 10:53:43 10 May 2004 |
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
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Believe it or not, I read through your story. While I find it quite well done, I'm sure it isn't finish yet, is it? And it is quite odd how Tarnox and Derek know there was a priest in town when they never met. 
Great, independant Iraq War journalism: http://michaelyon.blogspot.com/
From the halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli'
We fight our countrys battles In the air', on land, and sea.
First to fight for right and freedom , And to keep our honor clean,
We are proud to claim the title Of United States Marines.
Our flags unfurl'd to every breeze From dawn to setting sun';
We have fought in every clime and place Where we could take a gun.
In the snow of far-off northern lands And in sunny tropic scenes,
You will find us always on the job - The United States Marines.
Here's health to you and to our Corps Which we are proud to serve;
In many a strife we've fought for life And never lost our nerve.
If the Army and the Navy Ever gaze on Heaven's scenes,
They will find the streets are guarded By United States Marines. - US Marines Hymn
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| 11:11:21 11 May 2004 |
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Kristophan
(Senior)
On forum: 12/10/2003
Messages: 120
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I think this is a good story on the whole.
It's safe to say you have the whole chase scene drenched in atmosphere and tension. It gives both a good sense of the situation and the environment (the bleakness of the city really comes across).
I did find the whole He's-embarased-cos-She-seen-his-willy thing a bit...childish/stupid/imature. They're both adult enough to go wander around in the zone. I think they could handle seing each other naked without embarasment. Especially given the situation. However, people are people and we all react differently to different things so there's no real problem with this.
While I don't have a problem with the ending, I do feel that the whole last section has been rushed and it misses out or skims over a lot of details that the reader could easily miss. I had to draw a few of my own conclusions (that may or may not be true in the authors mind) in order for the story to make a bit more sense in my mind.
On a personal note I get annoyed when people use technical terms without explaining them. In this case gun models.
"the two USP45 pistols" - this is fine, it tells the reader what a USP45 is.
However,...
"the cool metal barrel of his SVD" - so it has a barrel. Does it hold oil?
I don't know what a G36 is. It could be a bra for all I know.
It's a personal gripe, and if you're writing for a (very) specific audience then it's fine.
Good work.
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| 08:48:39 12 May 2004 |
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
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---QUOTATION---
I think this is a good story on the whole.
It's safe to say you have the whole chase scene drenched in atmosphere and tension. It gives both a good sense of the situation and the environment (the bleakness of the city really comes across).
I did find the whole He's-embarased-cos-She-seen-his-willy thing a bit...childish/stupid/imature. They're both adult enough to go wander around in the zone. I think they could handle seing each other naked without embarasment. Especially given the situation. However, people are people and we all react differently to different things so there's no real problem with this.
While I don't have a problem with the ending, I do feel that the whole last section has been rushed and it misses out or skims over a lot of details that the reader could easily miss. I had to draw a few of my own conclusions (that may or may not be true in the authors mind) in order for the story to make a bit more sense in my mind.
On a personal note I get annoyed when people use technical terms without explaining them. In this case gun models.
"the two USP45 pistols" - this is fine, it tells the reader what a USP45 is.
However,...
"the cool metal barrel of his SVD" - so it has a barrel. Does it hold oil?
I don't know what a G36 is. It could be a bra for all I know.
It's a personal gripe, and if you're writing for a (very) specific audience then it's fine.
Good work.
---END QUOTATION---
I see nothing wrong with that. That's characterization you see, Kristophan. Even someone like me would fell ashame when a girl sees that.
G36 is the current rifle in service with the German army, aside G3A3 assault rifle. It is also the kinetic module of the OICW rifle. It is a pretty good rifle, but you might want guys like X5060 to explain the guns.
Which brings me to the flaw. IT is not a submachinegun, Gris. IT is a freakin' assault rifle that packs one hell of a punch.
Also, using two pistol akimbo is usually only whaty you see in movies, particularly John Woo's. USing two pistol at the same time affects aiming badly, and eats your bullet. Normally people would only go for one sidearm. Bear that in mind.
Great, independant Iraq War journalism: http://michaelyon.blogspot.com/
From the halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli'
We fight our countrys battles In the air', on land, and sea.
First to fight for right and freedom , And to keep our honor clean,
We are proud to claim the title Of United States Marines.
Our flags unfurl'd to every breeze From dawn to setting sun';
We have fought in every clime and place Where we could take a gun.
In the snow of far-off northern lands And in sunny tropic scenes,
You will find us always on the job - The United States Marines.
Here's health to you and to our Corps Which we are proud to serve;
In many a strife we've fought for life And never lost our nerve.
If the Army and the Navy Ever gaze on Heaven's scenes,
They will find the streets are guarded By United States Marines. - US Marines Hymn
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| 08:21:10 13 May 2004 |
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
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---QUOTATION---
(This is not related to the story posted here)
Ohh comon, does every story have to have technical detail down to the very caliber of the bullet? Seriously though, sometimes I really get sick of people trying to show off their "gun know how" by expressing off a garble of nonsense instead of trying to concentrate on the bread and fruit of the story.
Brad centered the rear and front notch sights on his Kalashnikov model 1947 rifle and pulled the trigger blindly. The Mutant's head was split into two by the 7.62x39 rifle round, projected at 3000 feet a second, the Stalker thought it was in need to add more grains to the round in order to get maximum penetration and mushrooming power.
Seriously.. do we need anymore of that? Keep it basic and only use when its nessesary and not excessively, and then it would be all good.
---END QUOTATION---
No. I never said that is a must. However, com'on, M16 submachinegun? or UMP .45 machineguns? Stories do not need to have details as specific as your example, but at least the writer must posses general knowledge over the gun he plans to use in the game. Saying that AK-47 comes with a handle will surely throw your face into mud.
Lucky for Grisly, this is only something he did for fun 
Great, independant Iraq War journalism: http://michaelyon.blogspot.com/
From the halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli'
We fight our countrys battles In the air', on land, and sea.
First to fight for right and freedom , And to keep our honor clean,
We are proud to claim the title Of United States Marines.
Our flags unfurl'd to every breeze From dawn to setting sun';
We have fought in every clime and place Where we could take a gun.
In the snow of far-off northern lands And in sunny tropic scenes,
You will find us always on the job - The United States Marines.
Here's health to you and to our Corps Which we are proud to serve;
In many a strife we've fought for life And never lost our nerve.
If the Army and the Navy Ever gaze on Heaven's scenes,
They will find the streets are guarded By United States Marines. - US Marines Hymn
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| 23:45:33 13 May 2004 |
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Chansd5
(Senior)
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124
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Well certainly dosent look that way from the way you comment most stories. But whatever, Ill pass.
Love to the cool and the genuine people, the last real diplomats on earth.
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| 08:20:58 14 May 2004 |
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
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Like I said again, this is only a something Grisly done for fun. If it is in the contest, he'll probably get something short of a MOAB from me. I don't request the information that could only be take out from a book in the remote section of a library, but I do stress on good accurate information and logic. Most of the time, either the author just writes for fun or do his story withour proper planning and research. In most case, I'm right.
But Like I said again, since this is only done for fun, I don't stress on good accurate details of the story.
Great, independant Iraq War journalism: http://michaelyon.blogspot.com/
From the halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli'
We fight our countrys battles In the air', on land, and sea.
First to fight for right and freedom , And to keep our honor clean,
We are proud to claim the title Of United States Marines.
Our flags unfurl'd to every breeze From dawn to setting sun';
We have fought in every clime and place Where we could take a gun.
In the snow of far-off northern lands And in sunny tropic scenes,
You will find us always on the job - The United States Marines.
Here's health to you and to our Corps Which we are proud to serve;
In many a strife we've fought for life And never lost our nerve.
If the Army and the Navy Ever gaze on Heaven's scenes,
They will find the streets are guarded By United States Marines. - US Marines Hymn
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