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  01:14:15  5 June 2004
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snared_gambit
(Novice)
 
On forum: 06/05/2004
Messages: 2
My entry

Sorry, I'm a n00b who doesn't know what I'm doing here. Do I post my story here to have it entered, or do I email it to the dev team? Thanks for any help. Here's my story:

The rain pattered down, creating a cacophony of noise in the Zone. Nearly every living thing but humans had suddenly left its hiding place in the open and moved for shelter of some kind. A herd of rats scurried through the dirt streets as Josef looked through his binoculars to the north, into the small village. It only had four buildings, but it needed to be searched. Josef methodically shouldered his AK-74. It was a thing of pride for him, having picked it off of the body of a soldier he had eliminated three months ago with his Beretta. The rifle was in pristine working condition, and Josef had fourteen full thirty round magazines in his pack for it. His Beretta was in a holster strapped to his leg, a gentle reminder of his old days in the military.
He stepped onto a rickety old bridge over the small creek running next to the village. As he walked over it, he glanced into the water. Rats had fallen into it.
  05:27:12  5 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
The rain pattered down, creating a cacophony of noise in the Zone. Nearly every living thing but humans had suddenly left its hiding place in the open and moved for shelter of some kind. A herd of rats scurried through the dirt streets as Josef looked through his binoculars to the north, into the small village. It only had four buildings, but it needed to be searched. Josef methodically shouldered his AK-74. It was a thing of pride for him, having picked it off of the body of a soldier he had eliminated three months ago with his Beretta. The rifle was in pristine working condition, and Josef had fourteen full thirty round magazines in his pack for it. His Beretta was in a holster strapped to his leg, a gentle reminder of his old days in the military.

He stepped onto a rickety old bridge over the small creek running next to the village. As he walked over it, he glanced into the water. Rats had fallen into it.
  05:29:52  5 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I reedited your story to look better, and easier to read.

You need to send it to the dev, the email is in the website. Of course, you need a title...
  06:24:47  5 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
not bad, but isn't it unfinish?
  07:18:23  5 June 2004
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Viandeli_BE
(Novice)
 
On forum: 05/31/2004
Messages: 19
good story, but could you continue it ?
  21:55:30  5 June 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
06/05/2004 21:57:58
Messages: 1729
Well, if you want, I can help you to edit this stuff and forward it back to you so you can sent it to the dev (not by me, GSC will record your entry with my email-address, which they should have ten by the way) onto the "appropate" format then can ensure your entry to be receive even though it is way past the deadline. Just sent it to amoki86@hotmail.com And don't worry, I don't need to chop off your story, I already have five stories (ten peices) if you really want to know.

Here is something you can work on though:
1) characterization. Since you are a nOOb, I am going to tell you that I had read all the stories in the contest once (and made a list of the best in the forum). Basically, I see no differrence Josef and Panama Jack (HBW vs the Luchardion Zombies) or the Yuri(s) and sergey(s) or Alexei(s) out there, save that your Josef is ex-military. Put more details in him- why he leaved (or deserted maybe) the army. Why he came to te Zone. What is his personality. What Nationality was he. Of course, you don't need too much little deatils like what food does he likes or what cigarettes did he smoke though Basically, you need to give general details on your character so that your reader can go into your story. Also, you need to put in some more details on your "human factor". Fear, for example. did his heart thump? Did he grip his AK so hard that its barrel felt slippery? Was he cautious? Human factor includes feeling, thoughts, and emotion.

Note- readers don't need any "Return to Castle Wolfenstein" character anymore. The best stalker stories include this- purpose to Zone, purpose of (current) mission, identity, and thoughts (of course, expletives ). On purpose, we don't need something as broad as "eliminate the Uber-soldiers" or "Bring the Brotherhood of Nod to its knees". But I don't need to comment too much on this, since obviously you already have the character's purpose in the story in mind. Like- what's the purpose of the guy who helped Josef? I'm sure he is something more than a kind Samaritan, isn't he?

2)Setting- you too already got the imprint of the setting in mind, I know this. Yet you gave more or less a very general description of the place- no surrounding building and/or vegetation. Usually one sentence make a lot of difference between if there are trees or if the palce is a barren landscape. Don't go too detail though, until a point you invested a whole paragraph on the place Allow some room for the readers to imagine.

As a whole, not a bad story. You obviosly has some experience one or two stories, since you do allow your plot to express little by little, like whole you put air to escape from a ballon. Yet, we are still waiting for the ballon to go "bang!" Try put some refinement. usually, putting in some finer aspects does not require a lot of things, one or two or maybe half a page would do. Yet those half a page usually make the difference between you, me and everybody else.


Note- I have a history of being aggressive to newbies, so don't take it too hard. Remember, it's your story. Also, who knows maybe your a language proffessor and I, a normal high school student, end up having a farce because of this.
 
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