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  22:33:19  8 December 2005
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Robertino_lt
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/19/2005
Messages: 36

---QUOTATION---
Why do I get the feeling that no one will ever review my story? After all, other people are getting reviewed.
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uh maybe because this is large like a bible or two maybe(dont you have something other to do than write such long stories?!?
  23:37:09  8 December 2005
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273

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uh maybe because this is large like a bible or two maybe(dont you have something other to do than write such long stories?!?
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Not really a fair way of putting it, but the length can seem intimidating in this format.

I'll review it tommorow Siro, haven't had much time as of late but I do want to offer feedback to everyone I can.
  15:12:45  9 December 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
 

Message edited by:
Siro
12/09/2005 15:15:17
Messages: 7378

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uh maybe because this is large like a bible or two maybe(don't you have something other to do than write such long stories?!?
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Um, dude, there are stories a lot longer than mine out there.

Amoki is working on one that is guaranteed to be more than 30 pages. This one can be considered "short." Look on the site. Most of the good stories are the ones that are long.

And yes. I have a job. A girlfriend. A car. And a home.

Ian C

Thanks, dude. I really appreciate it.
  21:32:12  9 December 2005
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Fux0r666
resident smart-ass
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 06/04/2003
 

Message edited by:
Fux0r666
12/09/2005 21:33:04
Messages: 1927
Well, I guess that Amoki's won't be read by everyone then, either.

And... I don't think anyone was asking..
  21:49:18  9 December 2005
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Robertino_lt
(Novice)
 
On forum: 11/19/2005
Messages: 36

---QUOTATION---
uh maybe because this is large like a bible or two maybe(don't you have something other to do than write such long stories?!?

Um, dude, there are stories a lot longer than mine out there.

Amoki is working on one that is guaranteed to be more than 30 pages. This one can be considered "short." Look on the site. Most of the good stories are the ones that are long.

And yes. I have a job. A girlfriend. A car. And a home.

---END QUOTATION---




no short stories iz da best (truly it is)
  22:26:05  9 December 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
It depends on the person. You can't really make an accurate generalization. And I will write however much I want.

And the reason I said that I have a girlfriend, a car, and a home was because Robertino It asked me if I had nothing else to do. That was my answer that I meant "yes, I am a normal person and I do have other stuff to do".
  00:14:24  10 December 2005
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Fux0r666
resident smart-ass
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 06/04/2003
Messages: 1927

---QUOTATION---
It depends on the person. You can't really make an accurate generalization. And I will write however much I want.

And the reason I said that I have a girlfriend, a car, and a home was because Robertino It asked me if I had nothing else to do. That was my answer that I meant "yes, I am a normal person and I do have other stuff to do".
---END QUOTATION---



I think the question was rhetorical, and I think that statements of preference kind of blow apart that generalization rule... considering he's not making a statement of scientific principle.
  15:56:19  10 December 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
 

Message edited by:
Siro
12/10/2005 15:58:49
Messages: 7378
Good point. But still, some will still read it.

And this is not necessarily for people. It's for the contest.
  19:21:04  10 December 2005
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
 

Message edited by:
Ian_C
12/10/2005 19:22:16
Messages: 273
Very good, solid and, for the most part, really put my mind in the scene I was reading. I grew a little disorientated during the action sequences but certainly not enough to really distract me.

Characters were developed in the style of a 1st person piece I found, with much focus on Semion but not so much on the men surrounding him. Although their discussion in the jeep did go some way to alleviating that I find it also helps to give each man their own mannerisms and behaviour as well as back-history, often little things can tell us much more than any elaborate speech.

I was a bit confused about the existence of the Soviet Union despite the timeline, but I guessed you'd gone with an 'alternate history' world in which the USSR never split up.

Technically speaking I have a handful of comments;

You sometimes use unecessary adverbs, like the two below:

'Semion asked curiously'

I understand what you were going for here, genuine interest as opposed to just polite interest, but it felt a little clumsy. If anyone asks something then, by default, they are curious. You could lose the 'curiously' and still be covered by your passage a little later that said 'Semion became interested' ( or something along those lines ).

'Masha said jokingly.'

I got the impression from this scene that she was acting mock-serious hence Semion staring at her in puzzlement, if she had said it jokingly then it would be obvious that the whole thing was a gag and he wouldn't be confused.

Only one instance of repetition that I found, but there could be more;

'The frozen lake seemed to be made of glass, no, marble. The cracks in it spiderwebbed, creating a marble-like effect'

I appreciate that this is a real bastard to pick up on, sometimes requiring more than one re-read. I've repeated descriptions within a sentence or two more than I care to remember in the past, just something to keep an eye out for.

Also an unecessary passage ( though the only one that I could see ), could be snipped to streamline the piece a bit more;

'The driver turned the keys in the ignition and the car started immediately.'

I had the feeling this bit wasn't necessary for example, they've all entered the jeeps so we can assume, barring any unexpected problems, they're going to start driving - you don't really need to point it out.

And, lastly, some pedants among your audience may point out the following:

Military Stalker groups are only up to five men.

As far as I can recall you had seven, though it's far from a fatal error so I personally wouldn't worry about it.

Despite these niggles I enjoyed it, it felt very....'authentic', hope these comments help.
  20:09:10  10 December 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
 

Message edited by:
Siro
12/10/2005 20:11:56
Messages: 7378
Thank you very much.

It is a very pleasant experience to have your work reviewed by an un-biased person. Thanks to you, I will fix some of these errors and get a new version up soon.

Thanks one more time.

Oh, and the reason I needed to include the part where I said that the driver started the car was because the car stood still while they had the conversation.

P.S. Just curious, where are you from?
 
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