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Der Letze Banshee

Question Is it good enough to be called good?
Answers
Yes.
Pretty much in between.
Almost there, buddy.
No.
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  22:56:31  23 April 2005
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annyon
(Novice)
 
On forum: 04/23/2005
Messages: 1
Der Letze Banshee

I sit here in this abandoned house near the border of the zone, and look at the old photographs left by the last intruders that stayed here. I see a photograph of a man with a funny looking mustache, holding a young girl in his arms like they were dancing. I see happy memories from when this world was clean and free of mutants. Then my fingers move to another old photograph, where a young boy and a white borzoi dog stand together. That was a time when man and beast were good trustworthy friends; now we’re enemies.

Finally after looking into the small red photo album, I decide to rest. I open up a door that is in the middle of the old hallway. There lays an old bony corpse on top of a rusty old bed. I investigate the body, too tired to be cautious, and see that in its right hand it clutches onto a small book. My hands reach out for it, removing the bony fingers that guard it. The cover of the book says, ‘DAIRY OF’, then a piece of paper that is taped near the bottom of the book reads, ‘Alesadr Guber’

I could tell he or she was Ukrainian because of the last name, as I blew away to aging dust that layered the small black book. Inside, on the first page, there was nothing. Then I hurried across the pages to page 50, where something was written and read,

April 12th, 2010:
Mum and dad have told me to gather all of my belongings. They are forcing us to move away from the disaster or so call the zone because we live too close to it. I don’t think I want to leave because I was born here; my country, and my home. I’m sure mum will allow me to take Jakob with me. He is an amazing dog and I love him. Sadly he has been gone for more than two days. Mum says that if he doesn’t return, then we have to leave without him.

Sign,
Alesadr Guber

My hands turn and turn to each empty page, as I found myself staring blank onto every page. Nothing. There was nothing in the pages but heavy dark marks left by unusual finger drags. Perhaps a gravitational field killed the boy or girl before he could escape. Then I remembered staring at the old photograph picture earlier, with boy and the Russian dog.

I was too tired, though, and decided to rest before investing further on. So I found myself a small closet in the death room to hide in and rest.

As morning arose, I could sense the presence of a being. Maybe a mutant had scented my trials from the wild fields in the zone to this house last night. I woke up in silence, finding my AK47 in my right arm, ready to press the trigger. Tension grew inside my head, leaving the traces of paranoia from my last encounter with a mutant.

Sweat ran down my face, as I heard footsteps of a staggering body thumping towards my hiding cover. I barley breathed, exhaling and inhaling only faintly. The sound of gooberish slobber and the smell of rotten flesh rushed towards my cover, as I dared a small peak outside of the closet.

My fingers slide opened the closet just enough to see the small child’s corpse on the bed I had tried to investigate last night. I hushed in fear, as my eyes peeked outside the sliding door. There by the bed, stood a zombie. His eyes were on my closet the whole time, as his pale face met mine. He staggered towards me with his eyes on mine. I shoved open the sliding door with my foot, then screamed and let out a pattern of bullets insanely as the monster fell.

The small room was dead silent, as I alertly hopped out of my hiding place. The small corpse of the boy was still in the same position, with the diary in the same location I had left it at last night by the corpse’s head. I sighed, searching for any lurking controllers nearby. None. My motion tracker showed no living sign of life beyond my surrounding.

My eyes, once again, met the ones of the zombies of whom was now the re-dead. He had died once, and once again he had fallen dead. I pitied the poor soul who was once inside that pale rotting body. His flesh was transparent, and his eyes white and pale.

I was surprised that I stood there for several more minutes, staring deeply into the zombie’s dead eyes. Afraid he would wake up again, and try attacking me.

I left immediately after glaring at the two corpses.

I packed my things, and for some odd reason I felt that it was necessary to pack the diary of Alesadr and probably his family’s photo album. I thought it was a mission for me, to find his family. I am a stalker though, and that got in my way of trying to solve this problem that lingered within my mind.

Along the way out, I noticed another corpse; one of a dog. It laid out there in the sun, still fresh. It was a borzoi dog.

TO BE CONTINUED…


Sorry if it isn't very understanding. I'm thirteen and I'm not the best writer. Crits and feedback welcomed, though, because I need lots of help on my writing skills.

Der Letze Banshee - The Last Banshee
  11:31:45  24 April 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Can't really get much to comment on - what you've written would have only taken me 2 hours to write (although you might take 1 whole night - English is not be your first language). I could not get into your story just yet, you will have to write longer to let me comment on it. Generally, unless you are really good at it, I'll need at least 3 pages of Word Doc. to find anything useful in your story. But keep it up - it'll be nice to hear more from you
  19:48:37  24 April 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
Wow, you're good for a 13-year-old. I'm in between 16-20 and my first attempt was less than satisfactory. Read 'The Line Between Humanity and Inhumanity and you will see how good you are compared to most other "authors" on this site/forum. Very detailed, flows nicely. Really makes you feel like the person with your details. Good job, keep writing.
 
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