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just a story...

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  00:44:18  3 January 2005
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jujubee
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/03/2005
Messages: 25
just a story...

hey I know I can't enter in the litarary contest but I was bord so I began to wright a story that I don't think is that good but may be you'll like it so I'll post it here....P.S> its not done

“How did it go?” asked a guard “Alright, but I just barely got before the blowout” replied the stalker closing a car door “well that’s good for you” said another opening the storm doors leading to the basement “Ya, well I’m really lucky” ”said the stalker sarcastically “Don’t listen to them Boris, come on I’ll buy you a drink” another guard said with a heavy Russian accent. “One way or another he always finds a way past guard duty” said the remaining guard “Ya, if Boris hadn’t came along he actually might have made it through this one” laughed the other stalker “Let me see, that’s one hour and twenty minutes” said the guard “A new record” “For a man with his attention span that’s an eternity” smiled the stalker. “Hey did you see that?” asked the stalker “no, what was it?” said the guard picking up a news paper and grunting at the printing date which was a month out of date, “A shine of light in that tree over there” replied the stalker gesturing over towards a tree in the distance “pixies?” said the guard humorously peeking up from the paper. “I’m serious” said the stalker “I saw some thing over there” “sure you did, sure you did” said the guard standing up and patting the stalker on the back and trying his best to sound comforting.


“What do you see?” said a voice from below “There are two of them, one with an AK” said Smith jumping down from a branch. “So what’s the plan this time?” asked Johnson “Dunno, I was hoping you had one” Replied Smith picking up his gun. “We could storm them with a head on assault” said Johnson shrugging “Ya and be pumped full of lead when the others come up, come on think” Smith said somewhat annoyed “Hey you never said it had to be a good idea” said Johnson franticly trying to light a match before giving up and tossing it on the ground. “Come on let’s go and make camp for the night we and sleep on what were going to do” said Johnson picking up his binoculars. “Ok” said Smith “Just give me a second”.
  01:49:19  3 January 2005
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
You'd probably be better off posting this in the Literary Contest Forum.
  11:28:21  3 January 2005
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jujubee
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/03/2005
Messages: 25

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You'd probably be better off posting this in the Literary Contest Forum.
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ok thanks
  06:39:52  7 January 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I'll probably reserve my right to comment after I've seen much, but for starters - how do you think of a Russian guard (if they are well-educated enough to speak English they would have chose another job ) who speak to a Mr.Smith (persumably an English speaker), if they were supposed to be enemies in the game world?

But keep up the work, you can count on me to review your story
  02:15:35  4 February 2005
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beowulfstalker
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/25/2004
Messages: 78
u can deffinateley hope that Amoki doesn't rip your head off, the first story
  06:37:59  4 February 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
u can deffinateley hope that Amoki doesn't rip your head off, the first story
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Meh heh heh How come I'm always synonomous with Monsieur Death?
  08:57:38  5 February 2005
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doggydog
Tripping on waste
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 03/06/2004
Messages: 1524

---QUOTATION---
Meh heh heh How come I'm always synonomous with Monsieur Death?
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You don't like poorly spaced stories after all.
  07:38:28  6 February 2005
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
Interesting so far. You should space your dialogue out into different paragraphs for readability, but I like the dialogue so far. Not much else here, so I'll also have to reserve judgement.
 
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