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Fallen -DES

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  09:26:20  26 April 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378

---QUOTATION---
Amoki, sorry I always confuse reviews with plot synopis , so here is the review:

I read Fallen and was intrigued by the way the life of Lukov was told, it actually made you think what you would do in situation like this [Mikhail was just asking for it ]. On some parts it just felt, I can't think of another word, "dry". I mean something happens but you just don't feel it or visualize it. Maybe that is just me, but that sometimes ruins a story for me, a story like CrystallinSiblings was constantly plagued with such problems. Fallen has a pretty hard plot, hard I mean to implement into Stalker but it worked out really well. I am also kind of confused, Ukraine isn't communist right now and the story takes place in the future, so why is it Communist all of a sudden? The characterization of some people in the story was done really well, like Sasha Porkayev, the Dealer, the Sergeant and the Hammer Sniper. The plot was really well thought out and, being new to syntax and all, I didn't notice any errors or problems. The story flowed pretty well, but as a person who has trouble visualizing some things, I lacked details on what some things looked like. The Duty clan wears gray protective suits, I know that, but what about the Zone protection force? You said they were military Stalkers, so do they look like the Military Stalkers in the profile on the site or do they wear normal Spetsnaz camo? In my story, I constantly forgot to describe things and their appearance [what kind of tank was the one that rumbled out of the bushes in my story? I forgot about that]
that is not a huge problem in stories, but adds to the "dry" effect I talked about. Overall, Fallen in my opinion, is an above average fanfic. It has some elements that make it into a really proffessional sounding piece of literature, but is plagued by the "dry" effect [wait, I GOT IT! The "dry" effect is when something is hard to visualize, so therefore you are confused on what is happening]. Really nice, and sounds like a lot of effort was put into it. Personally, not my kind of story, but reaches around the barrier in some places.

Right. The models of type of stalkers in The Zone is here: http://www.stalker-game.com/index.php?t=game&s=creatures Everythhing is according to the models there.

Everything I have writen is according to the books, literally. STALKER is set in an alternative history, not set in the present time (if you want prove, look at the webasite - transaction are carried out it Soviet Rubles instead of Ukrainian Hryvnias ). The same goes with vehicles. The only things that are original are: 1) The T-80 tank, which is Russian made of course 2) The "Wish Rock". This story is written for people who have gone through everything in the website, so it is not hard to imagine why you have trouble visualizing it - perhaps you have not gone through everything in the webiste

AS for the above average grade... tell me which story does it better ,will you. It's not hard to compare really according to Amoki: not a lot of story has Russian swears (in fact, there is only 1 STALKER fanfic that use Russian swears), not a lot of story put in more characters than mine and manage to give them identity (talking type, temper, etc.), and most important of all, not a lot of story has such a solid plot that, by the time you're finished you know everything about the main characters and possibly some of the other characters

Also, as for the P.S part... dunno. But don't start bragging around, because you might get me into trouble. I use this nick for a reason.
---END QUOTATION---



Well, A Piece of the Puzzle does it for me, but I did have some trouble on the Assassin part. All stories have the "dry" effect, it is unavoidable, but the story I told you about has only one such scene, and that is impressive, but it is a little shorter. Through the Eyes of a Sniper was completely void of the "dry" effect, everything was written so well that it was easy to visualize, I liked it. Your story is in third for me, but you do have some competition from the new story that was just posted, he is pretty good, I forgot the name of the story though, something German.
  21:17:44  25 April 2005
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Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8

---QUOTATION---
Amoki, sorry I always confuse reviews with plot synopis , so here is the review:

I read Fallen and was intrigued by the way the life of Lukov was told, it actually made you think what you would do in situation like this [Mikhail was just asking for it ]. On some parts it just felt, I can't think of another word, "dry". I mean something happens but you just don't feel it or visualize it. Maybe that is just me, but that sometimes ruins a story for me, a story like CrystallinSiblings was constantly plagued with such problems. Fallen has a pretty hard plot, hard I mean to implement into Stalker but it worked out really well. I am also kind of confused, Ukraine isn't communist right now and the story takes place in the future, so why is it Communist all of a sudden? The characterization of some people in the story was done really well, like Sasha Porkayev, the Dealer, the Sergeant and the Hammer Sniper. The plot was really well thought out and, being new to syntax and all, I didn't notice any errors or problems. The story flowed pretty well, but as a person who has trouble visualizing some things, I lacked details on what some things looked like. The Duty clan wears gray protective suits, I know that, but what about the Zone protection force? You said they were military Stalkers, so do they look like the Military Stalkers in the profile on the site or do they wear normal Spetsnaz camo? In my story, I constantly forgot to describe things and their appearance [what kind of tank was the one that rumbled out of the bushes in my story? I forgot about that]
that is not a huge problem in stories, but adds to the "dry" effect I talked about. Overall, Fallen in my opinion, is an above average fanfic. It has some elements that make it into a really proffessional sounding piece of literature, but is plagued by the "dry" effect [wait, I GOT IT! The "dry" effect is when something is hard to visualize, so therefore you are confused on what is happening]. Really nice, and sounds like a lot of effort was put into it. Personally, not my kind of story, but reaches around the barrier in some places.
---END QUOTATION---



Right. The models of type of stalkers in The Zone is here: http://www.stalker-game.com/index.php?t=game&s=creatures Everythhing is according to the models there.

Everything I have writen is according to the books, literally. STALKER is set in an alternative history, not set in the present time (if you want prove, look at the webasite - transaction are carried out it Soviet Rubles instead of Ukrainian Hryvnias ). The same goes with vehicles. The only things that are original are: 1) The T-80 tank, which is Russian made of course 2) The "Wish Rock". This story is written for people who have gone through everything in the website, so it is not hard to imagine why you have trouble visualizing it - perhaps you have not gone through everything in the webiste

AS for the above average grade... tell me which story does it better ,will you. It's not hard to compare really according to Amoki: not a lot of story has Russian swears (in fact, there is only 1 STALKER fanfic that use Russian swears), not a lot of story put in more characters than mine and manage to give them identity (talking type, temper, etc.), and most important of all, not a lot of story has such a solid plot that, by the time you're finished you know everything about the main characters and possibly some of the other characters

Also, as for the P.S part... dunno. But don't start bragging around, because you might get me into trouble. I use this nick for a reason.
  16:07:59  25 April 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
04/25/2005 20:57:00
Messages: 7378
Amoki, sorry I always confuse reviews with plot synopis , so here is the review:

I read Fallen and was intrigued by the way the life of Lukov was told, it actually made you think what you would do in situation like this [Mikhail was just asking for it ]. On some parts it just felt, I can't think of another word, "dry". I mean something happens but you just don't feel it or visualize it. Maybe that is just me, but that sometimes ruins a story for me, a story like CrystallinSiblings was constantly plagued with such problems. Fallen has a pretty hard plot, hard I mean to implement into Stalker but it worked out really well. I am also kind of confused, Ukraine isn't communist right now and the story takes place in the future, so why is it Communist all of a sudden? The characterization of some people in the story was done really well, like Sasha Porkayev, the Dealer, the Sergeant and the Hammer Sniper. The plot was really well thought out and, being new to syntax and all, I didn't notice any errors or problems. The story flowed pretty well, but as a person who has trouble visualizing some things, I lacked details on what some things looked like. The Duty clan wears gray protective suits, I know that, but what about the Zone protection force? You said they were military Stalkers, so do they look like the Military Stalkers in the profile on the site or do they wear normal Spetsnaz camo? In my story, I constantly forgot to describe things and their appearance [what kind of tank was the one that rumbled out of the bushes in my story? I forgot about that]
that is not a huge problem in stories, but adds to the "dry" effect I talked about. Overall, Fallen in my opinion, is an above average fanfic. It has some elements that make it into a really proffessional sounding piece of literature, but is plagued by the "dry" effect [wait, I GOT IT! The "dry" effect is when something is hard to visualize, so therefore you are confused on what is happening]. Really nice, and sounds like a lot of effort was put into it. Personally, not my kind of story, but reaches around the barrier in some places.
  21:40:32  15 March 2005
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NRaider
(Senior)
 
On forum: 03/06/2005
Messages: 95
well Im not that guys who wrights long comments but I got 1 thing to say:

I love Your stories DES, keepem comming!!! ;D
  19:27:15  5 December 2004
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Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
Sorry for taking so long to read this, finally finished my twelve hour shifts and got my head in order enough to take it all in - and I'm glad I did!

The whole story feels very solid and complete, your willingness to build up background like that of the Party Members and various factions all involved in cloak & dagger comes across as both confident and integral to the immersion of the reader in the 'world' of the zone.

Characters were real, no overblown stereotypes with an M-60 in each hand ( speaking of which, the tactical data on weapons and vehicles given over was very interesting, but not so in depth that it threatened to lose the reader ).

Lukov was a well developed and sympathetic character, some may find the 'Deus Ex Machina' ( basically means a device or character introduced to explain or resolve an integral part of the story ) of the artifact which enabled him to speak to his mother again somewhat far-fetched, but at least it offered a sense of resolution and closure which is so often lacking in similarly bleak, militaristic tales.

Dialogue, as mentioned, was always intriguing and fast-paced, particularly the last scene involving a pistol standoff - revelations were fired off like revolver bullets as the whole thing sprinted to a head, there was a definite pace and tension there which kept me hooked to it.

Okay, now the not so good;

As Grisly mentioned, grammar needs polishing and can be a little distracting at times, for anyone willing to go with the story this is quite far from a huge issue but may put off more 'casual' readers, which would be a shame.

There are some cliches in there, nothing a quick edit couldn't fix, "It was a dark and stormy night" is perhaps the worst offender, made (in)famous by use in quite a few trashy novels, and one or two descriptions which didn't make sense "the wind silently bellowed" ( I understand what you were going for, but something can't bellow if its silent ).

Also the Deus Ex Machina I mentioned earlier might stick in some people's throats, although personally I didn't have a big problem with it.

All in all, this was a great piece. Without meaning to sound patronizing, it is very heartening to see how far your writing has come since first starting out, I was flailing around for at least a few years before my quality improved one iota!

Nice work.
  19:14:57  11 November 2004
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Double Edged Sword
(Novice)
 
On forum: 10/05/2004
Messages: 8
Ah right! Finally an appreciative reader! L)

To be honest, I have no idea of how many Duty Stalkers that I should chuck in, because.... there isn't any hint of how many there is. I want to give a feeling that they are being outnumbered, the only thing that prevented them from being swarmed is 1) The suitcase which The Duty wants badly and 2) the 'fireshield'. Also, I want the feeling that The Duty want the suitcase bad, as you might have understand how 'badly' The Leader wants it. The number is 25:1 at best guess in the story to be precise.

There are actually 8 Spetznaz in my story, but the general group is represented by the enigmatic Sergeant. Maybe the following might idenitfies it for you:
1) Lukov
2)Sergeant
3) The Joker (the one who is always making the funny comments)
4) The Radioman
5) The Sniper
and 3 more generic characters.

If there is one thing amoki has taught me well, it is not to involve too much chatacters and details in a fanfic, and the best example is probably his first works AND "Prey of One". That's why you wouldn't see any name.

Initially I made a serious mistake 3 4 2 = 9 , when it is suppose to be 3 3 2 .But later on number is more 'constant'. I leaved a lot of trial about the numbers of Spetznaz involved though:
1) 6 soldiers cleaning weapon, a sniper and radioman upstairs.
2) 8 parachute blossomed into the Zone when they dropped into The Zone
  04:35:51  11 November 2004
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
Messages: 168
Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this. Combination of busy-ness/procrastination.

I really liked the story. I particularly enjoyed the parts delving into Lukov's past. I kept on looking forward to reading the next section on him. I like how you switched back and forth from past to present, it really helped to bring it all to it's climactic conclusion. Also, your dialogue is top-notch. Flows very well.

There's some generic sentence/grammar problems that could be smoothed over with some revision, but with an international contest like this, such things matter little.

One last thing that I noticed: In the first part you say that the spetznaz are outnumbered 20-1, and before that you are talking about them moving the body of the controller, etc. and it seems that there are about 7 spetznaz. That would mean that there are 140 Duty stalkers. I remember the game website saying that there are only about 120 stalker TOTAL in the Zone. If this is just an incident of creative licence, then I don't care. Just wanted to bring that to your attention.

All-in-all a very enjoyable story. On par with all of the popular stories in the contest.
  04:46:28  14 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Easy Amoki .. Eaaasy. You're the good guy remember?
---END QUOTATION---



No worries - he is one of my pals Just kidding

Although one of these days he might got hit in a dark valley with a baseball bat that is
  20:14:37  13 October 2004
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IceShade
Tactical Ignorance
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 04/05/2004
Messages: 1037
Easy Amoki .. Eaaasy. You're the good guy remember?
  18:48:24  13 October 2004
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
As for the real life things, I've mentioned most eye-offending stuff before. But even if you change it, your story still would not FEEL right to someone who had grown up in USSR. I see no way to fix it.

But, important thing. "Lukov" is a last name! So "Lukov Merinov" sonds like "Smith Johnson". Even worse, really - Russian first names are much more conservative than American.
If you like it so much, make him Ivan (Andrey, Sergey, Aleksandr, Leonid, whatever) Lukov. There is nothing wrong in adressing person by last name, especially in army (Leutenant Lukov, comrade Lukov). Plus, you can toy with "real lastname vs evil stepfather's lastname" thing.


Spot on. I didn't want to change it because, as Amoki had mentioned, the story is targeted for Western audience, not for Russian or CIS (well, for starters, I am very surprised to have you here! ). The name part doesn't really make a real difference to most Western Audience if they don't know. Say, like amoki's real name: It doesn't matter to a Russian whether he is called Amos Chua, or Chua Amos, or Chua Jong Yih, or Jong Yih Chua, or Amos Jong Yih Chua. It is just a name for him- you would have a somewhat confusing time to determine which is his family name anyway. (Well, his real name is Amos Chua Jong Yih though ) A Russian doesn't really know how a Chinese's name goes like until he is told, so it doesn't matter when he knows it or not, it is just a name.

Besides, Sergey, Yuri, Alexei... Those names are used to a point of exploitation in the contest, no point chucking another in the pool of goo- so using Lukov Merinov might be to my advantage as the name itself makes the character memorable.

It is too late to change anything though - I submitted it.
---END QUOTATION---





You... play... with my name... wil kick your ass that it will hurt so much next time I get your hands on you....
 
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