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Fool's Gold (finally :D)

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  07:05:44  30 July 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Fool's Gold (finally )

After one month of frivolous typing and editing and a touch from Ian_C's superb wording (thanks a lot, it is lots of liposection to the story, if not a facelift ), fool's gold is finally up. It is, to my opinion, not as good as "Home to stay", but... . Find out for yourself.

It is not very long, so don;t worry.

fool's gold

Fool's gold - fable version

A merchant was once struck by a sandstorm in the middle of the desert. He lost everything, from supplies to camels. By a twist of fate he survived, though the loss of his goods brought with it a hollow ache of despair. Drawing his resolve, he knew the nearest oasis was not so far away. So he began to walk.

In the middle of his journey, he encountered a large piece of golden rock. It felt heavy, and gleamed like a beacon in the blinding sun, so the merchant
  07:14:55  30 July 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
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"Correct." The more refined and polite voice answered. "Let him go, Thomas. Seriously, we're not here to get you. What the hell is a Black American like you doing in Ukraine?"
"Ukraine? Where the hell is that?" I questioned with genuine curiosity.

"What? You mean you don't know where you are?" The man who asked it did so with genuine shock. A pause.
  07:19:19  30 July 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
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On forum: 07/31/2003
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For those who actually finish this story... you will notice that somehow this is slightly worse than "Home to stay". This is correct- I drove myself to complete this story for certain reasons. I seem to have lost most of my energy now, so seven stories seems to be a good place to stop.

So no, no more fanfics. I am done.

The spelling mistakes are intentional - I am creating a dylexic character. Even Ian_C failed for it . For those who don't know what is a dylexic... George W. Bush, the current president, is one. A dylexic is someone who can't pronounce complex words precisely
  12:23:14  30 July 2004
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
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On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
Ah yes, I did get a little bit caught up on that.

I assumed that the parts where he stammers to produce a word were indicative of his dyslexia, but I wasn't sure of others so I just went ahead and corrected them.

Glad you like it though.
  09:25:49  3 August 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
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Chan, you finish reading "fool's gold?", or did 'bejeweled', 'billard', 'Dynomite' or that flash new game call "Gagarin's mission" got most of your attention
  21:37:23  4 August 2004
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IceShade
Tactical Ignorance
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On forum: 04/05/2004
Messages: 1037
Good story

It even has a morale .. heh.

I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good (and hard) work!
  05:08:20  5 August 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Good story

It even has a morale .. heh.

I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good (and hard) work!
---END QUOTATION---



Thanks! But I will not keep up with any work. As far as I am concern (and my energy), I am done... Seven stories and about 300 pages of fanfic under the belt... until I have enough time, I probably just sit around and monitor progress as it comes.

P.S- Grisly Silence, where is you review?
  05:28:06  5 August 2004
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GrislySilence
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On forum: 10/06/2003
 

Message edited by:
GrislySilence
08/05/2004 5:30:03
Messages: 168
Sorry I haven't been able to read this till now, I've been caught up with some other stuff.

Really, really good story! Definitely one of my favorites. You definitely have the ability to weave a good tale. I wouldn't be surprised if I read a book a few years from now by author Amos Chua.

Oh yeah, and you do realize that my last name is Mann, right? lol

Haha, our posts crossed over. I actually started reading this an hour ago.
  19:54:23  5 August 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Sorry I haven't been able to read this till now, I've been caught up with some other stuff.

Really, really good story! Definitely one of my favorites. You definitely have the ability to weave a good tale. I wouldn't be surprised if I read a book a few years from now by author Amos Chua.

Oh yeah, and you do realize that my last name is Mann, right? lol

Haha, our posts crossed over. I actually started reading this an hour ago.
---END QUOTATION---



WEll, let's put it this way- for someone who mailed around 60 contest participants persionally... yes, I do know youe name. In fact, I am such a prick that, when looked closely, most stories had the name of my friends that I intentionally put it as a prank

But how good is it? I mean... what is in it that is so good?
  01:27:21  6 August 2004
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GrislySilence
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On forum: 10/06/2003
 

Message edited by:
GrislySilence
08/06/2004 1:27:53
Messages: 168
The thing I probably liked the most was Andrew. Your background on him was extensive and very well thought out. Your characterization was wonderful, I really felt like I was in his head, getting to know him, how he thought, and why.

The dialogue was very good, though there were a few instances where it wasn't quite right, but that was due just to subtle wording that could have made the dialoge better (but then again I'm kinda nit-picky about such things).

I also liked how you maintained a good, solid plotline and some tension, even though you're using the 1st person, which is generally accepted to be not very exciting. Once again, as you did in Home to Stay, you managed to fool everyone.

I was going to say something about working on your action, but in this instance, detailed action sequences would have distracted the reader from the main part of the story.

Personally, I think this one is on the same level with Home to Stay, which is to say, a very high level.

Very very nice.

One question, why does it say at the top: Fool's gold - fable version? Did you have another version planned?
 
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