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My starting of my story that i stopped.

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  21:15:58  15 February 2004
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Chickennog
Resident Alcoholic
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 08/26/2003
Messages: 157
My starting of my story that i stopped.

I know its over but maybe someone might want to read it, i havent fiished and probably wont but if u like it ill keep going on it.

The midnight air flows with a gentle breeze, dried leaves dancing in the wind. The cool wind sends shivers down the man
  07:49:30  16 February 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124
Pure quality, It was very entertaining and kept me wanting to know what will happen next. I wish you continue this even if the contest is over. This is great work.

Great tension, description, and it flows fluidly.
  03:41:33  20 February 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I am afraid I have to pour cold water onto your comment, Chansd5

Basically, I find no or little tension inside the story. However, you made a good job to substitue it with curiosity (maybe its the same thing in your context chan), whch manage to keep me going. As usual, try putting some more human element (although I do find quite a lot here in the story) such as thoughts, feelings and speech. Also, put in some identity for your character.

But I do find the description great too. YOu do descript it vividly, but until a point that you allow the reader to imagine (a.k.a not too detail).

Overall, good try and good job. Look forward to more.
  16:52:29  29 February 2004
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Chansd5
(Senior)
 
On forum: 11/26/2003
Messages: 124
Bah, Amoki is a wall of a critic. Don't get intimiated, I would love to see more of this work.
  03:26:33  5 March 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Bah, Amoki is a wall of a critic. Don't get intimiated, I would love to see more of this work.
---END QUOTATION---



Sorry, mate, but critisizing both good and bad had been my style. I know some times I do go over the wall (and have guys like Nauris Krauze drag me down), but most of the time the review is what I really think about things. When I say it is good, you know I meant it is good. And I don't mention anything about this story that is very intimitating OR unappropiate. In fact, I do mention the good side more then the bad side. So I don't see what is so intimitating about OR unappropiate as what I had put in kakermix's story a month ago. And do you really know what is tension about? it is something after you have thrown the character into an action which, under the right condition of words, will let you wanting to know how the character pull through. But notice the word action- in this story, the starting point of the story has some tension, but nothing after that. It was replaced by curiosity, about the stalker meeting the scientist which make the reader wonder what is the outcome. That is why I said there was no or little tension. bit instead replaced by curiosity. So don't get me wrong.
  08:17:32  24 December 2004
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InFeRnOg
(Novice)
 
On forum: 12/24/2004
Messages: 3
The incomplete stalker story - should I continue it?


---QUOTATION---
My starting of my story that i stopped.

I know its over but maybe someone might want to read it, i havent fiished and probably wont but if u like it ill keep going on it.

The midnight air flows with a gentle breeze, dried leaves dancing in the wind. The cool wind sends shivers down the man?s spine, his teeth slightly chattering. His hand lets go of his weapon, shining eerily in the moonlight. Rubbing his hands together, the man slowly strolls forward, his eyes darting about the landscape, searching for anyone, anything.

The man hears a stir from behind him. Quickly, but silently, he turns, readying his weapon. His fingers ache to pull the trigger, but his mind tells them not to. It was just the wind, the man tells himself. Taking several deep breaths, the man continues his long strides along the grey landscape. Rubble and debris dot the landscape of this once flourishing city neighbourhood. Now all that?s left is a few abandoned buildings, the rest of which fell victim to pillaging and collapsed long ago.

Ahead, the man sees something which catches his eye. Amongst the debris, a building, standing tall and wide, lies straight in front of him. This building is different however, dust doesn?t cover its exterior, and its windows remain unbroken. Entirely out of place, this building seems like it was built after the destruction of this city.

?Now that doesn?t make any sense.? The man speaks softly to himself. He stands there for a moment, eyes darting around, before deciding to take a look inside. You shouldn?t be doing this, the man thinks. Ah shut up, I know what I?m doing. I?m a goddamn Stalker for chrissakes! Conflicting thoughts fill the man?s head, and he remains conflicted even as he opens the large glass doors of the building, taking several steps inside.

The man finds himself in a very large lobby, with marble floors, and large pillars placed in a seemingly unprofessional manner. A large wooden desk ahead of him, with a single computer on it, stands out among the greys and blues of the room. To his right, an elevator door remains open. An eerie vibe is present in the room, as the man walks towards the desk, flipping through folders that have recently been scattered. The man jolts suddenly as he hears a sound from down the elevator shaft.

I?m not alone, the man thinks. Preparing his weapon, a modified AK-47 assault rifle, the Stalker eases his way towards the elevator. With a trained quickness, he makes sure no one is on top of the elevator. With a madness not many men possess, and a bravery that none have any more, the Stalker presses the only other button present in the elevator. The doors close, and the Stalker prepares himself for whatever horror he may find.

This is crazy John. You know what kind of beasts roam the Zone now, why did you do that? Why risk your life for money alone? The Stalker readies his weapon, as the familiar ding signals the doors to open. He bolts out of the elevator, and raises his rifle left, and to the right, stopping when a figure enters his sight.

?Identify yourself!? The Stalker screams at the figure, which quickly stands up with both hands in the air. ?You the only one down here? Stay still!? The Stalker runs over, making sure no one else is present before calming down.

?Turn around.? The Stalker forces the figure to turn. A young face, probably a decade younger than the Stalker, turns to greet him. With an awkward smile, the man pushes his round glasses back up his nose, and struggles to speak. The Stalker gives him time however, it is difficult to speak with an AK-47 shoved in your face.

?M-m-my name is p-Peter Marvin. I-I am a s-s-scientist studying these a-artifacts. I-If you will p-please, lower your w-weapon.? The scientist shakes uncontrollably, sweat rolling down his forehead. The Stalker stares in silence at the man.

Lowering his weapon, the Stalker still stares deep into Peter?s eyes. ?You shouldn?t be around here lab boy. Go do an experiment or something.? The Stalker laughs inside at his own words, and turns to go back to the elevator. ?Look, Peter is it? You shouldn?t be out here. The Zone is more dangerous than you know.? Peter scowls at this comment.

?More dangerous than I know? I?m here now aren?t I?? The scientist walks closer to the Stalker, his words ringing with an offensive tone. The Stalker smiles, turns and points his gun at Peter?s forehead, his laser sight marking the point of impact. ?H-hey what are you d-doing?!? Marvin steps back, tripping over a small trash can. The Stalker laughs as he falls on his ass, but quickly steps over, lowering his weapon, and helping the clumsy scientist up.

?You know you are quite brave to face me like that.? The Stalker watches as the scientist dusts off his white coat and wipes off his small round glasses. ?Then again we have to do something about your cowardly behaviour in front of rifles.? The Stalker chuckles and begins to walk towards the elevator, the scientist following him closely behind.

Peter quickens his pace and attempts to block the Stalker. ?W-where are you going? This building holds great importance, I can f-feel it.? His voice quirky, high pitched and oftentimes annoying, Peter raises his arm to the Stalker?s chest, stopping him in his tracks.

At this moment, the Stalker mind began to ponder, who does this scientist think he is? One minute he is pissing himself scared, the next he?s stepping up to me as if he were a Stalker?Maybe there is more to this man than there appears. With this, the Stalker looks to the left and to the right, glancing behind him as well. Piles of trash, and worthless office equipment are scattered around the room. ?Look around you Peter Marvin, there?s more junk here than in the goddamn garbage dumps.?

?You don?t understand Mister, um, Stalker?say, do you have a name by chance?? Peter pushes his glasses up his sweaty nose and glares into the Stalker?s eyes.

?Ugh, my name is Mobius.? Peter gives a small grunt at this.

?Not your codename, Stalker, your real name.? Peter replies.

?I don?t have a real name, scientist. Stalkers rarely come back after entering the Zone, so we have no need for real names.? Mobius pushes Marvin aside and enters the elevator.

?Wait a minute, M-Mobius. We have yet to check out the rest of the building.? Peter seems anxious as he wanders into the elevator, holding the doors open. Mobius senses he is keeping a secret of some sort, and is determined to figure out what it is.

?Alright Peter Marvin, what the hell are you talking about? There?s only two floors in this goddamn thing. The lobby and this basement. We?ve been through both already. And besides, why should I bother helping a scientist out. What?s your affiliation anyways?? Peter quickly looks down at the floor.

?Uh, w-well I don?t h-happen to have any affiliation.? Peter closed his eyes, immediately realizing the problems he just created. Why did you say that? This Stalker knows his way around, he?ll know you?re lying, or he?ll think worse. If you?re a scientist with no affiliation, you?re either a very bad scientist, or a very crazy one. Looks like your crazy?

?No affiliation? Very rare around here. All the scientists get hired by the corporations and agencies around here, it is very rare to see an unaffiliated scientist. Very rare?? Mobius gives out a small chuckle.

?Well that?s besides the point, look Mobius. I have a very reliable source that tells me deep within this complex there lies a very, very valuable artifact which we can use to both of our advantages. I just need to study it, you can take it once I am finished, and sell it or do whatever you please with it. I don?t care what you do with it, but it is very valuable and if you were to sell it, all of your problems could go away.? Peter raises his hand to his chest, taking deep breaths hoping that his offer will sway the Stalker to stay.


---END QUOTATION---



Well, I don't really know where to begin...but I guess I'll just say that I read over what you guys said about the story and it seems that it's received a fair amount of support and having written the story (sorry Chickennog I dont even think you go on the forums anymore but im seeing if anyone wants me to continue the story) I'd like to get your feedback on whether or not I should..well, continue the story.

Just post and let me know if you want me to continue the story I need to have some motivation to continue this thing and if somebody speaks up then I'll get on it. Thanks a lot.

Merry Christmas,
InFeRnOg
 
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