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  11:12:43  18 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
certainly your new story has improvement. You starting to know how to create an interesting plot, even though it is your usual easy plot. Not bad! Keep it up.

In your new work, you also starting to reduce the amount of character. you start to know how to focus on individual character, which is how you basically put in emotion and thoughts. What I mean is, you now know how to pay attention to individual character with more than 2 sentences on a character one at a time. But this is where you improve- unless you have a heated conversation, always try to put in more than 2 sentepce at a time to put in thought/emotions/reaction when you are uslng 1st person.

1st person= using "I"
3rd person = "he"

1st is a strong weapon when you want to do a thought provoking story. A good "Actually, best." is "The difference between you and me." Or try "home to stay", which is mind in the forum. But I will provide you with a link when I get to use a CPU. I am now on a PDA. 3rd persod is mre on action, whic is usually what I recommend for new authors as most of the time most authors are better od action. Unless you have somethirg to say to the world via your story, you might as well stick to 3rd person.

You might consider post your story in the forum- Ian C is a better commentor (and he don't have to write on a PDA).
  23:45:04  17 June 2004
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beowulfstalker
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/25/2004
 

Message edited by:
beowulfstalker
06/17/2004 23:45:56
Messages: 78
yes post it here and review
  21:02:49  17 June 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124
Post it here, I wanna read it.
  19:56:07  17 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
That's what I meant good... "Geneva" can be somethign that worth your time studying- study the way your story flows, how the story can be expressed...

Anyway, I have read through your story. Do you want me the review it here, or send it to your email? IT is indeed better than this one.
  17:09:04  17 June 2004
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beowulfstalker
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/25/2004
Messages: 78
oops, my mistake. I was thinking of another story. i really like geneva, everything. sorry for the mistake
  17:07:07  17 June 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124
If your talking about Geneva, she is not one of the stalkers. She is one of the former citizens of the zone still latching on to their desocrated homes since the first Chernobyl meltdowns.
  13:02:13  17 June 2004
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beowulfstalker
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/25/2004
Messages: 78
i did read your story and thought your writing was very good, but i didn't like the moral. It just doesnt fit into the Stalker role. but i might just be an evil guy who thinks everybody in the Zone is bad.
  12:36:20  17 June 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
 

Message edited by:
Chansd5
06/17/2004 12:42:59
Messages: 124
beowulfstalker, the thing I noticed in your stories is that the actions of your characters are a bit shorter than usual. Now, this story has many potential to be really great, but its just the action (and some other things) that need some work on.

Instead of saying like, "I took potshots at the invading mutants, and killed 3 of them."
try something more detailed, for example, like this.

"As the overwhelming number of mutants assaulted my position, fear nearly overwhelmed me. I fetched the safety off my Kalashnikov, aligned the sights, and braced to fend off the enevitable onslaught that is to come."

Then, describe the bodycount in some good detail in your favorite description words.

Describe how each round created a cloud of crimson brain matter behind each mutant's head as the character's former hunting skills reminiscent back to him from his grandfather or something.

And yes, dont have too many characters. You have great potential, I like a good background of characters, it gives them depth. As always, write more, and Ill be sure to read it. Read my story Geneva, I think you'll like it and you can see how the actions were described. Write on!
  12:15:30  17 June 2004
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beowulfstalker
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/25/2004
Messages: 78
amoki, i sent you another story(i hope it's better) still give your comments and flame me
  07:49:22  17 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
additional tips:
1) Never involve too many characters if you want a griping story. Since you are an American, you make things more easily. Try picking 2 of my most favourite series (I am not American though" - '24' and 'Stargate Sg-1'. Ever examine how those stories rocks? They don't involve too many characters. Every guy has their way of reacting to the situation, have somethign to fear, something that love, somethign to protect. For example, Jack Bauer... I'm gonna leave this for yourself, you should have watch it . Writing a story is pretty much making a movie, only that this time the movie is the one that rolls in your (and the reader's) head and that movie is what you put in words. Now, this is the tricky part- you have to descript the movie! This normally involves your style. The less chracter you have, the more dynamic you can make them! Most good stories here have less than 5 characters, so unless you are a real pro, don't do too much. Even Ian C never dare to do too much- he has only 2 dynamic characters (Abrams and Lukin). The others are just mere side-characters that only venture in the end.

2) Language is never a problem. Most readers ebjoy sentence that is competent, yet rich in content. Don't put in too much flashy sentence. You only need one at the first sentence. Also make sure the intro is competent. A typical example is "The loss of innocence." Remember, this is not an attack, just an example. If you examine the author's intro, he can go something about Darwin;s law (and got it wrong and unapplicable ) stuff, while his story goes into choice, US army in Ukraine ( ), no interesting plot (good guy save the world by killing his superior so that an apocalypse bomb will not get discovered). As you can see- irrelecant. As you can see, first sentence always meant a lot, mainly about what genre the stories are. So always try to start your story with a well crafted story about what is going on, not an introduction on somethign else.

3) Don;t be afriad to make mistakes! Practice, practice, and practise! ( I can almost assure you, after the contest had stop receiving any new stories, most of us here have plenty of time. So if you can find the time to write, don;t be afriad to post it up and receive critism.

Writing is a very delicate thing, and you can't normally appreciate how good is a story done until you have tried doing it yourself.

And done worry too much about me. Sometimes the harsh comments is a sort of test. You can either cower in the corner, cry and lament about how amoki had critised you until you are so unworthy, and never venture at the forum again because you want to preserve your self-image (until the day that story is published and you receive your first bombshell critism) ; or you say to yourself "right. I have a lot to learn. Let see what can I learn." and ask why amoki says that, then correct yourself , and move on. Most of the time, after the author resurface, I'll go soft
 
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