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Another story: Monday all week

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  19:00:11  9 February 2005
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shakazed
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/09/2005
Messages: 5
Another story: Monday all week

Monday all week


- Hey! Wake up sleeping beauty!
That voice, who was it? It was a Russian accent. Jonathan struggled to open his eyes. His sight was blurry but he could distinguish the shape of a body in front of him. He was lying on his back, and he was cold.
- There you go! Man, I thought you would become a problem, wouldn´t want to drag you around all day.
Jonathan heard a constant swooshing noise. That´s when he realized he was in a helicopter. The shape in front of him started to clear up. It was a bearded man. Jonathan kept steering at the shape until the blur was completely gone. The man looked like he was in his late fourties. He was dressed in a green military outfit and had a huge scar over his forehead. He smiled and turned his face.
- Hey Ivan! Looks like princess here woke up. Do we have time to drop him of?
- In this weather? No way! I´m not going anywhere else than I´m ordered.
The voice sounded young.
“I´m sorry my friend. I guess you have to come with us. You are lucky we found you, or you would have become dog chow before the end of the day.” The bearded man said.
- Where... Jonathan halted.
Where did you find me? He asked.
- A bit outside the sarcophagus. I have no idea why you people insist on going there.”
- They have a death wish, what else could it be?” An unknown voice said. It spoke with a Russian dialect.
Jonathan looked up. There sat a man with dark hair on the bench on the opposite side of the chopper. He was holding a cigarette in his left hand and a gun in his right.
- Isn´t it so? Graverobber. The man asked.
Jonathan didn´t answer. Instead he pulled himself up on the bench which he was lying next to.
- Now, now Gregor, we all are just trying to make a living. And I hear making a living of the not-so-living can be quite profitable yes?
Jonathan looked away, out through a small window. Outside it was gray, it had been raining. He tried to remember how he had gotten to this place. Not only the helicopter, but this hellhole. He looked at his clothing, he didn´t wear a military outfit like his new “friends”. He had a pair of jeans, a brown skin jacket and a couple of hiking boots on.
- Where are we going? Jonathan asked the bearded man.
- I´m sorry my friend, I can´t tell you. He laughed out.
Jonathan turned his face against the window again, trying to spot some landmarks. The weather made it impossible to anything further than ten meters in front of him.
Jonathan couldn´t remember anything that had happened the past months. A sudden flashback struck him, something about being in a hotelroom, but he wasn´t alone. He wasn´t married and had no kids. A hooker maybe? He smiled thinking about it. No, that wasn´t the type of person he was. His thoughts where interrupted by a sudden shock. The helicopter started to tremble.
- What the hell is wrong with you Ivan? The bearded man shouted. But there was no response.
Gregor started to laugh.
- Piotr! Tell him to stop jerking of for heaven´s sake.
The chopper started to shake even worse. Gregor´s face turned serious.
Piotr, as the bearded man apparently was named started to move against the cockpit, clinging to the walls.
When he reached the opening to the cockpit Ivan was nowhere to be seen. Desperately he looked around, there was no sign of him, and no damage to the chopper se he could not have been thrown out.
- Ivan is gone! Piotr screamed.
- What the hell do you mean gone? Gregor shouted back.
- He is not here that’s what I’m telling you. There’s no one steering the chopper.
Jonathan’s heart started to race. What ever had happened to him before it must’ve been better than this. He was going to die without knowing why.
- Gregor’s face was pale and he pushed his back against the wall.
It felt like Jonathan’s stomach was in his throat as the helicopter plummeted downwards. His head started to spin and suddenly everything went black.

The smell of smoke…
Something brushed against Jonathans face. He opened his eyes, sat up and looked around. The ground around him was scattered with debris. Maybe five meters in front of him the helicopter blades where still spinning, slowly. The others where nowhere to be seen. He rose up. Next to him was a weapon. A pistol. He recognized it somehow and picked it up. It felt natural to hold the gun, like he was accustomed to it. He rummaged through the debris for a while. There he found a gasmask and two field bottles with water. He took it all and moved out to what he thought was west. Not far from the crash site was a barn. It looked deserted, but in precaution Jonathan pulled the gun. He ran over an open field against the barn. When he reached the wall he slowly started to move against the entrance. It was a small wooden door that looked like it could break down any time. It was ajar and Jonathan slowly pushed it open with his gun. In a second somebody inside the barn took hold of his gun and pulled him inside and down on his back.
It was Piotr.
- My friend. You…you are alive. He said.
- Yeah, at least I think I am. Jonathan said rising to his feet.
- I’m sorry about that, but I thought you where Gregor.
- Gregor, why are you afraid of him?
Piotr looked out through the door crack verifying no one was following Jonathan.
- Well I guess under the circumstances I can tell you. Gregor was my prisoner. He was once a lieutenant under my command, until he thought it more profitable to go against me.
- Against you? Jonathan asked.
- Yes. He decided he could make more money by collecting the artifacts scattered in this area, using military means. He was running his operation for a couple of months before we noticed anything and could apprehend him.
Jonathan looked at Piotr.
- So. Are you going to give me my gun back? He asked.
Piotr smiled and handed it over.
- Do you have a plan? It’ll soon be night and then those damn tentacle faces start appearing. Jonathan continued.

- We have to move towards the sarcophagus. It was there we caught Gregor the first time, during one of his scavenging raids. He will probably go back to finish what he started. Piotr replied.

- And then? How are we going to get out of here without any means of transportation and with a prisoner?

Jonathan asked somewhat disturbed of the fact that he was thrown into a matter he had nothing to do with. But he also knew that if he went on alone, he would get killed.

- If we are lucky Gregor´s truck is still there and we can use it to get the hell out of here.

Jonathan nodded and went to look out trough the door crack. The clouds where gray but the rain had stopped some time ago.

- Well, we better move then. He said to Piotr.

And so they left their shelter. Passing the field outside and into the tree line not far away. The woods where dark and suspicious sounds where heard from every direction. Luckily they made it through without encountering a single living being, still Jonathan couldn’t loose the feeling that someone or something was stalking them.
On the other side of the woods was the huge field where the great explosion had occurred six years earlier. Not much was seen by now, the sun was setting and darkness covered the surroundings. They stopped halfway to the concrete and steel coffin that covered what was once Kiev’s primary power source.
Piotr pulled out a couple of binoculars and started to scan the area. He saw nothing moving near the plant, though he knew something could still be there, lurking in the shadows.
- We should be able to at least get the truck. If we can get back to the base I can return with reinforcements and extract Gregor later. If he’s still alive that is.
Jonathan didn’t respond, he was thinking of how funny the situation was. He couldn’t remember anything and was in the middle of hell hunting a man he didn’t know anything about. It could just as well be Piotr who was the criminal. But he couldn’t afford distrust, not now.
They continued and reached the fence surrounding the plant. The place was dead silent. Not a man, animal or anything else seen anywhere.
- It looks kind of empty don’t you think Piotr? Jonathan asked with a mocking voice.
- I said he probably would be here, I wasn’t sure. Let’s just find the truck and get the hell out of here.
At that instant the sound of an engine roaring was heard from the other side of the plant.
-The truck! Piotr said.
They started running towards the sound. Passing the corner of the fence they was met by the headlights of a huge vehicle. It was aiming straight towards them and just as they halted it started to move forwards. They couldn’t see anyone at the driver’s seat. But that was their least concern at the moment.

-Run! Piotr screamed, turned around and started to run.

Jonathan thinking that was a good idea and followed his companion.
Piotr was fast though he was quite a large man, he kept even steps with Jonathan who both was younger and smaller. Jonathan turned around noticing the raging truck being just behind him. As he turned his face in the direction he was running, Piotr was gone. He looked to his left and right but there was nothing there. Now he could almost feel the bumper in his back. In front him the lights from the vehicle revealed something that looked like a shimmering. And in a second he ran straight into it. Everything darkened…

-Hey! Wake up sleeping beauty!
That voice, who was it?
  18:36:47  13 February 2005
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
 

Message edited by:
GrislySilence
02/13/2005 18:37:03
Messages: 168
Well, there are a few interesting parts in this story, but it could use a lot of revision.

First, the military would not have rescued the main character. As far as they're concerned, anyone in the zone is a criminal. They would have just left him down there. And the fact that they found him just outside of the sarchophagus...without a radiation suit or any sort of protection is more than a little improbable.

And if they're taking this Gregor guy to trial for smuggling artifacts, why haven't they restrained him? Why haven't they restrained the main character? Later on, Piotr is hiding from Gregor because he's this criminal, but he gladly hands the main character his gun back, despite the fact that he is in the same business as Gregor.

On the other hand, your dialogue is pretty good, and the people disappearing is pretty interesting as well. It's really too short to make any comments on plot, so I'll ignore it until I read more.

All-in-all, I think this story could have used more revision mainly in the logic category, because many of the things don't seem to happen for any apparent reason. Fix this, and you'll be fixing the largest problem with your story.

Anyway, good luck on the next part!
  11:40:07  14 February 2005
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shakazed
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/09/2005
Messages: 5

---QUOTATION---
Well, there are a few interesting parts in this story, but it could use a lot of revision.

First, the military would not have rescued the main character. As far as they're concerned, anyone in the zone is a criminal. They would have just left him down there. And the fact that they found him just outside of the sarchophagus...without a radiation suit or any sort of protection is more than a little improbable.

And if they're taking this Gregor guy to trial for smuggling artifacts, why haven't they restrained him? Why haven't they restrained the main character? Later on, Piotr is hiding from Gregor because he's this criminal, but he gladly hands the main character his gun back, despite the fact that he is in the same business as Gregor.

On the other hand, your dialogue is pretty good, and the people disappearing is pretty interesting as well. It's really too short to make any comments on plot, so I'll ignore it until I read more.

All-in-all, I think this story could have used more revision mainly in the logic category, because many of the things don't seem to happen for any apparent reason. Fix this, and you'll be fixing the largest problem with your story.

Anyway, good luck on the next part!
---END QUOTATION---



Thanks for the comments. Some parts of the story does not make sense at the moment because the second part is coming and will explain all of that you´ve pointed out, except Gregor´s restraints..or the lack of. That´s something I will have to add.
Thanks again, I will probably get to finishing the story this week.
  20:29:56  15 February 2005
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
Cool. That's the only problem with posting up stories in parts; you can't really get a good grasp of the plot at first. I should know, because I submitted a 7-part story.
  17:50:52  16 February 2005
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Cll_of_War
(Senior)
 
On forum: 01/31/2005
Messages: 57
Good stuff
  20:35:47  16 February 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Cool. That's the only problem with posting up stories in parts; you can't really get a good grasp of the plot at first. I should know, because I submitted a 7-part story.
---END QUOTATION---



Meh heh heh, Cheyenne boy
  23:41:36  17 February 2005
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
lol
 
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