ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
Look at me, I'm dead!

Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Newest Up Sort by Descending
  09:50:20  13 March 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
back with a vengeance


On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Look at me, I'm dead!

--REPORT n#120001979 - Major Dmitri Kowalski, M.I.A. Report was sent automatically by his personal CAMCODERto the Special KORPS security basecamp outside ''THE ZONE'' when his vital sensors stopped working.--

Attached to the point between head and shoulder of every officer, a camera has the ability to make a videorecord of 20 minutes maximum, and give the choice to send back the images to the HQ. If no action is taken, the camera erase the last 20 minutes of images, and start filming for another 20 minutes, continuosly.If a officer dies, the camera through sensors can reckognize it, and at the end of the last 20 minutes of filming, automatically send it to HQ camp.

CAMERA FILE 0023 - MISSION ''S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 005'' LOG CREATION 25 may 2010, 15.24 pm - 21 minutes video record - OPERATIVE KOWALSKI. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A soldiers broke up with this video file in the Officer's Tent, without saying anything more then: <<A video record arrived from Kowalski, his vital sensors stopped!!>>

<<But what the...DAMNIT!Was he caught from another corporation?>> replied the officer-chief <<Oh well, gimme that immediately!>> Puts the record on the computer system, and pushes play..............a disturbed image shows up on screen.As reported previously by the major himself, is disturbed as, in the interiors of the zone, the electric objects seems to be malfunctioning because of some kind of unexplainable magnet field.The image is a confused and dark close up of a gasmask-covered, difficult to identify, soldier. The voice of COLONEL D.KOWALSKI can be clearly eard.Seems that this mask-man is in front of him, has a black cotton mask and a gas mask on half face(a standard equipment common to most soldiers and stalkers), an unidentified very dirty of dust and blood military gear, and a a knife in his hand, as it's possible to see just the point of the knife that shows up in the close up image, pointing towards Kowalski's direction, that is identified as the first person view the camera is giving. <<HE GOT CAUGHT. DAMNIT.>> screamed the Officer. The soldier was staring at the image <<Caught...........Why the soldier is not killing him? What's happ...Wait he's talkin'...>> Kowalski's voice started <<Rain..RAIN, ALWAYS RAIN in this damn place, never stops, and under this heavy rain two faces in a cold room of cement, looking eyes to eyes, with same expression.Seems unreal.LOOK AT ME, AFTER THAT MEMORY CAME TO MIND, I'M ALREADY DEAD, BRAIN AND HEART ARE ALREADY DEAD.Don't POINT THE KNIFE TO A DEAD MAN, IF YOU WANT TO AVOID BAD LUCK! Ah what the brain in such difficult moments can do....some other thoughts comes to my mind...>> **slow fade to black, but it regains a clear image, as unfortunately it sometimes buzz disturbed** Kowalski voice was deeper and deeper <<It happened that day, yes, that day.don't i remember well? 30 MAY 1996.Heh, YES i'm sure, it was the day Khristov came back with that bag full of rotten paper he had in his room for days, that sort of book was inside that bag, the exact day i did my last university exam at the Anthropology Faculty, ''general sociology'', a 3030 success, yes...I'm sure of that.It was in April. just in time for the summer Thesis session....And most important that day's afternoon i did something that changed my life forever. Oh well, that's for sure, i really can't forget anything that day with all those recurrences, well I can remember almost everything..>>

''The face'' of the soldier, a face with the anger painted on the visible half, a silent one, a one with no memory, the only image of that soldier, was there listening and staring at Kowalski. Kowalski continued <<What happened?, YES that's the point, aaaaw wait a pair of minutes! I am trying to make a clear thought out of THIS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND I NEED THAT!'' Yes, that's the point, i am doing right, no doubt: I can't think of anything other, since i'm recalling those moments.. ...and most important, i'm recalling that thing i did later: That same day, i joined the Special Korps. What did you see, in fact, in this precise moment? i am a man with a weapon and a military equipment, marked with a damn corporation LOGO on it.Yes.You understood well, you can understand it. Special Korps doesn't mean anything more that an abbreviation of a longer name: ''Special forces from a korporation'', a standard mid-amateur army in the major companies since 2005.Another standard, is that the different korporations has just different logos, not even names.Noone talks about what the Korporations do, nonone knows who lead them, a corporation does not need a name if noone speaks ABOUT IT, a logo is enough for being recognized, and a special army is enough for defending it and looking for something good to earn. Special Korps, the first time you listen to it, you immagine a sort of SWAT elite army to defend the rights of some nation?No that's all finished.I Joined SPECIAL KORP-oration S-oldiers, or SPECIAL TECNICALLY ADVANCED LICENSED to KILL ELITE RANGERS.>>

**The silent face keep moving his mouth in a strange way, but no sounds were coming out of him. But I't easy to understood his eyes' expression:** Kowalski voices continues to spread through the tent's speakers: <<Are you asking yourself why do i did this? Who knows it, it was the run for the food, my family starved.My father was a farmer, and every money he earned was for my studies, so i could find a good job and be a real help as a son.But Krystov, poor boy, he never made it up.Dear Brother, how i missed you, for years and years i dreamed of you.No good dreams, no bad nightmares, just your face and no feelings in my body at all.You was weak, that's why you died so young and of course, as how can a tall guy like you resist to a 55 kilograms weight in those difficult days? BUT IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT! IT WAS YOUR FAULT!stealing from the houses and people in the streets, escaped from home hundreds of times, hated parents just because they decided i should be the one studying..?And you died a week after that day too, just when the things were getting better..What happened to you? It was not my decision then, but i ended up like this, and it was also for the good of everyone, so maybe i need a little more respect.That's why i don't feel any pain for the unknown soldiers i found and killed on this base? WHAT WHERE THEY DOING IN THIS NO MAN'S LAND? I'M HERE WORKING, YOU TOO, IT'S JUST OUR DAMN WORK...AND YEAH, NO MAN'S LAND....WHO SAW A DAMNED MAN HERE? I JUST SAW PEOPLE WITH FACES COVERED BY THE OFFICIALTY OF THEIR CORPORATION GEARS! OR MUTANTS! NO MEN! *pant,hanf* Calm down. It was so many years ago, there's no point in regretting it, our life is a long travel in space and time, why do i have to regret it again now as it was the day after i signed up?It would be like going back in time, no point in doing this.After a pair of week regretting my decision, anyway i ended up having a great career inside the Korps.I decided to sign to an Anthropology faculty 4 years that decision (as a rule of the Special Korps, to be accepted a soldier hasto be graduated at university, unlike in any standard army), to be sure not to forgot the meaning of being a man, and the meaning of being face to face with a another man, but it worked the wrong way, as it just helped me to always find a official excuse everytime i killed someone for this dirty work. Sometimes i think of some words the argentinian poet J.L.Borges wrote in a short story about the possibility of being part of a possible present of a possible life, when other lives of mine where I did different choiches are currently running alongeside this one in other space-time dimensions..Am i really in another life happy and in a safe place, my brother is alive and wealthy, the kithcen is full of goodies, and there is enough food to live in good conditions with all my family?>> *The face seemed to crack up a move with the eyes, maybe similar to a forced smile?*. Kowalski continued without hesitating: <<Yes.Really.As i said i made an excellent career, two major decorations,gifts, three times top point score in Frag-League (Frag league is what is usually called the confirmed enemy kills in actions in the Korps archives, the origin of the word is still under's rumored it comes from comics or ironic isn't it?! As our work is funny!) and for countless times i was awarded as the most skilled employee of the whole Korps rooster.This became a great promotion, (now i am like a sort of a colonel in a standard army grade), and i got my own private selected operation team: Yuri, my right arm, engineer and explosive expert; Sancho, my Left arm, expert in stealth tecnics and in cooking great and delicious dishes, and Edmund, our medic, and philosofer of the team.Yuri is dead.Sancho is dead.Edmund was eaten by a ''thing'' that also cryed while eating him.I am alone now.i meanged to enter a few kilometers inside the ZONE where we were sent. The zone, the ZONE, THE ZONE...Here. And there is damn nothing, here.The BETA team that entered with us on the east side was succesful in going in, last time i had a radio report the were all alive, and colonel Kawasaki lead them so well they even didn't notice anything suspicious!don't know about the west teams.HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE? HOW'S THAT FUCKIN POSSIBLE? I KEEP SEEING SUSPICOUS THINGS!ISN'T THE FACT I KEEP FIND MY WEAPON UNLOADED FOR NO REASON WHEN I REPEATLY REALOAD MY AMMO ON IT?WHY I KEEP SEEING DOORS THAT DISAPPEARs? ARE THIS ALLUCINATIONS FOR THE RADIATIONS OR WHAT? I keep earing voices of KHRYSTOV! For years i eard them but i clearly understood them as ''mind creations''...but now i can listen to the ECO of them in this corridors!IS THIS A JOKE?AM I ENDED UP IN A EXPERIMENT OF LONELINES LIKE IN THAT ''TWILIGHT ZONE'' EPISODE?? When this place exploded years ago, people talked as it was our largest human fault. Noone talked about it as it was a punishment of some god, noone dared to invent such a idiocy in front of the sense of guilty that everyone of us had: we exacltly know that this was a consequence of a a human action, for sure. I always recall of what Edmund told us in our elicopter flights..about a Fauerbach theory, the german philosofer.As Fauerbach said, isnt' god the projection outside us of all human imperfections, a transformation of them in perfections, ending up in calling them ''god'', falling on the knees in front of them?Well, if we compare this theory to what happened? The human as a scientist created this nuclear resources. He regretted the theory of god, as the positism always did, god is nonsense, we are our gods, and we will build a perfect resource, cause we are gods, we make perfect creations.We thought we got the energy, the power of what people used to refere to something called god.Nuclear missiles, atomic bomb, the human being is sure to have the istant power of life and death to millions living beings, with this technology.We are the god, who needs an invented god with such real energy power.It gone wrong, exploded.Wrath of god? Ira of Satan? No, everyone knows that this is a monument to the human error.And this is way scarier than any thought of a god's new universal punishment.It's real. That's why we are here as Korporations soldiers...a murderer always comes back to the place of the murder.Hundreds of people loose his life in this fault: someone lost his biological life after being burned alive by the explosion, some lost their lives trying to contain the disaster a few hours after the accident (i still can ear their screams here, when outside the rain stops for a few minutes),someone ''lost'' his life after their body was transformed into somethin' half human. I am here now, the sin on my hands, again here i participate on a new carnage against other living beings, and this it's what really never stop to be present in my whole life.... ....a sight of another person dying in front of ME.>>

Again, after all this words spoken and almost not a move in the record, the two soldiers at the camp continued to give attention to the face in the close-up of the camera; The eyes of ''The face'' after this last words looked up more interested, or at least it seemed so from the close up of Kowalski's camera, that seems malfunctioning even more, making the images disturbed and darker; Anyway, in his eyes there was a trace of the fact that he understood why in that situation, the current whole situation, Kowalski was so calm in front of that knife, waving in the air in front of his nose, as a menace to his life. But was ''The face'' thinking of not killing Kowalski now, maybe? Kowalski's voice was calm now, deeper, almost tired.Slowly, more words came out: <<I'm alone now.I'm persecuted too: when i am not alone, i can always think that maybe the voices i eard, or the faces i spot in the dark distant corners are real, yes...But i am alone and i am sure of this, THEN WHY I SEE PEOPLE IN THE DARK CORNERS, BUT THEY NEVER SHOWS UP? WHO'S VOICES ARE THESE??I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!>> ***For a moment the first person camera view has a so rapid movement that the image is lost and black for a minute... he turned around looking maybe, but way too fast...some words can be eard:*** Kowalski's scream echoed <<RIGHT BROTHER? IT' S YOU THERE, I AM SURE OF IT, I CAN RECOGNIZE YOUR SIFILITIC SILOUETTE EVERYWHERE! SHOW UP!AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR DOING HERE, C'MON!>> **Some other sounds on a dark image..** <<ZZZZzzzCcccccCCCCRAAAaaccccKKKKKKK...''..lonel Kowal...i, can you hear....?..ver!zzzzzzZZZZ>> <<HAHAHAHA! NOW I MUST BELIEVE ITS REAL ALSO THAT THIS LITTLE SHITTY RADIO IS EMITTING A CONTACT? YEA AND MAYBE I AM SURE THAT THEY ARE ALL RIGHT,YEA, NO PROBLEMS AT ALL, YEA THEY FOUND A TREASURE IN THE DEEP OF THIS PIT AND PLAN TO CAME BACK WHILE I FOUND OUT A SHARP BLADE PENDULUM THAT SLOWLY IS KILLING MY MIND??????????? JUST SHUT UP!>> Sounds of a crash, and radio static sounds...and he was screaming louder, oh so loud <<WHAT DOES DO WE HAVE TO FIND HERE? I WOULD LIKE JUST TO KNOW WHAT I AM LOOSING MY LIFE FOR!WHAT DOES HAS TO BE FOUND HERE! DAMNIT!>>

An image came back, but still disturbed.The face is far more excited now, the knife moves and just the sharp point of it comes up in front of the close up view, higher and higher. The sweat starts to fall down and crash on the floor, like pieces coming down from a rotten wall.A pair of minute of silence passes.The rain starts again, it can be clear eard from the noises it do hitting the air tubes, that goes outside the buildings for meters and meters in the air.Damn, the air conducts are huge.oh, whatever. The two soldiers in the camp outside were so silent staring at this images in a sort of catathonic state.Seeing the last 20 minutes of life of a person you know so well, and with his own eyes, it's not a thing anyone have and would like to have the possibility to witness in a whole life.The Officer pushes pause on the recorder, before whispering:

<<Does this thing come to an end, lieutant?>> <<I don't know, I immediately came here after I recieved that!.>> The officer pushes the play button, and here we goes again...after an istant,Kowalski's voice continued: <<...And now this is the situation.I am here, a knife is under my throath, i think it's fair, I am good soldier but not a movie hero, i can't win over and over, and just a nonsense face will look me dying.Can i have a last desire? Yes I think I earned it.It's vital: now I can see things clearly.My last desire is to tell loud what's the meaning of my end this speech.>> Again judging by the disturbed close up of the eyes, ''the face'' looked satisfied after those last words. The officer pushes the stop button:

<<I would like to know who this ''face'' guy is..did you analized it?Can you analize the image to look for a particular logo on the gear?We have to understand what other korporation I down with them..>>....The soldier answered quite childlish, but with effective rationality, <<I suggest to finish seeing it, it's almost at the end.Then i'll try it immediately>>. <<DO. IT. NOW.>> screamed the officer.

<<Look at the time bar, it's almost finished..yes, i mean..i can't..err i don't...>> <<Damn, i bet it's that US company.They are stray dogs on our rubbish.I recieved intelligence reports of their presence, and from what we saw and ear from this log i'ts confirmed then..this black masked face should be someone of them.I was ordered not to told anyone of it, including the teams, as it was a classified top secret information, and it's not related to the mission's primary objects>>. <<You did what????????...>>

<<SHUT UP SOLDIER! HOW YOU DARE, YOU>> - the officer suddenly pushes play. Again back to Kowalski's voice:

<<Part of my last desire is to tell you a last, very brief story.I just need to talk about it>> - catches a deep breath - <<When i was a kid, one time i was eating my dinner with my teacher, and he said me: --Do you know Marcel Proust, the french writer? i'll tell you about: well yesterday i recieved all his books, but i will never read them 'cause i am afraid of them.I'll give them to you, read them and maybe you will understand what i mean--. In this books, Proust developed a personal concept of the time, he loved to recall his past memories letting them be triggered by something in the immediate present,a smell of the sweet madeleines (*little soft cakes, n.d.t) , or a noise, or a sound, etc.That's what my teacher meant...probably he was afraid of some memories of him. Now, i don't really understand what's happening in these hours, but actually i entered in a room here in the building, everything was so polite, there was a long seat and some other stuff, seemedan office of some sort. An object was on the seat, alone, a book? no not really a book, a sort of printed material from a 80's office printer, you know, that big characters, that light blue paper....THE FACT IS THAT I can reckognize that seat. It was the seat i was sitting on, waiting for the selection for the Special Korps, before entering in the roomsigning up for a contract as an employee.I was reading that book, it was in that scrap bag of my brother, he showed me that, and i grabbed it 'cause i was in a hurry and i was sure i had to wait a lot in that waiting room. I finished it all, liked it very much as a science fiction story, but, as a joke from my mind, the emotions covered the story of that book with the tension of being accepted in this new important korporation, and i forgot that book there. Proust had this cakes recalling his past to him? Well in that room i had that damn seat with that wall in front of it AS A TRIGGER FOR MY PAST MEMORIES!!! There was a image with the words ''WE WONT YOU AS PART OF THIS KORPORATION'' and on the image a guy pointing a finger, similar to the ''uncle sam's recruiting US army'' famous image.I hated it, that face pointing the finger,seems that he really wanted me, cause he got me and my soul too. It worked.Extremely well. I recall to my mind that story...and now i understand all.At the beginning of this recording i started,i was confused, had to regain consciousness of the full series of events, and now I finally see the worst of all my faults: i studied for years tons of books trying to understand their contents, and i didn't understood the only book i had to........that was not a SILLY SCIENCE FICTION BOOK TO READ WHILE WAISTIN' TIME WAITING!!! IT WAS A REAL REPORT!!! It was the only big thing my poor brother Khrystov did in his life, he stole something important from an important Korporation employee, and after a few weeks he realized what he got in his hands.He was killed, first of all.I was leaved alive cause my parents succeded in convincing me to join that same Korporation.That report was a copy of a IAEA's Nuclear Safety Review.The Chernobyl nuclear power plant accident of 2006 was estimated to happen since years, but the Korporations didn't told anyone causethey smelled a money earn after it, sending organized troops after some amateur stalkers, that would search the ZONE for various anomalous formations, or i.e. artifacts.So the IAEA report was silenced. BROTHER, YOU TRYED TO OPEN MY MIND IN TIME, BUT I FAILED IN UNDERSTANDING IT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT ALL TO THE CURSED WORLD WE MADE!>> The camera raises to a full front view, as Kowalski starts walking backwards, when The final dead act is about to be consumed.The same time we can see ''the face'' put away the cotton mask and the gas mask in a rapid movement, but also seems that the same thing is done by Kowalski, EXACTLY the same way, as the masks throwed on the floor are just part of one gear, and it's Kowalski's arm that passes in front of the camera! The FACE is the same face of Kowalski, cause it's Kowalski in front of a mirror! What a joke the camera's point of view made to the two horrified soldiers looking...obviously, a wave of blood hit the mirror as the knife penetrtated the whole throat, and almost cut the head in fierce, for a good half of it, during his terrible suicide act. The last istant was a little nothing. No desperations, no screams, no laugh, no depression, no cries, no disgusted expression,nothing. He menaged to kill himself too without a feeling, like when he killed any other. HE just did it in fron of himself, as he probably needed to feel like demonstrating himself his will of exorcizing the sense of guilt, that with the tension and the phantoms of that place, doomed like his existence, guided him to the crazyness. Do you think that a over-trained hi-selected officer couldn't crack up? It's because a human is always a human, or maybe it's because anomalies just don't act on the body and physics only? The answer lies in the same roome where he was killed, together with a bunch of useless equipment, a mirror, and a dead corpse.

The officer and the soldier in that cold tent stared terrified at the screen, and a minute of silence passed.<<...............What we saw during the whole time it was a mirror image?>> interrupted the officer <<Poor bastard....Our best team's squad-leader, he committed suicide?? .....>> But the only thing coming out of the soldier's mouth instead of a response, was just the white air of his breathing <<.........................................................................................>>

Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


Copyright © 1995-2021 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.