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The steps of defeat

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  21:16:13  6 June 2005
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Beholder_fod
(Novice)
 
On forum: 06/06/2005
 

Message edited by:
Beholder_fod
06/06/2005 21:17:07
Messages: 2
The steps of defeat

Hello everyone! My name is Beholder_fod, and I was just introduced to the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. universe. I like it so much I wrote a little about it, I wrote this a few minutes ago and it took me about 15 mins, but I wanted to get something out before work at 6. My story is a rather adult account of one mans story of his parties destruction during a mission set in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. universe. I posted here the intro to my short, and i'll write some of Lionels account of the whole thing when I get back.




Nothing could be grimmer than the aftermath of failure, hearts strewn with the agony of defeat and a landscape decorated with the entrails of the fallen. All directions were ripe with the stench of death, overwhelmingly more friend than foe, and there was a constant threat of ambush lingering in the minds of the survivors. Defeat was something unexpected… After all, the Zephyr-Omega drop team was never familiarized with a single tint of defeat since their initial grouping. All former endeavors were a complete success. So now, halted in the wake of a grim reality, the remaining insurgents of the Zephyr-Omega drop team lay stunned, reflecting on what went wrong in this critical mission. An initial 32 man party; now 7, the amount of ammunitions needed; miscalculated, and a plan of retreat gone horribly awry.

“Damnit Lionel, I don’t think I’m going to be able to stand up,” squeaked a rather broken voice over a static laden intercom. “I was h-h-hit hard, so was my party… I don’t think I’m going to be able to stand… I’m, I-I’m bleeding bad man, oh please god don’t let me die.” Silence was all that followed.
“So this is the only recording salvaged from the failed Chernobyl recovery 16 mission Lionel?”
“Yes sir, my helmets intercom memory was damaged in result of a massive head trauma I endured during the conflict. I’m afraid that clip, and my testimony, is the only evidence of my team’s annihilation. Well, that and my account of the events of course.”
“Your accounts, Lionel, are shady. You endured a wound to your skull that could have easily killed you, or put you in an indefinite coma. You’re lucky to be alive, but I’m afraid our medical team has decided your memory of recent events can’t be trusted due to your wound.”
“Bullshit!” Lionel shouted in an almost betrayed tone. “My accounts are trustworthy, I remember it all, I remember getting injured, I remember first setting foot in the Chernobyl drop zone and I remember the incident!”
“Calm yourself Lionel; you’re representing yourself rather idiotically in front of a rather influential man right now. I suggest you watch you tone of voice around me Lionel.”
“Yes sir, I’m sorry sir. I’m rather shaken up.”
“Quite. Now, Lionel, for the records I am going to allow you to share your testimony one more time for both me and the panel. You need to represent yourself intelligently Lionel, for our trust in you and your words in going to be a key factor in deciding your fate. The panel and I are going to give you as much time as you need to explain everything Lionel, everything one last time.”

And with that Lionel was faced with a new mission altogether, defending what he knew was the truth, defending the very event that turned his world upside down. He was exhausted, but he was ready to speak. He had to be heard for his words were not only imperative to insure his dignity and career, but also the memory and downfall of his comrades. Lionel was to retrace the steps of defeat.
  13:34:25  7 June 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
06/07/2005 13:39:47
Messages: 1729
15 minutes is what I take to eat my dinner. You expect everyone else to be interested in your little adventure? Think again. Effort, buddy. The shortest story I'd ever written is 3 page long, and it took me a day to make sure it's passable.
  13:45:27  7 June 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378

---QUOTATION---
15 minutes is what I take to eat my dinner. You expect everyone else to be interested in your little adventure? Think again. Effort, buddy. The shortest story I'd ever written is 3 page long, and it took me a day to make sure it's passable.
---END QUOTATION---



That's cold, Amoki...but true.

Well, you have the ingredients for a good story, but you need to spend more time. Keep on workin', buddy.

P.S. Amoki, I am waiting for the rest of the storyline for "To Kill 5 Men" Did you forget?
  15:44:34  7 June 2005
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Beholder_fod
(Novice)
 
On forum: 06/06/2005
Messages: 2
Oh, I am for shamed! Whatever shall I do? *pouts* I think I’ll continue to post at my leisure, that sounds like a reasonable conclusion. But, regardless, I posted this just being one page and planned to keep posting pages as I go. I don’t have the time right now to put nearly as much time as I want into anything that isn’t work, so let’s make a deal; partner. When I’m done posting this story and trying to acquaint myself I might just sit down a day and see what I can’t do to improve it. Until then, nice meeting yah.
  22:51:40  7 June 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Oh, I am for shamed! Whatever shall I do? *pouts* I think I’ll continue to post at my leisure, that sounds like a reasonable conclusion. But, regardless, I posted this just being one page and planned to keep posting pages as I go. I don’t have the time right now to put nearly as much time as I want into anything that isn’t work, so let’s make a deal; partner. When I’m done posting this story and trying to acquaint myself I might just sit down a day and see what I can’t do to improve it. Until then, nice meeting yah.
---END QUOTATION---



Don't do so - you will become exhausted sooner than you think... and so will your audience's attention Do them as a 1-off project, fix 'em and tweak 'em before you start posting.

Siro - Sorry, I decide to go back to myself. Since I no longer have to commit myself to GSC, I have plenty of time to work on it... and frankly, I don't think letting you writing that story will really bring out the feeling I want it to be... "To kill 5 men" is not a "The Punisher" clone, but it is extremely easy to thread over that fine line sine there is a fair amount of violence invovled and also vengeance. It requires a delicate and refined touch to ensure that the readers really feel for the main character, his pain and loss. It's very easy for amateur fan-fiction writers to forget characterization for action (although sometimes I over-emphasis on chatacterization )
  17:34:08  8 June 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
 

Message edited by:
Siro
06/08/2005 17:35:55
Messages: 7378

---QUOTATION---
Oh, I am for shamed! Whatever shall I do? *pouts* I think I’ll continue to post at my leisure, that sounds like a reasonable conclusion. But, regardless, I posted this just being one page and planned to keep posting pages as I go. I don’t have the time right now to put nearly as much time as I want into anything that isn’t work, so let’s make a deal; partner. When I’m done posting this story and trying to acquaint myself I might just sit down a day and see what I can’t do to improve it. Until then, nice meeting yah.

Don't do so - you will become exhausted sooner than you think... and so will your audience's attention Do them as a 1-off project, fix 'em and tweak 'em before you start posting.

Siro - Sorry, I decide to go back to myself. Since I no longer have to commit myself to GSC, I have plenty of time to work on it... and frankly, I don't think letting you writing that story will really bring out the feeling I want it to be... "To kill 5 men" is not a "The Punisher" clone, but it is extremely easy to thread over that fine line sine there is a fair amount of violence invovled and also vengeance. It requires a delicate and refined touch to ensure that the readers really feel for the main character, his pain and loss. It's very easy for amateur fan-fiction writers to forget characterization for action (although sometimes I over-emphasis on chatacterization )
---END QUOTATION---



Yeah, Amoki us right. Yell ya what: you can write your story in an e-mail format whenever you feel like it, and save it befor you are done at times so you can continue later. Send it to Amoki if he approves of helping you and he will post it for you [if you still can, being stripped of your Moderator rank]

Amoki: I understand, but I kinda felt insulted by the immediate assumption that I will make "To kill 5 Men" into an action piece. You can't know for sure that I would've turned it into a generic hoo-ha action piece of crap. But then again, maybe I'm just too sensitive. Fux0r always pisses me off, so that might be true. Well, maybe you will give me something in the future.

P.S. Why did you get demoted all of a sudden?
  09:48:11  9 June 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Amoki: I understand, but I kinda felt insulted by the immediate assumption that I will make "To kill 5 Men" into an action piece. You can't know for sure that I would've turned it into a generic hoo-ha action piece of crap. But then again, maybe I'm just too sensitive. Fux0r always pisses me off, so that might be true. Well, maybe you will give me something in the future.

P.S. Why did you get demoted all of a sudden?
---END QUOTATION---



It's not you, but my experience just keep telling me that you can never write to the stage I want .

I did not get demoted - I resigned.
  15:12:34  11 June 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
that's too bad, I hope things will go better in the future...
 
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