| 23:32:25 13 April 2005
On forum: 04/13/2005
- The Shadows Fall -|
It rained once again, cold...wet...death. Birds flocked as the major storm rolled in, thunder from the distance could be heard. My hands shiver as I held the SVD Sniper Rifle, yes many would have said this old piece of crap couldn't shoot a fly off a tin can - but there wrong. Many were wrong, I was wrong, maybe god himself was wrong about this hell hole. Many Russians called it home, I call it hell...
Back to Chernobyl I go, it was still the same since I left just a few days ago. Chernobyl...Chernobyl....Chernobyl...I kept repeating the word into my mind. Kept playing the role that I was, kepy playing a fake in the world they call "Earth".
Soon the thunders rolled into site, it rained even harder, my cold frozen hand stopped shivering. My eye into the scope, searching for my prize, or for anything. My eye hurted just as bad as my frozen hand, it was swollen from the cold cool air and the freezing rain. For me, I believe that time was slowing down ever hour the more time I spend out here. I could no longer feel my feet, it too was cold and wet. The rain made the scope all blury, I kept wiping it with my dead hands so I could see clearly through the scope. My other eye spotted a crow on top of a beam sticking out from the rubbled ground, it sat there waiting for something also. I believe we were brothers in this god forsaken land, this crow was just scanning the air with its soaken feathers. It would not waste one minute to sleep, it would only waste one minute to find food.
- 8:16 P.M. -
I think I was beganning to catch a cold, my nose was starting to ooz out clear liquid, it felt just like water. Still there was nothing that my trained eye could spot. The crow was still there, not angry, not sad, it stood there with no emotion. No! I never seen a bird that had a facial expression. I think I was loosing my mind out here, it could be the radiation, or just the anamolies out here. Either way, I think I should get going.
Nope, still havn't left the site yet; and yes the crow was still there. I still havn't found of what I was looking for. Maybe, being sent out here was just a waste of time. Maybe I should just go back to the underground site. Now I could not feel my entire body, it was just frozen. It rained still, and thunder all around. It was dark as anything I could have been through. My eye's dilated and I could only see the outlines of things besides that I could see the things that the lightning provided.
- 9:30 P.M. -
Just before 9 o'clock, I spotted something in the distance. Probably about 50 yards off. I zoomed into the broken down building which used to be a pub. I didn't know what it was but it may have been those damn mutants. Argghh I hate them. I trained cold dead flesh to be fixed on that area.
I spotted it again! It was gray from what I could see. I must stay to my normal self and not get excited. The crow still stood there on that beam, as if it was watching over me...protecting me from what horrors might come from this beast I watch over.
I spotted it once more and from the looks of it, it was just about only 20 yards away. I still didn't see what it clearly was. I adjusted my scope to go to 20.3 yards off. Fixing my sights onto the target, hoping to get my prize. I could hardly wait to get it and be praised for my kill.
Its been a whole full hour and not seeing it move again, Im worried that this beast might do some cruel evil trick on me. Im not taking any chances, the posibility of me being spotted was low, I was hidden behind large rubble bricks and walls, impossible for anyone to see me...I think.
- 11:00 P.M. -
My neck hurts, my hands hurt, my body hurts. My muscle ach, and I think Im just about to past out. Hold up a minute! I think I spotted it just across the street. I aimed my scope upon it, taking my gentle sweet time, everything was now running into my mind, adrenaline was pumping into my blood stream. Just then I think my blood went from warm to cold steel. The crow still there watching my everymove, I watching everymove of this beast. I might as well kill it now and get it over with. Fixing my scope and the target I found something a bit funny...something was shiny, being reflected off. My mind went dull for a moment, then minutes, then 10 minutes. Then it went dead, I took my eye out from the scope, my mouth wide open. It just striked my like a big bag of bricks. "Oh...my...god" then silence.
The crow flew off, into the distance where the storm was clearing off. It flew high and above the storm clouds, finding its new hunting grounds. It never wanted to go back to that place again...
| 08:41:51 17 April 2005
back with a vengeance
On forum: 07/31/2003
Hmm... I think you do not really have a good idea of what you really want to write about. The idea is there... but it is very scattered. |
Think of writing a story as drawing a circle. The circumference is your story, but the centrepoint is your focus i.e what your story is about. Your problem is that your story do not have a consistent radius. The end picture is... ugly. While I general understand what your story is about, I don't like the overall picture of it. The story has no meaning, no point for the reader to appreciate the story.
I am not saying you should write something that is 10-20 pages long, but you should really sit down and consider what you want to write about before started. That way, you will be able to constantly know what you are writing about ,hence avoiding the problem I've mentioned.
As a recommendation, you should the story in the contest called "Through the eyes of a sniper". It is very similar to your story, only the author has an excellent focus of what he is writing about.
Great, independant Iraq War journalism: http://michaelyon.blogspot.com/
From the halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli'
We fight our countrys battles In the air', on land, and sea.
First to fight for right and freedom , And to keep our honor clean,
We are proud to claim the title Of United States Marines.
Our flags unfurl'd to every breeze From dawn to setting sun';
We have fought in every clime and place Where we could take a gun.
In the snow of far-off northern lands And in sunny tropic scenes,
You will find us always on the job - The United States Marines.
Here's health to you and to our Corps Which we are proud to serve;
In many a strife we've fought for life And never lost our nerve.
If the Army and the Navy Ever gaze on Heaven's scenes,
They will find the streets are guarded By United States Marines. - US Marines Hymn
| 20:57:39 24 April 2005
On forum: 10/06/2003
There are three things I noticed while reading this story.|
1. You need to practice writing more. You repeated adjectives a lot, your sentences didn't flow very well, and there were a lot of spelling errors. This isn't a MAJOR consideration, this being an international forum, but the better your can communicate to the reader, the more they will like the story.
2. As Amoki said, you don't really seem to know where you're going. It felt like you just had a little bit of an idea and started writing off of that. Your character was also rather plain. His feelings and thoughts weren't done well, and we didn't really know a lot about him.
3. However, despite those two points, there is something within the story that I liked. You had a few little tinges of atmosphere that I enjoyed. The raven, for example, an unnecessary detail perhaps, but it adds something to the story. And despite your numerous repeated adjectives of the character being 'frozen' and 'wet' (try different versions, like 'chilled' and 'soaked.'), you did convey a dark, wet atmosphere pretty well.
All-in-all, I would say you need more practice writing. Atmosphere is all well and good, but if there's no plot to hold up, or the reader has a hard time penetrating your writing style, the story falls down like a ton of bricks. I'd recommend reading the literary contest tips thread stickied at the top of the forum.
If the Boss says the passing crow is white, you must agree. --Yakuza saying