ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
Stephan

Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  18:05:52  10 March 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Fletch
(Novice)
 
On forum: 03/10/2005
Messages: 2
Stephan

Ello, ive been coming here reading the stories for quite a while and decided to make my own. Its just a short one so people can tell me where im going wrong to begin with. Enjoy

The clouds broke in the night sky above Stephan and the moonlight poured through, it was beautiful. Its dazzling light crafted strange shapes from the zone’s eerie landscape, painting shadows of crooked trees over the fields. No one can hide, he thought, he can see us all up there. A slight drizzle hung in the air after the downpours and it felt cool and pure. He rested a while, letting the rain collect on his face gently, washing away the dirt. A rustle through the tall grass bought his gaze back down to earth. His senses were acute and sharp, and they did not miss the squirrel’s passing, its large eyes reflecting the brilliance of the moon. He dare not look up again, ashamed. The reflection of his eyes would be distorted, tainted with images he’d seen. Death was everywhere in the zone, and he’d never gotten used to it. He saw again the decay and rot of dead families and animals, their rancid stench suffocating, drenching the air with putrid stinks that stung his eyes.

The headlights were a good kilometre away now. They had scared Stephan into quick hiding by the road. What an idiot he’d been. Having grown used to the loneliness of the zone over the months, he’d let himself get careless. He was yet to cross anyone else’s path here, but complacency will kill in such a place. He’d been careful so far to keep a low profile, and the near miss served as a reminder to how easily he could be compromised.

He bought out his map and studied his surroundings as best he could. The small road ahead wasn’t marked. Too new or small to be on his map, and again he cursed his foolishness and thanked his luck, praying it would last until he’d gotten out of the zone. Having made sure it was clear to cross, he carried himself as quickly and lightly as he could over the 3 meter girth of the road. It was especially quiet tonight and he had no intentions of being heard. His black overalls served to keep him hidden in the shadows and he moved from one to another. He bought out his map and compass again, shaking the compass to charge the needle. Glancing up absent mindedly at the stars, a smile came to his face. He saw ahead of him the Ursa Minor constellation and the Polaris – the North Star, to which it pointed. He quickly pocketed his map, and thanked God for the countless ways which he guided him.

Stephan’s athletic body broke into its familiar rhythm. His pace was unrelenting and his small figure ran gently over the grassy plains that make up the zone. Moving mostly at night, depending on the ground conditions he could cover varying distances very quickly. His feet played a rhythm on the ground beneath him, lulling his mind into deep thoughts and dreams. He remembered his dog, Cai which died from drinking some bad water. He thought about emptying the same water from his canteen, and how his dog had saved his life. There was no way he was going to let Cai be eaten or rot away like any other corpse, left to litter the zone. So he was buried, looking once again as if he was asleep by the fire at home. Tears had welled in his eyes and he didn’t hold them back.

A sudden scream halted Stephan in his tracks. He had come to the borders of a thick forest, its dense canopy blocking the moonlight. Ahead he scarcely made out a young boy crouching, his face in his hands. He was wailing unanswered, crying out for his father’s dead body to wake up. Stupid boy! He’s dead, cant you see! He’s dead! – The crying persisted, the wailing grew louder. The noise was all around him now; it was such a quiet night.
“Shut up! Someone will hear you!” “Stop crying damnit!” Stephan pleaded.
The boy eventually turned and came into the light. Stephan saw his own face looking back, his face as it was ten years ago. Cold sweat poured down the back of his neck. Blue eyes poured tears down the young boy’s pale cheeks, a tender reflection of the man that looked down upon him in disbelief.
The boy screamed in Stephan’s voice “Why is he dead! Can’t you see he’s dead?! What did you do to him?!”
“I..”
“We have to go, and he won’t get up! What did you do to him!” his voice was determined.
“I..! Nothing! Get away from me!” The cold shivers grew down his back, he started to shake violently. The taste of vomit came to his mouth and his head reeled.
Suddenly a thunderous bang echoed through the valley. Birds were sent flying and rats scurried through the brushes. A howl answered in the distance. Stephan looked down at the smoking Makarov in his hand, dreading what he’d done. The boy and his father were nowhere to be seen.

A gust of cold wind bought him abruptly back to the harsh reality. He dreamt of his father every night, but not like this. The shot still rang in his ears as he looked around nervously for anyone who had heard. Someone must have heard. He wished he could be as small as the squirrel as the moonlight felt brighter than ever.
  06:10:10  12 March 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
03/12/2005 9:29:04
Messages: 1729
Don't really get what your story is about. No offense, but I really don't the focus of your story. There's nothing plot-wise, that's why your focus is the most important thing here. Your focus should be the the boy-Stephan relationship, but your story winded up to a point we're pretty confused by what's going on... and you did not clear off any loose strings. It seemed pretty open-ended on my part. Your character's, Stephan's, motivation is especially dubious. What would he kill the kid anyway, he could have run away instead of shooting to shut the kid up. And what the hell was he there?

You pretty much did well on the rest - your description of the background is excellent, especially this part: "He wished he could be as small as the squirrel as the moonlight felt brighter than ever." However, plot and characterization is no substitute for style.

If you want to, try this story in the STALKER contest: "Kill or be killed". Try comparing your story to this one, as I see plenty of similarity on both works. Except for the fact that the mentioned work has a clearer focus on what the story is about.

Would love to see more though. Keep up the work. And bear in mind these are only my opinions.
  11:21:48  12 March 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Fletch
(Novice)
 
On forum: 03/10/2005
 

Message edited by:
Fletch
03/12/2005 11:22:51
Messages: 2
Im focusing more on introducing the character here rather that building a plot. Theres no actual boy there, he's dreaming again about his fathers death thats why he's seeing himself. This might not be clear in the story though, so i'll try and develop it. Thanks for the comments.
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2021 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.