

TheOath

The Initiation

---END QUOTATION---



Great stories ... I look forward to more of your work
  05:30:00  14 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
02/14/2004 6:43:14
Messages: 1729
The story is good. Yup, I think this story will be among the best I have read so far. Why? the blend of violence is just suitable, and everything seem to run logically from my sense. Also, the story is the type that get right down to the point, because I have seen so much stories having 'fuffly language' (as if the authors are trying to brag about how good are their English) yet lack a good plot. Also, as simple as it seems, the introduction cast the character (identity) of Ian straight away. Lastly, although I normally upload things into my handheld to be read, for this I had no problem, because the story is short, yet good enough to include surrounding, character, action. This situation is quite rare, since most of the authors like me, Ian C, Midnight Rambler, Goodspeed, Arthur Gordon Pym, ruintained and a hell lot of others had to have long length to have a good story. Overall, you have a good-quality story here.

Now to the flaws. Ian is really not a common name in Ukraine. So it would be nice to stick with names like Yuri, Andrey, Igor, Ivan and the like for a little bit of realism. I can forgive you (literal meaning) that no name of guns are mention, because Ian is a new guy and possibly he never knew any guns name (Good Old grama seems to be very good in censoring violence ) Lastly, apart from conversation, the story do lack human elements such as thoughts and feelings, but is not completely lack of those elements again. A little more human elements would do tremendous help to the story, but if you intend to keep the story as short as this, forget about this comment as the present quality of the story is good enough.

P.S- BM, thanks for reading my story at the first place, because the comment you gave me for "My Stalker's memoir cont'd PArt 3" a few long months ago is really heartfelt. I tried to twist the plot to make a contrast to the other story, and apart from you, not many people really appreciat the difference. Thanks again.
  18:55:18  16 February 2004
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B.Miller
(Novice)
 
On forum: 12/31/2003
Messages: 10
B. Miller


---QUOTATION---
The story is good. Yup, I think this story will be among the best I have read so far. Why? the blend of violence is just suitable, and everything seem to run logically from my sense. Also, the story is the type that get right down to the point, because I have seen so much stories having 'fuffly language' (as if the authors are trying to brag about how good are their English) yet lack a good plot. Also, as simple as it seems, the introduction cast the character (identity) of Ian straight away. Lastly, although I normally upload things into my handheld to be read, for this I had no problem, because the story is short, yet good enough to include surrounding, character, action. This situation is quite rare, since most of the authors like me, Ian C, Midnight Rambler, Goodspeed, Arthur Gordon Pym, ruintained and a hell lot of others had to have long length to have a good story. Overall, you have a good-quality story here.

Now to the flaws. Ian is really not a common name in Ukraine. So it would be nice to stick with names like Yuri, Andrey, Igor, Ivan and the like for a little bit of realism. I can forgive you (literal meaning) that no name of guns are mention, because Ian is a new guy and possibly he never knew any guns name (Good Old grama seems to be very good in censoring violence ) Lastly, apart from conversation, the story do lack human elements such as thoughts and feelings, but is not completely lack of those elements again. A little more human elements would do tremendous help to the story, but if you intend to keep the story as short as this, forget about this comment as the present quality of the story is good enough.

P.S- BM, thanks for reading my story at the first place, because the comment you gave me for "My Stalker's memoir cont'd PArt 3" a few long months ago is really heartfelt. I tried to twist the plot to make a contrast to the other story, and apart from you, not many people really appreciat the difference. Thanks again.
---END QUOTATION---



Thanks for the input. I think you may have a future as a literary critic. You zeroed in on two things I was concerned about when I wrote these stories. One, I didn't know what names are common in that part of the world. The few I did know had negative conotations in this country. Igor is the name used for the hunch backed assistant of the evil scientist in old horror movies, and Ivan is like a generalized name for any Russian. Those were the only two names I really knew, and I didn't want to use them. Two, I do not have much knowledge of weapons, except for old American types, which were not appropriate. As to style, you are right. I tend to write in very condensed prose. A lot of information is given in very few sentences or is implied in an action or discription. For example, the description of the face of the stalker that Ian meets is intended to suggest his character before he actually does anything. Thanks for your comments.
  03:34:35  20 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
B. Miller
Thanks for the input. I think you may have a future as a literary critic. You zeroed in on two things I was concerned about when I wrote these stories. One, I didn't know what names are common in that part of the world. The few I did know had negative conotations in this country. Igor is the name used for the hunch backed assistant of the evil scientist in old horror movies, and Ivan is like a generalized name for any Russian. Those were the only two names I really knew, and I didn't want to use them. Two, I do not have much knowledge of weapons, except for old American types, which were not appropriate. As to style, you are right. I tend to write in very condensed prose. A lot of information is given in very few sentences or is implied in an action or discription. For example, the description of the face of the stalker that Ian meets is intended to suggest his character before he actually does anything. Thanks for your comments.
---END QUOTATION---



Well, I believe you are a victim of the Cold War. Russian isn't such bad people ( Except for Russian Mafia, because all mafia are bad guys). Igor is a comment name, just like George, and not all George are good guys . I believe Nauris Klauze can say more about this.
  10:31:53  20 February 2004
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Nauris Krauze
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/09/2003
Messages: 44
Well, I believe there are databases online with Russian names. I believe you could even find the info on which ones are the most popular in Russia. Nikolay, Pyotr (dang, dont know if its spelled so in English), Dmitri, Andrey - those ones of the most popular but also the most stereotypical. Ruslan, maybe? you see its Russian right away, but its not overused.
I hate watching Hollywood movies with Russians - they all have the same 3 names. Nevermind the terrible accent
Maybe for a story it would be good to go for something fresh. Quick googling revealed tens of "baby name databases" containing Russian names you could possibly use, but I didnt have the courage to go deeper
  13:48:49  20 February 2004
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
http://www.sca.org/heraldry/paul/

I found that link to be a good source for Russian names.
  19:37:58  20 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
http://www.sca.org/heraldry/paul/

I found that link to be a good source for Russian names.
---END QUOTATION---



So Lukin came from there, eh?
  19:47:17  20 February 2004
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PRES_00
Resident Squatter
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 01/15/2004
Messages: 922
Wow

Wow Amoki, pretty much every thread in this section ends with a message from you. You're a literal literary freak.

Kidding
 
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