ProjectsWhat's NewDownloadsCommunitySupportCompany
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
Derelict

Posted by/on
Question/AnswerMake Oldest Up Sort by Ascending
  21:05:21  13 February 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
 

Message edited by:
NocturnalMe
02/13/2006 21:06:56
Messages: 22
Chapter 2:

Greg leaned closer to Maden under the hood of the UAZ, attempting to act as interested and calculating at the mechanical errors as his partner. Maden drew back “Could I have a little space, please?,” he requested with an irritated voice. “Just hurry up,” Greg said and stepped away hurriedly, and stood with his arms crossed. The smell of oil and rust invaded their nostrils as they stood still, inflating them with a sense of civilization that both of them treasured. Maden almost seemed to sigh in relief and his feathery eyebrows drew together in concentration.

“I wonder–“ he began and let his voice trail off. “Yes, this shouldn’t be a problem at all. Let’s get going,” Maden almost mumbled to himself. He had studied the engine so quickly that Greg was shocked.

“You’ve figured out what the problem is?,” Greg asked.

Yes, you, Jerry’s eyes seemed to be saying, but he nodded, slightly exasperated. “Hopefully, we will find what we need in that building over there. And I’ll also need to take a look at your equipment.

“But why would you” Greg began, then anticipating Maden’s condescending reply, he pointed over to the smallest tent which lay slumped, like a gnarled mushroom. Greg followed him a short ways, then Jerry turned around quickly.

“I’d like a little privacy, if that’s alright with you, helps me think better,” Maden said, his eyes mocking.

“Don’t be too long,” Greg ordered and waved the gun at him. Maden turned away silently, then crouched into the tent, leaving Greg alone, again. He sighed and crouched near the tent flap, pulling his knees to his chin, and resting his forehead in his cupped hands. He missed his motherly Russian comrade, Yuri. He had listened. Understanding and amiable. Then there was Ferra Ghori, their devilish leader. Greg hated him, he was a manipulator, using his partners as tools, putting them in danger without any thought for their safety.

“Maybe that’s why Ghori decided to--,” but thoughts ran amok were interrupted by the muffled voice of Maden.

“It won’t take long, things are going smoothly. I couldn’t have asked for a better–,”

Greg lost all control, at the thought of betrayal so soon. He bolted up and pushed the flap open, darting towards Maden and grasping the small transmitter in his hand, throwing it to the ground and smashing it with the butt of his gun.

“What are you doing, crazy son of a b*tch!,” Jerry exploded, but Greg reigned him in with the .357 magnum pointed to his forehead.

“I thought you traveled alone, why were you talking to someone then, more lies! Even vaguely trusting you was a mistake. Sit down, I’m taking care of this now!”

He bound Maden to the chair with some thick rope, and stood before him, gun to his chest.

“You can’t fix that UAZ by yourself Greg, you won’t kill me,”

“I don’t need that, or you. Someone has to come back for —,”

“I need to think, just don’t try anything stupid,”

As Greg made to leave Jerry spoke to him in a low voice. “Nobody’s coming back for you, Greg, I saw them die, and the ones that walked away don’t give a shit!”

Greg turned around in fury, smacking Maden on his wrinkled forehead with the gun.

“You’ll die with me then, if that’s what it takes,” Greg’s voice wavered, and he pushed the tent flap aside and headed in the direction of the orphanage.
  19:13:26  6 February 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22
I am eager for anyone's comments on the revised chapter, especially the conversation at the end.
  19:04:41  29 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
 

Message edited by:
NocturnalMe
01/29/2006 19:06:50
Messages: 22
Chapter one (Revised)

I have taken these criticisms to heart, and have revised the first chapter.

Chapter 1:

The Stalker continued to glare blankly at the wall a few feet in front of him. The white paint had aged into a putrid yellow, large chunks of it had fallen off–leaving him to stare at the deformed, black wood underneath.

“Too much like me,” Greg whispered. “And too much like them.” He stood up, his bones creaking from the sudden movement. When did he grow so old? It seemed just a few days ago that he - “Stop it!. They left me and I don’t care!.” Greg’s outburst was greeted with silence, and he gazed around the large room that was lined with old , dusty mattresses that looked more like grotesque bodies in the semi-shadowed room.

This building, which seemed to be a natural breeding hole for derelicts, was the base for the group of Stalkers he followed. Now they had abandoned him, or were dead. The end result was the same, he was alone. But he had a reason to keep on going, a goal to shoot for. Revenge, and there was only one man responsible for that deep level of hatred.

Greg glanced around the room he was sitting in. The roof was arced, while rain dripped inconsistently from the ceiling. The number of holes in it were almost innumerable, but they were never so penetrating to let in sunlight. They reminded him of tiny black abysses, so deep and full of nothing that they reflected the eternity of this place. He shivered.

“Breathe....despair,” someone seemed to whisper in his ear. Greg whirled around, seeing no one, but the floor boards started to moan terribly and he fled the room in a childish panic. Once outside the room he took a deep breath. I need to get out of here for awhile,” he thought and walked slowly down the stairs, his bones still aching from some unknown ailment.

The moldy air inside the building was stifling, with all the windows boarded up to prevent prying eyes from gazing in. He reached the front door quickly, and yanked it open, striding briskly out the door and down the rotted front steps. Outside the sky was a dismal grey, unearthly moans could be heard in the distance, but Greg had gotten used to them.

It was strange, even the mutations of the Zone avoided this place, as if the anomalies of the building behind him sent out a silent warning. Greg moved forward at a brisk pace, seeing the cluttered and closely arranged shapes of his camp growing larger as he approached. His modest tent, and other equipment his former comrades left behind were arranged around a rather large, murky pond. Greg didn’t feel comfortable sleeping inside the building, there was something.....tainted about it.

Suddenly, he heard a shuffling sound coming from his tent. He stepped towards it with caution. The noise became louder, but he continued to move quietly towards the tent flap. In a matter of seconds he threw the flap aside and lunged at the intruder, who he tackled without a struggle. Greg pinned the man to the ground, staring at his face, which was sunken and had begun to show the slightest trace of wrinkles.

An uneven jaw clenched, while steel grey eyes narrowed.

“Who are you?,” the man asked with an unnatural calm.

“You seem too relaxed for a man who is seconds away from death,” Greg replied in a clipped tone.

“I-I was just looking for food, that’s all. Some supplies to keep me going. The Zone is an unforgiving place, am I right?,” the man spoke a little anxiety creeping into his voice. The man lay limp for a moment, his wide gaze and loose body made him seem like a mocking mannequin.

“You’re about to find that out first hand,” Greg replied sternly.

“You have me at a disadvantage kid, but it won’t last. I’ve been in this situation more times than I can count,” the man warned in a gruff voice.

Now it was Greg’s jaw that clenched shut, his eyes narrowing.

“Really, well there’s nothing stopping me from putting a nice, round hole in your forehead, now is there? Your experience can’t save you.”

“Maybe not, but I don’t think a kid like you wants to be in the Zone, isolated from everybody. Especially from someone who knows what they’re doing. Inexperience is a prime killer here, you should have seen that first hand,” the mannequin said, a cruel smile appearing on his lips, now coming to full, sadistic life.

“How did you–?,” Greg began feebly, a sign of weakness apparent in his query.

“That was betrayal. Maybe even sadism,” Greg whispered.

“Could’ve been, all I saw was your partner walk away from two dead bodies. And you just stood there. Were you enjoying your revenge?,” Maden asked contemptuously.

“Revenge!, what the f*ck did you see that night? I had to witness a murderous rampage and I had nothing to do with it”, Greg’s face turned red with anger.

“You didn’t stop him either,” the man persisted. Greg wiped his moist eyes with the other hand.

You weren’t there! I-just mind your own business!,” Greg responded loudly.

“What’s your name kid,” the old man asked after a long silence.

“You’re in no position to ask questions,” Greg replied.

“It’s harmless enough, don’t you think?,” he retorted in a soft, almost soothing voice.

“Greg, if you must know”

“Jerry Maden,” the man responded in kind. “Look, I’m not here to hurt you, uh, can I get up now?,” Maden asked politely, but it lacked sincerity.

“Move slowly,” Greg ordered.

Jerry stood cautiously, although his eyes were flitting around the tent constantly.

“What are you doing here, in the Zone, and in my camp?,” Greg asked.

“I collect artifacts,” he enunciated perfectly, “and I came into your camp because my UAZ was....put out of commission. I thought this camp was abandoned, as so many are here. This meeting was unexpected, but it might prove helpful to us both,” Jerry said.

“How so?,” Greg queried, his face had taken a closed, guarded appearance.

“Because we have no one else, we might not trust each other, but there is no other way!,” Jerry replied heatedly.

“There is another way, but if we want to live, we need to help each other out, for awhile anyway.”

“I noticed that your UAZ is a little damaged as well, but it can be repaired easily, I can take a look at it. If you help me get back to my camp, there are quite a number of pricey artifacts I can part with” Jerry offered.

Greg’s eyebrows frowned as he quickly tried to make a decision.

“Okay, let’s get moving, just don’t give me a reason to shoot you,” he said at last.

“The reasoning is all up to you kid”

“That’s not exactly good for either of us, then,” Greg responded drearily, his lips curling in regret.
  10:47:16  29 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
UltimaGecko
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 01/28/2004
Messages: 154
Probably the most in-depth review ever...

If you want editing with a bit of criticism, I can see what I can do...

---QUOTATION---
Derelict

Here is the start of my story, critiques and comments are welcome

Chapter 1:

The Stalker continued to glare blankly at the wall a few feet in front of him. The white paint had aged into a putrid yellow, large chunks of the paint had fallen off–leaving him to stare at the deformed, black wood underneath.
---END QUOTATION---


Unlike, I believe it was Ian, I would recommend, "...large chunks of which had fallen off - leaving..."

(Sounds best to me, but maybe I talk strangely)


---QUOTATION---

“Too much like me,” Greg whispered. “And too much like them.” He stood up, his bones creaking from the sudden movement. When did he grow so old?. It seemed just a few days ago that he “Stop it!. They left me and I don’t care!.” Greg’s outburst was greeted with silence, and he gazed around the large room that was lined with old , dusty mattresses that looked more like grotesque bodies in the semi-shadowed room.
---END QUOTATION---



1st: You don't need the period after the question mark. In fact, it seems like after every question mark and exclaimation point there's a period...so just remedy that.
2nd: I would recommend: It seemed like just a few days ago that he - "Stop it!"
3rd: While "greeted with silence" works, "greeted by silence" just generally sounds better (as by is associated with greet more than with is)
4th: "...around a large room lined with..."

...and as a nit-pick I would avoid semi-shadowed and go with somewhat of an antonymic meaning with "dimly lit" or something similar.


---QUOTATION---

The roof was arced, while rain dripped inconsistently from the ceiling. The number of holes in the ceiling were almost innumerable, but they were never so penetrating to let in sunlight. They reminded him of tiny black abysses, so deep and full of nothing that they reflected the eternity of this place. He shivered.

---END QUOTATION---


1st: while does not fit in the first sentence (I would suggest a simple 'and')
2nd: penetrating doesn't really fit here. Admitting sounds poor and aquiescent doesn't quite fit. I would recommend changing the phrase to fit a different adjective such as:

"...they were not so prominent as to let in sunlight."
"...they seemed unwilling to let in sunlight."
'...they could not pierce the blackness of the room."
"...they were infinitely dull and allowed no light in(to the room)."
...etc

The final two sentences here I like very much...


---QUOTATION---

“Breathe....despair,” someone seemed to whisper in his ear. Greg whirled around, seeing no one, but the floor boards started to moan terribly and he fled the room in a childish panic. Once outside the room he took a deep breath. I need to get out of here for awhile,” he thought and walked slowly down the stairs, his bones still aching from some unknown ailment.

---END QUOTATION---



I would remove the but and start a new sentence, as well as replacing childish (as running from a room where you hear a voice is not inherently 'childish' to me), perhaps "spur of panic" appeals to you.

The '...for awhile," he thought' part has no starting quotation mark.


---QUOTATION---

The moldy air inside the building was stifling, with all the windows boarded up to prevent prying eyes from gazing in. He reached the front door quickly, and yanked it open, striding briskly out the door and down the rotted front steps. Outside the sky was a dismal grey, unearthly moans could be heard in the distance, but Greg had gotten used to them.

---END QUOTATION---



Aside from word choice issues where 'corrections' could stymy your own writing style, I'd suggest at the very least a semicolon between grey and unearthly, if not a period.

(I say corrections, as they're just words I would use instead, but aren't really wrong, I'm just sort of picky like that)


---QUOTATION---

It was strange, even the mutations of the Zone strayed away from this place, as if the anomalies of the building behind him sent out a silent warning. Greg continued to move forward, seeing the cluttered and closely arranged shapes of his camp growing larger as he approached. His modest tent, and other equipment his former comrades left behind were arranged around a rather large, murky pond. Greg didn’t feel comfortable sleeping inside the building, there was something.....tainted about it.

---END QUOTATION---


1st: instead of "strayed away from" I would recommend "avoided" (as straying implies that they were here previously and have abandoned it. So unless you're going with an air of foreshadowing, I'd replace it with something less mobile.
2nd: The sentence that starts with "Greg continued..." feels clumsy to me, and I would consider revising it to something more apparent and lively.
3rd: the "large, murky pond" makes it seem like this camp is huge (especially since this pond is large...), I'm assuming you mean next to or near to.
4th: few too many periods at the end, but a good end to the paragraph.


---QUOTATION---

Suddenly, he heard a shuffling sound coming from his tent. He stepped towards it with caution. The noise became louder, but he continued to move quietly towards the tent flap. In a matter of seconds he threw the flap aside and lunged at the intruder, who he tackled without a struggle. Greg pinned the man to the ground, staring at his face, which was sunken and had begun to show the slightest trace of wrinkles.

---END QUOTATION---


I'd recommend you replace "stepped," as it seems like one step; suggestions: shuffled, walked, moved, inched his way, ambled, etc


---QUOTATION---

An uneven jaw clenched, while steel grey eyes narrowed. “Who are you?,” the man asked with an unnatural calm. “You seem too relaxed for a man who is seconds away from death,” Greg replied in a terse tone.

---END QUOTATION---


I'm not sure how Greg is replying in a terse tone. It is also common for conversations between characters to start a new paragraph each time a different one speaks - it makes your story more coherent.
i.e.
"Who are you?" The man asked with an unnatural calm.
"You seem to relaxed for a man seconds away from death," Greg replied.


---QUOTATION---

“I-I was just looking for food, that’s all. Some supplies to keep me going. The Zone is an unforgiving place, am I right?,” the man spoke a little anxiety creeping into his voice. Greg released the man from his grip and sat down next to him, suddenly disarmed. “Yes, it is. Did your men abandon you too?,” he asked.

---END QUOTATION---


"with a little anxiety creeping into his voice"
Unless this guy is so fast you forgot to mention it, I don't think "disarmed" is the right word here.


---QUOTATION---

“No, kid, I travel alone. And I’d be more careful who I trust in the Zone. I’ve been here for a few years, know the way of life. It’s tough, unforgiving. Sometimes you have to be that way yourself,” the man said. “What’s your name kid,” he asked. “Greg Thomas, and you?,” Greg replied. “Jerry Maden, and to set the record straight I’m not here to hurt you. In fact, why don’t we join forces for a little while, get each other back on our feet,” Jerry suggested.

---END QUOTATION---


Aside from parts mentioned above (but I'm no editor), it looks alright to me.


---QUOTATION---

Greg sighed and stood up, offering a hand to the man “I guess we both have no choice. But I’m watching you,” Greg warned. “Fair enough, the feeling is mutual. Now let’s get down to business. We need supplies, and fast. Getting the hell out of here should be our first priority. I noticed that UAZ is a little out of commission, I can repair it, with a little improvising,” Jerry offered.

---END QUOTATION---


I'd recommend throwing a bit of description in here (if only to ressurrect the plethora present at the beginning), first to come to mind: Where is this UAZ?


---QUOTATION---

“And how exactly do you plan to do that,” Greg said with a mocking smile. “Let’s just say I have a little experience in that area,” Jerry replied mysteriously.
---END QUOTATION---





Okay, first things first: Plot
So far I've got none. Summarized story so far: "Man gets freaked out in building, goes outside, finds man in his tent; they decide to leave together." (okay, maybe a bit critical)

Even for a first chapter it's a bit hollow. So far the only motivation comes at the end of piece, and it's mere escape...from nothing the reader knows about. Without him having a reason to be in the building there's nothing to make us care if he's leaving.

It has potential, but you've got to be a vampire - go for the neck


Next on my list: Coherence
Unlike some things I've read this opening chapter has a deficiency of catastrophic word problems. Although some words present slightly broad imagery, specific word choice is good enough for the reader to discern the meaning from sentence structure.

Personally (although I do this, too), I'd go a bit lighter on the adjectives. Use them when you want to paint a vivid picture, but don't splash every color from your palette on the canvas. Coincidently, the end of your chapter is basically a whitewash board, which brings up one of the problems I've noticed.

One more part: Believability
The conversation of your characters is wooden and forced. Imagine yourself as your characters and what you would say. At times this can be hard, but it makes your story more readable.

Avoiding the inexplicable part before this:

---QUOTATION---

“What’s your name kid?”
"Greg Thomas, and you?"
“Jerry Maden, and to set the record straight I’m not here to hurt you. In fact, why don’t we join forces for a little while, get each other back on our feet.”
“I guess we both have no choice. But I’m watching you.”
“Fair enough, the feeling is mutual. Now let’s get down to business. We need supplies, and fast. Getting the hell out of here should be our first priority. I noticed that UAZ is a little out of commission, I can repair it, with a little improvising."
"And how exactly do you plan to do that.”
“Let’s just say I have a little experience in that area.”

---END QUOTATION---



This reads like B movie script (also notice this is nearly the bulk of the second half of your story).
First of all, Grege seems to have a very apparent set of choices, since he [1] obviously tackled the man easily, [2] seems to be in no hurry to do anything, [3] has no reason to join with someone so recklessly if he has a fear of abandonment.
Second, if Greg has a camp set up, why would he need supplies and why would he be in any extreme hurry to leave?
Third, "how do you plan to do that?" seems to already be answered with improvising...but maybe Greg's not as perceptive with his mind as his eyes.

There's also the names, as previously stated. However, They're not exceedingly important.


Now that may all seem a bit harsh but that's just the corrective critcism. Word choice is pretty good and the story does have a deep well of potential, depending on how you use it. The lack of motivation can (and probably will be) quickly remedied and the dialogue isn't that bad as to ruin the story. Give us the reason Greg is in the derelict building and make us care about why and you'd have a great start (based on my exceedingly lengthy story I'd say this is fairly short for an opening chapter/section so feel free to throw in a bit more description at the end and exposition at the front). I also really like the "They reminded him of tiny black abysses, so deep and full of nothing that they reflected the eternity of this place" line.

Also remember that critiques of parts of your story will never be as effectual as the entire piece, and judgements can thus be harsher.
  07:41:53  29 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
01/29/2006 7:56:34
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Aren't Stalkers an illegal presence in the Zone, really?. They can come from any nationality. I will try to refine the plot a little more though. I do have a lot of it worked out though, the main theme is trust and how it is a good, and at times, a bad thing.
---END QUOTATION---



Not quite. While would any sane person from Western Europe/America with family, friends and a normal life want to work in The Zone when pay is little (in Rubles).

Gave it a quick glance, but to be honest I shouldn't comment until I've seen more.

Ian_C - finally got to read 1984. Fantastic book. Now I know how to be a REAL moderator
  07:07:13  29 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22
Aren't Stalkers an illegal presence in the Zone, really?. They can come from any nationality. I will try to refine the plot a little more though. I do have a lot of it worked out though, the main theme is trust and how it is a good, and at times, a bad thing.
  23:14:37  28 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
Welcome to the forum, nice to have you here.

The story that you wrote was very well described, you got the soviet-era architecture spot on. Very nice description, really puts you in the place you are describing. Feels like a puzzle, you really want all the pieces to get connected to achieve that wonderful feeling that you get when the puzzle is solved. Keep writing.

Some minor complaints.

1)Some amateur readers (well, like me), actually don't take notice to the adverbs, in fact, it makes it feel not as generic as it might become if you try to do that unexperienced. But if you know what you are doing, amateur readers and fan-fic buffs alike will flock to your story like seagulls to a spilled crate of fried calamari. The story did feel a little rushed, not necessarily just the conversation.

2) I do agree that you should have added the facial expressions.

3)Something inconsistent is the fact that you protray such a vivid image in the beginning, but the middle of the story after the protagonist leaves the building feels not as vivid.

4) Some minor repetition errors, but that can be fixed easily. Just either mouth a sentence that troubles you or say it out loud, you will notice that it feels a little awkward, and you will figure out a way to fix it. Works for me.

5) This one is just a little nit-pick by me, since I am a realism buff. The characters' names, Greg I thought would be "Gregoriy" but it turns out to just be "Greg." Jerry is also an awkward name. Greg and Jerry just feels out of place, since those names sound American/British and the Zone is in Ukraine. You could give some background (which I suppose you will later) whuch country they are from, and since they are most likely not Ukrainian, Russian, or European for that matter, they might be immigrants, refugees, or illegals since they could not have arrived on a military mission for an international power, since Ukraine would not take kindly to that and ask its bigger brother to kick their asses back to wherever they came from. (come to think of it, that could be the story! Some international power sent a recon team into the Zone, but now they are being hunted by assassins and only one is left, who is Greg).
  21:19:22  28 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
 

Message edited by:
NocturnalMe
01/28/2006 21:23:30
Messages: 22
I agree with all your points honestly, I appreciate the criticism. But it seems I just need the services of an editor. Also, I agree about the facial expressions during certain conversations are extremely important. And unneeded adverbs in sentences like "Jerry replied mysteriously". My writing is usually fast and furious, so I expected quite a few errors. Will try to slow it down for Chapter 2, and correct the repetition as well.
  18:54:27  28 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
Ian_C
The man lacking a plan
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 08/02/2003
Messages: 273
It's good, a promising start, though I do have some thoughts.

You might want to watch the occasional repetition, examples like; "The white paint had aged into a putrid yellow, large chunks of the paint had fallen off–leaving him to stare at the deformed, black wood underneath"

It's nothing too big but a repetition of the same word so close makes it sound a little clunky, something like "The white paint had aged into a putrid yellow, large chunks of it had fallen off long ago, leaving him to stare at the deformed, black wood underneath" might be preferrable.

Also later when Greg is heading towards his camp, you might want to call it 'the camp' to begin with as it then goes on to descibe his tent so it becomes obvious the camp is only his own, just another repetiton niggle.

The conversation later is so rapid it feels like machine-gun fire, I personally prefer a big of inflection between responses to show expression and emotion before some speech, such as when Greg asks the other guy is his men abandoned him too there would be some change in expression - a grimace, a frown, to show how he feels about the question before he responds, but of course this is just the way I do things.

Lastly, try to only use adverbs only when you're uncertain that the reader knows what you mean ( a rule I've broken myself, believe me! ), such as your last line of "“Let’s just say I have a little experience in that area,” Jerry replied mysteriously. - we know he's being mysterious, or ambiguous, simply by the response, so IMO you don't need to enlarge on it further.

Overall though, I look forward to reading more.
  05:03:02  28 January 2006
profilee-mailreply Message URLTo the Top
NocturnalMe
(Novice)
 
On forum: 01/28/2006
Messages: 22
Derelict

Here is the start of my story, critiques and comments are welcome

Chapter 1:

The Stalker continued to glare blankly at the wall a few feet in front of him. The white paint had aged into a putrid yellow, large chunks of the paint had fallen off–leaving him to stare at the deformed, black wood underneath.

“Too much like me,” Greg whispered. “And too much like them.” He stood up, his bones creaking from the sudden movement. When did he grow so old?. It seemed just a few days ago that he “Stop it!. They left me and I don’t care!.” Greg’s outburst was greeted with silence, and he gazed around the large room that was lined with old , dusty mattresses that looked more like grotesque bodies in the semi-shadowed room.

The roof was arced, while rain dripped inconsistently from the ceiling. The number of holes in the ceiling were almost innumerable, but they were never so penetrating to let in sunlight. They reminded him of tiny black abysses, so deep and full of nothing that they reflected the eternity of this place. He shivered.

“Breathe....despair,” someone seemed to whisper in his ear. Greg whirled around, seeing no one, but the floor boards started to moan terribly and he fled the room in a childish panic. Once outside the room he took a deep breath. I need to get out of here for awhile,” he thought and walked slowly down the stairs, his bones still aching from some unknown ailment.

The moldy air inside the building was stifling, with all the windows boarded up to prevent prying eyes from gazing in. He reached the front door quickly, and yanked it open, striding briskly out the door and down the rotted front steps. Outside the sky was a dismal grey, unearthly moans could be heard in the distance, but Greg had gotten used to them.

It was strange, even the mutations of the Zone strayed away from this place, as if the anomalies of the building behind him sent out a silent warning. Greg continued to move forward, seeing the cluttered and closely arranged shapes of his camp growing larger as he approached. His modest tent, and other equipment his former comrades left behind were arranged around a rather large, murky pond. Greg didn’t feel comfortable sleeping inside the building, there was something.....tainted about it.

Suddenly, he heard a shuffling sound coming from his tent. He stepped towards it with caution. The noise became louder, but he continued to move quietly towards the tent flap. In a matter of seconds he threw the flap aside and lunged at the intruder, who he tackled without a struggle. Greg pinned the man to the ground, staring at his face, which was sunken and had begun to show the slightest trace of wrinkles.

An uneven jaw clenched, while steel grey eyes narrowed. “Who are you?,” the man asked with an unnatural calm. “You seem too relaxed for a man who is seconds away from death,” Greg replied in a terse tone.

“I-I was just looking for food, that’s all. Some supplies to keep me going. The Zone is an unforgiving place, am I right?,” the man spoke a little anxiety creeping into his voice. Greg released the man from his grip and sat down next to him, suddenly disarmed. “Yes, it is. Did your men abandon you too?,” he asked.

“No, kid, I travel alone. And I’d be more careful who I trust in the Zone. I’ve been here for a few years, know the way of life. It’s tough, unforgiving. Sometimes you have to be that way yourself,” the man said. “What’s your name kid,” he asked. “Greg Thomas, and you?,” Greg replied. “Jerry Maden, and to set the record straight I’m not here to hurt you. In fact, why don’t we join forces for a little while, get each other back on our feet,” Jerry suggested.

Greg sighed and stood up, offering a hand to the man “I guess we both have no choice. But I’m watching you,” Greg warned. “Fair enough, the feeling is mutual. Now let’s get down to business. We need supplies, and fast. Getting the hell out of here should be our first priority. I noticed that UAZ is a little out of commission, I can repair it, with a little improvising,” Jerry offered.

“And how exactly do you plan to do that,” Greg said with a mocking smile. “Let’s just say I have a little experience in that area,” Jerry replied mysteriously.
 
Each word should be at least 3 characters long.
Search:    
Search conditions:    - spaces as AND    - spaces as OR   
 
Forum Index » S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl Forum » Stalker stories
 

All short dates are in Month-Day-Year format.


 

Copyright © 1995-2021 GSC Game World. All rights reserved.
This site is best viewed in Internet Explorer 4.xx and up and Javascript enabled. Webmaster.
Opera Software products are not supported.
If any problem concerning the site functioning under Opera Software appears apply
to Opera Software technical support service.