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The Line between Humanity and Inhumanity - By Siro

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  09:27:43  22 March 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
There is no such thing as a 'good' first story. Just remember that.
  09:42:45  22 March 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
Ok, thanks.
  17:52:21  3 April 2005
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FranzInc
(Novice)
 
On forum: 04/27/2004
 

Message edited by:
FranzInc
04/03/2005 17:53:58
Messages: 29
Hey, I finally finished your story. Between 5 classes and Neverwinter Nights, my shedule has been rather full lately
Anyways, I agree with most of the paragraphing/tabbing comments. Proper paragraphing not only makes it easier to read, but it can also make it more exciting. You don't only have to use new paragraphs when introducing new ideas or in dialogue, you can use them for emphasis. For example, lets say some heroes discover something shocking in their adventures:


"Our archnemisis Radon should be around here somewhere" said George The Mighty. He and Billium Vallium had been traversing the ruins for days, and found no trace of Radon and his evil hoard.

"Wait," exclaims Billium. "I see someone!"

Eagerly anticipated a great heroic battle, George snuck up upon the lone sinister figure Billium had pointed out. The bright red 'R' on the cape identified him as none-other then Radon. Just as George was about to pounce, his archnemisis whirled around. George froze in shock.

It was his father.


Okay, that was a little long, sorry. But you see what I mean how the last sentence is seperated into a paragraph of its own for emphasis? That's what I'm talking about.
Continuing on: Like Amoki said, there is no such thing as a good first story. I've been writing on and off since I was in grade 5, so my story is definately not my first. Also, you wrote a story in you're second language, which I think is commendable.
However, it is true that there is alot lacking in the story. I personally would have liked more explanation about the mysterious father figure of Chris. That plot point (as well as Nelson being evil) kinda took me by surprise, because there was nothing leading up to the fact, and no explanation for it afterwards. If you are gonna have some crazy plot twists like those, it would be nice if you hinted at Nelson's evil nature by making Anton discover him hoarding food or something, or hint at Chris's Father's involvment by having Chris talk about him as part of a conversation. Also, who the corperation was or what their goals were was lost on me. Your characters kept on mentioning 'incriminating evidence', but I had no idea what crimes they were talking about. This definately could use some clarification.
That said, I thought the dealers mission of searchign for the Helicopter turning into another, more mysterious mission was kind of interesting. It had alot of potential for plot twists and conspiracies, and if you had more experience, you could have made an interesting story around this event.
One nitpick: At the beginning, Chris seems so in awe of this Stalker Hero guy, yet he doesn't hesitate to insult him incredibly after they just met. I wouldn't think that someone who had respect for Anton would be such a jerk.
Overall, I think you had some interesting ideas in your story. If you keep that up, and practice on your structure and application of your ideas, I think you're stories will get alot better. Keep it up!
Franz LaZerte
  19:35:53  3 April 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
Thanks, man!! I am flattered by some of your comments, I hope you don't take offense to me using some of the dialogue from your story, just thought I would pay homage to a story that should be number one in the contest. I sent the e-mail to the address in your profile, maybe it didn't work. I actually almost cried when I made up Anton's personal life and ending, and I'm not just saying that to flatter my story, it is really flawed. And also, I don't think that it's very commendable that I am writing in my 3rd language, I mean obviously I have a really good grasp on it, though my vocabulary is stuck in the 90's.
 
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