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Fallen -DES

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  10:12:27  13 October 2004
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Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
 

Message edited by:
Double Edged Sword
10/13/2004 10:16:33
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---
As for the real life things, I've mentioned most eye-offending stuff before. But even if you change it, your story still would not FEEL right to someone who had grown up in USSR. I see no way to fix it.

But, important thing. "Lukov" is a last name! So "Lukov Merinov" sonds like "Smith Johnson". Even worse, really - Russian first names are much more conservative than American.
If you like it so much, make him Ivan (Andrey, Sergey, Aleksandr, Leonid, whatever) Lukov. There is nothing wrong in adressing person by last name, especially in army (Leutenant Lukov, comrade Lukov). Plus, you can toy with "real lastname vs evil stepfather's lastname" thing.

---END QUOTATION---



Spot on. I didn't want to change it because, as Amoki had mentioned, the story is targeted for Western audience, not for Russian or CIS (well, for starters, I am very surprised to have you here! ). The name part doesn't really make a real difference to most Western Audience if they don't know. Say, like amoki's real name: It doesn't matter to a Russian whether he is called Amos Chua, or Chua Amos, or Chua Jong Yih, or Jong Yih Chua, or Amos Jong Yih Chua. It is just a name for him- you would have a somewhat confusing time to determine which is his family name anyway. (Well, his real name is Amos Chua Jong Yih though ) A Russian doesn't really know how a Chinese's name goes like until he is told, so it doesn't matter when he knows it or not, it is just a name.

Besides, Sergey, Yuri, Alexei... Those names are used to a point of exploitation in the contest, no point chucking another in the pool of goo- so using Lukov Merinov might be to my advantage as the name itself makes the character memorable.

It is too late to change anything though - I submitted it.
  09:25:07  13 October 2004
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SkyDweller
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/01/2004
Messages: 41

---QUOTATION---
SO did you find anything vulerable in "Fallen", Skydweller?

---END QUOTATION---



Well, there was little sci-fi in part that I've red, and I have a month-long list of other stuff I want to read first. Sorry.

As for the real life things, I've mentioned most eye-offending stuff before. But even if you change it, your story still would not FEEL right to someone who had grown up in USSR. I see no way to fix it.

But, important thing. "Lukov" is a last name! So "Lukov Merinov" sonds like "Smith Johnson". Even worse, really - Russian first names are much more conservative than American.
If you like it so much, make him Ivan (Andrey, Sergey, Aleksandr, Leonid, whatever) Lukov. There is nothing wrong in adressing person by last name, especially in army (Leutenant Lukov, comrade Lukov). Plus, you can toy with "real lastname vs evil stepfather's lastname" thing.
  06:45:25  10 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
hey Ian...
  05:19:38  9 October 2004
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Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---
I am sure that someone will comment soon enough...

OK, I'll do it
DES, have you seen my comments on this story when part of it was posted by amoki?
It is still in archive part of forum. If its not, I can post it again.

---END QUOTATION---



Ah Great! Finally... I suppose I went up the wall when there was no reply. Looks like I am wrong after all.


---QUOTATION---
I haven't really read the rest of story but I stumbled upon this:
  07:02:06  8 October 2004
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SkyDweller
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/01/2004
Messages: 41

---QUOTATION---
I am sure that someone will comment soon enough...
---END QUOTATION---



OK, I'll do it
DES, have you seen my comments on this story when part of it was posted by amoki?
It is still in archive part of forum. If its
not, I can post it again.

I haven't really read the rest of story but I stumbled upon this:


---QUOTATION---
  06:27:29  8 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Hey, amoki, I don't get it. Why would you read all the contest entries TWICE (as you have told me), when these guys don't even bother to take half an hour or so to read the stories you ask them to read? You are doing too much for them. These guys are just a bunch of losers. Exams and Sats? Big Deal. Both you and I have exams in 5 weeks time, and you are still trying to finish what 'atem' asked you to do.

You are doing too much, amoki. These guys don't even know you are doing it for their good.
---END QUOTATION---



Give the guys a chance. Everyone as busy as you and me, now that the exams are upon us all. Cool down, you are too being too hot. I am sure that someone will comment soon enough...
  19:03:58  7 October 2004
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Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8
Hey, amoki, I don't get it. Why would you read all the contest entries TWICE (as you have told me), when these guys don't even bother to take half an hour or so to read the stories you ask them to read? You are doing too much for them. These guys are just a bunch of losers. Exams and Sats? Big Deal. Both you and I have exams in 5 weeks time, and you are still trying to finish what 'atem' asked you to do.

You are doing too much, amoki. These guys don't even know you are doing it for their good.
  05:00:37  7 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Hey amoki, I was expecting a better reception than this. What happened? Especially Grisly Silence, the only one who commented on "Through the eyes of a sniper" ?
---END QUOTATION---



Don't worry, your review will come out some day... I hope Let just say that most of them here are too busy anyway.
  04:41:49  7 October 2004
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Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8
Hey amoki, I was expecting a better reception than this. What happened? Especially Grisly Silence, the only one who commented on "Through the eyes of a sniper" ?
  05:02:02  6 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
01/31/2005 7:07:31
Messages: 1729
It was deja vu again for him all over again. He experienced what he felt again all over again. In due time, he arrived at his mother?s bed. His mother was sleeping this time.

“I want to reveal myself,” he wished. He didn’t feel any changes to his body, but he guessed it didn’t mind anyway.

“Ma… wake up.” Softly, he whispered into her ear.

The woman woke up. “Hi, Lukov, it is you again.” Then this time, she saw Lukov’s chest. “Oh… you’re bleeding.” For some unexplainable reason, the wound was in his ghost image.

“Ma, I come to say goodbye.”

“Did your friends survive? Do you feel your death worth it?”

He pondered, and nodded.

“Yes, ma. I am the only casualty. But I died an honourable death, I think. I…”

“Keep it to yourself, son.” His mother said, putting a finger to her lips next. “We don’t have much time left. Tell me, how do you manage to do this, this… ghost thing? I am
curious.”

“The Motherland wants me to work at The Exclusion Zone in Chernobyl. We have an unusual thing… artefact we call it. It allowed all this.”

“Not all things that come from bad things are evil after all,” Yuliya smiled. “A mother’s wish is to see his son for the last time when his son is dying. The… artefact, you say, it granted me that wish.”

“Yes, ma, it did.”

Lukov suddenly felt a tug. It was time.

“Ma, it is time for me to go now.”

“Yes, yes, go away from you mother like you don’t care,” she joked, then her facial expression changed to a more serious look, this time more sad.

“Goodbye, Lukov. I love you. I am going to miss you.”

The tug pulled him back to the house, through matter, and into his original building.


"Sir, keep still! You are in shock; you are talking to imaginary things. You will survive. Don't move, don?t think. Just be still!" the medic now ordered.

"We did good," Lukov said, his face now blossomed into a smile.

"Yes, we did well, my young lieutenant," the Sergeant said. "We did well."

"I have fallen, but not in grace... in honour. Take good care of my men, Sergeant."

That was when the grip was released.

“Sergeant! He is going into a coma!” the medic yelled. “Doing CPR. 1,2,3,4,5, breath. 1,2,3,4,5, breath. 1,2,3,4,5, breath. Come on! 1,2,3,4,5, breath! Chert Vozmi! sir, breath! ”

“Lukov… you will survive. You will survive!” The Sergeant yelled. “There are no dead heroes, remember? You are a Spetznaz, your duty IS to survive.”

No response. The Sergeant shook the lieutenant’s body, but he knew the answer even before he did it.

It was futile. The medic gave up soon enough.

“Sir… he is dead.”

It was then the pickup helicopter flew past. A moment too late.

“That was a good man that died today,” the Sergeant sighed, standing up and took a deep breath. Then, nonchalantly, he stood up, acting as if nothing had happened.

“Anyone fancy a drink? The drinks on me when we get back.”


***

Epilogue

Debriefing, 2 days later.

“So they call this thing “Wish Rock” in the paper?” Colonel Bakineyev asked, to sooth his curiosity. “I am amused. Why those words?”

The Intelligence Official looked thoughtful as he wondered whether to tell the Spetznaz division commander.

“They accidentally created this… device, although not say how. We suspect it may be the same way how the artefacts formed in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone. But this rock must have been formed before The Second Explosion. The paper had not been exposed to air for a long time, nor weakened by radiation. And judging from the way that the briefcase itself suffered no damage from corrosion not melted, it must have been locked in the safe of the research director.”

“So what can you tell me about this artefact?”

“A lot. We tested it after the research paper in the briefcase instructed how. The paper said something like this: the rock serves as a catalyst to accelerate the formation of thoughts and ideas of an individual into an existing conscious. We still need to test what is that suppose to mean, but the fruits of this wonder has come. Only yesterday, a KGB officer peered into the thoughts of the intelligence pigs of the corrupted West. They found a secret tunnel underneath our embassy at Washington. We stormed the tunnel a few hours ago. There were agents inside listening to us that very minute. You should see how they squealed when we led them away! American pigs, and they actually thought they were invincible. Hah, that’ll teach them.”

“Wonderful!”

“It is. We have yet to discover the full potential, but you can imagine the yield.”

“So the death of one of my men is worth it?”

“Yes… what was his name again?”

“Lieutenant Lukov Merinov, son of Mikhail Merinov…”
“Mikhail Merinov! Hah!” The Intelligence Officer laughed aloud. “That committee member?”

“Yes.”

“He is nothing! He is a black-market operator who brings in goods from the West. The Party Leader promoted him to Committee Member so that he could get more vintage wine from the West, France I think. Or fur coat and jewellery for his wife. Or anything he wants from the West. But he is nothing, trust me, and the same goes to his useless sons. He is, how the saying goes again, a small fry. He only holds the smallest position in the party hierarchy, and even so, the Party Leader said he pretended to like him when Mikhail was around. The Party Leader is using him, nothing else.”

“Well… Lukov certainly doesn’t seem like his true son then…”

“Indeed he is not! Don’t you know? When the Party Leader wanted to chose a family for the “Model Family of the Ukraine” party competition, Mikhail adopted Lukov so that he can get a higher chance of winning! Of course, the Party Leader is not impressed. Too bad for him.”

“Oh?” The Spetznaz sub-commander mused. “I never heard of that before.”

“Don’t tell that to anyone though. I don’t think you want to suffer the wrath of Mikhail, however small his post is.”

“So what would happen to the squad then? The ‘Hammer’?”

“They will be awarded the Order of Lenin. They contributed to their country, after all. The Sergeant will be promoted to Lieutenant, even though he had history with one of the Central Party Committee Member in Moscow. His contribution outranks his ‘sin’. Of course, I trust we can hear nothing from them. The last thing we need is The West hearing of such potent weapon. Even now, a platoon of Spetznaz is constantly guarding the artefact around the clock.”

"So... what damage did the renegade captain done to us?"

"We can never be sure. ‘Uninvolved' officers are being pulled out, but those involved in high ranks of stalker clans are at risk. They will continue to be there, constantly at risk of being ransomed by what remains of 'Duty' and The Leader. But no for long- at what time is convenient, he will be brought to the real world and incarcerated and become a bargaining chip for our spies."

“Well, I believe the debriefing is done. Thank you.”

“And thanks to you too… for choosing the men of such calibre for such risky mission.” The Intelligence Officer stood to leave. “Until next time, when your recover something of great interest from The Zone.”

After the Intelligence Officer left, the Spetznaz commander shook his head. “Well, at least Lukov has fallen for his ideas. Lots of people are angry because he never turned up.”


The End
 
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