ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
STALKER: Plains of evil Pt1

Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  06:22:31  11 January 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
FistMaster
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/11/2005
Messages: 2
STALKER: Plains of evil Pt1

I know I'm way too late for compo (Been living on marz )
So here's PT1 of my story I had written for the compo, before I realised it was over

If people want more then I shall put the rest up in sections here.

Feel free to give full critique, good or bad, it all helps

~

The hunched figure huddled further under the outcropping rocks, avoiding the burning rain dripping from the weathered edges. He squinted out through the downpour into the grey barren landscape.

“At least the rain keeps them away”, he half mumbled, half thought.

He wrapped his ragged, hooded cloak tighter against the biting wind and tried to alleviate the cramp in his tortured muscles. Three weeks he’d been hunting he reckoned, seemed like a lifetime out in this place. Time didn’t mean much here as every day looked like the previous. Many of the others had fallen long ago, succumbing either to the elements or victims to them.

He awoke from his half sleep to a soft padding noise coming from the embankment above him. Holding his breath back he tried to pick out where the noise was over the sound of his pounding heart, while he carefully unsheathed the knife. He had come across the massive blade embedded in a large boulder a few days ago, or was it longer back than that, he couldn’t remember, but it had already proven itself more capable than most of the weapons he had used up to now, when he ripped the chest open of one of the huge mutated creatures, spilling it’s heart, lungs and lifeblood over his battered and injured torso. He felt warmer gripping the leather strapped handle, his knuckles almost white and his arm tightened like a coiled spring. The noise moved above him again, allowing him to get a good guess of the sound maker’s position. He decided to wait it out, since going out in the rain was dangerous, the high acid levels burnt the eyes and skin, especially since he lost his goggles running from the pack of rats that found him in the village last week.

“I’m upwind of it anyway, so it’s not going to smell me”, he told himself.

Just then he heard a deep rumbling, like a distant earthquake, coming from on the ridge. This wasn’t one of them he had encountered before; this was something bigger, something that was not kept under cover by the burning rain, something very bad.
He tried to push himself further under the outcrop, almost willing himself into the rock and scrub. The thing on the ridge stopped its’ guttural noise and padded off Northwards, following the ridgeline.

Why had he come here? He tried to remember as his body cried out to him to release the tension built up, money? fame? Yes, he was promised both of those, but there was something else, a nagging somewhere inside him that he must come here, there was something that he would find here, something he felt was missing from himself, an answer. Exhaustion took over and he slumped into a heavy sleep.

Lightning blinded his eyes and thunder deafened his ears, he dreamt of a storm, not like any storm he knew of; storms he knew didn’t rip up buildings and toss them like paper toys, they didn’t smash through concrete like it wasn’t there, storms didn’t melt the flesh from bodies and turn the bones to ash with a searing white heat. He saw the huge curved edge of the storm heading towards him, charring all life in its’ path, he looked down and saw the skin and muscle falling off his hands, the bones bleached white, fading black, crumbling, feeling the intense pain and heat passing over him.

He screamed.

He was sitting bolt upright when he awoke, the rain had subsided and he let his eyes adjust to the yellow light of the mist flowing over the fields in front of him, they were starting to move again, wandering across the fields in search of anything edible revealed by the flooding water, black specks keeping low to the ground, moving slowly, always watching. He had learnt to spot them, some of the others hadn’t until too late, it was getting harder to move around now, the less others there were, the more likely he was to be spotted, without the distractions of easier targets.
He slowly and carefully woke his legs up, testing them for movement, like a runner limbering up for a race, and slowly he moved off, sticking to the bottom of the ridge, heading to the Northwest.

“I know that creature went this way”, he thought, “But it’s pointless me trying to go back, what it is I’m seeking is this way”.

He moved onward, towards the crumbling structures in the distance, as night started to fall he stopped more often, both to rest his body, but also to be more alert to anything moving about in the dark. The things that were out at night were far worse than the ones during the day, made even more so by the utter blackness playing mind games, imagining eyes peering at you, that went when you looked in their direction, dark objects that seemed to creep around just in your peripheral vision. Tonight was made especially more terrifying, the moon was in a new phase, and there were remnants of the storm clouds covering any stars that might have given him some way of guidance. He moved along almost on hands and knees, feeling his way along the used track. His ears picked up something behind and he quickly rolled himself off the path into the tree line, just as a pack of rats scurried past. He waited till he was certain they had all gone, as he didn’t want to poke his head out to come face to face with one of those dog-sized creatures, instead he fished around inside his torn and dirty jacket and carefully opened one of the ration pouches and took out some of the biscuits he had bought from the ‘grocer’ back in the rat village, cost him two packs of cigarettes,

“Better than roubles, you have to be alive to enjoy money.” He told himself,
“Damn expensive biscuits. At least the men he took the packs off weren’t going to miss them where they were.” He thought as he chewed purposefully on the hard stale biscuits.
He tried to comfort himself, “Stale is better anyway, stops them sniffing ‘em out.”

He moved on once he had finished and after several hours of painfully slow progress he finally reached the edge of the woods. He could see lights in the half demolished structures, which cast eerie contrasts of light and shadow throughout the devastated town.

The easiest way to the town was across the old rail bridge that lay directly ahead of him, it was clear for the first third, then there was several boxcars and trucks derailed. He didn’t like the prospect of bumping into anything or anyone on the bridge, or in those cars, especially as the grey sunlight was starting to make its way onto the horizon, looking about in the dim half light he saw a stream down below, and decided it was the better option. He crept down the bank, trying not to lose his footing on the loose shale and managed to reach the bottom with only a few scratches to his hands. He pulled out a small bottle of vodka from one of his many jacket pockets and rubbed some into the wounds, wincing at the stinging,

“Better to stop infections out here”, he mumbled as he applied bandages to the cleaned wounds. He took a small swig of the vodka before carefully replacing it in the same pocket he had taken it from, ensuring he fastened the pocket up securely. He set off across the shallow river keeping to rocks protruding from the water, while trying to stay in the shadow of the bridge above. He reached the other side without further mishap and quietly climbed the steep slope leading up to the tracks, laying prone as he neared the top and stopping to listen for any signs of life. Deciding it was safe he crawled on his stomach until he reached the plateau, where he rested for a few minutes; most of the lights he had seen earlier had gone out now.

“Must be somebody down there.” He concluded.

He started to make his way down towards the town…
  15:56:50  12 January 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
It's pretty good so far. I like how you write. This knife (artifact?) sounds interesting, and I'm willing to see how far you go with it. There's not too much in the way of plot or characterization in this part yet, so hopefully you'll be able to develop these more in further installments.

My only suggestion would be that you don't always have to have the stalker think something aloud, when instead you can just state it, like:


---QUOTATION---
“I know that creature went this way”, he thought, “But it’s pointless me trying to go back, what it is I’m seeking is this way”.
---END QUOTATION---



Could be changed to:


---QUOTATION---
He knew the creature went that way, but it was pointless to try to go back when what he sought lay that way.
---END QUOTATION---



It gives the reader more of a feeling of being inside the character's head and feeling and thinking what he's feeling and thinking, instead of being outside his head and being told what he's feeling and thinking.

You don't have to do this if you don't want to, it's just a suggestion after all.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing what the next part has in it.
  02:14:05  13 January 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
FistMaster
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/11/2005
Messages: 2
Thanks for the suggestion regarding the stalker thought method, I sometimes lose track of differing the flow as I tend to write 'Tolkienesk' in that I have the whole story laid out in my mind and tweak the thoughts as I put it onto paper, rather than making notes etc.

I like my stories to reveal their characters and plots as they unfold, rather than lay all the cards face up on the table from the deal. I find it tends to keep the reader intrigued and they read on to find out what happens next. (Kind of like a murder story)

I'll certainly use your suggestion though, as it makes a hell of a difference.

Pt2 should be along shortly...
  05:43:06  13 January 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168

---QUOTATION---
Thanks for the suggestion regarding the stalker thought method, I sometimes lose track of differing the flow as I tend to write 'Tolkienesk' in that I have the whole story laid out in my mind and tweak the thoughts as I put it onto paper, rather than making notes etc.

---END QUOTATION---



Ok, I was just making sure you kept it in mind. I read a bunch of the stories submitted to the contest (though not nearly as many as Amoki), and it's amazing how many would forget one or both of those things.

Looking forward to reading the next part.
  07:42:02  20 February 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Natace
Independant games developer.
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 02/13/2005
Messages: 618
he is writing from a 1st person perspective, its a good story buddy, even if it is too late to enter in the comp.
It made sense to me and i was picturing myself in his shoes, you describe:
-the scene/s
-the character
-the sounds even

and your gave the reader a feeling of tension, good job. i would write one but i dont think i have the time, nor would it really matter, seeming the comp is over neway, and trust me, when i write a story i cant stop, lol.
  08:50:21  20 February 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
he is writing from a 1st person perspective, its a good story buddy, even if it is too late to enter in the comp.
It made sense to me and i was picturing myself in his shoes, you describe:
-the scene/s
-the character
-the sounds even

and your gave the reader a feeling of tension, good job. i would write one but i dont think i have the time, nor would it really matter, seeming the comp is over neway, and trust me, when i write a story i cant stop, lol.
---END QUOTATION---



Argh, too bad
  03:28:44  13 April 2005
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Silent_Hunter
(Novice)
 
On forum: 04/13/2005
Messages: 2
Maybe you should start up a thread for basic Fanfics that people want to put up.
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2021 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.