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A complex secret

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  13:37:08  12 August 2004
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wired1
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/12/2004
 

Message edited by:
wired1
08/12/2004 19:40:23
Messages: 5
A complex secret

I really really would like to have participated in the literary contest, but since i just discovered S.T.A.L.K.E.R and it seems handing in contributions to the contest is over, then hmm doh..well i ll just post my story anyway. Its kinda of jumpy and sketchy at times and i probably should have spent some more time on it (there is maybe also a few spelling errors).

if it in some way is still possible to participate in the contest, then by all means let me know about it.

Feel free To comment on the story in anyway you see fit. I wont fly into rage if someone writes negatively about it


Here goes

A complex Secret


Mikail Durbanov looked over his shoulder as if something was haunting him in his mind,'arent we suppose to be there soon' the voice came from him,'i thought u knew this place as the back of your hand'.
Sergei Asimov, answered in a low tone,'I know this place better than anyone else, but it changes all the time, nothing is for certain. So we must be carefull, but we ll be there soon, dont worry, you'll see the inside of the complex soon'.

The two allies moved slowly ahead through the forest, which more or less looked and felt like something out of a nightmare and in the past two weeks at least one of them had learned that it really was nightmare and a never ending one apparently.
'We are close now, be silent'
the two men moved ahead without a noise and they could see the line of trees thinning out and becoming an area, where it seemed everything had been burnt to ashes, and yet still something seemed alive in an awry mockery of natures law, twisted figures of mutated trees and creatures suppose to not exist moved about in this nightmare zone. Mikail felt his skin crawl at the sight of this, something hit his brain a feeling of evil so pure that it almost tore his mind apart.
He felt Sergei's hand on his shoulder and heard the whisper,'i have seen this i dont know how many times now, but it still scares the shit out of me, now u know why i have been taking all those precautions on this journey'.
Precautions is an understatement Mikail thought to himself, first 2 weeks of hard physical training, then 2 weeks of learning how to blend in with nature and then 1 month of wandering around in the outskirts of the zone before Sergei felt Mikail was ready to be brought deep into the zone.
Actually Mikail had almost forgotten how they had meet, also it felt like it was years ago now and not really important and yet something was in the back of his mind gnawing at him like something was wrong and he couldnt really put his mind to what it was. It seemed that the last couple of months had flown away and it was like he only remembered the training he had received. Something was wrong and he knew it, he just couldnt figure out what it was.
They started to move out from the safety of the forest and into the open area where shelter wasnt exactly easily found if it should become necessary to seek it. Sergei signaled with hand movements that he should get his ass behind him and not make a sound.
both men had their handweapons ready, Sergei a pair of silenced Berettas with lasersight using armorpiercing rounds and Mikail a silenced uzi also modified to use armorpiercing rounds. Time and time again the money mikail had paid for the armorpiercing modifications had saved their lives in the past two weeks, so it was money well spent.
As they moved it was like the area noticed them and signaled for silence and all noises except an eerie humming sound disappeared.
Mikail felt a little sleepy as the humming in a weird way reminded him of how his mother brought him to sleep as a kid and he started to get drowsy at least until Sergei with a firm grip at his collar and a stare into his eyes tore him out of his little daydream, making sure he didnt fall asleep while walking.

Mikail had always been a loner, as a kid he thought about how things would be if he changed this or changed that, and he always played by himself, taking legs og flies with a knife, or tearing an ants head of to see if it would still walk.
As a young university student he had become fascinated with the thought of mind control and had started to find out everything he could about it and beginning to research into it. Though his research was quickly deemed weird and not needed and he was thrown out of university in disgrace.
He got a normal job after that, though in his sparetime he still continued his research as best as he could.
Though he couldnt quite remember what happened in his life from about the time the accident happened at Chernobyl and until the zone was created. He started to hear mysterious stories about humans being controlled and secret experiments being performed somewhere in the zone, and his thirst for knowledge was once again awoken. He travelled to the zone, but quickly realised that he couldnt do this on his own, he simply didnt have the skills or guts to do it by himself. So he hung around different bars, dealers, generally everywhere there was a possibility of meeting stalkers who could help him put together more information about what he was searching for(which he actually didnt know what was at that time).
Then in a dimly lit corner of a bar, one late evening, he noticed a shadowy figure he hadnt seen before, or maybe just not noticed, or maybe the person just didnt want to be noticed.
It was Sergei and he told Mikail that he had heard he was looking for a special place, and that he might be able to take him to such a place. Mikail was quick to agree, his thirst for knowledge being greater than his fear by know. Before they could go though, Sergei insisted that Mikail was trained so they had spent quite some time (actually a couple of months) making Mikail into quite a capable Stalker.

They came to a spot where there was, well a hole in the ground, Sergei pointed and they both went down, it was dark and they walked silently for a little while and then they heard a sound, they stood still.
waited and a squeky voice said 'sergei, is that u, who is the one with u, can he be trusted?'.
'Yes, dont worry i handpicked him'.
A weak light was turned on and a small white figure with quite a floppy belly came towards them.
'Sorry for not turning the light on more, but my eyes hurt when the light is to sharp'.
Mikail couldnt believe his eyes, was this thing human or animal or?
As if Sergei knew his thoughts,'its a mutant, one of the good ones though, he wont draw a knife or eat a chunk of your arm like most other mutants will'.
Both Sergei and the mutant laughed a bit at that comment, though Mikail couldnt really see what was funny about it.
'So when ll we be at the complex?'
'We ll go there tomorrow, we have to rest for now and eat something, Floppy is quite the cook, just dont ask what your eating'
Again Sergei and the mutant laughed.

After walking for a while through a narrow tunnel they at last came to what seemed to be and old basement of some sort, it was quite messy, but Mikail couldnt help noticing the wonderfull smell of food that was everywhere in the room. He began to look forward to eating something.
They dropped their equipment and sat down and Floppy quickly put something on the table which looked terrible but smelled wonderfull. So they dug in without further notice and indeed it tasted as well as it smelled.
Mikail felt very weird like something was returning to him and he couldnt quite put his finger on what it was, he also felt extremely sleepy, so he fell asleep at the table.

Mikail had a nightmare, a really bad one,u know one of those were something hunts you and you just dont know what it is,all you know is that it is big and scary and you have to outrun it to survive, and somehow your legs isnt working.

When he woke up he felt less rested than when he fell asleep, and all he really remembered from his dream was the whispers of his own doom. He quickly put on his gear and woke Sergei,'Lets go, i want to get moving fast'.
Sergei woke up and quickly put on his gear, woke Floppy and thanked him.
Mikail had already started moving out the way they came in, but Sergei stopped him,'we are not going that way, we are taking another tunnel out, it will bring us closer to where we are going with less trouble'.

They took a tunnel at the other end of the room and after about half an hour of walking they came to an opening and they went through. They came out on the side of a hill, and Sergei pointed to a structure about 5 km away,'we are going to there' and without another word they started moving down the hill towards the structure which couldnt quite be made out yet.
As they came to the foot of the hill they heard a mechanical noise and took cover in the long grass, something whizzled over their heads and tore into the hill, destroying the opening they came out of. Mikail waited for 5 minutes and carefully listened for suspicios sounds before he went up to a crouched position looking to his left, only to see that Sergei was gone. For a short moment his mind panicked, but then he calmed himself, this was the zone, if he panicked he would be dead within 2 minutes and Sergei had probably just creeped away to survey if there was danger ahead.

15 minutes later Sergei still hadnt returned, and Mikail decided to start moving on his own. He sneaked through the grass keeping a crouched position. His mind was racing, and he wondered what had happened, he didnt have to wonder for long, after walking a few hundred meters he came to an area that was clear of everything, it was almost like everything had disintegrated into nothing and disappeared. Here he found Sergeis guns, they were not even fired. Mikail knew Sergei's skills, and figured that if he had been taken out, it must have been something big, so he decided to not move through that area.
Mikail saw some trees and moved in that direction, weapons drawn. He didnt feel safe anymore and he was increasingly paranoid. As he came to the trees he heard the wizzing sound again and jumped flat on his stomach and watched in horror as something silvery tore into the trees chopping them in half. This time it didnt disappear though and in a flash it was over him, he panicked and fired his uzi into the shape until the clip was empty and he heard something fall on the ground close to him. There was silence. He changed the clip and moved to where he had heard something fall, and discovered something that looked similar to a dragonfly, but with a human torso and head, silvery metal wings and large sharp metal swords instead of hands. It seemed dead, but as he crept closer he noticed the chest was still moving, which meant it was still alive. He pointed the gun at the head and was ready to finish it off, its head turned and its eyes looked straight into his,'father' was its only words. He pulled the trigger and its head splattered into pulp.
He looked at the beast, feeling lost and weary, like this was only the beginning of a nightmare that would become far worse, and he had now lost the only one who knew a reasonably safe way to the complex.

He started off again, he knew if he didnt get to the complex before darkness he would probably be dead. It was kind of creepy walking alone through what was left of nature here, it almost seemed like the trees and vegetation was turned upside down as some sort of warning. He was getting closer to the buildings they had seen from the hillside, when he heard a sound and instantly took cover. He saw a flock of what can best be described as bionic ratdogs racing by, catching a lumbering walking shadow tearing it to pieces making high pitched screams as they do. Mikail put his hands to his ears, the sound was unbearable and he felt like screaming shut up, but he knew doing so would mean instant death. The sound had stopped,he peeked towards the rat things, they were sniffing like they had found a new scent to follow and quickly they took off right towards him, Mikail got up prepared to fight them, but they just ran right into him knocking him to the ground and continuing past him like he didnt exist making sounds that could almost sound like a scream for help or alarm. Mikail quickly realised that the only reason he wasnt dead was because something had scared them, and his next thought was that he should probably run to. But being knocked down he had lost his orientation and he ran towards what the rats fled from and he didnt realise this until it was to late. A huge lumbering monster stood right in front of him, it was remotely human, but with a twisted face that showed only rage and agony. Mikail wanted to scream, but his voice was lost because of fear, he wanted to run away, but his legs refused to move, he remembered his dream and recalled the whispers. He felt the monsters claws scratching his chest as its arms tried to grab him. He knew he would die and silently said a prayer and closed his eyes waiting for his doom, but nothing happened.
He opened his eyes, only to see Sergei standing with his boot on the dead monster,'come on' he said'there's only a few hundred meters now'.
There was no explanation to what had happened and how Sergei had survived only an intense feeling that he had to follow him.

After a little walk they came to a dome shaped building with no apparent door, Sergei kicked somewhere on it and an opening ocurred,'this is it, this is the complex, follow me'.
Mikail followed and could feel something deem on him, he remembered this place he had been here before, everywhere was empty labs, blood was splattered on the walls in some of them, computers were still beeping and whirring here and there. Mikail felt like his mind was being surpressed by somekind of control, like he wasnt exactly in his own free will anymore.
Mikail had unknowingly been standing still, and he noticed the lights were very dim, and he couldnt see or hear Sergei anymore. He walked slowly forward, his eyes becoming more acustomed to the dark, he found himself walking in a long hallway of what could only be described as one of horror, twisted forms of humans existence bent to become hideous forms of nightmarish proportions and at the end of the hallway a familiar figure stood and waited. Sergei dropped his coat and showed Mikail Durbanov just what he was. A man machine created out of scraps of human and computer parts, a freak that was no human and no robot, someone who wasnt here or there. Mikail could see that behind Sergei was countless tanks containing what seemed to be more Sergei's he remembered this.
Sergeis voice creeped into Mikail's brain and made his body shiver with fear as it slowly whispered it's message to him. 'Dont you remember me us, you created me us, made us this machine, made us all happen, you are to blame for all our suffering'

'I, I dont recall' but in his mind he already remembered the truth, he created these monsters in his thirst for knowledge, not caring for the conseqences or the impact it would have on the world or the monsters he created, these spawns of hellish creatures, mind controlling freaks of nature was all his work, all his doing. All he could think of was ending it all and he put the Uzi to his head knowing if he pulled the trigger his mind would be gone and if his mind was gone so would the voices in his head be.
Just before he pulled the trigger he heard their collective voices like a thousand needles piercing his mind 'we know now, we know how, we can always bring you back' and everything went black.

--------

A familiar face greeted him when he woke up,'Professor we thought we had lost you, welcome back to the living, how do you feel after 5 minutes in the land of the dead'.
'what date is it today?'.
'It's April 25'th 1986 and the time is 1:23am'
At that moment professor Mikail Durbanov fainted as a bright light slowly spread before his eyes he was never to come back among the living again, the last words from his nightmarish experience haunting him as he went into the land of the dead forever.....we know now, we know how, we can always bring you back.

-------

On April 25th -26th, 1986 the World's worst nuclear power accident occurred at Chernobyl in the former USSR (now Ukraine). The Chernobyl nuclear power plant located 80 miles north of Kiev had 4 reactors and whilst testing reactor number 4 numerous safety procedures were disregarded. At 1:23am the chain reaction in the reactor became out of control creating explosions and a fireball which blew off the reactor's heavy steel and concrete lid.

The Chernobyl accident killed more than 30 people immediately, and as a result of the high radiation levels in the surrounding 20-mile radius, more than 135,000 people had to be evacuated.
among those people killed were Professor Mikail Durbanov, a well known researcher into the areas of occultism and mindcontrol, and 4 assistants no one could explain what they were doing at the Chernobyl Nuclear plant and the russian government was quick to put a lid on the whole case.
  17:29:01  12 August 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
08/13/2004 5:11:48
Messages: 168
Because of the way the forum is, formatting doesn't translate correctly. Here is what your story should look like to be more legible (don't have time to read it yet, though):


A complex Secret


Mikail Durbanov looked over his shoulder as if something was haunting him in his mind,'arent we suppose to be there soon' the voice came from him,'i thought u knew this place as the back of your hand'.

Sergei Asimov, answered in a low tone,'I know this place better than anyone else, but it changes all the time, nothing is for certain. So we must be carefull, but we ll be there soon, dont worry, you'll see the inside of the complex soon'.

The two allies moved slowly ahead through the forest, which more or less looked and felt like something out of a nightmare and in the past two weeks at least one of them had learned that it really was nightmare and a never ending one apparently.

'We are close now, be silent'

the two men moved ahead without a noise and they could see the line of trees thinning out and becoming an area, where it seemed everything had been burnt to ashes, and yet still something seemed alive in an awry mockery of natures law, twisted figures of mutated trees and creatures suppose to not exist moved about in this nightmare zone. Mikail felt his skin crawl at the sight of this, something hit his brain a feeling of evil so pure that it almost tore his mind apart. He felt Sergei's hand on his shoulder and heard the whisper,'i have seen this i dont know how many times now, but it still scares the shit out of me, now u know why i have been taking all those precautions on this journey'. Precautions is an understatement Mikail thought to himself, first 2 weeks of hard physical training, then 2 weeks of learning how to blend in with nature and then 1 month of wandering around in the outskirts of the zone before Sergei felt Mikail was ready to be brought deep into the zone.

Actually Mikail had almost forgotten how they had meet, also it felt like it was years ago now and not really important and yet something was in the back of his mind gnawing at him like something was wrong and he couldnt really put his mind to what it was. It seemed that the last couple of months had flown away and it was like he only remembered the training he had received. Something was wrong and he knew it, he just couldnt figure out what it was.

They started to move out from the safety of the forest and into the open area where shelter wasnt exactly easily found if it should become necessary to seek it. Sergei signaled with hand movements that he should get his ass behind him and not make a sound.

both men had their handweapons ready, Sergei a pair of silenced Berettas with lasersight using armorpiercing rounds and Mikail a silenced uzi also modified to use armorpiercing rounds. Time and time again the money mikail had paid for the armorpiercing modifications had saved their lives in the past two weeks, so it was money well spent.

As they moved it was like the area noticed them and signaled for silence and all noises except an eerie humming sound disappeared. Mikail felt a little sleepy as the humming in a weird way reminded him of how his mother brought him to sleep as a kid and he started to get drowsy at least until Sergei with a firm grip at his collar and a stare into his eyes tore him out of his little daydream, making sure he didnt fall asleep while walking.

Mikail had always been a loner, as a kid he thought about how things would be if he changed this or changed that, and he always played by himself, taking legs og flies with a knife, or tearing an ants head of to see if it would still walk.

As a young university student he had become fascinated with the thought of mind control and had started to find out everything he could about it and beginning to research into it. Though his research was quickly deemed weird and not needed and he was thrown out of university in disgrace. He got a normal job after that, though in his sparetime he still continued his research as best as he could. Though he couldnt quite remember what happened in his life from about the time the accident happened at Chernobyl and until the zone was created, he started to hear mysterious stories about humans being controlled and secret experiments being performed somewhere in the zone, and his thirst for knowledge was once again awoken. He travelled to the zone, but quickly realised that he couldnt do this on his own, he simply didnt have the skills or guts to do it by himself. So he hung around different bars, dealers, generally everywhere there was a possibility of meeting stalkers who could help him put together more information about what he was searching for(which he actually didnt know what was at that time). Then in a dimly lit corner of a bar, one late evening, he noticed a shadowy figure he hadnt seen before, or maybe just not noticed, or maybe the person just didnt want to be noticed. It was Sergei and he told Mikail that he had heard he was looking for a special place, and that he might be able to take him to such a place. Mikail was quick to agree, his thirst for knowledge being greater than his fear by know. Before they could go though, Sergei insisted that Mikail was trained so they had spent quite some time (actually a couple of months) making Mikail into quite a capable Stalker.

They came to a spot where there was, well a hole in the ground, Sergei pointed and they both went down, it was dark and they walked silently for a little while and then they heard a sound, they stood still. waited and a squeky voice said 'sergei, is that u, who is the one with u, can he be trusted?'.

'Yes, dont worry i handpicked him'.

A weak light was turned on and a small white figure with quite a floppy belly came towards them.'Sorry for not turning the light on more, but my eyes hurt when the light is to sharp'.

Mikail couldnt believe his eyes, was this thing human or animal or?
As if Sergei knew his thoughts,'its a mutant, one of the good ones though, he wont draw a knife or eat a chunk of your arm like most other mutants will'.
Both Sergei and the mutant laughed a bit at that comment, though Mikail couldnt really see what was funny about it.

'So when ll we be at the complex?'

'We ll go there tomorrow, we have to rest for now and eat something, Floppy is quite the cook, just dont ask what your eating'
Again Sergei and the mutant laughed.

After walking for a while through a narrow tunnel they at last came to what seemed to be and old basement of some sort, it was quite messy, but Mikail couldnt help noticing the wonderfull smell of food that was everywhere in the room. He began to look forward to eating something.

They dropped their equipment and sat down and Floppy quickly put something on the table which looked terrible but smelled wonderfull. So they dug in without further notice and indeed it tasted as well as it smelled.

Mikail felt very weird like something was returning to him and he couldnt quite put his finger on what it was, he also felt extremely sleepy, so he fell asleep at the table.
Mikail had a nightmare, a really bad one,u know one of those were something hunts you and you just dont know what it is,all you know is that it is big and scary and you have to outrun it to survive, and somehow your legs isnt working.

When he woke up he felt less rested than when he fell asleep, and all he really remembered from his dream was the whispers of his own doom. He quickly put on his gear and woke Sergei,'Lets go, i want to get moving fast'.

Sergei woke up and quickly put on his gear, woke Floppy and thanked him.
Mikail had already started moving out the way they came in, but Sergei stopped him,'we are not going that way, we are taking another tunnel out, it will bring us closer to where we are going with less trouble'.

They took a tunnel at the other end of the room and after about half an hour of walking they came to an opening and they went through. They came out on the side of a hill, and Sergei pointed to a structure about 5 km away,'we are going to there' and without another word they started moving down the hill towards the structure which couldnt quite be made out yet.

As they came to the foot of the hill they heard a mechanical noise and took cover in the long grass, something whizzled over their heads and tore into the hill, destroying the opening they came out of. Mikail waited for 5 minutes and carefully listened for suspicios sounds before he went up to a crouched position looking to his left, only to see that Sergei was gone. For a short moment his mind panicked, but then he calmed himself, this was the zone, if he panicked he would be dead within 2 minutes and Sergei had probably just creeped away to survey if there was danger ahead.

15 minutes later Sergei still hadnt returned, and Mikail decided to start moving on his own. He sneaked through the grass keeping a crouched position. His mind was racing, and he wondered what had happened, he didnt have to wonder for long, after walking a few hundred meters he came to an area that was clear of everything, it was almost like everything had disintegrated into nothing and disappeared. Here he found Sergeis guns, they were not even fired. Mikail knew Sergei's skills, and figured that if he had been taken out, it must have been something big, so he decided to not move through that area.

Mikail saw some trees and moved in that direction, weapons drawn. He didnt feel safe anymore and he was increasingly paranoid. As he came to the trees he heard the wizzing sound again and jumped flat on his stomach and watched in horror as something silvery tore into the trees chopping them in half. This time it didnt disappear though and in a flash it was over him, he panicked and fired his uzi into the shape until the clip was empty and he heard something fall on the ground close to him. There was silence. He changed the clip and moved to where he had heard something fall, and discovered something that looked similar to a dragonfly, but with a human torso and head, silvery metal wings and large sharp metal swords instead of hands. It seemed dead, but as he crept closer he noticed the chest was still moving, which meant it was still alive. He pointed the gun at the head and was ready to finish it off, its head turned and its eyes looked straight into his,'father' was its only words. He pulled the trigger and its head splattered into pulp.

He looked at the beast, feeling lost and weary, like this was only the beginning of a nightmare that would become far worse, and he had now lost the only one who knew a reasonably safe way to the complex. He started off again, he knew if he didnt get to the complex before darkness he would probably be dead. It was kind of creepy walking alone through what was left of nature here, it almost seemed like the trees and vegetation was turned upside down as some sort of warning. He was getting closer to the buildings they had seen from the hillside, when he heard a sound and instantly took cover. He saw a flock of what can best be described as bionic ratdogs racing by, catching a lumbering walking shadow tearing it to pieces making high pitched screams as they do. Mikail put his hands to his ears, the sound was unbearable and he felt like screaming shut up, but he knew doing so would mean instant death. The sound had stopped,he peeked towards the rat things, they were sniffing like they had found a new scent to follow and quickly they took off right towards him, Mikail got up prepared to fight them, but they just ran right into him knocking him to the ground and continuing past him like he didnt exist making sounds that could almost sound like a scream for help or alarm. Mikail quickly realised that the only reason he wasnt dead was because something had scared them, and his next though was that he should probably run to. But being knocked down he had lost his orientation and he ran towards what the rats fled from and he didnt realise this until it was to late. A huge lumbering monster stood right in front of him, it was remotely human, but with a twisted face that showed only rage and agony. Mikail wanted to scream, but his voice was lost because of fear, he wanted to run away, but his legs refused to move, he remembered his dream and recalled the whispers. He felt the monsters claws scratching his chest as its arms tried to grab him. He knew he would die and silently said a prayer and closed his eyes waiting for his doom, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes, only to see Sergei standing with his boot on the dead monster,'come on' he said'there's only a few hundred meters now'. There was no explanation to what had happened and how Sergei had survived only an intense feeling that he had to follow him. After a little walk they came to a dome shaped building with no apparent door, Sergei kicked somewhere on it and an opening ocurred,'this is it, this is the complex, follow me'.

Mikail followed and could feel something deem on him, he remembered this place he had been here before, everywhere was empty labs, blood was splattered on the walls in some of them, computers were still beeping and whirring here and there. Mikail felt like his mind was being surpressed by somekind of control, like he wasnt exactly in his own free will anymore.

Mikail had unknowingly been standing still, and he noticed the lights were very dim, and he couldnt see or hear Sergei anymore. He walked slowly forward, his eyes becoming more acustomed to the dark, he found himself walking in a long hallway of what could only be described as one of horror, twisted forms of humans existence bent to become hideous forms of nightmarish proportions and at the end of the hallway a familiar figure stood and waited. Sergei dropped his coat and showed Mikail Durbanov just what he was. A man machine created out of scraps of human and computer parts, a freak that was no human and no robot, someone who wasnt here or there. Mikail could see that behind Sergei was countless tanks containing what seemed to be more Sergei's he remembered this. Sergeis voice creeped into Mikail's brain and made his body shiver with fear as it slowly whispered it's message to him. 'Dont you remember me us, you created me us, made us this machine, made us all happen, you are to blame for all our suffering'

'I, I dont recall' but in his mind he already remembered the truth, he created these monsters in his thirst for knowledge, not caring for the conseqences or the impact it would have on the world or the monsters he created, these spawns of hellish creatures, mind controlling freaks of nature was all his work, all his doing. All he could think of was ending it all and he put the Uzi to his head knowing if he pulled the trigger his mind would be gone and if his mind was gone so would the voices in his head be. Just before he pulled the trigger he heard their collective voices like a thousand needles piercing his mind 'we know now, we know how, we can always bring you back' and everything went black.

---------------------

A familiar face greeted him when he woke up,'Professor we thought we had lost you, welcome back to the living, how do you feel after 5 minutes in the land of the dead'.
'what date is it today?'.

'It's April 25'th 1986 and the time is 1:23am'
At that moment professor Mikail Durbanov fainted as a bright light slowly spread before his eyes he was never to come back among the living again, the last words from his nightmarish experience haunting him as he went into the land of the dead forever.....we know now, we know how, we can always bring you back.



On April 25th -26th, 1986 the World's worst nuclear power accident occurred at Chernobyl in the former USSR (now Ukraine). The Chernobyl nuclear power plant located 80 miles north of Kiev had 4 reactors and whilst testing reactor number 4 numerous safety procedures were disregarded. At 1:23am the chain reaction in the reactor became out of control creating explosions and a fireball which blew off the reactor's heavy steel and concrete lid.

The Chernobyl accident killed more than 30 people immediately, and as a result of the high radiation levels in the surrounding 20-mile radius, 135,00 people had to be evacuated.

among those people killed were Professor Mikail Durbanov, a well known researcher into the areas of occultism and mindcontrol , and 4 assistants no one could explain what they were doing at the Chernobyl Nuclear plant and the russian government was quick to put a lid on the whole case.

Edit: thanks Grisly! You have been promoted to Senior Resident, I think that you don't need to get to 150 post to be respected and do things a Senior Resident should do
  06:12:46  13 August 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
First of all, I am amoki, the forum's moderator and an unofficial liaison for GSC that act as a channel to put through what contestants want. On behalf of GSC and of myself, welcome to the forum.

Onto your story:

Not bad. You have fresh idea, and to be honetst fresh idea are beginning to fade in the contest but I have to say (sheepishly) that this is probably the first fanfic you have written. It is just like someone singing with his throat in front of a opera singer

To improve:
The most important thing you should tackle is focus. Focus is as in goal of the story. What do you want to say? What do you want to describe? What do you want to create? From my poin of view, you don't have a clear focus (Don't worry! About 50% of all the contest stories are!) Initiailly, I thought it was a stalker story, but all of a sudden it is a dream by the proffessor. And how did the proffessor get the dream? Why is it such a coincident? You have to lay down the plot.

Obviously you didn't do your research too. Don't worry about this too- this is something almost everyone seldom do on his/her first time. For one - armour-piercing is not upgradable, it comes with the bullet you load. There are bullet with different shape (FMJ, JHP, Hydroshok), and if I am not mistaken AP bullets is also a type. But of course- why would someone use AP ammo when you need JHP (Joint Hollow Point) to cause the most lethal wound with one shot? Also... Uzi is a submachinegun, nto really the kind of gun a stalker will use because 9mm don't cause big damage. I would go for a Rifle for believability, or maybe a good high-damage submachinegun like an AKS-74U

(Note- I am not a gun-nut, but there are more than enough gun-nuts at the "general" forum)

Also, do take realism into account. Blending into nature isn't from training- it is an experience! Ask a lot of "if this logical? Is it possible?" to yourself.

Lastly... you can try to improve on your description. Don't get me wrong- I am not saying anything about your language capability, I am trying to say that you haven't describe enough. It is a cliche to say somethign like "leave imagination to the readers"- because there is nothing like that in the real world. It is like saying "There is a tree at the beach." instead of "there is a tall coconut tree at the beach of Fiji." I can't really offer much here because everyone's style differs, but you have to give lots of description, yet at the same time doen't bore people.But you have to give enough description to give the reader a clear description of what is going on...

Here is an example, from my story "Home To Stay" : -

The Donets River had been flowing through part of Ukraine ever since it existed. Starting from the uplands of Kharkiv, its water flowed towards the southeast, keeping trees and crops fertile as it goes, before joining up with its big brother, the Don River, and flowed into the sea.

Apart from being rich mineral at the basin, the river also served as an important source of water for farming in this region. Irrigation scheme by the government brought great increase in productivity years ago before the Second Incident.

After the Incident, it was no longer a surprise to find dead bodies downstream, most of the time of drowning with no sign of struggle. Most of the times, the victims were fellow farmers that I knew of, whose egos were challenged when they could no longer feed their family when every penny of their income were invested in the crops and livestock. Government compensation was promised when our crops were brought to burn, but it seemed to be fat chance of that becoming a reality when the Government itself was beleaguered with the money-consuming task of maintaining The Zone perimeter. And that drove the farmers out the wall, into the river, and into internal life.

It was also where I was now, sitting at the back, staring at the setting sun.


This is not the best example out there, but I think this is the best I can come out with.

Which leads me to another point- pargraphing. For some obvious reason, the more paragraph you have in a story, the more easier reading is. In your story, most of the time you crammed lots of information together. A recommended idea is to group description at one paragraph, conversation one, action one, thoughts one, and soforth. It makes reading VERY easy. ALthough you are not in a contest, know this - the less words in a paragraph, the better reading is.

I am sure the others have somethign to say. But this is from me so far. Hopefully it is helpful. But I have a notorious legend of nuking newbies too hard, so don't take heart. Everyone's writing style differs.
  12:58:16  13 August 2004
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wired1
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/12/2004
 

Message edited by:
wired1
08/13/2004 13:00:26
Messages: 5
Its not the first fanfic i write (though it is the first about the stalker universe/world thing ). I just found that this thing about a world/area in decay with 'pirates/stalkers' finding treasure and the links and stuff on the homepage about Tesla similar ppl very inspiring for my fantasy.

Writing this i did things in reverse order, i wrote the ending first and then i wrote everything out from there. This whole text is written in about 4 hours and i havent done any facts checking or spelling checking what so ever (im a little lazy sometimes), with twice the time spent on the story i would probably have taken out/edited a lot and changed stuff, but i often forget/choose not to do it.

The thing with the AP rounds i got from an anime movie called Ghost in the shell, and i figured since they said few could afford/upgrade handguns to use AP, that it had to be a fact for the real world too I also did it to make ppl imagine what kind of monster would u need AP rounds to kill ?

Blending into nature, is something about training, i have trained it since childhood and believe me, it is very difficult to just seem to vanish without a trace, that takes practise and training...

Im also not exactly a gun nut (i know nothing about guns),i only know that this bullet hurts, this one hurts even more, this one can penetrate armour etc...

The ending with the professors dream, it wasnt a dream, he was dead, and his assistants woke him back to life..just before the chernobyl accident happened in which he died again returning to his worst nightmare/land of the dead. I wrote the ending first, as i stated earlier and i found it to be a very nice twist to the story ending like this, leaving the reader to wonder about stuff.

In reality this is probably a beginning /a script / a series of random thoughts stitched together and can end up being a much better and longer story (though im undecided about it so far).

Thanks for the comments and suggestions for improvement its really appreciated. I usually dont get many comments when i post something for ppl to read so its nice that you take your time and bash me for being a lazy bastard .
i ll definently do a little more research before my next story in the shadow of chernobyl ...I actually already have an idea i know just what to do....


Btw am i the only writer who has experiences like this. after writing a story, you read it and you ask yourself, did i really write this....
  17:28:16  13 August 2004
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
I liked it. The underlying idea to the story was quite interesting, but it wasn't fully realized. There were a bunch of structure errors (run-on sentences, etc.), but you get used to it on a multi-lingual forum such as this, so I don't really judge that any more.

Basically, I agree with Amoki on his comments, though I would like to say that you should use different names. Sergei and Mikhail are two of the three most cliched russian names (Alexei is the third), try to use different ones.

Best advice I can give is to look at the sticky thread above this one titled "A few pointers to help write a story." There are many books on writing that don't have the information of that thread. It's an extremely valuable resource. I would recommend looking through it at least once, and maybe saving or printing it out

Good luck!
  17:30:50  13 August 2004
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168

---QUOTATION---
Btw am i the only writer who has experiences like this. after writing a story, you read it and you ask yourself, did i really write this....
---END QUOTATION---



I'm pretty sure we all do. I actually had a story published in a local magazine, and I looked at it and thought, oh my god, this is so horrible. It's something between funny and annoying.

And Amoki, thanks for the promotion even though as soon as I posted again it demoted me.
  19:06:04  13 August 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Its not the first fanfic i write (though it is the first about the stalker universe/world thing ). I just found that this thing about a world/area in decay with 'pirates/stalkers' finding treasure and the links and stuff on the homepage about Tesla similar ppl very inspiring for my fantasy.

Writing this i did things in reverse order, i wrote the ending first and then i wrote everything out from there. This whole text is written in about 4 hours and i havent done any facts checking or spelling checking what so ever (im a little lazy sometimes), with twice the time spent on the story i would probably have taken out/edited a lot and changed stuff, but i often forget/choose not to do it.

The thing with the AP rounds i got from an anime movie called Ghost in the shell, and i figured since they said few could afford/upgrade handguns to use AP, that it had to be a fact for the real world too I also did it to make ppl imagine what kind of monster would u need AP rounds to kill ?

Blending into nature, is something about training, i have trained it since childhood and believe me, it is very difficult to just seem to vanish without a trace, that takes practise and training...

Im also not exactly a gun nut (i know nothing about guns),i only know that this bullet hurts, this one hurts even more, this one can penetrate armour etc...

The ending with the professors dream, it wasnt a dream, he was dead, and his assistants woke him back to life..just before the chernobyl accident happened in which he died again returning to his worst nightmare/land of the dead. I wrote the ending first, as i stated earlier and i found it to be a very nice twist to the story ending like this, leaving the reader to wonder about stuff.

In reality this is probably a beginning /a script / a series of random thoughts stitched together and can end up being a much better and longer story (though im undecided about it so far).

Thanks for the comments and suggestions for improvement its really appreciated. I usually dont get many comments when i post something for ppl to read so its nice that you take your time and bash me for being a lazy bastard .
i ll definently do a little more research before my next story in the shadow of chernobyl ...I actually already have an idea i know just what to do....


Btw am i the only writer who has experiences like this. after writing a story, you read it and you ask yourself, did i really write this....
---END QUOTATION---



4 hours! My shortest story took about 2 hours... and it is only 3 page long... And the rest of the story (I wrote another 6 stories ) took months...
  21:57:49  13 August 2004
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wired1
(Novice)
 
On forum: 08/12/2004
Messages: 5

---QUOTATION---

Basically, I agree with Amoki on his comments, though I would like to say that you should use different names. Sergei and Mikhail are two of the three most cliched russian names (Alexei is the third), try to use different ones.

---END QUOTATION---



I guess thats why the names flew right into my fingers when i was writing actually i was thinking about using Alexei for a third character, but i guess it was a good thing i didnt .

Thanks for the comments, they are appreciated, any feedback is good, without it one cant improve.

Im just beginning to read/participate in this forum, but i find the world that exists within 'the zone' and whats outside quite fascinating and inspiring, so i ll write more stories, and also read some of those already written.


---QUOTATION---

4 hours! My shortest story took about 2 hours... and it is only 3 page long... And the rest of the story (I wrote another 6 stories ) took months...

---END QUOTATION---



Sometimes when inspiration strikes i just type really really fast mostly it ends up as rubbish, other times as semi good things, and seldom as very good stuff(mostly my good stuff is poetry).
I guess i should try to slow myself down a little during the creative process so i get a better overview of things and not just make a drink (3 ideas, 2 fast typing and some random words into the blender and i have a fresh drink )
  23:09:19  13 August 2004
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
Another good idea is to look up "the verdict" thread by Amoki. It has a really good list of the good stories to read. However it isn't very recent, so it doesn't include any of the new ones, but it's a good place to start.
  06:26:40  14 August 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Heh, if you are interested on having your story posted in the contest... no, not me, I am not the one who are making the shots, "atem" is. He is my boss officially, which means my actions are controlled by him when it comes to general contest matters.

You can contact him at atem@gsc-game.kiev.ua . Try your best to persuade him, although for the sake of fairness he will probably deny you, but again, no harm down trying.. If he gives me the go-ahead, you story will be edited by me and send it.
 
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