ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
Fallen -DES

« Previous 10 events | 1 2 3 | Next 10 events »| All Messages
Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  05:19:38  9 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---
I am sure that someone will comment soon enough...

OK, I'll do it
DES, have you seen my comments on this story when part of it was posted by amoki?
It is still in archive part of forum. If its not, I can post it again.

---END QUOTATION---



Ah Great! Finally... I suppose I went up the wall when there was no reply. Looks like I am wrong after all.


---QUOTATION---
I haven't really read the rest of story but I stumbled upon this:
  06:45:25  10 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
hey Ian...
  09:25:07  13 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
SkyDweller
(Novice)
 
On forum: 07/01/2004
Messages: 41

---QUOTATION---
SO did you find anything vulerable in "Fallen", Skydweller?

---END QUOTATION---



Well, there was little sci-fi in part that I've red, and I have a month-long list of other stuff I want to read first. Sorry.

As for the real life things, I've mentioned most eye-offending stuff before. But even if you change it, your story still would not FEEL right to someone who had grown up in USSR. I see no way to fix it.

But, important thing. "Lukov" is a last name! So "Lukov Merinov" sonds like "Smith Johnson". Even worse, really - Russian first names are much more conservative than American.
If you like it so much, make him Ivan (Andrey, Sergey, Aleksandr, Leonid, whatever) Lukov. There is nothing wrong in adressing person by last name, especially in army (Leutenant Lukov, comrade Lukov). Plus, you can toy with "real lastname vs evil stepfather's lastname" thing.
  10:12:27  13 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
 

Message edited by:
Double Edged Sword
10/13/2004 10:16:33
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---
As for the real life things, I've mentioned most eye-offending stuff before. But even if you change it, your story still would not FEEL right to someone who had grown up in USSR. I see no way to fix it.

But, important thing. "Lukov" is a last name! So "Lukov Merinov" sonds like "Smith Johnson". Even worse, really - Russian first names are much more conservative than American.
If you like it so much, make him Ivan (Andrey, Sergey, Aleksandr, Leonid, whatever) Lukov. There is nothing wrong in adressing person by last name, especially in army (Leutenant Lukov, comrade Lukov). Plus, you can toy with "real lastname vs evil stepfather's lastname" thing.

---END QUOTATION---



Spot on. I didn't want to change it because, as Amoki had mentioned, the story is targeted for Western audience, not for Russian or CIS (well, for starters, I am very surprised to have you here! ). The name part doesn't really make a real difference to most Western Audience if they don't know. Say, like amoki's real name: It doesn't matter to a Russian whether he is called Amos Chua, or Chua Amos, or Chua Jong Yih, or Jong Yih Chua, or Amos Jong Yih Chua. It is just a name for him- you would have a somewhat confusing time to determine which is his family name anyway. (Well, his real name is Amos Chua Jong Yih though ) A Russian doesn't really know how a Chinese's name goes like until he is told, so it doesn't matter when he knows it or not, it is just a name.

Besides, Sergey, Yuri, Alexei... Those names are used to a point of exploitation in the contest, no point chucking another in the pool of goo- so using Lukov Merinov might be to my advantage as the name itself makes the character memorable.

It is too late to change anything though - I submitted it.
  18:48:24  13 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
As for the real life things, I've mentioned most eye-offending stuff before. But even if you change it, your story still would not FEEL right to someone who had grown up in USSR. I see no way to fix it.

But, important thing. "Lukov" is a last name! So "Lukov Merinov" sonds like "Smith Johnson". Even worse, really - Russian first names are much more conservative than American.
If you like it so much, make him Ivan (Andrey, Sergey, Aleksandr, Leonid, whatever) Lukov. There is nothing wrong in adressing person by last name, especially in army (Leutenant Lukov, comrade Lukov). Plus, you can toy with "real lastname vs evil stepfather's lastname" thing.


Spot on. I didn't want to change it because, as Amoki had mentioned, the story is targeted for Western audience, not for Russian or CIS (well, for starters, I am very surprised to have you here! ). The name part doesn't really make a real difference to most Western Audience if they don't know. Say, like amoki's real name: It doesn't matter to a Russian whether he is called Amos Chua, or Chua Amos, or Chua Jong Yih, or Jong Yih Chua, or Amos Jong Yih Chua. It is just a name for him- you would have a somewhat confusing time to determine which is his family name anyway. (Well, his real name is Amos Chua Jong Yih though ) A Russian doesn't really know how a Chinese's name goes like until he is told, so it doesn't matter when he knows it or not, it is just a name.

Besides, Sergey, Yuri, Alexei... Those names are used to a point of exploitation in the contest, no point chucking another in the pool of goo- so using Lukov Merinov might be to my advantage as the name itself makes the character memorable.

It is too late to change anything though - I submitted it.
---END QUOTATION---





You... play... with my name... wil kick your ass that it will hurt so much next time I get your hands on you....
  20:14:37  13 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
IceShade
Tactical Ignorance
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 04/05/2004
Messages: 1037
Easy Amoki .. Eaaasy. You're the good guy remember?
  04:46:28  14 October 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Easy Amoki .. Eaaasy. You're the good guy remember?
---END QUOTATION---



No worries - he is one of my pals Just kidding

Although one of these days he might got hit in a dark valley with a baseball bat that is
  04:35:51  11 November 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this. Combination of busy-ness/procrastination.

I really liked the story. I particularly enjoyed the parts delving into Lukov's past. I kept on looking forward to reading the next section on him. I like how you switched back and forth from past to present, it really helped to bring it all to it's climactic conclusion. Also, your dialogue is top-notch. Flows very well.

There's some generic sentence/grammar problems that could be smoothed over with some revision, but with an international contest like this, such things matter little.

One last thing that I noticed: In the first part you say that the spetznaz are outnumbered 20-1, and before that you are talking about them moving the body of the controller, etc. and it seems that there are about 7 spetznaz. That would mean that there are 140 Duty stalkers. I remember the game website saying that there are only about 120 stalker TOTAL in the Zone. If this is just an incident of creative licence, then I don't care. Just wanted to bring that to your attention.

All-in-all a very enjoyable story. On par with all of the popular stories in the contest.
  19:14:57  11 November 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8
Ah right! Finally an appreciative reader! L)

To be honest, I have no idea of how many Duty Stalkers that I should chuck in, because.... there isn't any hint of how many there is. I want to give a feeling that they are being outnumbered, the only thing that prevented them from being swarmed is 1) The suitcase which The Duty wants badly and 2) the 'fireshield'. Also, I want the feeling that The Duty want the suitcase bad, as you might have understand how 'badly' The Leader wants it. The number is 25:1 at best guess in the story to be precise.

There are actually 8 Spetznaz in my story, but the general group is represented by the enigmatic Sergeant. Maybe the following might idenitfies it for you:
1) Lukov
2)Sergeant
3) The Joker (the one who is always making the funny comments)
4) The Radioman
5) The Sniper
and 3 more generic characters.

If there is one thing amoki has taught me well, it is not to involve too much chatacters and details in a fanfic, and the best example is probably his first works AND "Prey of One". That's why you wouldn't see any name.

Initially I made a serious mistake 3 4 2 = 9 , when it is suppose to be 3 3 2 .But later on number is more 'constant'. I leaved a lot of trial about the numbers of Spetznaz involved though:
1) 6 soldiers cleaning weapon, a sniper and radioman upstairs.
2) 8 parachute blossomed into the Zone when they dropped into The Zone
  19:27:15  5 December 2004
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
Sorry for taking so long to read this, finally finished my twelve hour shifts and got my head in order enough to take it all in - and I'm glad I did!

The whole story feels very solid and complete, your willingness to build up background like that of the Party Members and various factions all involved in cloak & dagger comes across as both confident and integral to the immersion of the reader in the 'world' of the zone.

Characters were real, no overblown stereotypes with an M-60 in each hand ( speaking of which, the tactical data on weapons and vehicles given over was very interesting, but not so in depth that it threatened to lose the reader ).

Lukov was a well developed and sympathetic character, some may find the 'Deus Ex Machina' ( basically means a device or character introduced to explain or resolve an integral part of the story ) of the artifact which enabled him to speak to his mother again somewhat far-fetched, but at least it offered a sense of resolution and closure which is so often lacking in similarly bleak, militaristic tales.

Dialogue, as mentioned, was always intriguing and fast-paced, particularly the last scene involving a pistol standoff - revelations were fired off like revolver bullets as the whole thing sprinted to a head, there was a definite pace and tension there which kept me hooked to it.

Okay, now the not so good;

As Grisly mentioned, grammar needs polishing and can be a little distracting at times, for anyone willing to go with the story this is quite far from a huge issue but may put off more 'casual' readers, which would be a shame.

There are some cliches in there, nothing a quick edit couldn't fix, "It was a dark and stormy night" is perhaps the worst offender, made (in)famous by use in quite a few trashy novels, and one or two descriptions which didn't make sense "the wind silently bellowed" ( I understand what you were going for, but something can't bellow if its silent ).

Also the Deus Ex Machina I mentioned earlier might stick in some people's throats, although personally I didn't have a big problem with it.

All in all, this was a great piece. Without meaning to sound patronizing, it is very heartening to see how far your writing has come since first starting out, I was flailing around for at least a few years before my quality improved one iota!

Nice work.
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2021 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.