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Crystalline Siblings

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  02:39:37  13 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
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On forum: 01/28/2004
 

Message edited by:
UltimaGecko
03/13/2004 2:42:45
Messages: 154
Crystalline Siblings

Okay, this is the beginning of my story. I'm not entirely sure if I should post it, as it has a distinct lack of action at the moment (although it does have some moderate comedy, heh.

There also may be grammarical mistakes, as I changed it from present to past case part way through (case changes during character introductions are purposeful though).

I'm also not sure if I want the character introduction how they are (advice on that would be nice)...it also seems slightly wordy to me, I was trying to be slightly secretive and ...[word I can't think of] at the beginning.

Tear it apart amoki . (the title's not really explained yet, just so you know)

[edit] bah, these are harder to read without indenting....pffft.

Crystalline Siblings 1

The stagnant evening air rustled gently as a figure dropped form a second story apartment window; another figure dropped down behind the first. They crouched down and slinked towards the street, their silhouettes hidden against the dark shadow of the soviet-era apartment block.
In stark contrast to these figures, two men wearing camouflage uniforms stood in the middle of a large field that stretches into the distance, surrounded on three sides by similar looking apartment flats. They carried heavy assault weapons, probably Kalishnikovs, and the profile of grenades and ammo pouches could be seen around their waists. One of them pointed towards the flat, the other made an agreeing nod. They crouched down slightly and slowly walked towards the flat.
The sound of boards and cans knocking together came from the concealed figures, one of them falls over a pile of rubble. The men in the field raised their weapons -
*Crack*, a single rifle shot pierced the air.
The sound echoed for a moment before both men in the field fall over limply and a slight breeze moved the motionless air. Blood flowed freely from the men in the field - from the temple of one man, and the neck of the other.
Alina Ivanovna Mirova lifted her head up from the scope and shouldered her rifle. She leaned out of the second story flat window, shouting to the figures below,
  06:24:24  13 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
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On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Hell, this is the good story I'm been waiting for! Damnit, if you give me the rest, I shall put you akin to the 20 top ten quality list in my verdict! better yet, I will be putting them within the 20. Why? your story did not lack characterization, in the same time manage to put in some description. Lack of action is (still, for now) not yet a big problem to me as this is only the introduction.

Too bad this is not the lamb I have been waiting for to tear it apart. but anyway, they couldbe some place you can improve-
1) This may be not a big issue, but... why a TOZ when you have a LR-300 assault rifle?
Also, a Dragunov doesn't give a 'crack' sound... you can hear the sound from "Ghost Recon', which was authentic enough.
2) You are the narrator. You do not use " probably Kalashnikov"
3) A G3 and MP5 in Ukraine? no, I don't think you can find this. Even if you can, I prefer a Groza to a G3 (long barrel, though good accuracy) and AKS-74U to MP5 (great power, though not as light) The two weapons we are speaking is expensive (after all, H&K quality) compared to Russian made.
4) Freedon fighting in Ukraine? you gotta be kidding man. You can ask Nauris Krauze if you want, but I don't think teh guys in CIS are really that violent (don't count in the mafias). IN 1988 (?), during the lithuanian crackdown, they did not even use weapons when the Alfa attacked the television tower. (check your history book). Ukraine will probably under the same stance.

But, hey, I'm looing forward to the rest.
  09:22:10  13 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
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On forum: 01/28/2004
Messages: 154
Crystalline Siblings 2

In response to amoki (for things which might seem strange
1. TOZ is sortof explained here, I figured he'd want a close range and long range weapon. Additionally, sorry about the Dragunov sound, while it is my favorite sniper rifle, I have never fired one. Also, I do have Ghost Recon, and did listen to it, but I can't think of a better adjective/verb combination for it, because it's like a thuuumak sound, except softer.

2. Kalishnikov, thanks, that was one of the weird...mistakeish things I did starting off, I was trying to be to clandestine with my intro's intro.

3. Schutzer has an MP-5 because he took it from a military base when he was in the army (don't ask me how he didn't get caught, maybe I'll make it a side story or something. I know they're rare, but their ammo is 9x19 para, so it should be fairly cheap (it can also take other types, but 9x19 is common). That's the only reason he has it, he didn't buy it in the Zone...maybe I should clarify that more

4. Think I fixed that in the word document...maybe I'll edit it here later. I'm fairly sure Romania and Estonia and stuff didn't really have a rebellion either. I was sortof trying to make it look like he went around the soviet bloc looking for freedom fighting groups or something, but that's retarded, so discard it.

This part is significantly more violent than the last part (and also features more coarse language...but still not much, I don't think swears add much). I just hope I've maintained a decent amount of character development.

I figured the intro was fairly good, but this I'm not quite as sure about...I was never good with action description in my AvP fan-fiction so...maybe I've improved ...or maybe not ...either way, I give you the second part (hopefully I can finish soon, because the sooner it's totally finished the better chance of actually coaxing it into the contest exists):



(nope, title's not explained yet, although, I'm thinking I might want to go a different way...haven't decided yet)

Crystalline Siblings 2

The first soft boom of thunder sounded out around three in the morning, awakening Alina Ivanovna. Spending years with her grandfather and learning all his tricks as a World War 2 sniper keened her senses. Through the rustling of leaves and the boom of thunder she could hear a distinct shuffling sound, as if something were being dragged across the ground in short jerks.
Through the 5th floor window she could see the flat on the opposing side of the field, and noticed it was beginning to drizzle. She stood up to go to the window when a loud crash and the sound of breaking glass came up from the first floor. She grabbed her Dragunov, lightly tapped Erwin and Sergey with her foot to get them up, and went to the window. Staring out the window she waited for the next flash of lighting.
And she saw them, zombies, all over the courtyard
  01:20:58  14 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729


Just wondering why you used a TOZ hunting rifle instead of a Saiga 12K auto shotgun (Russian Made) , if you are going close quarters. A TOZ can only fire two shells before reload, and that's not the way you're gonna do close combat, are you?

Anyway, still like your story so far, since you still have 1)charaterization 2) dialogue, conversatiobn, 3) thoughts, 4) no bloodlust killer scenario and finally 5) realistic got-shot experience. Waiting to see how it end. But do make the ending related to the title, would you?
  08:21:06  14 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
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On forum: 01/28/2004
 

Message edited by:
UltimaGecko
03/14/2004 8:23:12
Messages: 154
Part 3...

Well here's the next part. I was thinking, I could end it soon, and give it a new title...or I could go with my original, fairly long story. I'm not sure which to do...as it stands it's about 15 pages in word right now...heh. What do you think I should do?

Hope it's not to boring to read.

I was thinking he spent all his money on the LR300 or something, so that he couldn't afford a good shotgun like a Saiga or a Spas (but that would be rare in Russia anyway, wouldn't it?). It also says on the site it's one of a Stalker's first weapons, so...maybe he's keeping it as a reminder or something (...but that's kind of dumb).

Hopefully none of it's overly mushy or anything.... :

(Kind of late for my self imposed 18 hour deadline...oh well I suppose)

Crystalline Siblings 3

It was around 4:30 now, the first hint of sunlight, though hidden by the clouds, was lighting up the sky. There was a light drizzle outside.
Erwin and Sergey came up the stairs to the fifth floor. They were greeted by a disaster. The cinder block wall had a gaping hole, and an additional hole in the ceiling allowed them look up to the sixth. Alina
  08:31:36  14 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Well, the shotgun stuff... you could have clarify a bit. But don't even try a SPAS-12 or 15, because they are jst too damn expensive too be bought by stalkers.

Anyway, befire I resign for the week, just tell you you'r still doing great . A little bit of advice is that use clipped sentence while describing fast pace action. It could help a lot.
  23:38:43  14 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
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On forum: 01/28/2004
 

Message edited by:
UltimaGecko
03/14/2004 23:40:42
Messages: 154

---QUOTATION---
Well, the shotgun stuff... you could have clarify a bit. But don't even try a SPAS-12 or 15, because they are jst too damn expensive too be bought by stalkers.

Anyway, befire I resign for the week, just tell you you'r still doing great . A little bit of advice is that use clipped sentence while describing fast pace action. It could help a lot.
---END QUOTATION---



I have to make a slight, departing from my story post:
As it stands, the story is 15 pages long (which is one of the longer things I've written, even in college (there was the 24 page paper, but it was a research paper, so pffft, it's supposed to be long).

Now, here's where I'd like some advice: I could end this story fairly quick and change the name to Reliable Siblings; or I could continue, with a substantially longer (I mean really longer, longer) and keep it with the initial intention of the story's title, Crystalline Siblings.

Or, I could just name it Reliable Siblings, and just make it one story of a multiple, splitting up the original (like Reliable Siblings: A Well Deserved Rest for what's here (and the next part, which would end it), and then Reliable Siblings: Crystalline Siblings (which would have to be the third part, as I haven't considered what the second part would be named).

I'd consider it to be really long already, So I was thinking of options 1 and 3...especially since you seem to be the only one reading this stuff, amoki (except there's 35 thread views, and around 18 or something are from you and me - unless you've clicked on it, stopped in the middle and began reading again or something). Nobody else comments on it...heh.

So it seems a bit long. Any advice on what I should do?
  02:30:50  16 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
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On forum: 01/28/2004
 

Message edited by:
UltimaGecko
03/16/2004 2:33:46
Messages: 154
Reliable Siblings 4

Okay, I managed to figure something out - sortof. This is both versions (one that would continue, and one that would end).

Areas that begin with [cut] and end with [/cut] would not be in the non-continuing version. Thus, the short version's name will now be Reliable Siblings, and I'm going to have to go back and edit all the titles (not like it's a lot of work, but I can't change the thread title). Mostly the cut points are dreams in this aspect...so they're pretty much just charcter development for a longer story (thus they're not all that important if it's just going to be a conclusion).

[edit] after reviewing the situation, I can't change their titles, so you'll just have to pretend.

This is by far the shortest part of the 4.

Reliable Siblings 4

It was covered in large rust spots, and a puddle had formed in a dent in the roof. It seemed to be in fairly good condition for being at least twenty years old. Through a quick check Sergey Nikolaevich could see that it might run.
Adrenaline pulsed through his veins, he listened for signs of an ambush, tried to smell the hint of decaying flesh that might indicate a pack of blind dogs. The car sat in the middle of the road, its front tires were turned towards the office building. He tried the car
  21:02:29  18 March 2004
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UltimaGecko
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On forum: 01/28/2004
Messages: 154
Sent in the shortened version

So, there we go. Wish me luck. I've sent in a revised shortened version (if you call 17 pages short...). I just hope they accept it (even if it does say voting ends March 31st and will be picked in April.

  04:32:33  19 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Some how I feel your story lacked a little something... your story was sort of the NExt Big Thing I was waiting for, but... it seem crippled, especially your story have no interesting plot. I thought the journey did not stop at the hospital but then... since it is end finito, I don't think there's much you can do. But you did score a lot on your desciption, so... all the best, and let's hope Atem do open his mailbox after a good night sleep.

On what I have said- your story, from my perspective, had nothing to do with reliable or crystalline sibling. I don't know why you used the title, and I don't seem to understand any relationship between your plot and your title, because the relationaship is sort of the thing I zoom in before I start reading a story, because the correlation of a title and its plot will show the qualitty of my story. Pick the best example I have to offer:
1) The difference between you and me- not only the plot interests me at the most (the plot is almost the best I have seen so far, and its runner-up is Goodspeed.), but the title responded directly to the end of his part 2- "There's no difference between you and me.What matters is where we died or how" or something like that, which really rocked the storty
2) The inhuman condition- read it, and you'll undeerstand.
3) Kill or be killed- this one is directly clear- and its discription in the story amplifies it.

 
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