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To Kill 5 men.

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  12:03:46  7 March 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
03/09/2005 5:38:09
Messages: 1729
To Kill 5 men.

Just starting on this one, probably gonna take quite a while since I'm officially a university student now. But what the heck, something to kill the silence.

To Kill 5 men

He watched. His eyes never moved from his target, his hands never touched the plastic cup of vodka on the bench of the bar. He observed from the side of the bar at his target like a bird of prey, stalking and ready to kill when the times came.

This time he was ready. Unlike last time. And if there was supposed to be any doubt within his mind that that was not the case, the heavy bulge of the H & K Mk 23 SD pistol pointed to the truth.

Behind him, his cup of vodka was untouched for hours. The attending bartender found it odd, but he had seen it too many times. Stalkers who had just witnessed atrocities of some sort, or even killed for the first time. They called it "Post-traumatic Syndrome", but The Bartender just called it "Taking out the heat". And so he lefted him alone.

"Hey, buddy, spare me a drink?" Someone said to him in Russian.

"Get lost." He said, without turning his head.

"Suit yourself," the disgruntled person mumbled incoherently and walked away.


He watched. He observed. He stalked.

They called themselves stalkers, those patrons. Including his target, who was still talking and laughing loudly in the middle of the bar. But it didn't matter now, he was one of them now. He was a stalker, stalking his target in the middle of a crowded bar.

One by one, they left. Finally, it came down to him, his target, and three other friends of his target. In that moment in time, only 5 people existed in his psyche.

His target was a fat, 6 foot tall stalker who looked as if he had never done any real work in his life. Indeed, that was the truth. Because that was why he hated him so much- the target had caused him so much hurt in the past.

He cringed, closed his eyes to stop the flood of memory. No, not now. He did not want to be remembered of them now.

He stared at them, his face void of any expression. Watched as they laughed about their exploits, watched as they gulped down glasses and glasses of vodka. Let them drink, for their time had come. The time of retribution.

He once had a name... Bogdan, wasn't it? "Gift from God" in Russian. Today, God had forsaken his target, if God ever existed at all. He has been waiting too much for too long. But now... every moment of waiting was worth it, for vengeance was at hand. It was the gift from God alright.

With his left hand, he grabbed the vodka and gulped it down. The burning sensation of alcohol as it ran down his throat. Some sort of flame was bursting within him. Suddenly, he felt different... like he was on fire. "Man on fire"... yes, that fitted him perfectly.

He took off his seat with force. With careful calculated stride he walked towards the table where his targets and his friends were at. His right hand went inside his jacket, and out came the the grey piece of deadly pistol.

One of them saw him coming, stared right into his deadly eyes, and knew what was coming. He tried to reach for the AK-74 below him, just around his leg. He even tried to shout out a warning. But alcohol slowed down his responce. It never worked out for him.

The first shot went directly into his head.

The rest saw their comrade's head severed by the power of a 0.45 JHP. They too panicked. Without thinking much, they too fumbled for their rifles somewhere on their floor, not knowing that it was already too late to stop the assassin.

'Pfft'. 'Pfft'. Two silenced headshots instantly killed the other two targets, under the stalker's trained hands. The only now remaining was his original target, the person who he had always wanted.

His target now tried to lift up his rifle, a LR-300. The killer sneered. Nice rifle, he thought.

He aimed for the head, but this time, as he fired, the shot didn't go into the head. It went straight into his throat and sprayed blood everywhere. With a tumbling motion, his target felled , back and chair both to the floor.

The assassin walked calmly towards his target, and stood in front of the target.

The target, now on the floor, looked at him, disbelieved in whatever had happened within in the past minute. His eyes told of confusion. He even tried to speak, but out came wheezing noise of air from the bloody hole in his neck.

The assassin leaned down and looked at the man face to face, into the eye.

"You remember me? No? I remember you. You took away everything that was dearest to me, 5 years ago. Oh yes, you've sinned too much to remember. Remember the Bogdan family from Bila-Tservka?"

The eyes suddenly spoke ot terror.

"Yes. Now you remember. Die"

One shot ended the man's misery.

As the stalker walked away, suddenly, he heard a tumbling noice of a chair coming from the bench. His gun swung towards the direction...

"Don't shoot!"

The stalker looked at the bartender, who too was terrified from what just happened.

"You never saw anything. Got it?" The Bartender nodded.

"One down. Four more to go," the stalker mumbled as he walked casually out of the bar, disappearing into the night.
  17:02:39  8 March 2005
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GrislySilence
Fanfic Reviewer
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 10/06/2003
 

Message edited by:
GrislySilence
03/08/2005 17:03:50
Messages: 168
No, don't kill the silence! What did I do to deserve this? *clutches chest, falls over*

...

lol

Anyway, it's an interesting start. I like it. The dialogue is good, and it keeps you intrigued as you read. Starts you to wondering what happened, and who those other 4 men are. You've definitely improved on your writing; I can see the little things in this that weren't in you other works.

Oh, and assassin is spelled with two, uh, 'ass' -es. lol

Anyway, good job.
  21:08:09  14 March 2005
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UltimaGecko
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 01/28/2004
 

Message edited by:
UltimaGecko
03/14/2005 21:09:18
Messages: 154
Seems fairly good for a beginning - depending a lot on what happens next. Generally books and movies like to start with their cool 'action packed introductions' but it could be all downhill depending on his motives (much like my ending kind of drags my story down ...along with the fact it would need to be like 100 pages to flesh out the characters properly as intended).

Anyway, grammarically it's fairly solid (numerous problems, but none of them actually bring down coherency)...for example:


---QUOTATION---
He cringed, closed his eyes to stop the flood of memory. No, not now. He did not want to be remembered of them now.
---END QUOTATION---



I would recommend memory be pluralized.
'did not want to be remembered of' should either be 'did not want to be reminded of' or 'did not want to remember'.


Anyway, could be a good start (don't worry about universities, I wrote mine while attending university (which I'm still attending).
  05:27:46  15 March 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Seems fairly good for a beginning - depending a lot on what happens next. Generally books and movies like to start with their cool 'action packed introductions' but it could be all downhill depending on his motives (much like my ending kind of drags my story down ...along with the fact it would need to be like 100 pages to flesh out the characters properly as intended).

Anyway, grammarically it's fairly solid (numerous problems, but none of them actually bring down coherency)...for example:

He cringed, closed his eyes to stop the flood of memory. No, not now. He did not want to be remembered of them now.

I would recommend memory be pluralized.
'did not want to be remembered of' should either be 'did not want to be reminded of' or 'did not want to remember'.


Anyway, could be a good start (don't worry about universities, I wrote mine while attending university (which I'm still attending).
---END QUOTATION---



Hey, Gecko, I have a great idea. Do you want to be the permanent fan-fiction reviewer in this forum? There is no "special" status for you, but I can promote you to be a permanent VIP just like Grisly Silence.

Think about it, and review "Fallen" in this contest. Once I see a complete review from you, you'll be promoted
  18:27:49  15 March 2005
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UltimaGecko
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 01/28/2004
Messages: 154
I'll see what I can do. Unfortunately I wont be able to read it until at least next weak (probably two weeks, because my computer probably wont be with me over spring break). I've got one awesome 5-6 page paer (Thursday); another exciting 7-9 page paper (with sources - over break) and another easy 2-3 page paper (laughably, also over break).


Anyway, it seems it was written/posted October 2004; it can wait another week or two . If I can bring my computer I'll probably get it by next week, though (very little to do over break without a computer, actually).

Pffft, I also have to work on my programming, mapping and writing. I need one of them whatcha-call-'ems ...time machines (all, except that time machine acquisition, which require my computer ).


...back to my paper.
  09:31:38  19 March 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
Yeah, now I'm even more discouraged. You're story really draws the interest of the reader, you just want to find out more about the remaining people and the assassin's background.

I also detect some foreshadowing [an unhappy end perhaps?], really mysterious, yet not boring. Also, really detailed, feels like the Matrix's "bullet time" at some points. Really great job, what else would someone expect from the Literary Contest Forum's Head Honcho? Keep on writing! Great story dude!
  10:01:26  20 March 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
03/20/2005 10:04:42
Messages: 1729

---QUOTATION---
Yeah, now I'm even more discouraged. You're story really draws the interest of the reader, you just want to find out more about the remaining people and the assassin's background.

I also detect some foreshadowing [an unhappy end perhaps?], really mysterious, yet not boring. Also, really detailed, feels like the Matrix's "bullet time" at some points. Really great job, what else would someone expect from the Literary Contest Forum's Head Honcho? Keep on writing! Great story dude!
---END QUOTATION---



Damn straight about the main character. I intend to keep the spotlight on the main character until nearly the end of the story. The main character will be sort-of like Shylock (from Merchant of Venice, Shakespeare) - someone you will sympathize in the end if you think about him thoroughly/

There may be a huge possibility that I may not finish this story, a large part of it due to the unhealthy amount of violence contained in this story. The last time I have wrote anything with violence was a scene where 2 AP rounds piercing the internal organs of some 'Hammer' squad leader
  18:57:46  21 March 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
"2 AP rounds piercing the internal organs of a Hammer Squad leader"
That's the most violence you ever wrote? Impressive! Very impressive! How is it possible to write a story with virtually no violence the still captures [and keeps] the interests of today's typical reader?! Nice job man!! Guinness material, man!! Keep it up!
  07:06:29  27 April 2005
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Hey siro, we have to put the the co-author thingie on hold. I have 2 holiday assignments that I have to rush through. I probably haven't give you enough details to work on, so just give the idea a good rest until next week.

In the mean time, get yourself MSN messenger, you will find it handy when we discuss the story,
  21:41:21  16 May 2005
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beowulfstalker
(Senior)
 
On forum: 05/25/2004
Messages: 78
am i the only who thought that it was really good. lol
  08:47:36  17 May 2005
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Siro
Local Law-Enforcement
(Moderator)

 

 
On forum: 03/02/2005
Messages: 7378
Amoki, just send me all the materials and plot storyline and I'll do the rest. I'll ask you something before I do it and you be the judge if it will work with your story.
  10:36:12  8 January 2006
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
I might continue this story.

Summer is getting bored here, you can't sunbath or something because of the high UV index here (which is due to the Ozone layer, our position being closer to the Sun... and our clean air surprisingly). No wonder pregnancy rate and birth control pills sales are increasing around New Zealand lately.
  13:12:47  20 February 2006
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
4 days ago

“Deep breath”, he told himself. “Hold it, hold it, hold it…”

“Beep!”

The Mk.23 was drawn. Target practice was on. Almost immediately 2 cardboard targets in red revealed themselves in the middle, and Bogdan did not hesitate to double-tap it: once in the torso, once on the head. Both shots were dead-on.

Third and fourth target popped down in front of him, from both left and right and started to move backwards. With deadly precision the shots got to the legs first, then the body. Incapacitate running suspects, before shooting them dead, he told himself.

Third round: 2 targets revealed themselves. Wait – different look, slow on the trigger. Green target with a red target obscured from behind. Hostage situation. Reds are hostiles, greens are friendly, the innocent. Shoot the red!

A shot later, the bullet nailed on the head of the red target spot on.

“Well done, well done indeed,” a husky voice came behind him, applauding his marksmanship. “Impressing shooting. So what can I do for you, Ivanov? You ask of me but said you rather want to have it done here. Why?”

“I wish to resign, Mr. Kuchma.”

There was an obvious unpleasant look on his employer’s face. His blue eyes showed sign of disbelief.

“Ivanov Bogdan – you are absolutely sure you want to resign… for what?”

“Personal issues. I need to take care of them,” The response was short and curt.

“Ivanov, I’m not going to be happy of this. You are a damn good security operator; everyone who can afford us wants a piece of you.” The boss took out a cigarette and lit it up, before take a deep drag. He always did it before making a momentous decision.

“Who gave you a better offer? I’ll double it. Money’s not a problem, just tell me how much cut you want from every contract we have.”

Ivanov merely shook his head. “Money is not the problem. I need to take care of something which I need to take care of long time ago. I want out.”

“Are you coming back?” The person known as Mr Kuchma enquired. Bogdan looked at the man with grey hair, at least where there still was hair, and answered in his typical no-nonsense manner.

“When it’s done, when I’m coming back, I will. Is my resignation effective immediately as of the contract we’ve come to agree before I signed on?”

‘Yeah. Good luck, Ivanov. I really do hope you come back, but I am going to be very, very angry if I found out you are working with someone else. ” Mr Kuchma wasn’t altogether impressed with this sudden departure.

As he walked out of the building of the security consultancy organisation he worked for, a few former colleagues who overheard the conversation said: “ The Kholodnie Glaza has left.”

“The Cold Eyes” was a nickname given to him by his former associates. He was known to be the only security consultant in Kiev known to be able to shoot someone without batting an eyelid – he did so before, even went as far as to incapacitate screaming bank robbers who were running away when their attempted robberies were met with dismal failure because of him. He was also known for his cold, introverted behaviour, never spoke to anyone unless necessary and never seem to have any sort of emotion on his face. No one even knew whether he had a family or not.

Perhaps that was why no one knew what he was going to do after that.
 
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