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Liquidation of my mind

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  00:38:48  24 April 2006
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Darklynx
(Novice)
 
On forum: 04/22/2006
Messages: 2
Well thank your for the advice and such, I had my friend help me a bit with the cutting up the paragraphs. I wish I knew how to edit posts here so I can just put what I changed and added up. That's about all I have to say really o.o So here's what I wished to have put with the rest.

---

While the sun fell I continued on, narrowly missing small military patrols and creatures of the night. I knew it apparent that I was close to the area between zones seeing as I had began to stumble across roads and abandoned vehicles. I had stopped and leaned up against an old car that was riddled with bullet holes to rest a bit. Things seemed fine for the first few minutes until I heard the sound of an engine somewhere down the road. Before I could react a spotlight from an APC was shining on me while the sound of running greeted my ears.

Before they had the chance to close the gap between us I ran off the road and into a grove of trees. While I tried to widen the space between me and the patrol of Military Stalkers they gave chase and opened fire on me. I dodged beams of light from there helmet to stay hidden but it proved hard when I also had to avoid incoming fire. A bullet had come to graze my arm before I returned fire, taking cover behind a fallen tree. The night was lit up with the exchange of rounds from both sides and filled with the sound of crossfire and the droning of my heartbeat. While shots rang out and passed over my head I took two grenades from my vest. I pulled the pins on both tossing one in the direction of my pursuers and one in the direction of my destination. The one in front of me light up the surrounding area and I was greeted by the sound of screaming. While this happened I ran into a screen of smoke that was being created by the other grenade.

Running for an hour or so with only the sounds of my heartbeat and feet hitting the leaf covered ground. The patrol seemed not to have followed me but I kept running regardless just for the fact they might catch up. When I couldn't run anymore I collapsed, breathing heavily while the world seemed to have died around me. The only sound was that of me breathing and the only movement was that of my chest rising and falling with each deep breath. After ten minutes I sat up and checked the small scratch I had obtained before. It wasn't major but I disinfected and covered it just for the fact I didn't know everything that inhabited the zone, microscopic or not. When I had finished and regained my composure I stood up and checked my map. It seemed as if another hour would suffice to reach the end of my trip. The next step was another onto my exit from oblivion, my return to a improvised home.

Half the hour had passed and I was still walking, thinking of what might happen next. My world seemed to have been invaded ever since I entered the zone for this trip. Before my thinking could be finished everything turned black while I sank through a sea of darkness. When I came to the sky above me was gray and a beach came into view. I was in a small boat filled with men in Military uniforms that seemed to be of the pre cold war era. Most of them seemed to stare off with hesitant looks while a few looked a bit anxious. One of the men was looking at me and shaking his head, he spoke to me in an area between talking and shouting.
“Do you understand me?” Someone standing next to me asked.
“Understand what?” I was puzzled as to who he was and what he was asking.
“Damn it Fox,” He was angered by what I said. “I said after we storm the beach we are to take out any resistance and clear out the batteries.”
“Got it, I have one more question though,” He looked at me with a confused look on his face.
“God damn it fox,” He raised his voice. “This is not the time to be fucking joking.”

As soon as the words left his mouth an explosion on the side of the small boat flipped it over and emptying all who were inside into the sea. The feeling of sinking came back to me as everything around me went black once more. When I opened my eyes the sun was rising, my mind began to race with thoughts of what happened. Knowing not what I saw was I could not determine whether it was a dream or a vision of what had once happened. Maybe it was caused by something here or from lack of rest. As my mind filled with even more thoughts I stared up at the sky. It seemed that whatever had happened took some hours as the sun was rising. The sky was just as it was in what I saw, just a gray depressing sky.
  09:32:07  22 April 2006
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Amoki
back with a vengeance
(V.I.P.)

 

 
On forum: 07/31/2003
Messages: 1729
Ach...

Hey there, welcome to the forum. I'm Amoki, literary contest administrator, writer virtuso, fitfully male... whatever, you get the idea .

I really recommend that you try cutting up your paragraphs into smaller chunks. Quite frankly, you need to cut it all up into relevant but small paragraphs. The paragraphs really look intimidating!

A nice suggestion is that you group action into one paragaph, thoughts into another, action into another, etc. Good judgement is required, but if you want I can do it for you

If you feel that you're pressed for time, I can give you another 10 more days to do it (meaning your deadline is 10 May) just for the sake of improving your story, or write another one with quality.
  00:13:46  22 April 2006
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Darklynx
(Novice)
 
On forum: 04/22/2006
 

Message edited by:
Amoki
04/22/2006 9:26:02
Messages: 2
Liquidation of my mind

This is just something I started recently(considering I also found out about this contest not that long ago) so it might not be up to a high standard. Mostly I'm just trying as hard I can to finish and such so a bit of the things are true life happenings. Without much more to say besides this being my first true step into this forum and that I wish for someone to like my story, so here it is.

Note: reformatted by Amoki

---

A blast
Nuclear explosions
scars the ground
and scatters radiation
all around this town
evacuation commence
abandon me in this dead sea

How many people have we lost this?
How many more have to perish for this?


I found old words, scrawled on a piece of paper. From the meltdown till now, everything in the zone has been hell for all of us. The room I sat in was almost barren besides the scrap of paper and the equipment I brought along. The house I came to inhabit while a rather large pack of mongrels, as I liked to call them, passed by. The zone, this house, the animals, all meshed together perfectly as if it were drawn by Raiyue, one of my comrades back at the hub. This violent land in which so many accidents took place and so many lives taken was provoked by those like me. Trudging through forests and streams to gather artifacts for the highest bidder, just like dogs providing their hard earned spoils to a lazy master. I knew all about such dealings seeing as I myself came to her as a mercenary ready to collect some easy money in a foreign land. How little did I know what would happen and what horrors I would see here. As I reminisced gunshots erupted in the street down below, just another day in the zone I guess. I lifted my P90 and leaned out the window, the scene below left me in disbelief. A lone stalker was taking on the pack by himself like an idiot. I pulled the charging handle and let hell rain down on the pack. The man I just saved looked up at me and continued on his way, giving me a silent thanks. It was the way things were around here, it was like what I said before, just another day in the zone. While he walked off I put in a fresh magazine and leaned the gun against the wall. While I loaded rounds into the magazine I just switched, I thought that me and him were the same and that some day soon we would meet again. When I finished with the magazine I sat and rested, tomorrow would be the day I set out, tomorrow would be the day I return.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of heavy rain much to my dismay. As I stared out of the window at the bleak ghostlike buildings of the once wonderful Pripyat I wondered about those I had left behind. Bunny, Raiyue, and the few others I had befriended over the years. I longed to see them, to leave the zone like I had planned the past day. All I could do was feel the pain boil inside of me, from the fact that a day longer I would have to wait to be graced by their presence again. I continued to look out the window not seeing much beyond the buildings, consumed by thoughts of leaving and the beauty in which was once and still is chaos. While being embraced by the landscape the sound of rain was pierced by the howls of dogs. I scanned the area and saw none to be found, it seemed like something was going right for once. I sighed when I remembered the heavy rain and the mud I will have to face when it was done. I leaned against the windows frame and thought of the possibilities and consequences of journeying out when the rain passes. During the time I thought, the howls grew more distant and the rain a little less audible. Still lost in what I should do, light began to penetrate the clouds and the rain lightened up, it seemed like for once something was going right. While I sat there the room suddenly turned dark, I felt panic swarm throughout my body. I looked around and saw nothing, and when my eyes laid sight upon my now blood covered hands I screamed. Next to me lay a frail body, blade marks and blood covering her wrists. I wept over the body and as abruptly as I was brought into this nightmarish realm of death and depression I was whisked from it, back into what could be called the real world. I stood up and shook my head, I felt as if something was wrong as I stared outside the window to what seemed like a miracle seeing as the ground outside was dry and clear of any creature or anomaly. I set out with hopes high that nothing terrible had befallen those I had left behind, hopes that I would not die.

After a few hours of walking I had encountered some trouble along the way. I was haunted by the vision I had encountered before leaving, I wondered if it were caused by a controller or something much worst. While I was thinking things over the sound of twigs snapping invaded my mind. I turned around to see one of the grotesque children of the zone. Gashes covered the ghastly beings body while a black gas mask with dried blood hid its face. It was the effect of the radiation on a person, an abomination of what it once was. I turned and ran as the creature we affectionately called a snork charged me, I grabbed for my gun as it gained speed with each passing second. When I finally got hold of my weapon I proved to late as a sharp pain ran up my leg. As I fell to the ground, time seemed to slow to a near standstill. I turned to face my adversary who had jumped back, readying for another strike. As he came at me I parried his blow with my weapon of composites and steel. As he jumped back again I squeezed the trigger, emptying a third of the rounds into his respirator covered face. The stench from the carcass made me gag, I tried to keep from vomiting but it was inevitable...

I walked from the site of the battle with my leg cleaned and covered. I had the blood from my attacker wiped as clean as possible from my pants but they still retained a slight smell. I began to wonder about what might befall me the rest of my journey. Anything could happen in the near future, this I could accept, what couldn't be accepted was that something out there is against me. What it may be or want I may never find out, but whatever it is has great control and many adversaries that aren't even affiliated with it. The slight smell from my pants brought me out of my mind and back to a full state of reality. I stopped and checked my map, It seemed I still had some hours of travel left ahead of me. I sighed and kicked a rock ahead of me, before the rock hit the ground it shot straight up. I stared at the rock as it fell back to earth then turned my attention ahead of me. It seemed just like my luck that to have stumbled upon a gravitational anomaly. While sighing I began tossing rocks to test the boundaries of the invisible force. The anomaly wasn't much in size, so I walked to the left of a rock that had successfully avoided the invisible force. As I stepped away from the anomaly, I turned back to give the unseen force somewhat of a farewell. Taken by surprise as a rat wolf ran through it and was literally torn apart. Bits of the rat were tossed about the area while I silently watched the anomaly do its bidding. Upon my shoulder lay a long sliver of flesh from the creature, I gagged as I tossed it aside and continued on. This trip just seemed to be full of great things waiting to greet me. Thoughts circled throughout my mind in an endless sea of darkness and doubts. While sighing I took the time to survey my surroundings. It still seemed as if I still had an hour or so remaining till darkness, while also I had about four hours till I got back. Preferring not to waste any time I hastened my gait, I did not wish to spend any extra time in the zone after dark.
 
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