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Cascade Part one

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  15:22:12  6 October 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
10/06/2004 18:36:28
Messages: 20
Cascade Part one

This is my newest story.hope you like it.
more parts coming up if people like it.
so you better like it!




Cascade Part One


Your life flashing by...........

What the hell went wrong......................

how did it come to this................

It all started a 7 years ago. sunny day, warm, people walking around doing the usual things,shopping, children playing. Out of nowhere comes an all destroying flash. Waking up in a bed. Seems to be a hospital. Stunned. You hear a voice.

A woman.

"How are you feeling?"

cant speak.

"I know you cant reply just nod if your feeling ok."

I nod.

"I know what you are thinking, your lucky you know?."

you wonder what she means.

"Sorry, you probably have no idea what happened."

Still confused

"Let me explain........" thats when I heard the horrors that ruined my life.

She told me about a disaster. The reactor had a major melt down through unknown means. Everybody I loved was dead. I was the only one left from my town, everyone burned alive. T

hen she told me "I am sorry you wil never speak or see again."

But I could see. I was blind but i could see anyway.

I asked for a mirror. When i looked into it i saw my eyes where white. When i told the nurse i could see she said it was impossible.

That evening the soldiers came and took me away.........



That was 7 years ago.

Everything changed. I changed in that single fatal moment.

The army said that i was mutaded and could not return to a normal life. They gave me a choice. Die or join them and enter the region of my former home.

Now I am in the Zone. I have been working for them for 7 years, collecting samples, assasinating, staying alive. My mutation was simple, I could see with my mind, somehow. This gave me a major advantige, I can see everything 360o and coordinate my hands perfectly. I can theoritically kill someone with a peanut. They gave me guns instead. the blast also hurt me. It took my voice and poisened me. I sometimes had dreams, horrible dreams. When i woke up. I felt true pain.

Everything went wel until 2 days ago. They gave me a partner. said his name was Barkoff, Cornel Barkoff.

He Was heavly trained and had been in the zone for a few long streches. Our mission was to track down and kill a group of rogue soldiers. We went of into the zone.

End part 1
  18:31:57  6 October 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124
Not bad at all for an intro, Mutated Main Character .

But this dosen't show anything about the story or any content, Keep writing this, as this has a potentially interesting character and could turn into a great tale.

Remember to keep it fresh and intelligent, and good luck with writing!
  18:53:00  6 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
reedited and spell-checked, didn't go for tenses as only perverts focues on tenses of the story instead of the whole of the story.

I find the idea very interesting, not really a lot to review about, but I think it has potential.
  22:02:07  6 October 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
10/07/2004 4:11:11
Messages: 20
Part Two

Cascade Part Two

Walking in a field. High grass. Anything could be under there.

Barkoff could see that I was tense.

"Relax man this is going to be a walk in the park."

Yeah right. The zone is never a walk in the park.

It was getting dark and we decided to set up camp, Barkoff wanted to make a fire, but I made it clear that I didnt want a fire, if you want to die in the zone all you have to do is make a fire to attract the dogs.

We made a perimiter of sound detectors and aggreed to take 2 our shifts.

Next morning. I felt the warm sun in my face.

I opened my eyes (my mind) and marveled at the beauty of the zone. Its decieving.
Then I noticed Barkoff was missing. Confused. Where could he be?

Then I realised that I never had a shift.

Strange. I heared shots in the distance.

Grab gun, run. When I arrived at the location of the shots i see Barkoff standing there, There was a house (empty) some grass at the edge of a forest.

Barkoff was bending over a body. He explaines his actions "This guy was trying to steal our supply's, so I shot him. A stalker I guess."

I approached the body and saw that he was shot in the head with a high calibur bullit. Barkoff's Desert Eagle 50. With Hollow points.

Small entry, large exit. He was shot in the back of the head, no more face.
"This guy had some good gear. chek it, Night Goggles." Barkoff Smiles "What a great morning."

Whatever.

End part 2
  22:04:14  6 October 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
Messages: 20

---QUOTATION---
Part Two
When I arrived at the location of the shots i see barkoff standing there, There was a house (empty) some grass at the edge of a forest.

End part 2
---END QUOTATION---



Is When i Arrove.......................... I saw

(its getting late and i am getting tired)
  04:18:17  7 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Wilmer, your story is seemingly better than the last work of yours, good job. But you really need to put in some substance. By this, I mean you should pour in ANYTHING to make your story longer - dialogue, thoughts, swears, curse, anything. Just like in cooking, most of the times the more you put in, the tastier your food is going to be. Well, except if you put something wrong in it, like rat poison It never really hurts to extend the story a wee bit.
  05:40:24  7 October 2004
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IceShade
Tactical Ignorance
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 04/05/2004
Messages: 1037
IMO, this is quite the introduction. Short, compact, but really.. interesting.

I don't think you need to fill the whole part up with dialogue, but hey, what do I know?
  07:24:15  8 October 2004
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SkyDweller
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/01/2004
Messages: 41
Not bad for beginning, original style, original idea.

But why the guy with 360 mind vision needs mirror?
  09:03:11  9 October 2004
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Wilmer Donkor
(Novice)
 
On forum: 02/18/2004
Messages: 20

---QUOTATION---

But why the guy with 360 mind vision needs mirror?
---END QUOTATION---



Because its still coming from his head so his vision is not coming from just in front of his head.
  07:44:58  12 October 2004
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SkyDweller
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/01/2004
Messages: 41
Well, I'm a sci-fi freak, so I may be nagging at such stuff, but...

Eye projects incoming light through pupil on retina, similar to photo or videocamera (through lens on film or light sensitive matrix).

So if the guy has 360 mind vision, it must be based on some very different principle.

I think this would look good:
I asked for a mirror. When i looked into it i saw my eyes where white. Then i understood that I dont need a mirror. I could see in all directions simulataneously, ....
 
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