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Outbreak (Final) <---- I think

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  12:59:57  13 December 2005
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SoulThief
(Novice)
 
On forum: 12/07/2005
Messages: 11
Tough Now i've got all the critisisme, are there still people that have like, Good parts on the story eg. the Story itself, or other parts,

If someone could point me that it would be a great help for the sequel.

I'm eager to write the second (final) serie but some information would be nice,

I've allready put in alot of stuff Ian_C told me and You've been a great help to,

And so was Amoki, but some ppl are to tired to actually post a comment, making it very hard for a average writer to actually discover what's wrong and what's good.

PS Is the contest still running?
  06:13:12  13 December 2005
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SoulThief
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On forum: 12/07/2005
Messages: 11

---QUOTATION---
He could have seen, or felt, what kind of gun it was, giving a hint.

Even though the end is abrupt, it leaves you wanting more. You will continue the series, right?
---END QUOTATION---



Yup
  17:51:09  12 December 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
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On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
He could have seen, or felt, what kind of gun it was, giving a hint.

Even though the end is abrupt, it leaves you wanting more. You will continue the series, right?
  16:40:24  8 December 2005
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SoulThief
(Novice)
 
On forum: 12/07/2005
 

Message edited by:
SoulThief
12/09/2005 13:46:58
Messages: 11
Yeah english isn't my Native language, and I have to admit that there are some problems though with the grammer, and if there are things that should be fixed than just post them,


On to the knee part, yes I agree it would be hard to actually walk on the knee, but remind ourselves the guy was fighting for his life, it's pretty obvious that both adrenaline and, Morphine was streaming trough his body.

The bullet fact is correct to, but giving an great attention to weapon names and bullets is a bit awkward and could, wear off the reader,

Then again this guy IS TELLING his story this means that he can't identify what he can't see,

If I shot you (example) you don't see the bullet than how can you know what kind of round I shot you with.

And still this is Fan Fiction.
Some things are meant to be unrealistic in some ways, to make the story good,

It wouldn't be fun if the character wouldn't be shot,
and the knee was just something that bursted to my mind.

But thanks for the heads up!

CQC is Close Range Weapons combat and an knife is still a combat weapon, so he had to use CQC, as Hand-to-Hand is linked to fighting,
CQC is also Hand-to-Hand combat that is used in the military, none of you played Metal Gear Solid 3?

It's kinda like an Judo it's an defensive/offensive combat type you defend yourself eg. block the incoming blow from the opponent, but in the process you grab his arm and throw him on the ground, or even break his arm.


EDIT:

I squeezed out some of the grammer errors and spelling/mistyped words, some changes to some of the scenes, it near perfection now
  16:10:33  8 December 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
 

Message edited by:
Siro
12/08/2005 16:10:54
Messages: 7378
A big improvement.

First off, I think that is is very commendable that you are writing in you second (or third?) language. A lot of people don't have that kind of courage.

I know that this is obvious, but I'll mention it briefly: there are grammar mistakes, some of them detract from the reading experience. It is pretty hard to figure out what is happening, but it doesn't hinder the story that much. If you want, I can tell you how to fix some of those mistakes.

For instance, when your main character is outside after he jumped, and those Stalkers that walk up to him are shot, you say "the guys walked into the ground, they are shot?" In the english language, it is not correct to say that they walked into the ground when they are shot. You can say "they fell to the ground. Were they shot?" It is impossible to walk into the ground, that might confuse some readers.

Second, there are a lot of run-on sentences. I don't want to give you a lecture. If a sentence seems too long, or if there is another idea in the sentence, you can either split it up into two sentences, or add a comma between the end of the first phrase, and the beginning of the second. For instance:


"I didn't tought to long about it it was not acceptable that Black would let me down not now not ever."


"I didn't think too long about it. It was not acceptable that Black would let me down. Not now, not ever."

See the difference?

Another thing that was kind of strange was the fact that the guy was way too active on a shot knee. When someone is shot in the knee, it hurts. A lot. It is impossible to stand on it, or even move it because of the immense pain. The knee could also break if enough weight is put on it, such as the guy standing on it. If he got shot in an area near the knee, where it does not hurt as much, you could've said that.

Also, what kind of gun he was shot with could also be an important factor. A .22 bullet would really hurt badly, if shot in the kneecap, but the damage inflicted by it would not be as much as with a larger bullet. A 9mm could damage the knee severely, as well as hurt like the Devil himself. Anything above a .45 would tear the knee right off, and rifles would do the same, if they are not .22.

And I hate to nit-pick, but you should say "hand-to-hand" instead of CQC in this sentence: "I could use CQC to grab him and make my exit."

The fast rush of facts and events during the gun-battles create a tense atmosphere, as in a real firefight. The main character only knew about what was happening with him and what he did during the fight, which simulated the actual confusion.

Anyway, good job. I hope you keep writing and get better at english in the process.
  14:29:22  8 December 2005
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SoulThief
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On forum: 12/07/2005
 

Message edited by:
SoulThief
12/08/2005 16:57:53
Messages: 11
Outbreak (Final) <---- I think

"Get him!"

Two Stalkers walk towards me weapons aimed carefully at me.
how has it become like this?

Death is the most frequent tought of an human,
how do I die? will it be painless.

They say one can't predict his/her death but i'm pretty sure i know how i'll die and it will not be painless.

It all happend 5 days ago, a newsserver was added to our PDA's telling some valuable information about possible artifacts positions and mutant sightings.
Almost like they were placed there, well Stalkers need any help they can get their hands on and this was certainly no exception, sector 2030XA-09A was soon crowded with Stalkers, apperantly the newsserver stated that alot of possible artifacts could be found there.

Stalkers raged war upon each other bringing an chaos in 2030XA-09A (Armageddon)
soon the sector became known as Armageddon, the Ravan clan took over and dominated the sector in hope to find the lost artifacts.

However this Accordingly to the newsserver wasn't the only sector that had good artifacts,
Sector 697XD-203 (polution) had an fair amount of loot to (according to the Server), soon Stalker began an indefinte war against each other.
One could not survive alone, that's when I made my own clan, Nubbs,Rav,Dave and Black an five man team well orginized 4 of us had an millitary background, so it didn't took us long to infiltrate enemy defenses or dominate an sector.

But after a while the sectors appeared to be empty the NewsServer was incorrect in both Artifact location and Mutants, we were in search of the Hoax maker an would make red meat out of him.
But rumor had it the Hoaxer was located in another sector; one wich noone dared to enter.

Anomaly was it's name it felt outside the Stalker Map, it was radiated so high that 30 mins inside this (large) sector could burn your bones and left you as nothing else than an memory.
But as organized as we were we took our chances, we took off to Anomaly.
Our first big mistake, we arrived there 2 days later just before all hell broke loose.

Black - I ordered him to scout ahead, Black was slim guy mid twenty's ex-delta force
He was designated as our scout he also worn all our Radiation equipment, it clearly weighted him down, he didn't walked smoothly like he always did but Black could handle himself extremely well during combat and could keep his cool.
But I saw different as soon as we walked into Anomaly, his eyes were wattery and his face was pale as if he died long ago, a stone look it made me shiver and i felt an cold stream running trough my spine, what was wrong?

I didn't tought to long about it it was not acceptable that Black would let me down not now, not ever.
It was getting dark but none of use were sleepy we wanted to catch the guy reposible for this mess,
The honor code of the Stalkers was broken by greed.
But still I stopped at an Old APC not serviceable but excellent for cover inside,
We set-up the camp for tonight,
when Dave,Rav and Nubbs were asleep I turned to Black,

"Everything ok mate, I lost you back there"

The question bottered him, he looked mad, but he tried to hide it,
he was sitting against, the metal cothing that the APC still had, underneath all the rust.

"I don't know, nothing feels right"

I could see that it hurt him to say it, as his mad face began to transform to an sad face.

"Everything is going acorrding to plan, theres nothing to worry about"

In an smooth move he turned his head my way, he looked pale even in this dark night in this dark APC, his face was pale, then he looked away.

"That's the problem we have no plan, normally we should've planned, even if we allready know the place, we don't know anything about this godforsaken place, nobody set foot here and returned, what the hell made them thing the guy resides in this Fucking outskirt of the Zone, why the hell would you risk this just for that guy,?"

"We need to set this right I want to know what's going on, why did he create the newsserver anyway?"

I felt oncomfortable, speaking with black like this I didn't knew him like this,
nor would I ever had the need to experience him like this again.

"sigh, I wanna know to, but we are risking to much without any plan.

He was right about anything, but in this world sometimes you need to act fast, there is no way that I would let me team down,
I'm not an born leader but i'm trying my best to hold on to everyones expectation.

"C'mon get some rest, we'll move up closely tomorrow, we will move slower than usuall, we'll be as catious as we allways are"

"Glad that I still put some sense into you"

Clearly his tone was increased to a more happy tone, he sounded enlighted, Relieved

I had an restless night that night, I was rethinking anything why did the guy made that server?
What did it gain him?
All these questions didn't seem to clear out of my mind, I just tried to forget about them.
When we awoke it was allready late in the morning the sun was shining vastly over the abandonned buildings, we checked our equipment and step outside the APC.


We walked into the centre of the sector,there was alot of flora present, it smelled beautifull, the sun cleary, commented the buildings that we saw on that place,
the wind blew gently, so peacefull, I almost forgot about the hellhole we were in.
But still for a sector that was known for its high radiation, this was an quiet sector nothing that didn't put our lives in danger.
Strange we didn't encounter any Mutants or Radiation, was this an hoax to?
No it could not be this was the right sector, this was Anomaly, i've seen some Stalkers that actually lived trought anomaly they were, no longer human their faces burned to their bones.
They were Flesh-Red no horror movie or words could discribe this,I almost vomit when I think back.

Though alot of rumors where present about Anomaly noone ever told us how it's "template" (design) looked like, we were in the dark in every sense of the word, but we needed to eat and check our equipment, so we headed into what we tought was an abandonned building.
Our second mistake.

We headed into the building it was quiet, maybe to quiet, we heard nothing even for an abandonned bulding that's awkward.
We headed to the second floor and put up an HQ so we could rest, we took watch every hour.
Until we heard something, a scream than we heard an big explosion comming from above us.


We entered an Computer room,
Nubbs noticed that these were super computers, but dated he searched the database, he found information about an French project going on,
dated 1973 so IT was old, he stepped back an started to walk and inspect the room,
probably hoping to salvage some good electric stuff.
A moment later he screamed "Shit, there's someone outside"
He tripped it for sure,he almost jumped from the stress, I needed to calm him down I ran to his direction I shook him, "KEEP you head clear, are you sure"?
"Would I lie?" He almost cried.

I looked outside to the building in fornt of us nothing to spot, when I looked away I spotted an glimmer, I looked closely my eyes spurted open in a split second I threw my weapon in ready position, "STALKERS" I screamed
Black stood next to me in an few clear moments, looking trought his scope, "that's not an person he said, it's a goddamn trap"

I heard a bullet fly next to me hitting the concrete next to me.

Immediatly without an second of hesitation I heared an Bullet rain of Concrete meeting an bullet impact and bullets dropping, everything seemed to slow down, my head was clear.
I could think, Rapidly fast, i tought of idea's and other things in split seconds, but i memorized they were normal millitary acts.
We shot in an advatage situation here they were below us, we clearly should've won this battle,
Rav shot his gun in slow bursts trying to hit his target or trying to make him scared,
Black had to reload but took his Sniper Rifle instead it was clear he was mad now, that sniper rifle was sacred to him,
the scope was enhanced to perfection,
One shot one kill was his motto,
But that didn't apply here tough he was shooting like if there were 40 man below us.
It's an scare tactic see who can burn more ammo, we were well trained in Hand-to-Hand Combat, they didn't/shouldn't pose an big threath.

Our cover was running out the concrete was badly damaged we had to move,
Rav moved together with Nubbs to an different building, they set-up our,
Machine gun, it wasn't used before so it took them quite some time to put it up,
Then I heard an awefull cry from it, the bullets were shot at rapid succesion, unbelievable fast but unbelievable inaccurate.

"Black we need to get to the first floor and cover the doors, if they get inside we lose our advantage"
"That'll do just fine hand me over an clip my Assualt rifle is running low"

We ran downstairs, blocking the door we threw some objects on their side to take cover,
we waited for at least 10 minutes, we heard the gunshots, it threw a cold over my spine,
this was our first big battle, we had to win.

Gunshots were comming closer, they were near the building,
I elevated my weapon, into ready position perfect the first to come would be red meat,
The door opened I squeezed my finger an inch further would have unleashed my bullets, noone walked into the door,
a grenade was thrown inside, as soon as i noticed I took cover,the explosion was loud it threw objects sky high and around the room,
before I could process that, bullets were shot over my head, hitting the wall behind me and denting the piece of metal I was hiding behind.

I heard the Sniper Rifle from Black, a good sign, he was alive, this battle would be worth every effort, I checked my self, nothing seriously, a splinter hit my hand nothing to worry about.
For some reason I felt the need to scream, I felt comfortable I almost smiled, Combat was something i wasn't particulary fond of but this time, It felt different.
I threw my weapons over the metal plate and unleashed 20 bullets of pure succesion, I just hoped I hit something organic.
Than just a few moments later the shots just stopped,

"Took you goddamn long" Was that Black?!
How the hell did he knew these people?
what the hell was going on?
I stood up, i saw the opponents just standing next to Black, weapons lowered while 2 others were aiming at me,
they were in an conversation, Black looked to my direction,

"I'm sorry mate, but you've found the newsserver guy,"
"You are him?" my anger boilled........fast.
"Finnaly your eyes are open, you really think I wanted to join your ass?,
no way.
"So what is this?"

A large bloke entered the room

"That doesn't concern you.....yet"

He elevated his Handgun and shot me in the knee,he missed by an inch he didn't hit my kneecab, I threw myself on the ground, my head bumped on something, it rendered me unconsciousness.


When i woke up I was parallyzed not knowing what happend but as soon as the fist that penetrated my stomach and closed my lungs was at his target I knew what happend.
I looked around me, I was in an confined room, alot of crates and cardboxes, I presumed they just threw me into the nearest room available

"You've been an tough nut to follow, luckly we had our,......... intel"

"What do you want from me?"

"Answers, where's your Artifa........"

"If you want answers I suggest you answer my question first"

"I'm not sure if you noticed but your my captive, your under my direct control, your not in an position to ask me things, let alone demand things."

"Then your out of luck, you'll have to do something to get the info,"

"Fair enough, whe'll play your game"

"Why did Black turned on me?"

"Your inexprience has led him to betray you, obviously, you would soon led him to his death
apperantly you had an good relation with him he saw you as a brother,
so we had to take over, the newsserver did work for you guys, he had to make sure noone would ever know his presence with you, clearly you've noticed he changed as you walked into this sector.

"But how did you know that we would follow the information"

"Your inexperience, you were dumb enough to follow it, you think leadership is about honor and doing the right thing, look what that brought you now, but enough talking, where is that artifact?

"Screw yourself"

"Fine, you'll be begging soon anyway"

He made an hand gesture in the direction of the two guards that were standing in the room, they moved aside and he walked out of the room, the soldiers followed his lead.
Ha, I was alone,I tried to stand up but a streak of pain evolved in my leg,off course my knee still hurt,I stood up carefully and ignored the pain as much as I could, I quietly searched the room, I didn't find valuable stuff, I however found an metal stick, now If i could sharpen it without to much noise, I could use CQC to grab him and make my exit.
I tried as much as I could but it would make to much noise, I would have to use it in it's current state.
Hours passed by, I was sitting still, watching the door closely, it had an big keyhole so it was easy for me to actually see if someone stood behind it.
But my eyes failed on me, the were closing as much as I resisted, they closed.
When I awoke, the door was open, I moved closely, and carefully I watched around the corners, nothing.
I moved outside, carefully, I held the Metal Stick, firmly in my hand.
Nothing to see, nothing to hear.
But when I moved down the stairwell, two guys moved up rapidly, without doubt they shot at my direction, they missed.
I tried to ran as fast as I could, but my knee held me back, they were closing in, a moved around the corner, the bullet just missed me with inches.
I had to make up something quick, before I would be shot, there a body, a weapons lay next to it, I grabbed it, and shot behind me, without looking or aiming.

I made way for the window, we were on the second floor the worst case scenario involved me breaking my leg.
I dived trough the window, landed on the ground on my belly, damn that hurt but the pain sticked to me.

I tried to run but I couldn't anymore I fell on the ground next to a car.
Waiting for the fuckers to put me out of my missery.

There they were.

"Get him!"

Two Stalkers walk towards me weapons aimed carefully at me.
The sand cracked underneath their feet, I looked at the sun, it was an beautifull day, if things went differently I would enjoy this moment.

They say one can't predict his/her death but i'm pretty sure i know how i'll die and it will not be painless.

Shots errupted, but I didn't felt the pain,
the guys fell onto the ground, they are shot?

How,what,where

at least 5 STALKERS are walking towards me,

"Are you ok?"
"If this doesn't include being shot or having an extremly bad day, yes I'm fine"

"Let's move to a safer place, can you move by yourself?"

"Do I look 70 to you?"

I stood up,Ignored the ongoing pain in my knee as long as I could, I walked with the escort whe were walking outside the sector an APC was greeting us,
Two Medical guy ran towards me, with an stretcher they lay me on the stretcher and moved me into the APC.
They sedated me.

When I woke up I was in a hospital,
It wasn't in Chernobyl that couldn't be it's abandonned*
I tought about the zone, my friends,Black everyone.
I abandonned my friends, One side screamed not to go back, while the other screamed the oposite,
I had to make up my mind, at least I had enough time in this hospital.
I felt assleep, nightmare I couldn't forget about what happend in the zone, I took to much coffee just to make sure I wouldn't fall assleep, but eventually the doctors sedated me.
It was the same dream everytime, I see Nubbs,Rav,Dave on the hill but as I close by to them, Black appears and shoots them down.
My weapon won't fire it's jammed everytime.
I need to go back,or not.
I need to find them, but what if they are dead?
I spent two days thinking about it.
After a week the hospital had to let me go, there was nothing that could be done, I was partially healed, but my knee wasn't going to heal completely,
I went to the nearest hotel.
I spend 4 days in the room thinking just thinking,
The moment I was laying next to the car, I knew I was going to die, I could feel it,
Yet here I am, Living.
I tried to Sleep but I couldn't , there was no way i could leave friends like that I had to make sure
I would have to find Nubbs,Rav,Dave.

The next morning I took a cab to a abandonned place, it was where I bought my weapons the first time,
the recognised me.

"You are in the Zone, what are you doing here?"

"It's a long story, Listen I need weapons, Long Range or Scoped to be precise."

I took an glimpse on a modern Assualt Rifle it was firmly moddificated, a Grenade Launcher ,Heat shields on the Sides, Custom "TwoClips" and Full Metal Jacket Rounds.
"I'd like to have that one"

"Ah, You like it? , it's my newest design, it's been modificated carefully, perfect accuracy,"

"How much?"

"5000, But I guess you don't have that much, give me your Necklace, and that watch and all the money you have,"

Togheter it was worht only 4000 but hell he didn't care neither did I, I took the gun with grace hidden in a duffleback,
I took an ride to the Zone, I had to walk almost 2 miles myself, the two longest miles in my life,
I just Couldn't keep my head clear, I tought about everything.

It almost took me 5 hours to walk those two miles,
I checked my equipment, and my clothes, again I was dressed as an STALKER.
Entering the Zone again,

To find my friends, and Kill Black.





* I would like to say thanks to Amoki for his information and Feedback,
I hope this would be just enough to get me a place in the contest.
* I would like to Give IanC some credit for helping me out, clearly he's an skilled writer and his information, and tips made it possible to make the story-telling even better, Kudos to you mate.
.
 
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